(Previously on The Matt Carroll Saga..)
Cuban: Well, well, well! If it isn’t The Bobbsey Twins!
Carroll: (chortles) What?
Cuban: Where do you two think you’re going? Gonna skip practice?
Howard: Fucks yeah!
In a sport where players get extreme close-ups on every trip to the foul line (although Hedo Turkoglu might single-handedly put a stop to that), the NBA still manages to maintain some highly questionable grooming habits. Whether it’s a fashion statement, a gentleman’s bet, or just pure laziness, we’ve seen some truly awful facial hair over the years. But before we get to the league’s worst offenders, let’s take a quick look at some of the smoothest, best-groomed, and most big pimpin’ beards in NBA history.
Baron Davis
Walt Frazier
Larry Johnson
Baron Davis: Boom-Dizzle took cues from fellow bay-area players Ice Cube and Rick Ross, and sported a well-groomed beard that would make Kimbo Slice proud.
Walt “Clyde” Frazier: There’s no way Clyde would get “re-jected” when he was shakin’ and bakin’ with that classic ’80s specimen of a beard. No play for gray, indeed.
Larry Johnson: I truly believe the famous four-point play never happens without this beauty. Even Grandmama wishes she had one like that back in the day.
Kurt Rambis: Because when has a caterpillar mustache ever not looked good?
And now, without further adeu, it’s time to introduce the pantheon of the ugliest NBA facial hair of all-time. Players received bonus points for multiple beard styles and/or blatant disregard for hygiene.
Drew Gooden: The Osama Bin Gooden was one thing, but this half-Dave-Navarro-rocker, half-octopus concoction is outrageous…ly awesome. But at least he, um, “won” the beard-growing contest with Deshawn Stevenson (more on him later).
Pau Gasol: I’m curious to know what inspired Pau to go from clean-shaven straight to Eurotrash. Maybe he saw Castaway for the first time that summer. At least his brother Marc is somewhat trying not to look like the Geico caveman’s body double. Okay, on second thought, not really.
Scot Pollard: We covered the many looks of Scot Pollard once before, from the crazy mutton chops to the colorful dye jobs, but this monstrosity warrants another look. It’s a beard and it’s braided. Need I say more?
Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Big Z sported a massive playoff beard in 2006, until he “got [tired of having] to comb it” in the morning. Gross. It looked like the combined forces of time and gravity gradually pulled the hair off his head and onto his face.
Brian Skinner: Is Skinner’s King Tut-throwback, Ying Yang Twins-approved, half-blond goatee enough to officially make him the Black Scot Pollard? I say, yes. And that’s not a compliment by any stretch of the imagination.
Bill Walton: Walton himself proclaimed it was “the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan’s beard look good.” Little known fact: the character of Teen Wolf was actually inspired by Walton’s fire-red Abe Lincoln beard.
DeShawn Stevenson: Clearly, DeShawn couldn’t feel his face because it was covered with a used Brillo pad. But perhaps he should grow it back after shooting a putrid 31% from the field when he finally shaved last season.
Gregg Popovich: Pop was either trying to intimidate Spurs’ opponents and arch-nemesis Joey Crawford by looking like the Unabomber on the sidelines, or simply decided to grow a Chia pet on his chin.
Yao Ming: Yao promised he’d shave his patchy um, “beard” if the Chinese team made it to the Olympic semifinal, but inexplicably believing scraggly, prepubescent peach-fuzz was en vogue, continued to sport it during the following NBA season (as much as he tried to cover it up).
Mark Eaton: Sure, Eaton kept his thick beard clean and neatly-trimmed, but it’s not often that a seven-footer gets routinely mistaken for a lumberjack off the court.
Dishonorable Mention:
*Adam Morrison: Speaking of wispy mustaches, we don’t want to get on (NBA champion!) Morrison yet again, but that barely-visible lip sweater made him look like a sixth-grader who desperately wanted to look “grown up” in middle school.
*Brian Winters: I’m not sure I understand what’s going on here, but I believe Winters’ chin gave birth to a beehive.
*Phil Jackson: Phil may have more rings than Popovich, but his Colonel Sanders beard doesn’t hold candle to Pop’s masterpiece. Although this old school look sure comes close.
*World B. Free: Much like Big Z, Free’s wasn’t actually losing hair on his head…it was just migrating down his cheeks and resting on his face.
*Greg Oden: slowly on its way to reaching Gooden proportions.
(Late Monday night, Matt Carroll & Josh Howard are in their San Antonio hotel room with a Spurs phone directory..)
Carroll: Let’s dial Matthew Bonner first!
Howard: Tell him his face is killin’ me! (giggles)
Carroll: Oh! (chortles, dials)
Bonner: (drowsy) Hrm…hello?
Carroll: Matthew Robert Bonner?
Howard: (stifled giggle) (more…)
The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..
