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Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.

Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’ALL DON’T KNOW!

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Unidentified Flying Humanoids!

(more…)

Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.

Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.

Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.

Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.

Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.

Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).

Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)

Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.

Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.

Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.

Quick Misses:

*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.

*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.

*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.

*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.

*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.

From early on his career, Kobe Bryant has tried to sound like Michael Jordan in his interviews, pump his fist in the same manner after hitting a big shot, and stick his tongue out as he drove to the basket. Hell, he’ll probably come back as number 46 after a year on the Dodgers’ AA affiliate. Although Bryant won’t ever match Jordan’s six championships, five MVPs, and 10 league scoring titles, his forth title cements him as the greatest “Air” apparent the NBA has seen to date, with LeBron James and Dwyane Wade trailing closely behind.

Over the last two decades, nearly a dozen players have been labeled as “the next Michael Jordan,” and predictably, very few have come close to living up to such high expectations. Whether it was luck, determination, or pure drive to be the best, Jordan was remarkably durable and consistent, playing in all 82 games in his final season at the age of 40. Here are some players who never materialized into the second coming of MJ, despite oftentimes having excellent NBA careers in their own right.

Harold Miner: Baby Jordan’s two Slam Dunk title are the only thing he has in common with MJ.  Following a stellar career at USC, Miner averaged nine points and 2.2 rebounds in 19 minutes per game over four in the NBA, failing to impress coaches with poor defense and shot selection. After being waived by Cleveland in 1996 (this beauty is a bargain), Miner retired from basketball and now lives in seclusion as a Las Vegas real estate investor. I wonder if he ever runs into Ed O’Bannon.

Isaiah Rider: After winning the 1994 Slam Dunk Contest as high-hopping rookie (pun intended), Rider clashed with coaches and scored four arrests, including assault for kicking a female bar manager. Appropriately traded to the Jail Blazers for super-scrub Bill Curley, he bounced around the league before being released by Denver in 2002.  Rider ultimately matched Jordan’s six titles with six post-NBA arrests, including charges of kidnapping and cocaine possession.

Jerry Stackhouse: A similarly-built 6′6″ prolific scorer out of North Carolina, Stack put up five 20-point seasons over the course of his career, but unlike Jordan, barely shot over 40% from the field and appeared in only 18 playoff games before settling for a reserve role in Dallas. His scoring sharply declined after knee surgery, limiting him to just 4.2 points in 10 games last season. Ever the fashion icon, Stack endorsed the ugliest Fila sneakers ever, and is credited for starting the infamous ballerina tights trend.

Anfernee Hardaway: Penny quickly emerged as a superstar in Orlando, all while his little puppet macked on Tyra Banks by the pool. But after four knee surgeries cost Hardaway much of his athleticism, he became an injury-riddled role player on Phoenix and eventually an afterthought on New York and Miami. Perhaps Penny’s career could’ve turned out differently with a little more luck, and I could’ve been rich for investing $30 in his Topps Finest rookie card.

Grant Hill: It’s easy to forget that as a Piston, Hill was once one of the best all-around athletes in the league, and had endorsement deals with Sprite, McDonald’s, and Fila.  After six seasons in Detroit, he helped the Pistons win a title in 2004 by netting them Ben Wallace in a sign-and-trade with Orlando. Hill missed 374 games over the next seven years, before discovering the benefits of HGH — excuse me, the Suns’ medical staff. He put up 12 points per game in the first 82-game season of his 14-year career.

Tracy McGrady: An all-around amazing athlete, T-Mac captured two scoring titles before back and knee injuries hampered the later stages of his career. But while Jordan made nine All-Defensive Teams, Sleepy’s been routinely exploited by opposing coaches for his lack of focus. And of course, since McGrady is synonymous with playoff failure, it was only fitting that Houston made it past the first round as he sat in street clothes, leading many to question whether the Rockets are a better team without him.

Vince Carter: Another 6′6″ Tar Heels alum, Carter quickly mesmerized fans and media with his ferocious windmill slams and hasn’t put up less than 20 points per game since his rookie season. And yet after demonstrating an embarrasing lack of effort in Toronto and allegedly giving away his team’s plays, he’s earned a reputation as a quitter and chronic underachiever who shies away from pressure. In fact, Vince is clutching his knee in agony after reading this paragraph.

