www.lowposts.com

Fox: Now, the first thing you’re gonna wanna do is get in tight with Adabesi.

Arenas: Who?

Fox: Adabesi. Big black Haitian dude. At least, I think he’s Haitian. Could be Jamaican..

Arenas: Huh.

Fox: Now he’s probably gonna try to rape ya. You just gotta roll with it.

Arenas: The hell does that mean?

(more…)

Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)

(Wizards Coach Flip Saunders meets with his new team in late-August training camp..)

Saunders: Alright fellas, I ain’t gonna pussyfoot around here. I am not a very good basketball coach.

Jamison: Uh… (more…)

The 2009 NBA-NCAA Challenge, Brought to you by Pepperidge Farm, first round matchup between three-seed Arizona & six-seed Texas here on Saturn. That certainly has a ring to it!

Get it? Get it?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT?

Seriously, I can’t hear if you get it or not. Reception on Saturn friggin’ sucks. (more…)

A free throw is unlike any other shot in basketball.  In the simplest sense, it’s just the player and the basket — a rare uncontested shot with no defenders in sight.  While most NBA players follow the same routine during those precious seconds at the stripe, such as dribbling a couple of times and taking a deep breath, some have created their own unique rituals.  Whether it’s about following a superstition or creating a signature style, here are some of the most interesting free throw routines in recent NBA history.

Karl Malone: The Mailman was notorious for taking his sweet ole time at the foul line.  After twirling the ball in his hands and taking a few dribbles, he’d talk to himself for several seconds before releasing the ball. While he never revealed what he was saying, it’s widely assumed that he was uttering some type of silent prayer for his family. It’s either that, or begging for a championship. Oh, who are we kidding — it’s obviously about little Mexican girls.

Jason Kidd: Kidd used to blow a kiss toward the basket before every foul shot, which was meant to show his wife and family know he’s thinking about them. But after he and his wife Jumana divorced, Kidd switched up that routine just a tad. See if you can spot the difference. I think it would’ve been cooler if he carried french fries in his shorts pocket and spit them out before shooting, but his is good, too.

Jeff Hornacek: Horny (something tells me he’s not a fan of that nickname) is one of the best foul shooters in NBA history, connecting at an 88% clip for his career. His routine consisted of taking a few dribbles and then rubbing his cheek with his right hand. It sounds a little dirty, but it was just his way of saying “hi” to his many, many Mormon children.  Oh, and Doug Christie used put his hand up in the air throughout the game for his wife, but that was just to avoid getting a beat-down.

Nick Van Exel: Instead of shooting the ball from the usual 15-feet, Van Exel would stand a couple of feel behind the foul line because he kept hitting the back rim with his shot (Tracy McGrady has also tried doing it). You can’t argue with the results, since Van Exel shot almost 80% from the stripe for his career.  But without a doubt, the two best free throws of his career came from the Spurs’ bench during his final NBA season.

Dirk Nowitzki: Dirk takes the crown for the most peculiar free throw ritual in the league. Nowitzki apparently hums David Hasselhoff’s “Looking For Freedom,” which was a big hit when he was growing up in Germany, when he’s at the charity stripe. I’ve always been partial to the “Baywatch” theme song myself, but I guess Dirk must be hooked on a feeling. All right, I won’t go any further with this.

Alonzo Mourning: Much like Malone, Zo would use up the full ten seconds when he was at the line (if not more), irritating opposing coaches who wanted him called for a violation. He’d take a few dribbles and fiddle with the ball, kiss his wristband, and then use it to wipe the sweat off his forehead before finally taking a shot.  I figure he would’ve been better off intimidating the ball to go in the basket with an assortment of angry scowls and bicep flexes, but what do I know?

Jerry Stackhouse: Stack bends his knees and gets lower than Busta Rhymes, practically sitting down into a baseball catcher’s squat at foul line.  My knees are hurting from just looking at this picture…let’s move on.