Round 1: #3 San Antonio Spurs vs. #6 Dallas Mavericks.. (more…)
It begins..
As I mentioned earlier today, all the neutral sites have been thoroughly booked by those jerks at the NCAA, NIT & so forth. So the games of The 2009 NBA-NCAA Challenge, Brought to you by Pepperidge Farm, will be taking place on the planets of the solar system we call home.
Today’s play-in game will take place on Neptune, since Pluto isn’t a planet anymore. (Sucks to be you, Pluto!) (more…)
There’s usually nothing funny about an athlete missing games with an injury. But once in a while, a player gets hurt by doing something so stupid or humiliating, that you can’t help but laugh. Bill Gramatica tearing his ACL after celebrating a meaningless field goal, Gus Frerotte head-butting a padded cement wall in the endzone, and Sammy Sosa blowing out his back with a violent sneeze are just a few infamous examples from other sports. Here are some of the funniest (and dumbest) injuries from the NBA.
Pervis Ellison, Celtics: “Out of Service Pervis” (then-teammate Danny Ainge’s affectionate nickname) sure made it stressful for Boston in the late-90’s. The oft-injured Ellison missed most of the 1996/97 season after dropping a coffee table on his foot and breaking his big toe in 11 places. He’d play 78 games over the next four seasons combined, using most of his free time to grow out those awesome dreads. Ironically, Kendrick Perkins missed time earlier this season after his bed somehow collapsed on his toe. The Ghost of Pervis lives!
Kevin Johnson, Suns: After Johnson hit a game-winning shot, Charles Barkley celebrated by wrapping him up in a big bear hug. Barkley squeezed so tightly, that he popped and dislocated KJ’s shoulder. Uh, how about you just stick to the homoerotic butt-slapping next time, guys? Then again, that was probably not the best advice for Sir Charles while he was serving his three-day jail sentence.
Tony Allen, Celtics: In January 2007, Allen decided to showboat by going up for an uncontested dunk, well after the referee blew the whistle to stop the game. He came down awkwardly on his right leg, and ended up missing the rest of the season with a torn ACL and MCL. Although he returned after only nine months, he still hasn’t regained the speed and quickness he once showed on the court. And the worst part is that he didn’t even make the dunk!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bucks: In a 1974 pre-season game, Abdul-Jabbar was pushed and inadvertently poked in the eye by Don Nelson. Kareem was so mad that he turned around and punched the backboard support. He’d sit out the first 16 games of the regular season with a broken hand. It’s too bad that angry Kareem never made a cameo at the 33-second mark of this clip and decked Billy Crystal.
Lionel Simmons, Kings: Simmons missed two games during the 1990/91 season with wrist tendinitis, brought on from playing too much Nintendo Gameboy. As someone who likes to sneak in an occasional game of Tetris during the workday, I feel your pain, Lionel.
Drew Gooden, Magic: Gooden: out (infected hair follicle). Those five words appeared on Orlando’s official injury report on March 7, 2004, ending the forward’s consecutive games played streak at 83. A relapse in 2007 led an embarrassed Gooden to finally shave the ducktail on the back of his neck. Okay, so the infected hair was on right leg, and I made up that last part (at least as far as I know).
Brad Miller, Kings: Miller missed several games last season after getting stitches to repair a gash on his finger. He sliced it while washing dishes in his own house, and no, I have no idea what a multi-millionaire athlete was doing hand-washing cups and plates. And couldn’t you come up with something just a little more manly, Brad, even if it was a large butcher knife? Everyone loves a good fight story.
Derrick Rose, Bulls: Similarly to Brad Miller, Rose needed 10 stitches last December after cutting his arm while trying to peel an apple in bed. I’m guessing that’s not how Vinny Del Negro drew it up…but hey, even if he did, it would still go down as one of his best plays of the year.
Monta Ellis, Warriors: Ellis severely sprained his ankle during the summer, and missed the first three months of the regular season. After insisting that he hurt himself while working out, he finally revealed that it happened after he was involved in a low-speed moped accident. The Warriors suspended Pinocchio for 30 games without pay and decided against hiring Jay Williams as an assistant coach.
Dishonorable Mention:
*Muggsy Bogues: missed the second half of a game after accidentally inhaling ointment fumes while getting treated at halftime.
*Jason Collins: missed the preseason and the start of the regular season after suffering an with an elbow injury when his golf cart skidded and tipped over.
*Latrell Sprewell: broke his hand either when he tripped and fell off his yacht or when he punched a wall, depending on who you ask (he was out of the league at the time).
*Magic Johnson: having unprotect — nah, let’s not go there for once.
