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Nappy’s in trouble with the Feds! And the Mob! When Nappy needs some quick cash, he turns to his good friends at Lowposts and types up some dumb shit for them. Here we go!

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There’s a thin line between being a tough, aggressive defender and playing dirty. Oftentimes, an accused player’s teammates and fans will defend his actions, while opposing coaches decry them as inexcusable and thuggish. Although today’s NBA is considerably less dirty as a result of crackdowns on overly physical play (and shady referees), there are still a quite a few players who love to sneak in a timely push or jab to the stomach. Here are some of the worst offenders in recent NBA history.

1. Bruce Bowen: Spurs fans will insist that Bowen is only playing rough, hard-nosed defense and isn’t intentionally trying to injure other players.  Why don’t we just let the video evidence of Mr. Bowen’s ‘tricks’ speak for itself. Stick your foot underneath a descending jump shooter? Check. Knee a player in the groin? Check. Kick the defender in the face?  Check and check. But of course, much like his other Spurs teammates, Bowen insists he’s never committed a foul in his life.

2. Karl Malone: The All-Defensive Team selections aren’t fooling anyone — Malone was a legendary cheap short artist. In fact, his elbow has as many career highlights as the Mailman himself, including ending a player’s college career by destroying his face, causing Isiah Thomas to get 40 stitches on his forehead, knocking David Robinson unconscious for two minutes, breaking Joe Kleine’s nose, and being Steve Nash’s dentist.  And then there are those “accidental” kicks to the man region…

3. Bill Laimbeer: The “Bad Boy” Pistons of the late ’80’s were collectively known for their aggressive style of defense, and Laimbeer was the enforcer, angering his opponents with constants pokes, slaps, and shoves in the back. After a vicious take down of Larry Bird in the playoffs, Robert Parish retaliated by punching Laimbeer in the face…and wasn’t even ejected! In an unforeseen turn of events, Laimbeer’s Detroit Shock team instigated the first brawl in WNBA histroy last season.

4. John Stockton: Malone’s partner in crime, the NBA’s all-time leader in assists and steals also set the most illegal screens in NBA history, routintely getting away with all kinds of low blows when the referees weren’t looking. Stockton was known for excessive holding, delivering hard elbows to the ribs, and pulling a defender down after a shot. Thankfully, his patented short shorts left no room for Stockton to hide a shiv.

5. Dennis Rodman: Remembered more for his craziest antics, Rodman had more subtle tactics to get into players’ heads. He’d pull on shorts, sneak in grabs and pushes, and extend his foot to trip a player running down the court. Rodman was once named the NBA’s dirtiest player in a poll of NBA players, coaches and execs, leading the commissioner to order The Worm to change his physical playing style. Too bad Stern never asked him to stop shopping at Victoria’s Secret.

6. Kobe Bryant: While Laker fans continue to insist it’s the defenders who keep attacking Kobe’s elbow with their faces, the whack to Ron Artest’s throat in the playoffs was hardly new territory. Over the last few years, Kobe’s been suspended for similarly elbowing Mike Miller and striking Manu Ginobili and Marco Jaric on his “extended follow through,” and earned a flagrant one for hitting Kyle Korver in the jaw. Apparently, the Black Mamba has a preference for white meat.

7. Rick Mahorn: When Mahorn and teammate Jeff Ruland, collectively known as McFilthy and McNasty, were on the Washington Bullets, players driving down the lane would finish layups on their backs. Mahorn later perfected a dirty defensive maneuver where he’d wait for a player to post him up, and then step away while tugging on the player’s jersey to make him fall down on the court. And of course, he showed Lisa Leslie how to fight Detroit-style last summer.

8. Charles Oakley: Michael Jordan’s personal bodyguard in Chicago, the Oak-man later enforced the Knicks’ “no easy layups” mentality with means picks, sharp elbows, and occasional punches. A rough physical presence, he always fouled hard, and wasn’t afraid to slap the likes of Jeff McInnis, Tyrone Hill, and even Shaquille O’Neal. Oakley was so ruthless that he’ll undoubtedly throw those ‘bows at the retirement home.

9. Reggie Evans: For all we know, it was an isolated incident (unless you count spanking Kyle Korver on the butt), but if there’s one rule on the basketball court, it’s never grab another guy’s testicles. Unfortunately, Evans did just that to gain a positional advantage during the 2006 playoffs, violating an unsuspecting Chris Kaman by putting his hand up his shorts and “pulling hard.” We still haven’t received word on whether it was the beans or the frank.

