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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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And today, I pick on a high school kid.

Bob Ryan hasn’t written anything for Lowposts in nearly two months. Partly because basketball season is over and partly because his face exploded and partly because he’s now stuck in that “Take On Me” music video.. (more…)

Didja miss us?

Our servers attempted suicide on Friday, but they blamed it on their daughter and everything’s fine now. More chicanery to come..

Since you can never get enough of LowPosts on your computer screen, check out our my second appearance on The Phoenix Pub podcast with First Derivative and James Brown.  Yep, ebooker and FEAST flaked as always.  Among the topics we discussed on the show, which can be found in the sidebar (Episode 7), as well downloaded on iTunes:

• Michael Beasley’s horrific tattoo and the curious timing of his “rehab”
• Could Allen Iverson become the Brett Favre of the NBA?
• Are the Denver Nuggets for real and is it really possible to get enough of watching the Birdman fly? (That was a rhetorical question, of course.)
• My uncomfortable man crush on Ricky Rubio…
• Taking bets on the disaster Isiah Thomas will inflict on Florida International
• Stephen Jackson’s trade request and the roots of his ever-growing insanity
• Five good minutes on the good guys of the NBA, including Tim James and Kevin Martin.

There’s a thin line between being a tough, aggressive defender and playing dirty. Oftentimes, an accused player’s teammates and fans will defend his actions, while opposing coaches decry them as inexcusable and thuggish. Although today’s NBA is considerably less dirty as a result of crackdowns on overly physical play (and shady referees), there are still a quite a few players who love to sneak in a timely push or jab to the stomach. Here are some of the worst offenders in recent NBA history.

1. Bruce Bowen: Spurs fans will insist that Bowen is only playing rough, hard-nosed defense and isn’t intentionally trying to injure other players.  Why don’t we just let the video evidence of Mr. Bowen’s ‘tricks’ speak for itself. Stick your foot underneath a descending jump shooter? Check. Knee a player in the groin? Check. Kick the defender in the face?  Check and check. But of course, much like his other Spurs teammates, Bowen insists he’s never committed a foul in his life.

2. Karl Malone: The All-Defensive Team selections aren’t fooling anyone — Malone was a legendary cheap short artist. In fact, his elbow has as many career highlights as the Mailman himself, including ending a player’s college career by destroying his face, causing Isiah Thomas to get 40 stitches on his forehead, knocking David Robinson unconscious for two minutes, breaking Joe Kleine’s nose, and being Steve Nash’s dentist.  And then there are those “accidental” kicks to the man region…

3. Bill Laimbeer: The “Bad Boy” Pistons of the late ’80’s were collectively known for their aggressive style of defense, and Laimbeer was the enforcer, angering his opponents with constants pokes, slaps, and shoves in the back. After a vicious take down of Larry Bird in the playoffs, Robert Parish retaliated by punching Laimbeer in the face…and wasn’t even ejected! In an unforeseen turn of events, Laimbeer’s Detroit Shock team instigated the first brawl in WNBA histroy last season.

4. John Stockton: Malone’s partner in crime, the NBA’s all-time leader in assists and steals also set the most illegal screens in NBA history, routintely getting away with all kinds of low blows when the referees weren’t looking. Stockton was known for excessive holding, delivering hard elbows to the ribs, and pulling a defender down after a shot. Thankfully, his patented short shorts left no room for Stockton to hide a shiv.

5. Dennis Rodman: Remembered more for his craziest antics, Rodman had more subtle tactics to get into players’ heads. He’d pull on shorts, sneak in grabs and pushes, and extend his foot to trip a player running down the court. Rodman was once named the NBA’s dirtiest player in a poll of NBA players, coaches and execs, leading the commissioner to order The Worm to change his physical playing style. Too bad Stern never asked him to stop shopping at Victoria’s Secret.

6. Kobe Bryant: While Laker fans continue to insist it’s the defenders who keep attacking Kobe’s elbow with their faces, the whack to Ron Artest’s throat in the playoffs was hardly new territory. Over the last few years, Kobe’s been suspended for similarly elbowing Mike Miller and striking Manu Ginobili and Marco Jaric on his “extended follow through,” and earned a flagrant one for hitting Kyle Korver in the jaw. Apparently, the Black Mamba has a preference for white meat.