Putting my favorite NBA quote into words wouldn’t do it justice. Even if you’ve heard it before, go ahead and play Mark Madsen’s speech from the Lakers’ championship parade. If a better one-minute clip exists on the interwebs, I’ve yet to see it. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to the funniest and dumbest NBA quotes of all-time. In honor of Stephon Marbury, the Tracy Jordan of the NBA, we’ll dish out 14 dimes…and add another 6 assists for good measure. And please read this post — we’ve got families to feed!
1. “Sam is an idiot. I-D-O-U-T. Idiot.” — Shaquille O’Neal, responding to Chicago Tribune columnist Sam Smith’s suggestion that the Miami Heat should trade the big man. And now we know that Shaq takes spelling lessons from Homer J. Simpson.
2. “I’ve had to overcome a lot of diversity.” — Drew Gooden, on the ups and downs of his NBA career. Damn that diversity, always getting in the way of progress — what’s up with Title IX anyway?
3. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd, after being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks. And he turned out to be exactly right — the team won 19 games before he arrived, and 26 games in his final season. Oh, the irony!
4. “I don’t want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.” –Sherman Douglas. If I understood that correctly, Sherm has a detachable mouth?
5. “It’s almost like we have ESPN.” — Magic Johnson, on his relationship with James Worthy. I’ll bet Magic wouldn’t say that if Stephen A. Smith was on the air back then. And, man, do I miss The Magic Hour…
6. “He’s one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him.” –- Scottie Pippen, on Tim Duncan. Now we know the secret to Pippen’s defensive prowess — Scottie is actually Mr. Potato Head.
7. “I’m like the Pythagorean theorem. Not too many people know the answer to my game.” — Shaquille O’Neal. I don’t understand why NBA teams haven’t hired more high school math teachers to stop him in the paint.
8. “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” — Doug Collins. See, now this is exactly the kind of stuff Vinny Del Negro should be teaching his young Bulls team. If you don’t turn the ball over and score more points than your opponent, you’ll win the game…almost always.
9. “Not really. I’m not a fan of Chinese food” — Bobby Simmons, on whether he’s looking forward to playing in Japan. On the other hand, Bobby was ecstatic to go travel to Turkey because Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday.
10. “Play some Picasso.” — Chris Morris, to a piano player while trying to impress a date. Have you hear the “Guernica” remix? It’s got that neoclassical-soul vibe…
We’ve all made bad fashion choices here and there. Watch any TV show from the mid-90’s, and you can’t help but get distracted by some of the unbelievably bad outfits. I recently came across a picture of myself in middle school, in which I’m dressed in a purple Larry Johnson Hornets jersey with the matching shorts. I now realize that wasn’t a good look. And of course, the NBA has seen its own share of forgettable trends…
1. Who Wears Short Shorts? Okay, so this one isn’t really fair. That was the style in the ’80’s, and plus, the NBA has always frowned on (and fined) shorts that extended below the knee. I only mention it for two reasons.
Worst. Idea. Ever.
Tight Night!
2. Men In Tights: To the untrained eye, these look absolutely ridiculous, but what do we know? Megastars such as Kobe, Wade, and LeBron donned multi-colored tights on a regular basis during the 2005/06 season — the trend became so big, that ESPN even kept a tidy list of offenders. Supposedly, they help prevent injuries, though even LeBron once admitted that it was more of a fashion statement for most players. The NBA predictably banned wearing full-length tights under uniform shorts, but really, isn’t looking like a ballerina punishment enough?
3. Long Beautiful Hair: …or not. Look, I have nothing against long hair (especially the ‘fro), but as they say, everything ain’t for everybody. Mike Miller looks (ever more) like a middle school girl with his hairband, while Walter “Fabio” Herrmann belongs on the cover of a trashy romance novel with those golden locks. Thankfully, Chris Kaman cut his thinning “I Married an Axe Murder” hair, though I strongly advise you to not click on the thumbnail for your own safety.
Honorable mention goes to Sasha Vujacic’s hair net and Mike Dunleavy Jr., Miller’s hair apparent (ha).
Mike Miller
Walter Herrmann
Chris Kaman
4. Scot Pollard: Yes, Scot(t) gets his own category — it’s like a lifetime achievement award for his body of work over the years. Sit back and enjoy the many looks of The Talented Mr. Pollard, along with my personal nickname for each (you’re welcome)…
Blond Soul Man
Semi-Samurai
Ivan Drag-o
Why So Serious?
Double Mohawk
Vlade Throwback
5. The Suits: No NBA fashion entry would be complete without mentioning the draft-day suits. There have been many instant classics over the years, and observing the draftees’ outfits remains one of, if not the most entertaining part of the evening. Here are a handful of my favorites that truly illustrate what makes the NBA so damn amazing…
Karl Malone
Hakeem Olajuwon
Jalen Rose
Samaki Walker
Drew Gooden
Maurice Taylor
Tim Thomas
Bobby Jackson
Joakim Noah
Powered by WordPress. Theme: TheBuckmaker. Viverto Search, Fischler