10. Robert Horry: Intentional or not, the biggest shot of Horry’s storied career came in the closing moments of Game 4 of the 2007 Western Conference Finals, when Horry mistook Steve Nash for Martin St. Louis and body-checked him into the scorers’ table, leading to suspensions for two Suns starters. The sequel came in 2008, when “Cheap Shot Bob” forced David West out of the game by blindsiding him in the back on a moving pick.

Quick (But Painful) Hits:

*Dikembe Mutombo: More clumsy than dirty, Deke’s teammates made him wear elbow pads in practice for their own protection.

*Isiah Thomas: Zeke didn’t just do the Knicks dirty — he subtly stepped on players’ feet when they dribbled the ball.

*Kenyon Martin: Notorious for vicious flagrants earlier in his career, K-Mart also has quite the dirty mouth!

*Charles Barkley: Never known for being much of a defender, Barkely used his elbows to his advantage on the court, and especially at the buffet line.

*Xavier McDaniel: Players knew not to mess with the X-Man — Al Bundy found out the hard way.

*Danny Fortson: the poor man’s Bill Laimbeer (not a compliment), Fortson did little on the court besides push, shove, and elbow — while sporting some mean pigtails.

*James Posey: Not afraid to deliver a blindsider and shoulder-block players when they’re least suspecting it.

*Raja Bell: Here at lowposts, we’ve got nothing but love for you, Raja.

*Peja Stojakovic: Whoops, we’re not talking about that kind of dirty…

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Conference Finals: #1 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #2 Denver Nuggets.. (more…)

My name is Point Guard Chauncey Billups and I need me eight Nuggets! (more…)

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 2: #2 Denver Nuggets vs. #6 Dallas Mavericks.. (more…)

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 1: #2 Denver Nuggets vs. #7 New Orleans Hornets.. (more…)

Can you name the forward with one wheel drive

Sits forty-seven and plays thirty-five

Kenyonerooooooo! Kenyoneroooooooo!

Well, he goes real slow with the hammer down

He’s the country-fried forward being coached by a clown

Kenyonerooooooo! Kenyoneroooooo!

Two meters long, one meter wide

Two-hundred-ninety pounds of American pride

Kenyonerooooooo! Kenyoneroooooooo!

Top of the line in baggy shorts

Unexplained shootings are a matter for the courts!

Kenyoneroooooooo! Kenyoneroooooo!

He batters everybody who calls him a ‘chump’

He’s a fan-smackin’, Trina-packin’ overweight lump

Kenyonerooooooooooo! Kenyoneroooooo!

Post up, Kenyonero!

Whoa, Kenyonero, whoa!

For a look at the worst trades of the McHale era, check out Part I of this three-part series.

As hard as it is to believe, no Kevin McHale transaction can compare to the Atlanta Hawks signing John Koncak (career averages: 4.5 points, 4.9 rebounds ) to a six-year, $13 million deal in 1989.  Sure, that doesn’t sound like a lot of money today, but at the time, it made him one of the highest paid players in the league.  Only in the NBA could Jon “Contract” be making more than Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird.  Say what you will about McHale, but he never overpaid a stiff and talentless white center.  Well, unless you count Mark Madsen, but he gets a pass for simply being awesome.  Narrowing down the list to the ten worst contracts of the McHale era (1995 - 2008) proved to be incredibly difficult, and some horrific moves from the likes of Billy King and Isiah Thomas failed to make the cut.  Let’s get to it.

1. Jim McIlvaine (5 years, $33.6 million), Seattle SuperSonics: After backing up Gheorge Muresan for two years in Washington, McIlvaine, fresh of a season in which he averaged 2.3 points, 2.9 rebounds, and 2.1 blocks per game, received a staggering contract offer from the Sonics. He responded with career-highs of 3.8 points and 4.0 rebounds the following season, and then declined statistically for the next four years while battling injuries. More importantly, the signing angered superstar Shawn Kemp, who had asked for an extension after leading Seattle to the NBA Finals.  Can you really blame him when Jim McIlvaine was making more money?  The locker room rift caused Seattle to trade Kemp to Cleveland for Vin “Hiccup” Baker (more on him later), where the former ‘Reign Man’ took his frustration out on defenseless pastries (and all the single ladies). The Sonics were never able to fully recover, and ended up moving to Oklahoma City this season…it’s all McIlvaine’s fault, Seattle fans.