Allen Iverson: We all remember the infamous crossover that shook the great one in his shoes. The ultimate volume shooter, Iverson racked up countless fines, suspensions, and off the court controversies that earned him a me-first reputation he further compounded by refusing to come off the bench last season (something Jordan accepted in Washington). Despite winning an MVP award and capturing four scoring titles, his teams made only one Finals appearance.  Maybe he should’ve practiced a little more.

Honorable Mention:

*Tamir Goodman: Remember the The Jewish Jordan? I didn’t either until a recent NBC piece revealed that he’s now playing in Israel for Maccabi Haifa, happily fulfilling his life dream after a few down years following his high school prominence. And once you get past the money, fame, and beautiful women, isn’t that all that matters? Yeah, I didn’t think so. But at least he’s doing better than Miner.

The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of a man cursed by puppets - Lebron James. All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.

Today:  The Phoenix Suns.. (more…)

(Amare Stoudemire is changing in the locker room before the Sixers game Monday night, when he’s approached by GM Steve Kerr..)

Kerr: Amare, you know we belong together. I have no time for you to be playing with my heart like this. You’ll be mine forever baby, you just see..

Stoudemire: The…fuck? (more…)

(Matt Carroll is sitting pleasantly in his Charlotte home with the lights off when the phone rings)

Carroll: Hello? Professional basketball player Matthew Carroll speaking.

Hill: Matthew, this is Grantland Henry Hill of the Phoenix (Arizona) Suns basketball team. But you can call me ‘Grant.’ (more…)

For a look at the worst trades of the McHale era, check out Part I of this three-part series.

As hard as it is to believe, no Kevin McHale transaction can compare to the Atlanta Hawks signing John Koncak (career averages: 4.5 points, 4.9 rebounds ) to a six-year, $13 million deal in 1989.  Sure, that doesn’t sound like a lot of money today, but at the time, it made him one of the highest paid players in the league.  Only in the NBA could Jon “Contract” be making more than Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird.  Say what you will about McHale, but he never overpaid a stiff and talentless white center.  Well, unless you count Mark Madsen, but he gets a pass for simply being awesome.  Narrowing down the list to the ten worst contracts of the McHale era (1995 - 2008) proved to be incredibly difficult, and some horrific moves from the likes of Billy King and Isiah Thomas failed to make the cut.  Let’s get to it.

1. Jim McIlvaine (5 years, $33.6 million), Seattle SuperSonics: After backing up Gheorge Muresan for two years in Washington, McIlvaine, fresh of a season in which he averaged 2.3 points, 2.9 rebounds, and 2.1 blocks per game, received a staggering contract offer from the Sonics. He responded with career-highs of 3.8 points and 4.0 rebounds the following season, and then declined statistically for the next four years while battling injuries. More importantly, the signing angered superstar Shawn Kemp, who had asked for an extension after leading Seattle to the NBA Finals.  Can you really blame him when Jim McIlvaine was making more money?  The locker room rift caused Seattle to trade Kemp to Cleveland for Vin “Hiccup” Baker (more on him later), where the former ‘Reign Man’ took his frustration out on defenseless pastries (and all the single ladies). The Sonics were never able to fully recover, and ended up moving to Oklahoma City this season…it’s all McIlvaine’s fault, Seattle fans.

2. Travis Knight (7 years, $22 million), Boston Celtics:  Ah, one of Rick Pitino’s finest moves as the Celtics GM was there when Travis Knight walked through that door. Apparently, 4.8 points, 4.5 rebounds, and being 7′0″ tall, was enough to hand Knight a ridiculous seven-year contract in 1997.  He was traded back to Los Angeles after one mediocre season in Boston, and fittingly spent his final three years in bad contract heaven, New York.  He finished his career with averages of 3.4 points and 3.1 rebounds, though he does hold the NBA playoff record for quickest disqualification…seriously, he does.

