Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.
Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.
Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!
Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Terrorism!
Former NBA superstar Tim Hardaway will join Lowposts throughout the 2010 offseason to break down the various free agency acquisitions in what may be the busiest contract year in recent history.
Today: Dwyane Wade & Chris Bosh
Clintastic!
In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii. If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.
There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer. My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.
Without further ado, I present the three players – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis. I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves. Whoops, bad choice of words there.
(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson. Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)
Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.
Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.
Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.
Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.
Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.
Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).
Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)
Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.
Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.
Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.
Quick Misses:
*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.
*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.
*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.
*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.
*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.
(Metro-Dade Vice Detective Alonzo Mourning wakes up in a pool of his own blood..)
Mourning: Oh God! My kidney!
Jugga-jugga-jugga-jugga
Jugga-jugga-jugga-jugga
Bow-na-now-now-now-now
Bow-na-now-now-now-nowww…
Tonight’s Episode: You’ve Gotta Be Kidney.. (more…)
We’ve seen some epic collapses in the sports world, from the Houston Oilers’ overtime meltdown against the Buffalo Bills in 1993 to the Boston Red Sox historic comeback against the New York Yankees in 2004. While no team in NBA history has ever blown a 3-0 series lead, eight teams have battled back from a 3-1 deficit, and an eighth seed once made it all the way to the Finals. Let’s take a look at some of the biggest choke jobs in recent NBA playoff history.
1. Seattle vs. Denver (1994): Yes, it was a five-game series, but no one gave the eighth seed Nuggets any chance of beating the 63-win Sonics. Seattle went up 2-0, and then had approximately 1,243 shots blocked by Dikembe Mutombo in the next three games. And of course, we’ll always have that wonderful image of Mutombo clutching the ball while laying on the court; it sexed him later on that evening.
2. Dallas vs. Golden State (2007): The Warriors became the first eighth seed to beat the one seed in a seven-game series, though it wasn’t completely unexpected after Golden State matched up so well against the Dallas during the regular season. Still, there’s no question that the Mavs fell apart and lost their confidence, especially MVP Dirk “No-win-ski,” who scored 8 points on 2 or 13 shooting in the deciding Game 6. But please, Nellie, control yourself!
3. New York vs. Indiana (1995): The Knicks held a six-point lead with less than 20 seconds left in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals, before Miller hit a three, stole a sloppy Anthony inbounds pass, and tied the game with another three-ball. John “2 for 19″ Stars then missed two free throws, before Miller, inexplicably fouled by Mason, hit both foul shots and ran into the locker room screaming, “Chokers! Chokers!” Yep, that about says it all right there. And if you’re wondering, this game just barely edges out Teresa Witherspoon’s half-court buzzer beater in the 1999 WNBA Finals for my favorite playoff finish of all-time. I’m completely serious.
4. Orlando vs. Detroit (2003): The eighth-seed Magic took a shocking 3-1 series lead over the heavily-favored Pistons, leading Tracy McGrady to note that it was “nice to finally be in the second round.” Maybe he didn’t know about the rule change? Orlando lost the next three games by an average of twenty points and T-Mac has still not played on a team that has advanced past the first round. Tracy, it’s not on you, and maybe it’s time to give it up?
5. Portland vs. Los Angeles Lakers (2000): You can find Portland under “choke” in the dictionary — no, really, you can. The Blazers held a 15-point lead at the start of the fourth quarter in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals and threw it all away. Wait, does anyone realize that we were minutes away from the Jail Blazers going to the Finals and likely winning the championship? And watching Kobe and Shaq man-hug and pretend to like each other was awkward back then, but it’s on a whole different level now.
6. Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston (2008): The Lakers led by 24 points in the third quarter of Game 4, but lost the game after the Celtics completed the biggest comeback in the NBA Finals since 1971. After winning Game 5, Los Angeles missed their flight to Boston and forfeited Game 6. Oh, right, Kobe and company were drubbed by 39 points, the biggest margin of victory in an NBA championship-clinching game (laughs manically).
7. Dallas vs. Miami (2006): The Mavs won the first two games of the Finals, and Mark Cuban started planning a championship parade. Dallas was up by 13 points with under seven minutes left in Game 3, but ended up blowing the lead and the next three games on a series of missed free throws and botched timeouts. And Dwyane Wade may have gotten a call or two in South Beach…along with herpes.