2. Travis Knight (7 years, $22 million), Boston Celtics:  Ah, one of Rick Pitino’s finest moves as the Celtics GM was there when Travis Knight walked through that door. Apparently, 4.8 points, 4.5 rebounds, and being 7′0″ tall, was enough to hand Knight a ridiculous seven-year contract in 1997.  He was traded back to Los Angeles after one mediocre season in Boston, and fittingly spent his final three years in bad contract heaven, New York.  He finished his career with averages of 3.4 points and 3.1 rebounds, though he does hold the NBA playoff record for quickest disqualification…seriously, he does.

3. Bryant Reeves (6 years, $61.8 million), Vancouver Grizzlies: Wait a minute — another goofy white guy getting crazy money for no discernible reason?  I’m sensing a theme here. “Big Country” put up respectable numbers in his first two seasons (a few more blocks would be nice from a seven-footer, but hey), and the Grizz decided he was in line for a huge extension.  Reeves had his best statistical season in 1997, before discovering the local buffet specials.  He reported to training camp 40 pounds (!) overweight prior to the 1998 season, and shockingly developed back problems.  His team-eating contract made him impossible to trade, and devoured much of Vancouver’s limited cap space. He retired during the 2001/02 season after being unable to fit into his warm-ups.

4.  Tariq Abdul-Wahad (6 years, $43 million), Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets rewarded Abdul-Wahad, who played all of 15 games for the team after being acquired from Orlando, with an extension prior the start of the 2000/01 season.  He averaged four points in 29 games the following season, and was then traded to the Mavericks.  So what did Mr. Abdul-Wahad do in Dallas?  He put up 3.2 points in 18 games over two seasons, and hasn’t even put a uniform since 2003.  The Mavs paid him — you might want to sit down for this — $24.75 million for those valuable services through 2007.

5. Allan Houston (6 years, $100 million), New York Knicks: Although Houston’s deal is slightly more justifiable than some of the ones above, any player who gets a rule named after his awful contract belongs high on the list.  And besides, the effect on the already dreadful Knicks’ cap situation can’t be overstated.  In 2001, GM Scott Layden inexplicably handed him a maximum extension through the 2006/07 season, when Houston would be 35.  He’d play one full season and parts of the next two, before retiring due to a chronic knee condition (he’d also fail at two subsequent comebacks).  Houston’s $19-million per year salary was among the highest in the league in 2005/06 — when he didn’t play a single game.  In fact, he “earned” nearly $40 million for barely stepping on the court.  Speaking of which…

6.  Jerome James (5 years, $30 million), New York Knicks: As we’ve seen, NBA GMs have overpaid for size above skill on numerous occasions (several more are listed in the dishonorable mentions below), but few can top the curious case of Jerome James.  After averaging 5 points and 3 rebounds during the regular season, James exploded for 13 points and 7 rebounds in 11 games in the playoffs.  Every blogger in the world joked that Isiah Thomas would be dumb enough to sign him…and, of course, he did.  James put up 3 points and 2 rebounds in 44 games the following year, and has actually regressed since then.  He played a total of 5 minutes in two games during the 2007-08 season, making his only field goal attempt and two free throws, which gave him the best field goal and free throw percentage the entire league. So, there’s that.

7.  Juwan Howard (7 years, $105 million), Washington Bullets: Howard earned his first All-Star berth in 1996, and signed a $101-million contract with the Miami Heat.  Unfortunately (for Washington), that deal violated salary cap rules and was disallowed by the NBA.  So, the Bullets — bidding against no one — decided to make Howard, the first $100-million-man in NBA history.  He averaged a semi-respectable 18 points and 8 rebounds in five seasons in DC, but was booed mercilessly for never living up to expectations of being one of the league’s highest-paid players, and tied up much of the team’s cap space.  In one of Michael Jordan’s best moves as GM (no sarcasm!), he was traded to Dallas for Christian Laettner and the poo poo platter with three years left on his deal.  Howard would finish out the last two seasons in Denver, before bouncing around more area codes than Ludacris.

8.  Howard Eisley (7 years, $41 million), Utah Jazz: I’m not sure how being a mediocre, 28-year-old backup point guard equates to $41 million of guaranteed money, but I guess that’s why I’m not an NBA GM.  Eisley was signed by Utah and traded to the Mavericks prior to the 2000 season. After one season in Dallas, he was dealt to the one team that would agree to take back his cap-killing contract.  Any guesses?  Yep, New York, where Eisley averaged 7 points and 4 assists for the duration of his deal. At least they didn’t sign a one-dimensional shooting guard to a nine-figure extension around the same time — oh, right.

