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Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.

Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Jesus! (more…)

Maybe they meant the next Bird, based on how Larry would play today?

Magic Johnson once said, “There will never, eva be another Larry Bird.” Tell that to the media. Every couple of years, a successful white player enters the NBA and instantly becomes anointed as the second coming of Larry Legend (I’m looking at you, Tyler Hansbrough). Forget about Bird’s underrated court vision, defensive anticipation, leadership, and downright cockiness — the only prerequisite for drawing a comparison to the legend is being tall and Caucasian. While some players, such as Dirk Nowitzki and Chris Mullin, carved out Hall of Fame-worthy careers in Bird’s shadow (even Tom Chambers had five 20-point seasons), most haven’t fared quite so well. Here’s a look at the ten worst players who were once labeled as “The Next Larry Bird.”

1. Adam Morrison: A 6′8″ white guy with floppy hair and a prebubescent mustache is bound to draw comparisons to Bird.  Morrison averaged 11.8 points per game as a rookie on 38% shooting, placing him last among regulars in John Hollinger’s PER rankings. After missing the entire 2007/08 season with a torn ACL, he was traded to the Lakers because he “couldn’t handle the pressure” of being the third pick — completely out of character for a man who once cried on the court. Morrison averaged 1.3 points in six minutes per game for Los Angeles.

2. Andrew Gaze: The greatest Australian baller this side of Luc Longley was cut by the Sonics in favor of the legendary Scott Meents in 1990, and went on to play 26 games in the NBA with the Bullets and Spurs, scoring 46 points — total (1.7 per game). He was given a championship ring by the Spurs despite being left off the playoff roster 1999, putting him somewhere between Jack Haley and Darko Milicic on the all-time undeserved ring recipients list. But according to Donn Nelson, Gaze has “the full international package,” which if nothing else makes him the Aussie Dirk Diggler.

3. Eric Montross: Prior to the 1994 Draft, Boston general manager M.L. Carr said the 7′0″ stiff was “cut from the same cloth” as Larry Legend.  Yes, that Eric Montross, who put up 12 points, seven rebounds, and zero three-point attempts at UNC. Even more remarkable is the fact that Bird himself was working as a Celtics special assistant and gave him a strong evalutation. Montross averaged 4.9 points, 4.6 rebounds, 0.6 blocks over 11 seasons, and Carr’s Celtics won 35, 33, and a franchise-worst 15 games in his three seasons as GM and head coach.

4. Danny Ferry: You know it’s a sad day when Danny Ferry comes in fourth on a “worst” list. After refusing to play for the Clippers, Ferry signed an absurd 10-year, $37 million contract with the Cavs, and averaged seven points and three rebounds per game in 13 seasons. He was tall, painfully slow, and had an ugly lean-in set shot. While Bird wasn’t afraid to fight Julius Erving and Bill Laimbeer, Ferry’s career-defining moment was bitch-slapping Marcus Camby and ducking behind Jeff Van Gundy to avoid a retaliatory roundhouse punch.

5. Austin Croshere: Croshere averaged career highs of 10.3 points and 6.4 rebounds in 1999/00 while playing under Bird in Indiana. He was rewarded with a cap-killing, seven-year, $51 million contract, making him the second highest-paid player on the conference champions. He predictably fell out of the Pacers’ rotation and never came close to living up to his contract. Shockingly, he’s still in the league, putting up 2.9 points and 2.3 rebounds in 14 games with the Bucks and Spurs last season.

6. Wally Szczerbiak: Once described as having a “Larry Bird game” along with “a Tom Cruise smile” (I feel a little dirty just writing that), Szczerbiak made one undeserved All-Star appearance in 2002. He’s since bounced around the league and put up career lows of seven points and 3.1 rebounds per game with Cleveland last season. But at least both Szczerbiak and Bird played for the Celtics and wore double digits on their jerseys, which is more than most of the other guys can say.

7. Troy Murphy: Murphy might’ve ranked higher had it not been for his career season in 2008/09, when he averaged 14.3 points (45% from beyond the arc), 11.2 rebounds (second in the NBA), and 2.4 assists. It’s probably no coincidence that Bird brought him to Indiana, either. While he’ll still never come close to Larry Legend territory, I should admint that I’ve had an inflated perception of Murphy ever since he demolished me in a high school pickup game.