7. Rick Mahorn: When Mahorn and teammate Jeff Ruland, collectively known as McFilthy and McNasty, were on the Washington Bullets, players driving down the lane would finish layups on their backs. Mahorn later perfected a dirty defensive maneuver where he’d wait for a player to post him up, and then step away while tugging on the player’s jersey to make him fall down on the court. And of course, he showed Lisa Leslie how to fight Detroit-style last summer.

8. Charles Oakley: Michael Jordan’s personal bodyguard in Chicago, the Oak-man later enforced the Knicks’ “no easy layups” mentality with means picks, sharp elbows, and occasional punches. A rough physical presence, he always fouled hard, and wasn’t afraid to slap the likes of Jeff McInnis, Tyrone Hill, and even Shaquille O’Neal. Oakley was so ruthless that he’ll undoubtedly throw those ‘bows at the retirement home.

9. Reggie Evans: For all we know, it was an isolated incident (unless you count spanking Kyle Korver on the butt), but if there’s one rule on the basketball court, it’s never grab another guy’s testicles. Unfortunately, Evans did just that to gain a positional advantage during the 2006 playoffs, violating an unsuspecting Chris Kaman by putting his hand up his shorts and “pulling hard.” We still haven’t received word on whether it was the beans or the frank.

10. Robert Horry: Intentional or not, the biggest shot of Horry’s storied career came in the closing moments of Game 4 of the 2007 Western Conference Finals, when Horry mistook Steve Nash for Martin St. Louis and body-checked him into the scorers’ table, leading to suspensions for two Suns starters. The sequel came in 2008, when “Cheap Shot Bob” forced David West out of the game by blindsiding him in the back on a moving pick.

Quick (But Painful) Hits:

*Dikembe Mutombo: More clumsy than dirty, Deke’s teammates made him wear elbow pads in practice for their own protection.

*Isiah Thomas: Zeke didn’t just do the Knicks dirty — he subtly stepped on players’ feet when they dribbled the ball.

*Kenyon Martin: Notorious for vicious flagrants earlier in his career, K-Mart also has quite the dirty mouth!

*Charles Barkley: Never known for being much of a defender, Barkely used his elbows to his advantage on the court, and especially at the buffet line.

*Xavier McDaniel: Players knew not to mess with the X-Man — Al Bundy found out the hard way.

*Danny Fortson: the poor man’s Bill Laimbeer (not a compliment), Fortson did little on the court besides push, shove, and elbow — while sporting some mean pigtails.

*James Posey: Not afraid to deliver a blindsider and shoulder-block players when they’re least suspecting it.

*Raja Bell: Here at lowposts, we’ve got nothing but love for you, Raja.

*Peja Stojakovic: Whoops, we’re not talking about that kind of dirty…

We’ve previously looked at one side of the unique connection between rap and basketball — NBA players who’ve tried to (unsuccessfully) release rap albums.   A much more common phenomenon in today’s hip-hop/hoops era finds rappers mentioning basketball players in their lyrics.  In fact, it’s almost impossible to listen to a rap album and not hear a musician compare himself or his counterparts to his favorite players, usually with something lame like, “I’m number one like Tracy McGrady.”  There were probably more clichéd references to Shaq missing free throws in the mid-’90’s than, well, the actual number of missed free throws by the big man.  While Michael Jordan, LeBron James, and Allen Iverson, to name a few, have been name-dropped hundreds of times (according to Slam, Jordan has been acknowledged over 150 times himself), here are some of the more original and memorable rap lyrics that mention NBA stars.

Clyde, Rick Barry, and Pistol Pete,
Now these players, could never be beat,
Isiah, and Iceman too,
Just give ‘em the ball, and then you talk up too,
Dantley and Wilkins are on the scene,
And Ralph Sampson is really mean,
Bill Russell didn’t take no junk,
And Darryl Dawkins got a monster dunk

– Kurtis Blow “Basketball” (1984)

A hip-hop pioneer and a knowledgeable NBA fan, Kurtis Blow referred to dozens of other NBA superstars such as Julius Erving, Wilt Chamberlain, and Magic Johnson in his hit single. While the lyrics and video are badly outdated — not to mention that Blow is a dead-ringer for Dave Chappelle’s Prince — the song was monumental in establishing an early connection between rap and basketball. It’s since been used in commercials, including the Lil’ Penny ads, and was unfortunately remade by Lil’ Bow Wow in 2002 . Let’s just pretend that never happened.

