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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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It’s highly unlikely that a woman will ever play in the NBA, since even the tallest female would have trouble dealing with the size, strength, and athleticism of a men’s basketball league (picture Manute Bol guarding Shaq in the post).  Even still, few would argue that WNBA superstar Candace Parker, for one, has less pure talent than the likes of Kwame Brown, Darko Milicic, and of course, her husband Shelden Williams. As 6′8″ college freshman Brittney Griner continues to dominate against female competition and spark debate over whether she could be the first woman to break the barrier, let’s take a look at some of the NBA’s female basketball pioneers (insert Joakim Noah joke here).

Nancy Lieberman: Before her storied WNBA career, which included a brief comeback as a player last season at age 50 (take that, Jordan!), Lieberman was the first woman to play against men professionally in the United States Basketball League. She later attended NBA summer camps with the Lakers and Jazz in the mid-80’s, and became the first woman to play for the Washington Generals. Unfortunately, she still couldn’t help them beat the Harlem Globetrotters. Last week, Lieberman became the first female head coach in NBDL history, and could eventually become the first woman to coach in the NBA. Not to mention, she’s still smoking hot for a 51-year-old. Um, let’s move on.

Lusia Harris: Harris remains the first and only woman to be drafted by an NBA team after she was selected in the seventh round of the 1977 Draft (137th overall) by the New Orleans Jazz. Because she was pregnant at the time, team officials believed they owned the future draft rights to her unborn child (this actually happened, I kid you not). Although she never played in the NBA, Harris became the first female inductee into the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame, and would still undoubtedly play better defense for the Jazz than Carlos Boozer.

Ann Meyers: In September 1979, Meyers inked a $50,000 contract with the Indiana Pacers, becoming the first and only woman to sign with and try out for an NBA team. She didn’t end up making the final cut, since clearly, when you have the chance to keep Corky Calhoun and John Kuester, you’ve got to do it. Many have since argued that Meyer’s invitation was largely a publicity stunt by the cash-starved Pacers, hardly surprising since Indiana reportedly lost close to $30 million last season. So, what’s Candace’s number again?

Cheryl Miller: Way before Candace Parker, there was Cheryl Miller, who is still widely considered as a better basketball player than her NBA All-Star brother, Reggie. Drafted by the USBL a few years after Lieberman, Miller’s playing career was derailed after a series of knee injuries.  She’s served as an NBA broadcaster for TNT Sports, and became the first female analyst to call a nationally televised NBA game in 1996.  And in case anyone was wondering if she could’ve held her own against male competition, Miller defended herself splendidly against Scot Pollard.

Violet Palmer: Palmer (along with Denise Kantner), became the first woman to referee a regular season game for any all-male professional sports league on October 31, 1997. Palmer remains the only female among the league’s 59-member officiating staff, and became the first woman to referee an NBA playoff game in 2006. While her officiating competence has come under scrutiny, any basketball fan would gladly take her over Bennett Salvatore (one of my favorite clips ever, by the way).

My fondest memory of Palmer was the time Jason Kidd slapped her on the butt during her first season. While the commentators laughed at the incident, Palmer acted as if nothing happened. It was just the right amount of awkwardness and awesomeness that always made me appreciate her style. And made me realize that Jason Kidd is a douche.

(Previously on The Matt Carroll Saga..)

Cuban: Well, well, well! If it isn’t The Bobbsey Twins!

Carroll: (chortles)  What?

Cuban: Where do you two think you’re going? Gonna skip practice?

Howard: Fucks yeah!

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(Matt Carroll enters the American Airlines Center during the first Dallas Mavericks practice of the preseason..)

Carroll: (waving, bumps into rim support)  Hey gang!

Howard: Ay man, what happened to yo eyeballs?

Carroll: I got Lasik eye surgery! (more…)

When Kenner, the maker of some fantastic Starting Lineups, lost its contract with the NBA in 1998, I stopped collecting sports figures entirely.  Sure, Mattel and later McFarlane released their own lines of “more realistic” products, but none of them could hold a candle to the 6″ SLUs that looked nothing like the players and had some questionable basketball poses (case in point: Jason Kidd).  But while searching the internet for gift ideas the other week, I came across some rather interesting players chosen by McFarlane for their very own action figures.  Let’s take a look at some of their worst moves.

Kwame Brown, Wizards (2002):  Okay, so maybe no one could’ve foreseen that the player who Michael Jordan drafted first overall in 2001 (and soon thereafter called a “flaming f****t”) would become a mediocre journeyman best known for somehow getting dealt for Caron Butler in one of the most lop-sided trades of the decade. Wait, you mean everyone did?  Either way, McFarlane really dropped the ball by not releasing a cake-throwing collectors’ edition five years later.

DaJuan Wagner, Cavaliers (2003): It’s not that Wagner had a horrible rookie season (13.4 points) or never showcased any future potential before having his career deranged by a colon.  It’s that Yao Ming, Amare (I refuse to put the apostrophe) Stoudemire, and Caron Butler, to name a few, were all chosen in the same draft and didn’t get their figures released as quickly.  And hell, even the great Skita Tskitishvili played more games in the NBA.

J.R, Smith, Hornets / Sabastian Telfair, Trail Blazers (2006) -  Figures of Smith and Telfair were released under an exclusive McFarlane series called “Young Guns.”  No really, they were.  I have absolutely absolutely nothing to add to this.

Michael Finley, Spurs (2006) - I’m sure there was a long line outside of every sports memorabilia shop to pick up a figure of the 33-year-old Michael Finley, years removed from his All-Star days in Dallas and barely putting up double-digit points as a reserve with the Spurs.  Rumor has it, McFarlane’s was furiously working on a Kevin Willis figure when he un-retired at age 44 during the same year.