3. Bryant Reeves (6 years, $61.8 million), Vancouver Grizzlies: Wait a minute — another goofy white guy getting crazy money for no discernible reason?  I’m sensing a theme here. “Big Country” put up respectable numbers in his first two seasons (a few more blocks would be nice from a seven-footer, but hey), and the Grizz decided he was in line for a huge extension.  Reeves had his best statistical season in 1997, before discovering the local buffet specials.  He reported to training camp 40 pounds (!) overweight prior to the 1998 season, and shockingly developed back problems.  His team-eating contract made him impossible to trade, and devoured much of Vancouver’s limited cap space. He retired during the 2001/02 season after being unable to fit into his warm-ups.

4.  Tariq Abdul-Wahad (6 years, $43 million), Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets rewarded Abdul-Wahad, who played all of 15 games for the team after being acquired from Orlando, with an extension prior the start of the 2000/01 season.  He averaged four points in 29 games the following season, and was then traded to the Mavericks.  So what did Mr. Abdul-Wahad do in Dallas?  He put up 3.2 points in 18 games over two seasons, and hasn’t even put a uniform since 2003.  The Mavs paid him — you might want to sit down for this — $24.75 million for those valuable services through 2007.

5. Allan Houston (6 years, $100 million), New York Knicks: Although Houston’s deal is slightly more justifiable than some of the ones above, any player who gets a rule named after his awful contract belongs high on the list.  And besides, the effect on the already dreadful Knicks’ cap situation can’t be overstated.  In 2001, GM Scott Layden inexplicably handed him a maximum extension through the 2006/07 season, when Houston would be 35.  He’d play one full season and parts of the next two, before retiring due to a chronic knee condition (he’d also fail at two subsequent comebacks).  Houston’s $19-million per year salary was among the highest in the league in 2005/06 — when he didn’t play a single game.  In fact, he “earned” nearly $40 million for barely stepping on the court.  Speaking of which…

6.  Jerome James (5 years, $30 million), New York Knicks: As we’ve seen, NBA GMs have overpaid for size above skill on numerous occasions (several more are listed in the dishonorable mentions below), but few can top the curious case of Jerome James.  After averaging 5 points and 3 rebounds during the regular season, James exploded for 13 points and 7 rebounds in 11 games in the playoffs.  Every blogger in the world joked that Isiah Thomas would be dumb enough to sign him…and, of course, he did.  James put up 3 points and 2 rebounds in 44 games the following year, and has actually regressed since then.  He played a total of 5 minutes in two games during the 2007-08 season, making his only field goal attempt and two free throws, which gave him the best field goal and free throw percentage the entire league. So, there’s that.

7.  Juwan Howard (7 years, $105 million), Washington Bullets: Howard earned his first All-Star berth in 1996, and signed a $101-million contract with the Miami Heat.  Unfortunately (for Washington), that deal violated salary cap rules and was disallowed by the NBA.  So, the Bullets — bidding against no one — decided to make Howard, the first $100-million-man in NBA history.  He averaged a semi-respectable 18 points and 8 rebounds in five seasons in DC, but was booed mercilessly for never living up to expectations of being one of the league’s highest-paid players, and tied up much of the team’s cap space.  In one of Michael Jordan’s best moves as GM (no sarcasm!), he was traded to Dallas for Christian Laettner and the poo poo platter with three years left on his deal.  Howard would finish out the last two seasons in Denver, before bouncing around more area codes than Ludacris.

8.  Howard Eisley (7 years, $41 million), Utah Jazz: I’m not sure how being a mediocre, 28-year-old backup point guard equates to $41 million of guaranteed money, but I guess that’s why I’m not an NBA GM.  Eisley was signed by Utah and traded to the Mavericks prior to the 2000 season. After one season in Dallas, he was dealt to the one team that would agree to take back his cap-killing contract.  Any guesses?  Yep, New York, where Eisley averaged 7 points and 4 assists for the duration of his deal. At least they didn’t sign a one-dimensional shooting guard to a nine-figure extension around the same time — oh, right.