Max mostly, undivided, then slide in, sickenin’
Guaranteed, made em jump like Rod Strickland

– Wu-Tang Clan “Triumph” (1997)

I have no idea why rappers love Strickland so much. Not only is he also mentioned on “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing Ta F’ With,” but his name appears on Pharoahe Monch’s “Official,” (”I walk the earth with my Rod in this Strick-land”), DMX’s “Sincerity” (”straight to the hole, like Rod Strickland”), and Method Man’s “Evil Streets” (”then the plot thickens, on point like Rod Strickland”). Is it just because his name is so easy to rhyme?  It’s too bad that Strick’s propensity to puke hot dogs during Wizards games (I actually saw this live once) never made it into a song.

“Who slam harder? Onyx or Vince Carter? (ONYX!)” – Onyx, “Slam Harder” (2002)

Carter’s name is found on countless rap songs, including the chorus of this commercial single. The funny thing is that by 2002, Vince wasn’t really slamming anymore, sitting out with a knee injury and eventually declaring that he “[didn't] want to dunk anymore.” “Slam Harder” was supposed to be Onyx’s comeback anthem, a follow-up to their 1993 hit “Slam,” but never translated into good album sales. The lesson here, as Raptors fans will be quick to tell you, is don’t rely on Vince Carter for anything.

Worry, I’m not Mike Jordan, of the mic recordin’
Hovi, baby, you Kobe, maybe Tracy McGrady
Matter fact, you Harold Miner, J.R. Rider, washed up on marijuana
Even worse you a Pervis Ellis, you worthless, fella
You ain’t no athlete, you Shawn Bradley

– Jay-Z “Pump It Up [Remix]” (2003)

Jay-Z is no stranger to NBA similes, foreshadowing his own comeback on “Encore,” (”come back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5“), and likening his competitors to Sam Bowie on “Hola Hovito.”  His verse on the remix of Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up” prompted rumors of a feud between the two rappers. If Jay-Z was really battling Budden, himself no stranger to “NBA” allusions, then throwing in four of the biggest busts in league history (including, quite fittingly, Baby Jordan) in a four-bar span was a knock-out punch.

During last season’s playoffs, a war of words between DeShawn Stevenson and LeBron James, who compared the Wizards guard to rapper Soulja Boy, led Jay-Z back in the booth.  The part owner of the New Jersey Nets recorded a Stevenson diss track, “Blow the Whistle,” and is currently working on a new record for LeBron, “To Live and Die in NJ,” to be released in the summer of 2010.

And y’all scared, I can tell / that Im’a get Bucks like Milwaukee, cause like Sam, I Cassell.  – Jadakiss, Put Ya Hands Up (2001)

It’s interesting to hear Cassell’s name pop up so often, since like Strickland, he was never a star player. He’s renowned for being clutch and looking like an alien, both of which are prominently covered by rappers: Drag-On (”And keep a guard wit ya that shoot, like Sam Cassell”); Cassidy (”And if I don’t sell, and plans should fail, man it’d get ugly like Sam Cassell”); and Redman (”Call me the Sam Cassell, shots two minute on the clock, cops know the SL handle well”). I only have one request — can someone make a testicle dance video before Sam retires?

“I’m just Kidd-in’ like Jason.” — Nelly, “Hot in Herre” (2002)

Nelly made a quick (and not particularly witty) play on words using Jason Kidd’s name on his biggest hit. Seriously though, Nelly, is that the best you could do, considering all we know about the husband of the year? How about, “I spit rhymes like J-Kidd spits french fries?” Yeah, this is probably why I’m not a rapper.

Quick Hits:

Snoop Dogg, Hoop Dreams (1999): Snoop imagines playing point guard for the Lakers and even makes a couple of transactions: “And we traded for a few players, some Pacers, Miller and Mullin, and now they Lakers.” Maybe the Clippers should consider hiring him instead of Isiah for that executive position?

Jay-Z, “La, La, La (Excuse Me Again)” (2004): “And I’m the Franchise like the Houston Rockets…” Just imagine Steve Francis’ excitement here, right before Jay finishes the line with, “…Yao Ming!”  Burn!