9.  Vin Baker (6 years, $86.7 million), Seattle SuperSonics: Baker put in a career season with Milwaukee in 1997, and was acquired by Seattle in a sign-and-trade for Kemp. He played well in his first year as a Sonic (19 points, 8 rebounds), before packing on the pounds — reportedly ballooning up to 300 lbs — and getting his Goose on during the NBA lockout.  Baker’s alcoholism ruined his career and turned him into the league’s biggest disappointment and running joke. He was traded to the Boston Celtics (for Kenny Anderson and Vitaly Potapenko), and entered into the alcohol treatment program. Boston ended up terminating his contract after Coach Jim O’Brien smelled alcohol on his breath during practice.  I’m taking it easy on the drunk jokes here, because I really do feel kinda bad for the guy…especially now that his house and restaurant have been foreclosed.

10.  Raef LaFrentz (7 years, $70 million), Dallas Mavericks: LaFrentz averaged 13 points and 7 rebounds over his first four seasons with Denver.  And then Mark Cuban gave him an enormous extension after acquiring him midway through the 2001/02 season in the same trade as Abdul-Wahad (good one, Cubes!).  LaFrentz didn’t fit in well with Don Nelson’s system, and his statistics declined across the board the following year.  He’s become more known for his salary than on-the-court contributions, getting shipped to Boston and then Portland strictly as cap filler.  LaFrentz has appeared in 65 games over the last three seasons combined (zero games in 2008/09), and is currently in the final year of that same contract — he’s entitled to $12.7 million for warming the Blazers bench.  What a life.

Dishonorable Mention (by total contract value):  How sad is it that none of these contracts — especially Cardinal and Foyle — can crack the top-10 worst of the last 13 years?

The NBA: Where Amazingly Bad Contracts Happen!

*Rashard Lewis (6 years, $110 million), Magic
*Grant Hill (7 years, $93 million), Magic
*Kenyon Martin (7 years, $91 million), Nuggets
*Penny Hardaway (7 years, $84 million), Suns
*Brian Grant (7 years, $84 million), Heat
*Erick Dampier (7 years, $73 million), Mavs
*Tim Thomas (6 years, $67 million), Bucks
*Austin Croshere (7 years, $51 million), Pacers
*Adonal Foyle (6 years, $42 million), Warriors
*Brian Cardinal (6 years, $37 million), Grizzlies
*Todd MacCulloch (6 year, $34 million), Nets
*Calvin Booth (6 years, $34 million), Sonics
*Vitaly Potapenko (6 year, $33 million), Celtics

Bird and Laimbeer share a laugh.

Back in the ’70s, NBA fights were routine, and players were rarely fined, much less suspended for their actions.  That all changed when Kermit Washington delivered “The Punch” to Rudy Tomjanovich’s skull, earning him a 60-day league-mandated suspension.  In the 80’s, Bill Laimbeer of the Detroit Pistons’ Baby Boys was known more his fighing than his rebounding (and he got his butt kicked on more than one occasion).  And of course, we all know about the “The Malice at the Palace,” which was the most serious and damaging brawl in NBA history.  But what about the most memorable minor scuffles and slap-fests of the last 20 years?  Let’s take a look.

1.  Alonzo Mourning vs. Larry Johnson (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 4/30/98:

In the final seconds of Game 4 of the 1st Round playoffs (2:35 mark in the video), Larry Johnson shoved his former Hornets teammate, and Zo retaliated by attempting to throw a punch. The two swung and missed more times than Ryan Howard, but neither was able to connect. The best part is that Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy dived to the ground and grabbed Mourning’s leg while being dragged along the court. This will never be topped. The fight came on the heels of a 1997 brawl, when P.J. Brown flipped Charlie Ward over his head and body-slammed him, resulting in a bench-clearing melee and multiple suspensions for both teams.

2. Chris Mills vs. Bonzi Wells - 12/20/02:

Oh, if only we had video. Mills and Wells were ejected after getting into a shoving match on the court as the game ended, but it didn’t stop there. After Mills couldn’t break into the Blazers’ locker room to confront his enemy, he and and his cousin parked their car in front of Portland’s team bus as it was pulling away from the stadium. He challenged Wells to come out, and then followed the bus all the way out to the airport before driving away. Mills has denied that he was carrying a gun, but would that really surprise anyone? He was suspended three games and Wells was suspended for two.