8. Keith Van Horn: The second overall pick in 1997 had his best years with the Nets, even appearing on the cover of NBA Jam ‘99, before playing for four teams in his final four years in the league. Van Horn averaged 16 points per game for his career, and is best remembered for wearing high knee socks. While Bird had a guaranteed contract when he retired and forfeited his last two paychecks, Van Horn came out of “retirement” to accept $4.3 million to stay home. Because that $73 million contract he once signed couldn’t feed his family.

9. Mike Dunleavy Jr. / Mike Miller: After putting up 5.7 points per game as a rookie, Dunleavy shed the bust label by registering a career best 19.1 points in 2007/08. Last I checked, however, he’s still a Dukie. Miller is a solid role player and has established himself as a terrific long-range shooter. Then again, I can say the same things about Pat Garrity or Jason Kapono, who (hopefully) never drew Bird comparisons. Either way, I’m grouping Dunleavy and Miller together because they share their sisters’ hair bands.

10. Christian Laettner: Laettner never emerged into the superstar many expected, putting up 13.3 points per game and 6.9 rebounds per game for six teams. A one-time All-Star reserve in 1997, he was inexplicably selected to the 1992 Dream Team based on his collegiate accomplishments, leading Charles Barkley to note that “the only thing Christian Laettner has in common with Larry Bird is they both pee standing up.” Yep, that’s why we love you, Chuck.

Honorable Mention:

*Joe Alexander: It didn’t take long for Alexander to get compared to both Larry Bird and Jerry West in one ESPN telecast. This is just a classic example of announcer idiocy.

*Eric Piatkowski: I’m not sure if Piatkowski was ever actually referred to as a Bird heir, but it wouldn’t be surprising. I just wanted to show some love for “The Polish Rifle,” who was once fined for wearing his shorts too low. Dude’s as gangsta as Larry.

A smile came across my face the other day, when I saw my favorite phrase in sports among the headlines — “planning an NBA comeback.” This time, it was Bryon “Don’t Call Me Byron” Russell — best-known for getting used and abused by Michael Jordan in the 1998 NBA Finals — claiming that he could still help a contender in limited minutes.  I’m not sure why, but I still get a little excited to hear a familiar name and “return” in the same sentence. The list of recent player comebacks is surprisingly limited, but many have given serious consideration to “scratching that itch” one last time.

Of course, the king of comebacks both on and off the court, Michael Jordan, has given us three retirement speeches. The first one came in 1993, when Jordan cited a loss of desire to play basketball — or as rumor has it, was suspended by the commissioner for gambling problems — and tried his hand at minor league baseball. His subsequent comeback in 1995 was certainly memorable. I’ll never forget the ‘I’m Back’ newspaper headlines, the “Sports Illustrated” issue that’s still sitting somewhere in my parents’ attic, and all of the red #45 jerseys in the hallways of my middle school. I stared at the TV wide-eyed, as a rusty Jordan dropped 55 points against the Knicks, and then donned the familiar #23 during the conference semi-finals against Orlando.   But by the time next season rolled around, when the Bulls were on their way to winning 72 games and Jordan was coasting to another scoring title, I suddenly remembered how much I hated MJ before he retired. As a Knicks fan, I couldn’t stand the thought of facing — and losing to — Chicago in the playoffs yet again.  A painful three-peat later, I happily watched the second retirement press conference, and was even more pleased for the invention of the cigar cutter.

My personal favorite comeback, and one that doesn’t get mentioned nearly as much as it should, was Magic Johnson’s return during the 1995/96 season.  Magic retired in 1991 after contracting HIV, and the most notable opponent of Magic’s failed comeback attempt in 1992/93, was of course, a championship-hungry Karl Malone (who played with Johnson on the Olympic team, mind you).  A few years later, Magic finally returned to the hardwood to help the struggling Lakers.  I remember everything about his first game back against the Warriors, from his crazy old-school ball fake in Joe Smith’s face, to wondering whether fat Magic could now fit into his own over-sized Lakers jersey hanging in the rafters.  It still amazes me that at 36,  after not playing competitive basketball for five years, he narrowly missed a triple double with 19 points, 8 rebounds, and 10 assists in 27 minutes.  He would finish the season with averages of 15 points, 6 rebounds, and 7 assists, leading the team to a 22-10 finish.  Unfortunately, his return caused tension among the young Lakers, and despite Pat Riley’s best efforts to convince him to sign with the Miami Heat (how crazy would that have been?), Magic retired for good after Los Angeles lost to Houston in the the playoffs.   He would, however, give us more joy than he could ever imagine on The Magic Hour.  Let’s all take this time to watch a mesmerizing clip of Howard Stern’s appearance on the show.