Wu-Tang Clan, “Starter” (2007):  “You’s starter, like Candace Parker, take flight like Skywalker, might wolf it on ya father.”  The whole first verse is about Candace Parker, and believe me, it only gets worse from here.

Wu-Tang Clan, “Soul in the Hole” (1999): “Sore losers take off they jersey, cause they ain’t James Worthy.”

Public Enemy, “Rebel Without a Pause” (1988): “I’ll throw it down your throat like Barkley.”

The Roots, “Ain’t Sayin’ Nothing New” (1999):  “I just back-slap that ass like Shaq did Ostertag.”

Nas, “These Are Our Heroes” (2004): “From OJ to Kobe, uh let’s call him Tobe … Yo, you can’t do better than that? The hotel clerk who adjusts the bathroom mat?”

Nelly Furtado: “Promiscuous,” (2006): “Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?”  It’s not rap, but it features and is produced by Timbaland.

Gnarls Barkley: the group name; Cee-Lo was a rapper in his former life.

Styles P, “Good Times (I Get High)” (2005): No rap references in the lyrics, but, um, is that Jalen Rose DJing at the 2:41 and 3:06 marks??

The only rapper who’s come close to playing in the NBA is Percy “Master P” Miller — hard as it is to believe now — who was on the preseason rosters of the Charlotte Hornets in 1998 and the Toronto Raptors in 1999.  Although he never appeared in a regular season game, he put out a mixtape in honor of his achivements.  Maybe one day, his son, Lil’ Romeo, a rap artist in his early teens who currently plays for USC will become the first true rapper-turned-baller. (Checks Romeo Miller’s stats).  Maybe not.

There wasn’t supposed to be a fourth part in this series, but Kevin McHale wasn’t supposed to become one of the league’s best coaches.  Sure, he had a successful stint at the end of the 2004/05 season (19-12), but that team was a year removed from a conference finals appearance.  The 2008/09 Timberwolves were 4-15 before McHale took over, and have gone 13-19 ever since.  Remarkably, at one point in January, Minnesota was one of the hottest teams in the league, winning 10 out of 12 games. Maybe the Knicks should’ve just let Isiah coach — oh, right. While it’s too soon to tell if McHale’s poor performance as a GM was at least partly due to the team’s coaches (I wonder who’s in charge of hiring those guys?), he won’t find himself on this list anytime soon. Here are the worst coaches of the McHale era (1995-2008), ranked based on record, decision-making, and expectations.

1. Tim Floyd (93-231, .287): Perhaps not even Phil Jackson could muster more than 13 wins out of the 1998/99 Bulls featuring the likes of Rusty LaRue, Kornell David, and Dickey Simpkins (Basketball Reference insists these are real NBA players). But the Elton Brand and Ron Artest-led team went 17-65 the following season, and then regressed to only 15 wins the year after. Floyd mercifully resigned after a 4-21 start in 2001/02; he was subsequently fired after a 41-41 campaign with the 2003/04 Hornets. Fun facts: he was playfully known as “Pink” Floyd by the Chicago media, and once lashed out at being called “Jerry [Krause]’s boy.”

2.  Rick Pitino (102-146, .411) Pitino was the Celtics’ anointed savior after signing a 10-year, $50 million contract to be the GM and head coach. He vowed that he’d lead the Celtics back to the playoffs within 3 years…but hit a snag when Larry Bird, Kevin McHale (isn’t it ironic?), and Robert Parish didn’t walk through that door. In classy move in 1999, Pitino admitted that he would’ve never taken the job if he knew he wouldn’t draft Tim Duncan. He threatened to quit at the end of that season, as well as the next one, before resigning in January of 2001. The C’s never won more than 36 games in his 3+ seasons, and he further alienated players through his incompetency as a GM (see Travis Knight signing, trading rookie Chauncey Billups for Kenny Anderson’s mega contract, etc.).

3. Mike Woodson (137-243, .361): Woodson’s Hawks went 13-69 in 2004/05, but yet he stuck around through three more losing seasons. Atlanta reached the playoffs in 2007/08 with just 37 victories — and a roster stacked with lottery picks, mind you — which saved Woodson from getting the axe. The local writers called him the the worst coach in Atlanta sports history, and he’s admitted to having a tough time managing this starters’ minutes (that might be important for a head coach). The Hawks are 31-21 at the All-Star break, but I can’t help but wonder if Atlanta would be among the NBA’s elite if they had a halfway decent coach.