3. Shaquille O’Neal vs. Brad Miller (with Charles Oakley) - 1/12/02:

Shaq didn’t appreciate a few hard fouls by the Bulls, and took his frustrations out on an unsuspecting Brad Miller. After a flagrant foul courtesy of Charles Oakley, the Diesel reacted by throwing a haymaker at the back of Miller’s head. Luckily, he didn’t connect, or the the Kings wouldn’t have their starting center today. A brawl spilled into the stands, resulting in multiple suspensions; Shaq was suspended for three games, Oak and Miller received one game each.

4. Carmelo Anthony vs. Nate Robinson/Mardy Collins - 12/16/06:

Isiah warned you not to go into the lane! Marty Collins fouled J.R. Smith towards the end of the game, and the two exchanged shoves and had to be separated. And then for some reason, Nate Robinson came into the picture and tackled Smith into the stands. Just when it looked to be over, Melo decided to throw a sucker-punch at Collins, and then back-pedaled away from an irate Robinson. Don’t worry Melo, we all see the Bitch in Yoo for that one. The suspensions were lengthy (games): Anthony (15), Robinson (10), Collins (6), Jared Jeffries (4), plus one game for Jerome James and Nene for leaving the bench area.

5.  Kevin Johnson vs. Doc Rivers (with Greg Anthony) - 3/24/93:

Kevin Johnson body-blocked Doc Rivers to the floor with a stiff forearm, and Rivers charged after him. That precipitated a bench-clearing brawl, that escalated to new heights when Greg Anthony, wearing street clothes, ran in to throw a cheap shot at Johnson just when the fight was being diffused. Anthony was suspended for five games; Johnson and Rivers for two games apiece. Remember that this was 1993 — just imagine what kind of penalties they’d receive today…

6. Kenyon Martin vs. Corey Maggette - 1/6/04:

After Martin committed a hard foul on Maggette, Corey sprung back up and shoved K-Mart to the floor. So, what does Martin do to retaliate? He doesn’t run away like some punk (*cough* Melo *cough*), but jumps back up and gives Maggette a deadly right and left combination before being restrained by his teammates. Maggette, meanwhile, gets held back by Richard Jefferson and takes his beating. Both players were suspended for two games.

7. Kobe Bryant vs. Chris Childs - 4/3/00:

I could’ve put Kobe vs. Ray Allen or Reggie Miller instead but they’re really all the same. Some shoving from both sides and much more talk than action. This one is probably my favorite, just because Childs retaliated to Kobe’s weak elbow with some kind of forearm/punch to the throat (see here) that Kobe seemed to just take. A few more punches were thrown, but of course none of them landed. It’s just a typical NBA scuffle, highlighted only by the star name involved.

8. Marcus Camby vs. Danny Ferry (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 1/15/01:

After getting poked in the eye by Danny Ferry, Marcus Camby took a running start and and threw a windmill punch, despite being held back by several teammates. He ended up missing, because his coach, Jeff Van Gundy (who else), jumped between the two players to break it up. The man is like a bodyguard taking a bullet for the president. Camby was suspended for five games, Ferry for one (not really sure why), and Van Gundy ended up receiving 15…stitches.

9. Karl Malone vs. Dennis Rodman (with Hulk Hogan) - 7/12/98:

Rodman and Malone had so many memorable battles in the Bulls/Jazz Finals on 1997 and 1998, that they decided to settle it once and for all in the wrestling ring. Despite being staged and fake, it remains one of the better fights among NBA players. Here’s a clip from Bash at the Beach 1998 — um, enjoy?

10. Shareef Abdur-Rahim vs. Kenny Thomas - 1/19/02:

Punches slaps were thrown, and both players were ejected and received one-game suspensions. Only mentioned because they’d go on to be teammates in Sacramento and would fight for the starting forward job. Just imagine the locker room tension.

Honorable Mention:

*Latrell Sprewell vs. P.J. Carlesimo - 12/4/97: Spree chocked his coach and earned a 68-game suspension. It didn’t happen on the court, and it’s too bad that we’ll never know how it really went down. Also see: Sprewell vs. yacht wall.

*Matt Bonner vs. Kevin Garnett - 12/15/04:  Yeah, that doesn’t seem like a fair fight. But who knew the Red Rocket had it in him?