9.  Vin Baker (6 years, $86.7 million), Seattle SuperSonics: Baker put in a career season with Milwaukee in 1997, and was acquired by Seattle in a sign-and-trade for Kemp. He played well in his first year as a Sonic (19 points, 8 rebounds), before packing on the pounds — reportedly ballooning up to 300 lbs — and getting his Goose on during the NBA lockout.  Baker’s alcoholism ruined his career and turned him into the league’s biggest disappointment and running joke. He was traded to the Boston Celtics (for Kenny Anderson and Vitaly Potapenko), and entered into the alcohol treatment program. Boston ended up terminating his contract after Coach Jim O’Brien smelled alcohol on his breath during practice.  I’m taking it easy on the drunk jokes here, because I really do feel kinda bad for the guy…especially now that his house and restaurant have been foreclosed.

10.  Raef LaFrentz (7 years, $70 million), Dallas Mavericks: LaFrentz averaged 13 points and 7 rebounds over his first four seasons with Denver.  And then Mark Cuban gave him an enormous extension after acquiring him midway through the 2001/02 season in the same trade as Abdul-Wahad (good one, Cubes!).  LaFrentz didn’t fit in well with Don Nelson’s system, and his statistics declined across the board the following year.  He’s become more known for his salary than on-the-court contributions, getting shipped to Boston and then Portland strictly as cap filler.  LaFrentz has appeared in 65 games over the last three seasons combined (zero games in 2008/09), and is currently in the final year of that same contract — he’s entitled to $12.7 million for warming the Blazers bench.  What a life.

Dishonorable Mention (by total contract value):  How sad is it that none of these contracts — especially Cardinal and Foyle — can crack the top-10 worst of the last 13 years?

The NBA: Where Amazingly Bad Contracts Happen!

*Rashard Lewis (6 years, $110 million), Magic
*Grant Hill (7 years, $93 million), Magic
*Kenyon Martin (7 years, $91 million), Nuggets
*Penny Hardaway (7 years, $84 million), Suns
*Brian Grant (7 years, $84 million), Heat
*Erick Dampier (7 years, $73 million), Mavs
*Tim Thomas (6 years, $67 million), Bucks
*Austin Croshere (7 years, $51 million), Pacers
*Adonal Foyle (6 years, $42 million), Warriors
*Brian Cardinal (6 years, $37 million), Grizzlies
*Todd MacCulloch (6 year, $34 million), Nets
*Calvin Booth (6 years, $34 million), Sonics
*Vitaly Potapenko (6 year, $33 million), Celtics

It’s hard to believe that Kevin McHale lasted 13 seasons as the Minnesota Timberwolves’ Vice President of Basketball Operations.  Often regarded as the NBA’s worst GM this side of Isiah Thomas, he made countless terrible decisions that cost his team dearly (most notably perhaps, the infamous Joe Smith fiasco).  But we here at lowposts.com don’t kick people when they’re down — and after all, he was named the best general manager in all of sports by Forbes last season.  In honor of McHale’s firing — excuse me, “stepping down” — let’s take a look at the worst moves of his era…by other GMs.  Part I will focus on trades, and subsequent parts will explore free agent signings and draft picks.

1. Dallas Mavericks trade the draft rights to Robert “Tractor” Traylor to the Milwaukee Bucks for the rights to Dirk Nowitzki and the rights to Pat Garrity.

Yeah…that sure worked out well for the Bucks. Dirk went on to become a perennial All-Star and the first European MVP award winner, while Traylor would lead the league in Big Macs chomped per minute and tax evasion schemes. It should also be noted that the Mavs immidiately flipped the rights to Garrity — along with Martin Muursepp, Bubba Wells, and a future first round draft pick — to the Suns for Steve Nash. As horrible as that looks on paper, Phoenix made out better than exepected. The Suns selected Shawn Marion with the pick, and later brought a supposedly over-the-hill Nash back to the desert for his two MVP seasons.

2. Toronto Raptors trade Vince Carter to the New Jersey Nets for Eric Williams, Aaron Williams, Alonzo Mourning and two 1st round draft picks.

