www.lowposts.com

Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)

Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.

Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.

Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.

Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.

Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.

Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).

Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)

Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.

Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.

Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.

Quick Misses:

*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.

*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.

*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.

*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.

*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.

(Metro-Dade Vice Detective Alonzo Mourning wakes up in a pool of his own blood..)

Mourning: Oh God! My kidney!

Jugga-jugga-jugga-jugga
Jugga-jugga-jugga-jugga
Bow-na-now-now-now-now
Bow-na-now-now-now-nowww…

Tonight’s Episode:  You’ve Gotta Be Kidney.. (more…)

We’ve seen some epic collapses in the sports world, from the Houston Oilers’ overtime meltdown against the Buffalo Bills in 1993 to the Boston Red Sox historic comeback against the New York Yankees in 2004. While no team in NBA history has ever blown a 3-0 series lead, eight teams have battled back from a 3-1 deficit, and an eighth seed once made it all the way to the Finals. Let’s take a look at some of the biggest choke jobs in recent NBA playoff history.

1. Seattle vs. Denver (1994): Yes, it was a five-game series, but no one gave the eighth seed Nuggets any chance of beating the 63-win Sonics. Seattle went up 2-0, and then had approximately 1,243 shots blocked by Dikembe Mutombo in the next three games.  And of course, we’ll always have that wonderful image of Mutombo clutching the ball while laying on the court; it sexed him later on that evening.

2. Dallas vs. Golden State (2007): The Warriors became the first eighth seed to beat the one seed in a seven-game series, though it wasn’t completely unexpected after Golden State matched up so well against the Dallas during the regular season.  Still, there’s no question that the Mavs fell apart and lost their confidence, especially MVP Dirk “No-win-ski,” who scored 8 points on 2 or 13 shooting in the deciding Game 6. But please, Nellie, control yourself!

3. New York vs. Indiana (1995): The Knicks held a six-point lead with less than 20 seconds left in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals, before Miller hit a three, stole a sloppy Anthony inbounds pass, and tied the game with another three-ball. John “2 for 19″ Stars then missed two free throws, before Miller, inexplicably fouled by Mason, hit both foul shots and ran into the locker room screaming, “Chokers! Chokers!” Yep, that about says it all right there. And if you’re wondering, this game just barely edges out Teresa Witherspoon’s half-court buzzer beater in the 1999 WNBA Finals for my favorite playoff finish of all-time. I’m completely serious.

4. Orlando vs. Detroit (2003): The eighth-seed Magic took a shocking 3-1 series lead over the heavily-favored Pistons, leading Tracy McGrady to note that it was “nice to finally be in the second round.” Maybe he didn’t know about the rule change? Orlando lost the next three games by an average of twenty points and T-Mac has still not played on a team that has advanced past the first round. Tracy, it’s not on you, and maybe it’s time to give it up?

5. Portland vs. Los Angeles Lakers (2000): You can find Portland under “choke” in the dictionary — no, really, you can. The Blazers held a 15-point lead at the start of the fourth quarter in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals and threw it all away. Wait, does anyone realize that we were minutes away from the Jail Blazers going to the Finals and likely winning the championship? And watching Kobe and Shaq man-hug and pretend to like each other was awkward back then, but it’s on a whole different level now.

6. Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston (2008): The Lakers led by 24 points in the third quarter of Game 4, but lost the game after the Celtics completed the biggest comeback in the NBA Finals since 1971. After winning Game 5, Los Angeles missed their flight to Boston and forfeited Game 6. Oh, right, Kobe and company were drubbed by 39 points, the biggest margin of victory in an NBA championship-clinching game (laughs manically).

7. Dallas vs. Miami (2006): The Mavs won the first two games of the Finals, and Mark Cuban started planning a championship parade. Dallas was up by 13 points with under seven minutes left in Game 3, but ended up blowing the lead and the next three games on a series of missed free throws and botched timeouts. And Dwyane Wade may have gotten a call or two in South Beach…along with herpes.