7. Los Angeles Lakers vs. Phoenix (2006): After losing Game 1, the seventh-seed Lakers won the next three, and looked to close out the Suns in five games. Raja Bell would have none of that, and became the hero of Laker-haters everywhere after clothes-lining Kobe Bryant in Game 5. Kobe, afraid of another ass-kicking, took only three shots in the second half of the deciding seventh game, a 31-point Phoenix win (continues to laugh).
9. Miami vs. New York (1999): The Knicks made an improbable run all the way to the Finals as an eighth seed, defeating the Heat in the first round on an Allan Houston running jumper, though it should be noted that this happened during the fat player lockout shortened season. It’s a little ironic that Latrell Sprewell was on the other side of the choke. And was it all worth it when you consider that it led to Houston’s cap-killing contract? I say, no.
10. New Jersey vs. Boston (2002): The Nets were leading by 21 points in the fourth quarter of Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals, and were then outscored 41-16 by the Celtics the rest of the way. It’s ranked lower because New Jersey surprisingly rebounded to win the series after going down 2-1, and earned a trip to a Finals sweep at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers (stops laughing).
Honorable Mention:
*Sacramento vs. Los Angeles Lakers (2002): Conspiracy theories aside, the Kings were visibly nervous in Game 7 and missed 14 out of 30 free throws. I’d rather not talk about this.
*Orlando vs. Houston (1995): More of an individual career collapse since the Magic were woefully outmatched in Finals, but has there ever been a more stunning breakdown than Nick Anderson missing four consecutive free throws in the closing seconds of Game 1?
Michael Mann’s feature film Public Enemies is due to be released in July. The tale of the greatest crime wave America’s ever seen and the birth of the FBI in the early 1930’s stars Batman as FBI Agent Melvin Purvis & that gay pirate as bank robber extraordinaire John Dillinger.
Constant repeated viewing of the trailers got me thinking about which NBA stars best relate to which Great Depression-era gangster figures, seeing as how we’re in a Pretty Good Depression of our own these days.. (more…)
It has been forty-six days since Bob Ryan’s last Celtics column. He hasn’t written anything basketball-related since the Starbury signing. Clearly nothing important has happened since then.
Oh, and his face exploded.
(Bob Ryan’s pompous windbaggery in bold, my windy pompbagousness in plain.)
Forget A Repeat, Celtics Are Already Winners
Gold stars all around!
Bob Ryan, the voice of the fan…of another city’s teams.
For the fan, it’s better this way.
With KG’s career crumbling & Danny Ainge practically dying? Yeah, it’s much better this way. Thanks, Bob.
You know the deal up front.
We’re fucked running.
The Celtics will not become the 2009 NBA champions.
Ever the optimist..
You won’t be teased.
But my bangs look terrible!
You won’t be living through one of those tedious, agonizing, will-he-or-won’t-he scenarios. Barring some unforeseen medical miracle,
Robo-Knees!
Kevin Garnett is O-U-T, out of the playoffs.
Sorta like how Bob is O-U-T, out of Fritos.
They now have a new goal - the Eastern Conference finals.
The real NBA Finals. (Suck it, LA.)
That remains quite attainable. Orlando’s good, but not scary good.
So relax.
Sigh.
/kicks off shoes, puts feet up on desk
The pressure’s off.
/puts hands behind head, stares off into distant future with look of complacent happiness on face
//shoots self in head
Sit back and watch an entertaining team do the best it can, whatever that happens to be.
CONFIDENCE!
There is no other sane way to look at this.
Yeah, but we’re Boston fans, Bob. Sanity never comes into the equation.
But wait. I gather that some people are - I can hardly believe this - angry. Disappointed, I can see. I’m disappointed, too, but angry? About what?
ABOUT YOU AND YOUR NEW FACE, BOB RYAN!
And maybe the fact that you already proclaimed we won’t be repeating this year, since, you know, you’re a Boston sportswriter and therefore one of the only people in America that has the right to speak about Boston sports in a positive light and yet still doesn’t do it. Everybody else hates our stupid smelly guts. The least you & Shaughnessy could do is lie to us and say we’re gonna do it all over again. We’re not stupid, we know our chances are slim to nill. But it’s nice sometimes, when the situation is especially dire, to fool yourself into a false sense of positivity. Tell us our glasses are half full, you bag of old wind.
