I asked Allen if he ever felt an official “had it in for you?’’

“Yes,’’ he said quickly. “For sure. Sometimes we may be paranoid, you might think a guy doesn’t like you.’’

Like Zach Zarba. He can be such a snob!

Danny Ainge had the same reaction to the question.

And yet I’m going to print it anyway. Why write my column when others can write it for me?

“I felt Earl Strom had it in for me when I played,’’ said Ainge.

“He kept callin’ damn touchdowns every time the other team shot the ball.”

“One time I went up to him and asked him how much longer I was going to have to pay for something I’d done and he looked at me like he didn’t know what I was talking about.’’

Hey! You stole that from the Donaghy book!

We don’t need Donaghy going all Canseco on us to know that stuff happens.

We don’t need him “telling the truth” and giving “facts.”

In 2007, veteran official Joe Crawford was suspended by the NBA after ejecting Tim Duncan.

I bet Tim Duncan overreacted.

It was not the first time Crawford was slapped by his bosses.

But it was the first time it wasn’t on the ass.

Back in the 1980s, Celtics coach Bill Fitch was under the impression that Crawford had been punished for making too many calls against a team that failed to provide him with tickets for a game. Any time thereafter, when Fitch felt Crawford was foiling the Celtics at the Garden, Fitch would say, “What’s the matter, Joe? Didn’t you get your tickets tonight?’’

Fitch with the zinger!

None of it is OK.

All of it is not good.

Anything less than total impartiality is unacceptable, and all leagues need to be vigilant.

Even Ligas?

But game-fixing? Series-fixing?

Hinge-fixing?

I don’t think so.

Don’t even think about it!

Too many people would have to be in on it. It would get out.

Fifty-some-odd guys getting paid hundreds of thousands to millions a year? I think they could keep that under wraps.

Bettors and fans who love teams more than their own families inevitably see demons. But I’ve never understood how any fan could make an emotional (or financial) investment in games that are fixed.

Somebody’s never bet their second-born on a Warriors/Bulls preseason tilt! Nerd.

You can’t go to the Garden and write a story about officials without checking with Tommy Heinsohn.

He is Lord of the Referee Column. No referee column shall be published without his approval!

(Unless it’s about that cunt, Earl Strom.)

Part of the NBA since 1956, Tommy has said more about referees than anyone in Greater Boston. He’s battled the whistles from the court, the bench, and the broadcast booth.

Especially during his PCP phase.

“The whistles! They’re everywhere! They’re crawling under my skin!”

Did he ever think the games were fixed?

“No,’’ said Heinsohn. “Sometimes it’s subjective. You wonder what a guy thinks of you if he says you’re nothing but a showboat.

Tommy Heinsohn? A showboat??

But I never believed it wasn’t on the level.’’

Double negative. He’s concealing the truth with his clever wordplay! He knows!

“I’m not going to believe what a criminal says,’’ said Doc Rivers.

“So get away from me Dan, you date-rapist!”

“No doubt, there are times we are not happy.

Like always.

It’s a human game, just like those baseball games with the umpires last night.

With the umpires and the baseballs and the jello and the Theo!

There’s always going to be stuff like that.’’

“I read the excerpts [from Donaghy’s book],’’ said Ainge. “You have to consider the source. It’s easy to write and say things and blow it out of proportion. I just played in too many big games to believe all that. I believe they’re doing the best they can and that the players decide the outcome.’’

Players decide the outcome. If you don’t believe that, why bother watching the games?

Because I bet Earl Strom’s kidneys on this Knicks/Blazers nightcap, you Rat Ref!

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com.

He just happens to be very good at it. Last year, for example, he shot .444 from the 3-point line, or .001 lower than his overall average. The Celtics would gladly take that again.

“He’s a scary shooter,’’ Ainge says (no, he and Doc did not compare notes).

They both called him a scary shooter independently of one another!!!

And neither man has ever met!

“Eddie can shoot as well as anybody in the game. He’s right there with a Ray Allen, that kind of guy. But he’s not as big, so he doesn’t get his shot off as easily. But no one has a quicker trigger.’’

I hear Delonte’s a pretty quick shot..

Eddie’s technique is something young players should study.

But not with their briefs around their ankles like Danny Ainge studies.

“He’s very sound technically,’’ says Ainge, who knows a thing or two about shooting. “He has a very consistent rotation. The ball comes off his hand very consistently.