7. Los Angeles Lakers vs. Phoenix (2006): After losing Game 1, the seventh-seed Lakers won the next three, and looked to close out the Suns in five games. Raja Bell would have none of that, and became the hero of Laker-haters everywhere after clothes-lining Kobe Bryant in Game 5. Kobe, afraid of another ass-kicking, took only three shots in the second half of the deciding seventh game, a 31-point Phoenix win (continues to laugh).

9. Miami vs. New York (1999): The Knicks made an improbable run all the way to the Finals as an eighth seed, defeating the Heat in the first round on an Allan Houston running jumper, though it should be noted that this happened during the fat player lockout shortened season. It’s a little ironic that Latrell Sprewell was on the other side of the choke. And was it all worth it when you consider that it led to Houston’s cap-killing contract? I say, no.

10. New Jersey vs. Boston (2002): The Nets were leading by 21 points in the fourth quarter of Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals, and were then outscored 41-16 by the Celtics the rest of the way.  It’s ranked lower because New Jersey surprisingly rebounded to win the series after going down 2-1, and earned a trip to a Finals sweep at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers (stops laughing).

Honorable Mention:

*Sacramento vs. Los Angeles Lakers (2002): Conspiracy theories aside, the Kings were visibly nervous in Game 7 and missed 14 out of 30 free throws. I’d rather not talk about this.

*Orlando vs. Houston (1995): More of an individual career collapse since the Magic were woefully outmatched in Finals, but has there ever been a more stunning breakdown than Nick Anderson missing four consecutive free throws in the closing seconds of Game 1?

Michael Mann’s feature film Public Enemies is due to be released in July. The tale of the greatest crime wave America’s ever seen and the birth of the FBI in the early 1930’s stars Batman as FBI Agent Melvin Purvis & that gay pirate as bank robber extraordinaire John Dillinger.

Constant repeated viewing of the trailers got me thinking about which NBA stars best relate to which Great Depression-era gangster figures, seeing as how we’re in a Pretty Good Depression of our own these days.. (more…)

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 1: #4 Atlanta Hawks vs. #5 Miami Heat (more…)

The Heat have been in Boston since Sunday night.

Four nights in Massachusetts for a Miami native must be like four nights on the Sun for a penguin.

By NBA standards, this makes them eligible to vote in Massachusetts.

Massholes are already pretty bad voters. They don’t need Florida voters helping them out.

Pro basketball teams are often in a city for less than 24 hours.

They come in, they ravish my body and they leave; never to call me again..

Wade & Co. came to the Hub

Don’t call it that..

after a loss in Philadelphia, and Spoelstra gave them the day off Monday. Wade did not walk the Freedom Trail.

Wade does not support freedom.

“It was a rest day, a day to get away from basketball,” he said.

Get away from me, basketball!

He took treatment for his shoulder, knee, and hip. And he watched a lot of “SportsCenter.”

No basketball there..

“I’m an ESPN guy,” he said. “A movie guy. Jacuzzi.

Jacuzzi Guy?

Our strength coach keeps us busy.”

Busy cleaning the jacuzzi.

If he’s hanging around in his hotel room, with “SportsCenter” looping in the background, does his head snap to attention when they cut to the latest D-Wade highlights?

Kinda like how Shaughnessy’s head snaps to attention when they cut to a Buckner highlight?

“Of course you watch it,” he said. “But right now it’s all about March Madness.”

Oh, and the playoff race. That too..

Like Doc Rivers, Wade is a Marquette man. Six years ago this week, Wade was on the Marquette team that beat Holy Cross, 72-68, in the first round of the NCAA tourney.

Wow, how did they handle the 2003 Holy Cross juggernaut?

“We rolled after that,” he remembered. “But besides losing to Kansas [in the national semifinals], that was our toughest game. We got to worry about Utah State right now.

Fear the Aggies. If I knew what an Aggie was, I would fear it.

“Doc always talks to me about the Warriors,

And how they like to come out & play-ee-yay.

but I remind him that I’m a Golden Eagle. He was a Warrior.

(Marquette caved to pressure and switched nicknames in 1994.)

That was a good move, though. Every time I call an Indian a Warrior, they get soooo pissed.