Everyone else is against us. It’d be nice if the two guys who wrote about us were on our side once in a while.
Is there some kind of entitlement clause I never heard about?
Yes, we passed it in the early eighties. Don’t you follow local politics?
Have fans forgotten that when the Big Three were assembled there was an agreed-upon three-year window to produce title No. 17, and that the goal has already been achieved?
Might as well pack it up then. Basketball is closed on account of too many championships. From now on, please enjoy hockey, baseball, football and frolf.
People have no right to get greedy,
Coming from the guy who finishes off the deviled egg plate at Globe banquets every year.
especially when two excellent teams such as the 66-16 Cavaliers and the 65-17 Lakers are on the prowl. I’m not saying a healthy Celtics team couldn’t have beaten either the Cavs or the Lakers, but I would not have expected them to. Big difference.
I don’t have a complete lack of confidence in my team; just a very very very very large lack of confidence in my team. Big difference.
Now there is a legitimate question here, I’ll grant that.
Why do you still have a job?
To borrow a phrase, what did the Celtics know, and when did they know it? Some are asking if perhaps there’s more going on here than a “sprain,” and, if so, why wasn’t it addressed immediately, perhaps surgically?
Because he would’ve missed the playoffs anyway. Why give the enemy an advanced scouting report?
My answer is that I don’t know for sure,
Jeez, I’m just the top basketball journalist in this city with more connections than any other Boston writer besides Shaughnessy. Gimme a break!
but I doubt there was any information evasion going on.
But again, I don’t know; ’cause I’m a shitty old journalist who just doesn’t give a crap anymore. I’m too busy getting facials & skin peels that frighten small children to worry about my job that they pay me money for, which I in turn spend on facials & skin peels that frighten small children.
I think the brass is a bit gobsmacked by this development.
That’s seriously the second time I’ve heard that word today. Also the second time I’ve heard that word in my entire life. I s’pose it’s better than being gobstopped. 
As recently as Monday, here is what Danny Ainge had to say.
“Garrrrggghhhh! My heart!”
“I’m optimistic.
Bob Ryan had to dictionary.com that one..
Hopeful. We’re just waiting to see. Hopefully, we will be 100 percent healthy, I think we will be.”
Yeesh, that’s ironic on multiple levels..
I doubt he was referring to Gabe Pruitt.
‘Cause that guy’s fuckin’ banged-up.
But I think we all know what’s really going on, and it’s pretty simple.
Kevin Garnett’s a Communist spy!
The Big Ticket has been punched for 1,128 games, regular season and playoffs combined. And Garnett minutes are unlike anyone else’s minutes. A Garnett minute is at least a minute and 20, and maybe more.
Minute-twenty-three?
Nobody plays as intensely as Kevin Garnett - nobody. His right knee is saying “Ouch,” or words to that effect.
I think it’s more like, “RARRRRRREEEEEAAARRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHRREEEEEAAAARRGGGHHHHHH!!!!”"”
And then this happens: 
It’s got to be bad. This is Kevin Garnett we’re talking about.
Ohhh, I thought we were talking about the small town of Garnett, Kansas!
“After watching him run,” Doc Rivers told WEEI yesterday morning, “there’s no way . . . This was an honest run today. You couldn’t fake your way through it; you know what I’m saying?”
Sadly, yes.
I know exactly what you’re saying, Boston Celtics Head Coach Doctor Rivers. And it saddens me.
A Garnett-less Celtics is still a formidable foe.
Geraldo Rivera guest-wrote that last sentence.
They were 18-7 without him this season, with seven of those victories coming over teams with winning records (Phoenix, Denver, Cleveland, Miami twice, and Atlanta twice). They score the ball, as they like to say nowadays, just fine.
Who says this again?
“I scored the ball! Basketball-Touchdown!”
The problem comes at the defensive end, where Garnett was the physical and spiritual leader.
The rest of the team were filthy Presbyterians before KG came along.
They simply do not defend as well without Kevin Garnett in the lineup and - stop me if you’ve heard this - defense is what wins championships.
Stop.
I’ve heard it.
Stop forever.
We’re going to find out a few things in these playoffs.
For instance, will my face ever heal?