(additional Danny Ainge gay joke)

“He’s also what I call a ‘hop shooter,’ ’’ Ainge continues.

A kangaroo assassin, if you will.

“There aren’t very many ‘hop shooters.’ By that I mean he jumps off the floor with both feet. Most guys are what I call a ‘step-step’ shooter. But he hops into it. The last really good hop shooter I remember was Ricky Pierce.’’

You mean THIS Ricky Pierce??

All this was evident in his other stops, for sure. But there appears to be a particular resonance on this team. I guess that’s what they mean by a “fit.’’

No other GM’s penis would suffice.

Perhaps it’s because, as much as he is framed as a shooter, Eddie House isn’t one-dimensional.

That would explain his existence in reality. I thought he was just a cartoon. Like you, Bob Ryan!

The Celtics do appreciate other things about him.

Got a real sweet ass.

It really goes back to draft day. The entire basketball world knew Eddie House could score. The man had 61 in an NCAA game, after all. But because he’s 6-1, and not really a point guard, people didn’t know what to do with him.

A smaller player who can really shoot and score at will. WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO WITH THIS MAN?

“It’s what we do in this business,’’ Ainge explains. “We focus on what people can’t do instead of what they can do.’’

It’s true.

Lebron:

Can’t avoid the spotlight.

Kobe:

Can’t take no for an answer.

Zach:

Can’t believe it’s not butter.

“He’ll never make the All-Defense Team,’’ says Rivers. “But he plays hard all the time. He competes. He fits for us. He clearly understands what he has to do to stay on the floor.’’

Glue his shoes to the court.

“I do think I bring more to a team than just being a shooter,’’ House says.

I’m also a hucker, a gunner and a shooter.

“I’m not the passer [Rajon] Rondo is, but I can pass the ball. I’m not the defender Rondo is, but I can get my hands on the ball and disrupt things. And being with a team now for a third year means I know what we’re trying to do out there.

Win basketball games? That took you three years? Cripes..

That’s half the battle.’’

Championship teams need stars, first and foremost, but they also need intelligent, skilled, and experienced role players.

Eddie House has already helped his team win one title. A second would not be out of the question.

Eddie House: An All-American Hero.

Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist and host of Globe 10.0 on Boston.com. He can be reached at ryan@globe.com.

“I think us being there really made a statement to him,’’ maintains Ray Allen. “A player can hear things from Danny and Doc, but he heard it from our mouths, face to face.’’

Starring Tom Skerritt.

Doc likes the college recruiting analogy.

Ubuntu U?

“I talk to John Calipari a lot,’’ Rivers says,

Alienating his entire fanbase in one fell swoop.

“and when I told him what was happening he said, ‘Just make sure you don’t leave the campus without his commitment.’ And he never did go to another campus.’’

Ainge, the orchestrator of this whole thing, is now downplaying it.

Rasheed? Meh, he sucks.

“I don’t think that was the difference,’’ he insists. “He was on an emotional high right afterward, but he didn’t make his decision for a few days. I think it came down to who these guys are on the court. He had witnessed it from afar, and he wanted to be part of it.’’

He wanted to be a part of our old, injured action.

The GM also claims there is nothing very unusual about players being part of personnel discussions, at least in Boston.

“Red [Auerbach] would talk with Larry [Bird], Kevin [McHale], and DJ [Dennis Johnson] about players,’’ Ainge says. “We would all say, ‘We don’t want to play with this guy,’ or “We’d like to play with that guy.’ ’’

And then he’d just go out and sign some white guy, anyway.

Red was always ahead of the curve. The main reason he plucked Don Nelson off waivers was that Tom Heinsohn, among others, told Red they did not like to play against him.

He was always trying to bite us and screaming “Nnnnnellie Ball!” And don’t get near that guy at a cockfight.

But that was Red, and this is Boston. It’s not like that everywhere, as he knows, Doc knows, and the players know.

And you know. And I know. And the moon knows. Goodnight, moon.

This organization sees the management-player relationship as a partnership.

LOL, gay..

“They understand our needs and we understand their needs,’’ Allen says.

Goodness!

In all candor, it’s easy for everyone to say this now, one championship later. It wasn’t all that long ago that Pierce was afraid he’d be playing out his career as the best player on a bad, or, at best, mediocre, team. Then Ainge was able to trade for Allen, and thus KG, who would never have remotely entertained a move to Boston otherwise, agreed to come here and - Voila! - a Big Three and championship No. 17.