Since Alonzo “Phantom Raptor” Mourning refused to even make the trip to Canada, Toronto gave away Carter for just about nothing…unless you count Joey Graham, who was selected with one of those acquired draft picks (the other one was traded to New York). Sure, Carter wanted out and made his displeasure very obvious, but couldn’t the Raptors get a little more for a perennial All-Star? Like, I don’t know, some home-cooked food and clean drawers?

3. Chicago Bulls trade Eddy Curry and Antonio Davis to the New York Knicks for Tim Thomas, Michael Sweetney, Jermaine Jackson, and two future first round picks.

Let’s see — one the one hand, we have a one-dimensional, overpriced, overweight player who can’t grab a rebound and has a career-threatening heart condition. One the other, we have Tim Thomas, who played three games for the Bulls, and Jermaine Jackson who was cut. At least those draft picks didn’t amount to anything worthwhile — just LaMarcus Aldridge(#2 in 2006) and Joakim Noah (#9 in 2007). Impressive fleece job by Zeke, no?

4. Washington Wizards trade Kwame Brown and Laron Profit to the Los Angeles Lakers for Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins.

Remember that this trade comes on the heels of the widely-criticized Shaquille O’Neal trade, in which the Lakers acquired Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant, and a first round pick for the big man.  Yet, while Shaq led Miami to a title in his second season, his skills sharply declined and he would be later moved for Shawn Marion; plus, that draft pick was used on the promising Jordan Farmar.  But Kwame for Caron Butler? The Lakers really wish they could have a mulligan on that one, since “Birthday Cake” Brown would shockingly fail to impress Phil Jackson with his toughness, while Butler blossomed into one of the top forwards in the league with the Wiz.

5.  Charlotte Hornets trade the draft rights to Kobe Bryant to the Los Angeles Lakers for Vlade Divac.

At the end of the day, it’s a bad trade when you consider that Kobe would become one of the best players in the world and team up with Shaq to win three championships in Los Angeles. But if you’re wondering why this deal isn’t ranked higher, let’s remember a few key components. Kobe was expected to be a top-five pick, until he refused to workout for any teams except the Knicks and Lakers.  He even insisted that he’d play in Europe if another team were to take him — he’s grown so much since those days.   The Hornets selected him at number 13 overall, and ended up with an All-Star caliber center in Divac, who helped Charlotte reach the postseason in both of his seasons on the team.   Oh, and isn’t it fun to watch Kobe squirm uncomfortably in his Hornets cap on draft night?

6.  New Orleans Hornets send Baron Davis to the Golden State Warriors for Speedy Claxton and Dale Davis.

Read those names again, and please tell me what the Hornets were thinking here.  It’s not like Davis was an All-Star and All-NBA team member or anything (what, you mean, he was???).  Okay, so he missed a few games games and didn’t get along with Byron Scott, but that’s the best they could do?  Not-so-speedy Claxton would play 87 games over two seasons, and 35-year-old Dale Davis contributed a whopping 3.1 points in just 35 appearances.  Baron Davis, meanwhile, helped revitalize a struggling Warriors franchise, shattered Andrei Kirilenko’s confidence, and brought more of the beautiful Ms. Alba into our lives.

7.  Houston Rockets trade Richard Jefferson, Jason Collins, and Brandon Armstrong to the New Jersey Nets for Eddie Griffin.

A lot of critics felt the Nets were making a huge mistake by trading Griffin, who appeared to have an unprecedented skillset.  And yet, Jefferson and Collins were starters on back-to-back Nets Finals teams, while Griffin (RIP) never came close to realizing his full potential…well, except for that time in his SUV.

8. Washington Wizards trade Chris Webber to the Sacramento Kings for Mitch Richmond and Otis Thorpe.

The Wizards took a huge step backwards by dealing Webber in his prime for Richmond, who was entering the downside for his career.  Although Webber missed a lot of games with a dislocated shoulder, and had off the court troubles with the law in DC, he would transform the laughing stock Kings into an instant title contender.  The Wizards, captained by Richmond, Rod Strickland, and Juwan Howard, would fail to win more than 29 games in three seasons, before Michael Jordan mercifully relinquished his title of Director of Basketball Operations and destroyed his knees on the court.