4. P.J. Carlesimo (204-296, .408): Take away his three seasons with the Blazers, and Carlesimo’s winning percentage drops to a Floyd-esque .263.  Carlesimo bombed in Golden State, where he ran into conflicts with management and wasn’t respected by the players. You might be even say, he choked under the pressure (sorry, I couldn’t resist). He won 19 games in his first year, 2 in his second, and was fired after a 6-21 start in 1999/00. He resurfaced with Seattle a staggering eight years later, and guided the team to the worst record in franchise history (20-62). The Thunder were off to a league-worst 1-12 record when he was fired in November, and have gone 12-28 under interim-coach Scott Brooks.

5. Sam Mitchell (156-189, .452): Once voted the worst coach in the league in a poll of 248 NBA players, Mitchell became notorious for his head-scratching lineups, questionable substitution patterns, and inability to call timeouts in key situations. But I’ll give credit where it’s due — the man sure knew how to rock a designer suit. Interestingly enough, he was named Coach of the Year in 2007 while the Toronto fans were calling for his head, and he was dismissed a little over a year later. That day was declared a Canadian national holiday.

6. Brian Hill (248-283, .467): Yes, Hill is a three-time 50-game winner in Orlando, where he stood back and watched Shaq and Penny lead the Magic to NBA Finals in 1995. But he was also a terrible decision maker on the sidelines and botched many games for a supremely talented team. And of couse, he was notoriously disliked by his players, to the point where Penny and company demanded that that he be fired after a players’ only meeting. He then compiled an uninspiring 31-123 record in two+ years with the Grizzlies, before coming back to Orlando in 2005. The Magic went 40-42 games in his final season, and then improved by 12 games under Stan Van Gundy.

7. Bill Hanzlik (11-71, .134): Hanzlik’s first and only head coaching season came with 1997/98 Denver Nuggets, who came within two games of tying the 1972/1973 Philadelphia 76ers for the worst record in NBA history. Don’t get me wrong, 11 wins is horrific no matter how you cut it, but I mean, would you be able to pick five of these players out of a lineup? From the useless stat department: Handzlik holds the NBA record for fewest wins in full season by a rookie coach.  I’m sure he pops the champagne whenever a new coach wins his 12th game.

8. Lon Kruger (69 -122, .361): Kruger is another example a good collegiate coach who wasn’t cut out for the NBA (damn the Hawks for playing on Philips Drive, so I can’t make a Nightmare of Elm Street reference!). He was over-matched on the sidelines, and faced disconnect and a lack of respect from his players. After the Hawks won 33 games in his second season, Kruger guaranteed season-ticket holders a $125 refund if the Atlanta wouldn’t make the playoffs next year. Kruger was fired after an 11-16 start…but at least some people got paid.

9. John Lucas (79-209, .274): Lucas was coming off 55-win season with the Spurs in 1993/94, where his successor, Bob Hill won 62 games the following season. Hired as the coach and GM of the 76ers (this never fails), Lucas won 24 and 18 games, respectively, in his two seasons in Philly. He won 29 games with Cleveland in 2001, but was fired after failing to show progress with a young team in the midst of a disastrous 8-34 start in 2002/03. Then again, his efforts translated into a league-worst 17-65 record, which landed the Cavs LeBron James. So, there’s that.

10. Eric Musselman (108-138 , .439):  While he led the Warriors to their most successful two-year stint in 12 years, “Mussel-head” — Erick Dampier’s affectionate nickname — didn’t impress players with his gameplan or rotation, and his lone season in Sacramento is enough to put him over the top like Lincoln Hawk. After wooing the Maloofs with a PowerPoint slideshow (hey, I’m good at those, too!), Muss was arrested for a DUI in the preseason and never gained the players’ trust. He’s responsible for the Kings’ downfall after leading Sacramento to its worst season in nine years, and plus he’s somehow dating the lovely Danyelle Sargent — come on!

Dishonorable Mention:

*M.L. Carr (48-116, .293):  C’s tanked to get Duncan
*Randy Wittman (100-207, .326): His GM helped…
*Brian Winters (36-148, .196): coached expansion Vancouver
*Don Chaney (100-166, .376)
*John Calipari (72-112, .391):
*Mike Dunleavy (437-486, .473):  I dont want to step on Bill Simmons territory…