You might even say that anything is possible.

Now Paul, KG, and Ray are senior members of the firm, and are included in policy planning.

Teehee! It’s like their businessmen!

“My belief is that players know a lot,’’ Ainge says.

Oh, Danny! What a card!

“They’re bright, very bright.

He’s on a roll!

They have great insights.

I’d be stupid not to listen to Kevin, Paul, and Ray. I may not always agree, but I’ve got to listen.’’

You know, Ubuntu and all that shit.

There weren’t any disputes on this one. The Big Three wanted Rasheed. The coach, the GM, and the managing partner wanted Rasheed. And Rasheed decided that joining the Celtics was likewise in his best interest.

“He was only going to a team he thought could win,’’ Rivers says. “So I hope he’s right. I hope he’s a good talent evaluator.’’

Because if he isn’t, HE’S FUCKIN’ FIRED!

But those other teams are all pretty good. There was really only one big thing separating them.

“San Antonio, Cleveland, Orlando, none of those other teams brought players,’’ points out Allen.

And that’s a fact.

And that’s..

Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist and host of Globe 10.0 on Boston.com. He can be reached at ryan@globe.com.

~~~

Welp. Another Bob Ryan drivelin’ devil down. I was shocked & mildly appalled that Bob Ryan wasn’t shocked & mildly appalled by the ‘Sheed trade. But I guess, after last season, as a Celtics fan you’ll talk yourself into a lotta things. I just hope next season we stay a little more healthy and nobody gets sick. Because that could be…

…fatal.

Danny Ainge feels all that business may have started right here with Larry Bird.

And then his heart exploded.

“Larry was a small forward, but he played a lot of power forward,” Ainge points out. “Larry wasn’t a guy who grew up shooting the three. He was just a great shooter, period. But guys now grow up shooting the three. It has become an integral part of the game. It’s a priority of many offenses.”

We call them “Shitty Offenses.”

We now have a totally different basketball world, one in which Cleveland has a 7-3 Lithuanian center (Zydrunas Ilgauskas) who’d rather launch an 18-footer than plant his large carcass down in the paint

Fuckin’ Lithuanians! They’re worse than the Turks!

and in which Dallas has a 7-foot German

(ahem) Nazi! (ahem)

(Dirk Nowitzki) whose 3-point shooting is a devastating weapon.

And notice, please, the nationalities.

Notice, please, that they’re all filthy Europeans.

“I couldn’t have envisioned that when I was a rookie, either,” says Rivers. “I guess I kind of knew some Europeans were legit,

Some were even too legit. And some would, in fact, not quit.

and you knew some would wind up playing in our league, but you couldn’t imagine it becoming as worldwide as it is.”

“When I was in college [BYU], we played the Russian national team, and they had some good players,” says Ainge.

If ya like dirty red Commies!

“I had respect for the good European players. But now it is completely global, with the best players from France, Germany, Canada, and China all playing here.

Doesn’t get anymore globaler than Canada.

That’s why this is the best league in the world.”

Better than that one full of extraordinary gentlemen? My!

Ainge and Rivers are reasonably contemporary, with the GM preceding his coach as an NBA player by two years. That was the in-between period, when no high school players were entering the draft. That small first crop (Moses Malone, Darryl Dawkins, Bill Willoughby, etc.) were making their mark,

And what a helluva mark ‘ol Bill WIlloughby made!

and the second wave, led by Kevin Garnett, had yet to materialize.

The world wasn’t yet ready for this level of intensity..

In the early ’90s, it was generally agreed that what those first three had done was an isolated phenomenon and the NBA would never have to deal with teeny-boppers again.

With their juice boxes and their cassette tape players and their complicated shoes!

Then came Garnett, a young man from South Carolina via Chicago who believed he was good enough to play in the league right now.

Wait, he thought then that he was good enough to play now? Why did he enter then, then? Why didn’t he wait ’til now?

“My first thought was, ‘No way!’ ” says Rivers,

And then I was like, “Oh no you din’n't!” And then I was like, “Awwwww sheeeeyitttt!”

who had entered the 1983 draft following his junior year at Marquette. “There’s no way you can play coming out of high school.”

Then he saw Garnett play.

“I actually did say, ‘OK, I was wrong. The kid can play.’ “

Lewis offered himself up for the 1998 draft after a successful career at Alief (Texas) High School. The Sonics took him in the second round, and he is now concluding his 11th season. He is a three-time 20-ppg scorer, and you’d certainly have to say his career choice was wise.

Yeah, he duped the Magic out of hundreds of millions of dollars and has never been out of the second round; when he could’ve gone to a school like Texas for four years, taken them to a couple Final Fours and come into the NBA as one of the premier forwards in the league and still gotten all that money and probably have taken a team to the Conference Finals by now and not been such a whiny immature bitch every time a ticky-tack foul is called. Wise career choice.

Howard was the ultimate, the first pick in the 2004 draft. The Magic had to choose between this sculpted kid from Southwest Atlanta Christian Academy

Whoa, easy there Bob.

“And you should see his ass. Cut. Out. Of marble.”

and the best college player on the best college team, Connecticut center Emeka Okafor.

God bless you.

The latter has had an OK career for the Charlotte Bobcats,

The Charlotte What-Nows?

and he keeps getting better, but he’s not close to an All-Star.

Actually, he’s sorta very close. If Ree-Shard Lewis can be an All-Star, Emeka can.

Howard is, by acclamation, the best center in the league,

Bold statements, brought to you by the Boston Globe: In business for the next three months.

a shot-blocking and rebounding machine who can also get you 30 points if not monitored properly in the low post.

Thanks for the plug, Bob. Much appreciated.

He has had five great seasons in the league, and he won’t turn 24 until Dec. 8.

And he smiles a lot. Don’t forget the smiles!

Turkoglu began playing professionally in Turkey at age 17.

Ugh, Turkey? Might as well play in a trash dump.

At least he didn’t play in that whore factory known as Lithuania! Or Nazi Germany, for that matter!

He was a 2000 No. 1 pick (16th overall) by the Sacramento Kings. He has been a mainstay of the Turkish national team, and his entire profile is that of a modern player, from the extensive international background to his proficiency with the three.

Howard-Lewis-Turkoglu: It’s the quintessential futuristic NBA front line, except that the future is now.

The Future Is Now.

I give you…FUTURE ORLANDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist and can be reached at ryan@globe.com.