This is Miami’s first trip to Boston this year. One week ago, the Heat beat the undermanned Celtics, 107-99, in Miami.

WE WERE UNDERMANNED, DAMMIT! WE HAD LESS MEN THAN WE NORMALLY DO! AND IT WAS HUMID!!

“It’s going to be rockin’ here,” said Wade.

Yeah, dude! Keep on truckin’!

“We know how we play in front of our home crowd, and this is going to be a very tough atmosphere for us.

Because they are not our home crowd. They are an away crowd.

“We know we won’t see them in the first round, but maybe later in the second round. Something like that.

Kinda sorta maybe.

Hopefully, we stay out of their way for the first round. Hopefully, we stay in that 4-5 range, maybe meet them later.

Or not..

“Last year they had a lot of players on their team that hadn’t won a championship and it seemed like it took them forever to get it.

Those losers. Why didn’t they just have the refs call everything in their favor?

It’s even tougher to repeat.

It’s even tougher to repeat. Hey, no it isn’t!

Something we experienced. When you’re the champions, you’re every team’s big game and they get up for you no matter what. It’s very tough, especially not having all your guns.”

I need ammo!

Wade won his championship with Shaquille O’Neal. Now he’s on the comeback trail with Jermaine O’Neal. Smaller guy. Big difference.

Yeah. One’s good & one sucks.

“He is getting more comfortable in the offense,” said Wade.

In other words, he’s passing it to me more.

“It’s the vision of when he came here, to have that 1-2 punch with the pick-and-roll. Or you throw it into the post and let him work. It’s very tough to defend.

“Kind of pick your poison.

Rat poison! No wait, strychnine!

Blitz me and I have the opportunity to throw it to him

Shit, he thinks he’s a quarterback..

or let me come off for the open jumper. It’s something we envisioned when the trade happened.”

Plans for last night?

Ahh! Past Shaughnessy! We must warn him of his future!!

“I’ve heard good things about St. Patrick’s Day in Boston,” Wade said.

And Cinco de Mayo in Mexico is supposedly quite fun.

“But my plan is to stay out of the way.”

Huh, I thought black people loved the Irish..

Different plan tonight at the Garden.

Yeah, he’s gonna get wasted tonight..