We will see, for example, just how far Glen “Big Baby” Davis has come in the past two months.
He’s up to four Big Macs a day.
Anyone watching this team in the 25 games since KG sustained his knee injury Feb. 19 in Salt Lake City knows that no individual on the team has personally prospered as much as Big Baby, who has broadened his offensive game by making himself a reliable face-up jump shooter and who just plays with more overall poise and presence than he did before.
He’s just gotta stop shootin’ those twenty-footers, though. For the love of Frank..
Baby ended the season nicely, averaging 12.6 points since March 1 while putting up such numbers as 24, 19, 19, 19, 22, 15 and 21 in seven of the final 12 regular-season games. Can he maintain that pace in the most important games? That’s a good question.
You should buy yourself something pretty for that great question you asked yourself, Bob.
Baby and Leon Powe
POW!
will be vitally important. Powe is well-established as a walking double-double waiting to happen. The biggest difference between the two is that Baby has at least grasped the basic concept of the vital defensive rotations from the beginning, whereas Leon still has a way of getting lost.
Meh, he’s from Oakland. I’m surprised he can ties his shoes correctly.
But there are few more relentless forces coming off a bench in terms of attacking the glass and taking it to the hoop than Leon Powe.
Do I hate him? Do I love him? I don’t know! I’m Bob Ryan.
But let’s get serious.
Finally, my sides are killing me! STOP TICKLING MY FUNNY BONE, BOB RYAN!!!
The man who will have to produce, who will have to bring nightly A games, who will have to be as good as he likes to think he is: The Captain.
Wow, Jason Varitek already has enough pressure on him as it is with the baseball stuff..
Paul Pierce came away from last season’s Finals with an enhanced reputation as a prime-time player.
Probably why he didn’t get that SNL job..
But that didn’t seem to be enough for him.
The greedy bastard!
Unless I mistook what he was saying, he couldn’t understand why people were hesitating to put him on the same level as Kobe and LeBron (and now, Dwyane). OK, Cap. If you really are that good, now’s the time to prove it.
Because winning a championship - something Lebron hasn’t done & Kobe hasn’t done on his own - is just not enough.
I, for one, won’t hold him to that.
Even though I just told him to prove it.
It’s no insult to be a great player, as Pierce is, and still be a cut below that reigning Holy Trinity of Hoop.
Chicago reminds me somewhat of last year’s Hawks,
Segues? We don’t need no stinkin’ segues!
with all those bouncy legs
Whoa, hey. Do you need to be alone, Bob? ‘Cause we can leave..
(John Salmons, Joakim Noah, Tyrus Thomas, etc.). They’ve got a great young point guard in Derrick Rose and lots of veteran savvy coming off the bench with Brad Miller, Kirk Hinrich and Tim Thomas, a guy who’s always capable of dropping a quick 20 on you.
Is he talking about some sort of Alternate Universe Tim Thomas who listens to his coaches & plays efficient basketball?
But the Celtics should get by them.
Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
That would bring up Orlando,
Not according to the Lowposts Combos® Playoff Previews!
with that great front line of Dwight Howard, Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis,
Even though Hedo & ‘Shard are playing hurt and may not even make it through Philly..
but they will miss All-Star guard Jameer Nelson, and the Celtics have a very good chance of beating them.
Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
Then it’s all house money. The pressure would be completely on the Cavs. Should you hope? Sure.
Thanks, Bob. I wasn’t sure if I should hope anymore.
Should you expect? No.
Done & done.
I feel like I have to poop. Should I poop, Bob?
They’re pretty good. Excuse me, He is pretty good. In fact, He is transcendent.
Meh, Jesus ain’t that great.
If LeBron James
Oh, Lebron. Yeah, He’s awesome.
can bring his team within a minute of beating the Celtics last season, why would you think he won’t find a way to beat a Garnett-less Celtics team this year?
Anyway, you’ve already gotten your reward. Stop whining.
Wow.
Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist and host of the Globe’s 10.0 on Boston.com. He can be reached at ryan@globe.com. 
~~~
Bob Ryan. A class act. Berates his readers for believing in things. STOP HAVING FAITH, YOU STUPID ASSHOLES!
You know what, Bob? I wish you did have face cancer.
Stop whining.
The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..
Round 1: #4 Atlanta Hawks vs. #5 Miami Heat (more…)
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