9. Memphis Grizzlies trade Pau Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers for Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittendon, Marc Gasol, Aaron McKie’s corpse, and two future 1st round draft picks (2008 and 2010).

Call me crazy, but I don’t think this trade is as bad as everyone has made it out to be.  Yes, the Grizz could’ve gotten more, and Pau channeled his inner Vince Carter and started trying again in Los Angeles.  But the Grizzlies didn’t win a single playoff game during the Gasol era, and decided to rebuild: Brown’s expiring contract came off the books, Marc Gasol has played very well in his first season, and the 2008 pick turned out to be Donte Greene, who was shipped to the Rockets for Darrell Arthur and a 2009 second-rounder.  Plus, they have another 1st rounder next season.  Wait, did I just compliment Chris Wallace??

10. Minnesota Timberwolves trade Sam Cassell and a future first round draft pick for Marko Jaric

I know, I said no McHale trades, but come on! He made this deal right after the Wolves finally broke through and reached the Western Conference Finals, and then signed Jaric to a cap-killing five-year, $37 million extension. Plus, he refused to feed Latrell Sprewell’s family!

Dishonorable Mention:

*Detroit Pistons trade Grant Hill to the Orlando Magic for Ben Wallace and Chucky Atkins.

*Atlanta Hawks trade Rasheed Wallace to the Detroit Pistons for Bob Sura, Zeljko Rebraca, and a lottery-protected first round pick (Mil).

*Boston Celtics trade Joe Johnson, Randy Brown, Milt Palacio and a first round pick to the Phoenix Suns for Rodney Rodgers and Tony Delk.

It’s easy to understand why athletes choose to date famous celebrities.  The simple answer is because, well, they can.  These women understand their lifestyle, aren’t after money, and of course, are very attractive.  But does it ever work out well for both sides, with difficult travel schedules and no shortage of groupies on the road?  Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe divorced within a year due to the singer’s promiscuous ways; Mike Tyson made Robin Givens’ life a “living hell;” and Andre Rison would still have a house if he never met Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez.  Let’s see how NBA stars have fared over the years.  Without further adieu, here are the top 10 player-celebrity relationships, plus a few bonus extras to ponder.

1. Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra/Madonna:  Rodman dated the equally freaky Madonna in the early ’90’s, and supposedly ended that relationship because he didn’t want to be known as her “boy toy.”  In 1998, “The Worm” married Electra, the former Playboy model and Baywatch star, after dating her for six months. Nine days after the wedding, Rodman filed for an annulment, claiming that he was tricked into marriage, and had been of an “unsound mind” at the time. Somehow, this didn’t carry much weight coming from a man who dyed his hair every color of the rainbow, tattooed and pierced his entire body, and of course, married himself in full makeup and a wedding dress. While Rodman later rescinded the request, Electra then filed for divorce. The two were arrested on domestic violence charges the following year.

2. Chris Webber & Tyra Banks: The enigmatic Kings forward dated the supermodel/actress/talk show host for three years in the early 2000’s.  Both parties denied they were ever engaged, and Banks later admitted their respective careers kept them apart. An irate, shirtless Webber unleashed a classic, expletive-filled rant in the Kings locker room, after being repeatedly asked about the relationship by the Sacramento media (a short sample can be found at the 2:30 mark here).

3. Quentin Richardson/Kobe Bryant & Brandy: Does this make Brandy the Alyssa Milano of the NBA? Kobe briefly dated the Moesha star in 1998, and famously took her to his high school prom. Richardson and Brandy were engaged in July 2004, but split up in October of the following year, allegedly due to Q-Rich’s infidelity. The singer ended up transforming her back tattoo of Richardson’s face into a cat. So, yes, Knicks fans, Brandy literally turned Q-Rich into a pussy.

4. Steve Nash and Geri Halliwell/Elizabeth Hurley: Nash was reportedly dating Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell in 2000, though he insisted she was just a friend. He later upgraded to Elizabeth Hurley, and while Nash would once again decline to comment, his agent confirmed the relationship (seriously). He’s now married with twins, but (false?) rumors of an affair with Nelly Furtado flared up when the singer name-dropped him on her hit song, “Promiscuous:” Is that the truth or are you talkin’ trash? / Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?