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com.

~~~

Another one bites the dust.

Once again, a Shaughnessy article that’s half-written by others. Oh, and of the three Shaughnessy Celtics posts we’ve done on lowposts so far? One was about Dwyane Wade & one was about Matt Bonner. Does Shaughnessy even live in Boston anymore?

Until we meet again, or until he writes another Celtics article (which might be midway through the Finals); remember, good citizens of Planet Earth:  Dan Shaughnessy is a complete & utter douche.

The 2009 NBA All-Star Game is just days away, and there is still so very little we know about these mysterious starters.

Who are they? Where do they come from? What are their dreams? What’s their favorite dinosaur?

Today, we will try to answer some of those questions with an interesting factoid on every starter..

And if your favorite dinosaur isn’t a pterodactyl, you’re an idiot.. (more…)

As much as I like a few current NBA player commercials, such as the Charles Barkley and Dwyane Wade T-Mobile spots, they just don’t have the same charm as the late ’80s and mid-’90’s classics. Today’s generation of NBA stars dream of being actors and global icons, and as a result, the more polished and better-written advertisements often end up being less interesting and memorable. Instead of showcasing the ‘best’ commercials of all-time, here’s a list of the funniest ones ever made.

1. Larry Bird, Chardon Jeans: I don’t think it’s possible to have a more awesome commercial where the star doesn’t even have to say a word. You gotta love the grinding roller-skating waitresses and cheesy ’80’s music, but is Bird’s ass pressed up against the arcade game supposed to sell jeans?  When did the hick from French Lick become a sex symbol? This Celtics restaurant ad deserves to be mentioned here, too, if only we had better quality.

2. Magic Johnson, Kentucky Fried Chicken: We already know that Magic’s attempt at a late-night talk show failed miserably, and that was after he took speech lessons. It’s actually hard to understand how his on-the-court charisma never translated to the camera. There are quite a few awful Magic commercials from the late ’80’s and early ’90’s, but this absurd KFC ad is my favorite, just barely edging out his anti-drug PSA, “Don’t Foul Out!”  Can you tell he’s reading cue-cards?

3. Shaquille O’Neal, All-Sport: Shaq commercials could take up the next seven spots, since he had several terrible Pepsi ones, and this borderline-homoerotic Taco Bell ad with Hakeem Olajuwon (whoever thought this was a good idea should be fired). But the All-Sport one takes the cake for being so corny and badly out-dated, and plus, is it just me, or does the ball not even go in on Shaq’s over-the-shoulder, full court shot at the end? They couldn’t even get that right?

4. Larry Johnson, Converse: I had a Larry Johnson “Grandmama” poster on my wall as a kid, and I remember my mom thinking it was really weird. Looking back back now, I couldn’t agree more. I mean, why in the world would you dress up an NBA superstar as an elderly drag-queen, and does anyone understand what’s going on in these commercials?  It’s just laughably bad, and I’m getting more and more creeped out every time I play it.  Let’s move on.

5. Gheorge Muresan, Snickers: One of few intentionally funny commercials on the list, this Muresan spoof on Michael Jordan cologne is absolutely brilliant — major props to the big man for being such a good sport. There’s another Muresan ad that my friends and I loved, where he misses a shot and then says, “Score one for the kids!” I would honestly buy anything this hilarious man tried to sell me…well, except a copy of “My Giant.”

6. Vince Carter, Nike: Another head-scratcher — Vince Carter doing cartwheels and somersaults down the street in a Craig Sager-esque purple suit, rescuing a cat out of a tree and shooting it back to the owner like a fade-away jumper…makes perfect sense to me.  And did Joe Budden need cash that badly to provide the music?  It’s too bad it cuts off after 59 seconds, and we don’t get to see Carter falling to the floor and clutching his leg in agony for the next 15 minutes.

7. Darryl Dawkins, Wheaties: This would’ve been higher on the list if Mr. Chocolate Thunder had more than just a single bar to rap — a gimmick which of course, never fails when it comes to athletes — but he makes the most of what he’s given. If I’m not mistaken, the line is, “Before I slam my gorilla dunkies, I get the eaties for my Wheaties.” Oh, just imagine the comedy if only Dawkins had decided to venture out into a music career…then again, he’d still be better than Shaq or Kobe.

8. Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, Mark Aguirre, Bernard King, Larry Bird, Converse: Speaking of NBA players trying to rap, this classic Converse commercial features several ’80’s stars showing off their funky flows about the Converse Weapon.  Shockingly, Kevin McHale comes the closest to actually being on-beat, while Bird doesn’t even try to rap and flat-out says his lines. And no, I have no idea what Magic is trying to do here either.

9. Penny Hardaway, Nike: I’m sure everyone loved these Lil’ Penny commercials back in the day, which featured Chris Rock’s voice and appearances from Tyra Banks (back when she was damn fine) and Spike Lee. They were all pretty funny — I’m guessing limited dialogue for Penny and a professional comedian helped a little. I remembering thinking it was so cool to say Lil’ Penny’s lines on the basketball court…I regret that decision now.

10. Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, McDonalds: No list would be complete with this classic, which is arguably the most famous NBA commercial ever made.  Two legends playing a crazy game of horse is enough to warrant a chuckle by itself, but Bird’s, um, “acting” — it’s not a coincidence that he lands in three of the top ten — and Jordan’s ridiculous shirt pattern take it to another level. Oh, and I’m not sure why, but the voice-overs in this Spanish version just kill me.

Honorable Mention:

*Dominique Wilkins, Danny Ainge, Byron Scott, Doc Rivers, Nike:  Which name doesn’t belong?
*Charles Barkley, Reebok:  Not really sure what’s going on here…
*David Robison and Gary Payton, Nike:  ‘The Glove’ always comes through.
*Shawn Kemp, Reebok: Similar to the Barkley one, but even more confusing.
*Brent Barry, HEB:  It’s a local ad, but wow…
*Classic Sprite:  No NBA players, but it’s still one of the funniest basketball-themed ads ever.