~~~

Random Bob Ryan Face ‘Splodin’ pic:

If the Magic frontline is the future I’m getting in Bob Ryan’s time machine back to 1983 lickity-quick.

Besides, Future Orlando’s always under constant surveillance for the ongoing threat known as Space Bear.

SPACE BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boston’s star of the day was Rajon Rondo (29 points, 9 rebounds, 7 assists), but he was countered by Rookie of the Year-in-waiting Derrick Rose, who scored 36 points with 11 assists. Part of the University of Memphis’s meltdown at the free throw line in last year’s NCAA championship game (which caused many sleepless nights for John Calipari),

And The Door..

Rose went 12 for 12 from the stripe against the Green.

Yeah, but how did he do against the Celtics?

Playing in his first NBA tournament game,

Who are you Dan, my wife?

“Oh, are you watching the NBA tournament? Why did they blow that whistle? Did he score a touchdown-goal?”

Rose was absolutely fearless.

Ditto for Noah, who snatched 17 rebounds. The Bulls were not intimidated.

Not even by Big Baby? He’s so doughy, he could give them a yeast infection. Heyo!

They were not afraid. And they shocked the Garden masses, who expect only victory when the Celtics play at home in the playoffs.

Masses: “Your performance was substandard to our expectations! We are angry masses! Raar!”

It’s always convenient to blame the officials when your team loses

Which I will..

- and Bennett Salvatore certainly had his moments -

…right there.

but Rivers wasn’t having any of that, either.

I ain’t havin’ none a dat, Shaqueesha! Hold my weave, I’m-a slap this bitch!

“Our guys were complaining, and it’s the first thing I squashed,” said the coach. “It ain’t the refs. The refs had nothing,

Nothing?

nothing to do with this game. It was us. And we’ve got to compete. We’ve got to play.”

We have to play offense & defense and sometimes both. We have to play basketball better than the other team plays basketball or we will lose basketball games!

Pierce said the fellows got an earful from their coach.

Better than a mouthful.

“He just didn’t feel like the sense of urgency was there,” said the captain.

I’d rather hear Tennille’s take on this loss.

“We understood that, so we have to expect a better game [in] Game 2 and the rest of the series now that we got hit in the mouth first game.”