Steve Francis, Knicks (2006) - Apparently someone at McFarlane felt that Francis’ New York tenure, a disaster in every which way imaginable that essentially led to the end of his pro career and forever tarnished Larry Brown’s reputation, needed to be commemorated with a highly coveted “Chase” piece (or rather, a repaint of his 2002 Rockets release).  A Grizzlies figure can’t be far behind.

Adam Morrison (2008) - It would be one thing if this figure come out in 2006, after Morrison finished a stellar collegiate career and was expected to emerge into a NBA star, or even in 2007, following his somewhat decent rookie campaign (11.8 PPG).  But no, it came out a full year later, while Morrison sat out the season with a knee injury, only to return to post 4.0 PPG in 2008/2009 with the Bobcats and Lakers. I can’t wait to see how McFarlane commemorates Morrison for winning a championship.

Desmond Mason (2008, 2009):  Mason does hold a 12.2 points per game career scoring average and has won a couple of Slam Dunk Contests, so one figure is perhaps excusable.  But someone at McFarlane must have a crush on Mr. Mason, since the same piece was repainted and re-released in 2009 after he was traded to the Thunder.  McFarlane called it a “Surprise” release — as in, “Surprise!  A guy who averaged less than eight points in 39 games has his own figure.”

Zach Randolph (2009) - I don’t even know what to say anymore.  An Eddy Curry figure in 2010?  Count on it.

Sometimes Bob Ryan blogs. It’s not really a blog, per se. More of a collection of windbaggian quips. It’s called “And Another Thing… Opinions, Observations & Anecdotes.” Just a bunch of ideas that he couldn’t flesh out into entire columns. Basically everything he ever writes should be in this section, but I digress.

Today, Bob Ryan has some opinions, observations & anecdotes on Antoine Walker. (more…)

There are two rules for being a successful NBA franchise. The first is don’t hire Isiah Thomas as your general manager. The second is steer clear of rookies who don’t want to play for your team. At least the Timberwolves got one of those right. As much as David Kahn wants to insist that drafting Ricky Rubio was the right move, it’s strikingly reminiscent of the Clippers drafting Danny Ferry in 1989, who immediately bolted to Italy (best decision he’s ever made), and more recently, the Magic drafting Fran Vázquez in 2005, who much like Rubio, gave no initial indication that he’d return to Spain rather than play in the NBA. The fact is, history has shown that drafting players against their wishes rarely ends well for teams who try to test their luck.

The Grizzlies selected Steve Francis second overall in the 1999 NBA Draft (over Baron Davis, Lamar Odom, and Shawn Marion) despite the fact that the Maryland guard publicly announced that he had no intention of playing in Vancouver. After nearly convincing him to sign with the team — Francis even filmed a shelved ESPN commercial where he revealed that his holdout was over his dislike of Canadian bacon — the Grizzlies were forced to trade the future three-time All-Star to the Rockets. In return, Vancouver acquired the poo-poo platter of Michael Dickerson, Othella Harrington, Antoine Carr and Brent Price, and shockingly began losing fan support and money. The team moved to Memphis within two years, all because “The Franchise” ruined, well, the franchise. In an ironic twist of fate, Francis was dealt by Houston back to the Grizzlies last season, but once again never suited up after immediately getting bought-out and waived.

Two years ago, the Bucks decided to draft Yi Jianlian, even after his agent Dan “Jack Woltz” Fegan insisted that his client would never play in Milwaukee. Yi eventually received an offer he couldn’t refuse — a guaranteed starting job and significant playing time. He put up a paltry 8.6 points on a 26-win Bucks team, and turned out to be (at least) three years older than the listed age on his Chinese documents. Milwaukee traded Yi to the Nets for Richard Jefferson after one disappointing season, and a year later, managed to turn the sixth pick in a strong 2007 draft class into three expiring contracts.

Going back further, in 1992, Jim Jackson, drafted fourth overall by the Mavericks, refused to report to the team and missed the majority of his rookie season after a lengthy contract dispute (this was, of course, before the days of the rookie salary cap, implemented after Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson demanded a ludicrous 13-year, $100 million contract). Jackson and Jason Kidd, two of the three “J’s” who were supposed to lead the Mavs back to prominence, allegedly became involved in a love triangle with R&B singer Toni Braxton and insisted they’d never breathe again on the same team. Jackson, along with Sam Cassell, was traded to the Nets for Shawn Bradley and Ed O’Bannon. Needless to say, the Mavs received the short end of that deal and would go on to have five consecutive losing seasons.

Which brings us back to Rubio. By drafting a player who, by all indications, doesn’t want to play in Minnesota, Kahn has all but guaranteed that his team will suffer, even if Rubio eventually ends up donning the green and blue. Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy or a final destination, but Minnesota’s fate was decided the moment David Stern announced the fifth pick in the 2009 Draft. Need more proof? How about those same lovable Clippers finally convincing their 1988 top pick, Danny Manning, to sign his contract, only to watch him blow out his knee 26 games into his rookie season and never live up to expectations?

Then again, it might be fun reading Kevin Love’s angry Twitter updates about the floppy-haired Spanish kid macking on his girlfriend…

My name is Point Guard Chauncey Billups and I need me eight Nuggets! (more…)

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 2: #2 Denver Nuggets vs. #6 Dallas Mavericks.. (more…)

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 1: #3 San Antonio Spurs vs. #6 Dallas Mavericks.. (more…)