While Jordan’s first comeback was all but inevitable, the second one caught most people by surprise.  I never thought it would actually happen, but I still refreshed the ESPN homepage countless times, hoping to see those two magic words across the screen once again.   When he stepped on the court in 2001, I found myself feeling a little sorry for the greatest player of all-time.  While he had a few Jordan-like performances, seeing him linger up and down the court on 40-year-old knees and embarrass himself on the grand stage was like watching Al Pacino in “88 Minutes” or Joaquin Phoenix trying to rap. When he finally called it quits in 2003, I figured no former NBA star would risk the same fate after witnessing Jordan’s failures.

While that hasn’t exactly been the case, many comeback attempts have ended before they’ve had a chance to begin.  After Clyde Drexler was voted into the Hall of Fame in 2004, he contemplated coming back as a 42-year-old sixth man.  Scottie Pippen, 41, announced his intentions to return after a three-year hiatus during last season’s All-Star weekend.  Charles Oakley was reportedly serious about playing for the first time in four seasons at age 44 — I’m sure it was just a coincidence that he was writing a book at the time.  Dennis Rodman toiled in the ABA and overseas as recently as 2006, hoping to get a call-up from a desperate contender.  Even Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon wanted to get into the act last season at the age of 45.  Okay, so that last one isn’t real, but it fooled me for a second.   None of these players drew serious interest from NBA teams, probably because there’s only so much Centrum Silver and calcium supplements to go around; and in Scottie’s case, I don’t think anyone wants to see his bald head ever again.

It’s almost hard to believe that Shawn Kemp was 33 when he last played in the NBA in 2002/03, 50 pounds overweight and battling a well-publicized cocaine addiction. He came close to making a comeback in 2006, when the Mavericks agreed to give the slimmed-down Kemp a private workout, and then again in 2007, when the Denver Nuggets gave him serious consideration. I never understood why some team wouldn’t offer him a minimum contract to get more fans in attendance — and I don’t mean all of his children. Kemp ended up signing with an Italian team last summer, but was later cut after failing to arrive on time. At almost 40, it’s not likely we’ll ever see the Reign Man play basketball on TV again…unless it’s on Pros vs. Joes.

One 40-year-old who was heavily courted by NBA teams, Reggie Miller, wisely decided against coming out of his two-year retirement.  In 2000, the Suns convinced Kevin Johnson, who retired after the 1997/98 season, to return after Jason Kidd went down with an injury; Phoenix won its first playoff series in five years. A handful of others have had moderate success at coming back to the NBA — and no, I’m not just talking about Aaron McKie and Keith Van Horn here.  Penny Hardaway, who last appeared in four games with the Knicks in 2005, signed with the Miami Heat last year.  He was released a month into the season, and Lil’ Penny has a better chance of getting another contract.  Allan Houston has twice been cut by the Knicks (that says it all right there) after coming out of retirement in 2007.  Darius Miles returned to play for the Memphis Grizzlies this year, after missing more than two seasons with what the Portland doctors considered to be a career-ending knee injury.  As the accompanying video shows, he hasn’t exactly lit the world on fire.  But sadly, the man with the family to feed, Latrell Sprewell, has been conspicuously quiet despite some recent financial concerns.  Wouldn’t it be fun to watch Spree come back at 38 to help a choking, er, struggling team in the stretch run?

When the Lakers faced the Bulls on February 2, 1996, Magic and Michael appeared on the same court for the first time since 1991 NBA Finals.  I remember a fan in the crowd held up a sign that read, “First Michael, then Magic, how about it Larry?”  Hey, it might not be too late…on second thought, maybe that’s pushing it.  I guess this was all just a long way of saying, I’m pulling for you, Bryon Russell.

When warming the bench isn’t enough. When scanning the stands for hoochie-mamas has run dry. When getting paid to be a glorified spectator has worn thin..

It’s time…for the Expiring Contract Avengers!

~~~

Malik Rose is in his warmups at the end of the Knicks bench, reading Twilight when his Expring Contract Avengers decoder ring begins to flash.

“There’s trouble afoot!” Rose proclaims as he leaps off the bench and sprints down the MSG players’ tunnel to the utter befuddlement of Coach D’Antoni.

“The fuck?” D’Antoni remarks quizzically. (more…)