*Candace Parker vs. Plenette Pierson (WNBA) - 7/23/08:  I’d rather not talk about this…

The NBA is obviously a hotbed of crazy tattoos.  But while some are creative works of art, others are as generic and unoriginal as they come.  The majority of NBA tats can be grouped into several categories, ranging from standard nicknames to the increasingly-popular use of Chinese characters.  Let’s take a look at each of these and decide which player pulls it off better than the others.  You know, kinda like that US Weekly feature, Who Wore it Best?  Um, wait, forget I said that…

Cartoon Network

Greg Ostertag

Brad Miller

Tim Duncan

Thanks for playing, Brad and Greg (and Damon “Mighty Mouse” Stoudamire), but Timmy is the clear winner here. A serious Dungeons & Dragons fanatic, Duncan has a tattoo of Merlin the Magician (his “alter-ego”) on his back, and another one of Skeleton Jester on his chest. According to the San Antonio Express-News, he actually wanted the back of his NBA jersey to read, “Merlin,” but was denied by the league.  The NBA — where amazing nerdiness happens!

Esoteric Chinese Characters

Shawn Marion

Marquis Daniels

Marcus Camby

We’ll need to consult the fantastic website hanzismatter.com for help with this one. Marion’s tat is supposed to read, “Matrix,” but the literal Chinese translation is “Demon Bird Moth Balls.” Similarly, Daniels’ tattoo is supposed to be of his initials (MAD), but turns out to mean “Healthy Woman Roof.” Camby somehow managed to get his message across correctly (his tattoos mean “strive to be the best” and “clan”), but he makes the cut over a few others for choosing Chinese characters because he “was into a lot of [kung fu] movies.”  His former Nuggets teammate, Kenyon Martin, has a tattoo that’s he thinks means “never satisfied,” but actually reads something a tad less noble: ”to worry about personal gains and losses.”  Daniels gets the prize here — only because he’ll make another appearance right about now…

Fun With Guns

Stephen Jackson

Marquis Daniels

Cherokee Parks

Once again, Daniels wins easily — his tattoo features a guy blowing his head off with a shotgun, while pulling the trigger with his toe. Um…yeah, not much to add here.  Jackson added a tattoo of a pair of praying hands holding a gun on his stomach — in hopes of never using a weapon again — and Parks has an inexplicable (but somehow fitting) gun-toting naked woman on his leg.

My Neck, My Back…

Jameer Nelson

DeShawn Stevenson

LeBron James

Back: It’s a close call, because Jameer Nelson’s 2Pac shout-out scores major points here. But I’m giving it to the originator, LeBron, whose hairy back needed to be waxed four times before that modest message could be applied.

Allen Iverson

Matt Barnes

Kenyon Martin

Neck:  If we’ve learned anything here, it’s that anyone who gets a neck tattoo is not messing around.  I’m going to declare this an unprecedented three-way tie.  Iverson has A LOT of tattoos, and all of them have special meanings, but Matt Barnes is giving AI a run for his money with his staggering collection of bodily art.  Not to be outdone, the pair of lips on Kenyon Martin’s neck are apparently dedicated to his girlfriend (not sure which one).  Dishonorable mention goes to Amare Stoudemire’s choice of lame nickname, which he tattooed in script, and Delonte West, who really creeps me out for some reason.

What’s My Name?

Richard Jefferson

Jason Williams

Mike Bibby

Another tough one. As much as I like the fact that Bibby (who really likes being tattooed) has not one, but two separate tats with his name (plus a couple of others that we’ll discuss shortly), I have to give this one to “White Chocolate.”  You can’t go wrong with a guy who spells out “white boy” across his knuckles.  Props to Jefferson for busting out his etch-a-sketch to make a design, and I’m obligated to mention Lonny Baxter’s shoulder initials, just so he won’t kill me…let’s move on.

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Cover-Up

Chauncey Billups

Mike Bibby

Mike Bibby

A second pair of tats from Bibby — he may not play in Sacramento anymore, but he’s still a King…of Bad Tattoos.  Look closely on the first one, and you’ll notice that yet another “Bibby” is covered up by the cross; the second one has “Tone R.I.P” within the net in memory of a friend, which is admirable, but doesn’t really make much sense.  Nonetheless, he loses out to Billups here.  Chauncey claims the “King of the Hill” tattoo is a reference to his old neighborhood, Park Hill.  Yet, it bears a striking resemblance to the logo of the team that drafted him back in 1997 — the Boston Celtics.  Hmm…is he actually fooling anyone?

Mr. Rodman, you have company…

Robert Swift: 2005

Robert Swift: 2006

Robert Swift: 2007

Honestly, I have no words…