5. Rick Fox & Vanessa Williams: The former Laker married “Miss America” in 1999…and then blew it. In 2004, The National Enquirer published photos of Fox kissing another woman at a bar, and Williams ended up filing for divorce later that year. No truth to the rumor that he pleaded, “I’m bad, but not as bad as Eric Benet!” Oh, and Doug Christie, of all people, beat him down in 2002…yes, I had to throw that in there.

6. A.C. Green & Jenna Jameson: In the spring of 1997, the NBA ironman and long-time opponent of premarital sex, met porn queen Jenna Jameson at a downtown Los Angeles nightclub and secretly broke his vow of abstinence.  Green paid the media thousands of dollars to keep the forbidden romance under wraps.  Okay, okay…so this never happened. But admit it, I had you going there.  We won’t count this one.

6.  Jason Kidd/Jim Jackson & Toni Braxton: Ranked lower only because Braxton won’t “kiss and tell,” and Kidd and Jackson deny there was ever a love triangle.  The “Three J’s” of mid-90’s Dallas Mavericks didn’t last three years, apparently because Kidd felt Jackson was a selfish player.  But the juicier story is that the R&B singer was dating Kidd, and came to the Mavs’ hotel to pick him up one evening…but ended up leaving with Jackson instead.  When Braxton didn’t unbreak his heart, Kidd demanded a trade, and was soon shipped to the Phoenix Suns.

7. Tony Parker & Eva Longoria: The San Antonio Spurs guard left his longtime girlfriend for the stunning “Desperate Housewife” in 2005.  The pair wed two years later, in spite of numerous breakup rumors, as well as a model’s false claims that Parker was cheating.  According to Longoria, “when the lights are out, he’s the teacher and I’m the student,” making Tony the envy of men everywhere…well, if only he weren’t French.

8. Carmelo Anthony and LaLa Vasquez Melo proposed to the MTV VJ on Christmas 2004, and it’s good to see that engagement and a child have turned him into a better man. Since that time, he’s been cited for marijuana possession, suspended for fighting during the Knicks-Nuggets brawl in 2006, and most recently arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and suspended for two games by the team. But LaLa will straighten him out yet…you just wait.

9. Grant Hill & Tamia: A token “nice guy,” Hill married Tamia in 1999, and their relationship has been predictably stable and scandal-free. In fact, the pair was recently featured on Oprah’s “greatest love stories” episode after supporting each other’s careers and dealing with personal issues for almost a decade….not that I watched it or anything. Useless fact: they were introduced by R&B singer Anita Baker.

10. Kenyon Martin & Trina: Let’s see if we can get all of these facts straight.  Kenyon Martin is married, but his wife supposedly gave him a cellphone just for his groupies. In the meantime, rapper Trina has introduced Martin as her boyfriend at parties, and helped plan his 30th birthday party. Just a few months ago, Martin and Trina were involved in a minor traffic accident in Belize, when they were on their way to a “peace rally.” Yep…there’s no way this can end badly.

Honorable Mention:

*Karrine “Superhead” Steffans & the entire NBA…and NFL, MLB, NFL, Nascar circuit, Screen Actors Guild, music industry, your local Pep Boys, and so on.

*Dwyane Wade & Star Jones/Gabrielle Union:  Wade has sworn the Star Jones stuff isn’t true and he’s insists they’re only friends (let’s hope).   Rumor has it, he filed for divorce from his wife of five years, and has recently been spotted with actress Gabrielle Union (who may have also dated Jason Kidd).

*Baron Davis & Lauren London:  Another case of unconfirmed rumors…in addition to Davis, the actress/video vixen has been linked to rappers Lil’ Wayne and T.I., as well as R&B singer Cassie (!).

*Marko Jaric & Adriana Lima: Yes, she’s famous and beautiful, but which NBA player hasn’t slept with a supermodel? Isn’t that a contractual provision of some sort?