The whole day was a horrid reminder of just how much Garnett changed everything. Nobody was fired up about a Boston team led by Pierce and Allen

Again, we were you stupid man. Anything’s better than Ricky Fucking Davis.

- and that’s when they had a fantastic young talent in Al Jefferson. Garnett is the man who made the Celtics champs. And now he is gone and this playoff quest feels doomed.

People wonder why newspapers are dying. Maybe it’s the air of negativity and pessimism surrounding everything they publish. Sports sections (the most important/popular part of any newspaper) across the nation are full of reporters who always try to find the negative in a story. They feel they aren’t producing unless they’re cutting down and exposing the evils of society (This coming from a guy ripping apart a reporter with a post full of negatives). I’m not saying we should live in Happy Disneyland; but maybe more people would read & enjoy the Globe if they employed some writers who inspired things in their readers, besides pitchforks & torches. Maybe they could sign some young talent that could write something looking ahead to the rest of the series and inciting the fans to get on their feet and believe in this team again. Maybe the Globe needs some damn positivity. A writer that looks ahead rather than behind. If you’re obsessed with bringing up the past, bring up the games we won last year in the spring, when it looked like we were on our way out. Go to celticsblog.com. Read Steve Weinman and the gang over there. Go to CelticsHub, Red’s Army; read those fellas. Maybe if these guys were getting paid to write for the Big Guy, the newspaper could at least tread water for a few more years. All Shaughnessy & Ryan do is cut down and spit on everything we New Englanders hold dear and believe in. We don’t have a lot. It’s cold & dreary half the time. The girls stay bundled up longer. All the industries that whole towns were built on are crashing down around us. Hell, most people think Maine’s in Canada. All we have are the Sox, Pats, Celts & Bruins. When they’re losing, we don’t need Shaughnessy & Ryan dwelling on every mistake and bad memory. I’d say, “Maybe if we ignore them, they’ll go away.” But that’s unrealistic. And then what would I do with this piece? The only solution to the newspaper problem is new blood. Instead of fighting the blogosphere and deriding it at every turn; embrace it and steal from it. The internet’s been stealing the best paper-men from you guys for years; it’s time to steal back. Or just go away and die. Your choice, Newspapers..

Once mighty and feared, the 2009 playoff Celtics are the Little Train That Could.

Sure, they can come back and beat the Bulls. First-round extinction remains unlikely.

Hey, some optimism! Hurrah! Hooray! Huzzah!

But the thrill is gone. No happy ending this time.

Nope, there it goes. Optimism out the window..

Cedric Maxwell, the ex-Celtic and team radio analyst, thinks he might have the answer.

A systematic carpet-bombing of the city of Chicago.

“I’ve got this stalker guy,” said Max.

In my mind!

“He’s about 47 years old and he followed me home the other night.

Doesn’t a stalker have to follow you home on more than one occasion to technically be considered a stalker?

He says he’s been hearing voices and that the voices are telling him he needs to play for the Celtics.

That narrows it down to every 47-year-old in the Greater Boston Area.

He keeps asking me for Wyc’s number and Danny’s number [managing partner Wyc Grousbeck and president Danny Ainge].

Danny’s sorta preoccupied at the moment, Stalker Guy.

He asked me if I’d pay for his mother’s apartment.

Blah! Blogger jokes!!!

“Then he showed up at my place and asked if I would shoot hoops with him.

Aww..

I keep telling him, ‘You can’t follow me home. I cannot help you.’

Help me, Cedric Maxwell. You’re my only hope!

But he says the voices are telling him to play for the Celtics. Imagine that story: ‘Max finds guy on street to replace KG.’ “

Wait a minute. Forty-seven years old. Nothing better to do than follow Cedric Maxwell around. Convinced he can still play..

GET AWAY FROM ME, CRAIG EHLO!!

Rivers doesn’t want to hear about it. Garnett is not walking through that door. And as Game 1 demonstrated, the Celtics aren’t going anywhere. That’s what the voices in our own heads are telling us.

The voices in Dan’s head are saying, “Wow, it’s so roomy in here! I could move in my duvet!”

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com.

~~~

Last week, Bob Ryan tells us to “stop whining.” This week, Dan Shaughnessy tells us there’s no hope. Next week, Dan-Bob Ryanessy explains how it would’ve been better if we had just let the British win..

Have some fuckin’ faith, Boston.