Mark Jackson: Jackson would put his right index finger to his mouth and then point his right hand toward the basket, almost like a follow through before the actual shot. He also stood off-center at the line and said he used the hand to help him aim. Considering that he was only a 77% career foul shooter — below average for a guard — I wouldn’t recommend going hunting with the guy…just a word of advice.

Anthony Mason: I’ll do my best to describe what went on when Mase stepped up to the line. He’d raise the ball from his waist to his head and awkwardly twist his knees and torso, before cradling the ball in his left palm and taking few seconds to release it.  And there’s some kind of weird hitch involved. With all of the effort Mason used to put into his routine, you’d think he’d be better than a 71% foul shooter…although we’re still waiting on Elias to determine if he’s the career leader in lane-violations drawn.

Quick Hits:

*Steve Smith and Steve Francis each touched their tattoos as tributes to their late mothers.
*Richard Hamilton dribbles the ball down and to his side several times before shooting.
*Gilbert Arenas spins the ball behind his back, but he loses points for purposely creating that routine for kids to imitate.
*Andrew Bogut high-fives himself — I only wish he’d do this more often.

The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of the NBA’s foremost advertiser of delicious Vitaminwater, Lebron James (do you have any in delicious dragonfruit flavor?). All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.

Today: The Washington Wizards.. (more…)

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)

I’ve been fascinated by afros ever since I was a little kid.   When I was growing up, I wanted a ‘fro more than anything in the world, and constantly begged my mother to let me get a perm for my wavy hair.  In hindsight, I’m glad she didn’t listen, because I could never pull of a cool-looking Jewfro (at least, not as well as “Fletch“).

To make up for the lack of awesome afros in the early ’90’s — the apparent peak of the flat top era — I frequented local sports card shows, searching for new, um, hair-raising items to add to my collection.  The ABA was the jackpot of amazing afros during the 1970’s.  Among my favorites were classic styles worn by the likes of Darnell Hillman and Julius Erving, the Chia Pet on the head of Randy Denton, and Michael Jackson’s “thriller.”  The unintentionally hilarious balding ‘fro would later find its way into the NBA, courtesy of World B. Free.

Thankfully, the late ’90’s and early 2000’s marked the triumphant return of the ‘fro, starting with Ben Wallace.  Big Ben was one of the first players to switch between the increasingly popular cornrows and afro hairstyles from game to game.  Although the trend never caught on as much as one would’ve liked, it game us a handful of memorable appearances, such as the ones below.

Ben Wallace

Shaun Livingston

Ricky Davis

Darius Miles

Moochie Norris

Ronny Turiaf

For a short time, several NBA superstars got into the act, popularizing the ‘baby afro’ look in the mid-2000’s.  It’s a shame that Gilbert Arenas may have kept his bushy hairstyle a little longer, had it not been for an unfortunate conditioning incident.  Even the usually plain-vanilla Tim Duncan busted out a fantastic mini-fro for the beginning 2004/05 season, before eventually going back to his patented bald look.

Kobe Bryant

Gilbert Arenas

Tim Duncan

Unfortunately, those hairstyles are long gone, and today’s NBA has a disturbing lack of hair creativity.  Ben Wallace’s ‘fro is tired, and it’s only a matter of time before he starts looking like the aforementioned World B. Free (sorry, I just can’t get enough of that photo).  I don’t know what Anderson Varejao, Robin Lopez, and Joakim Noah have going right now, but those are not afros.  They look more like Sideshow Bob or Corbin Bleu admirers than Dr. J fans.  To top if off, the only man who’s maintained a true ‘fro since coming into the league, Josh Childress, is now representing in Greece.  And it’ll be at least a year until we see Brandon Jennings’ old school flat top on the NBA hardwood.  We’re close to reaching a crisis stage here, people.  If David Stern needs to get involved here, I’m okay with that — whatever it takes.  Just bring back the ‘fro!

Josh Childress

Anderson Varejao

Robin Lopez