Two Seattle Hipsters Discuss The Oklahoma City Thunder..
Hipster #1: Jersey Shore’s over. What else can we watch ironically?
Hipster #2: Let’s watch a sporting event.
Hipster #1: Oh my god, that would be hilarious. (more…)
Feb
09
2010
09
2010
Jan
07
2010
07
2010
BOOM-SHAKALAKA!!
Clintastic!
In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii. If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.
There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer. My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.
Without further ado, I present the three players – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis. I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves. Whoops, bad choice of words there.
(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson. Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)
Oct
26
2009
26
2009
Pistol Brandisher’s Wildly Western Conference
Pistol Brandisher & his faithful Injun sidekick Tex Mecks run down the Western Conference.. (more…)
Sep
17
2009
17
2009
Kevin Durant’s Gift Basket..
(Minnesota Timberwolf Damien Wilkins is visiting his former Thunder teammates in Oklahoma City..)
Durant: Damien! What’s up?
Wilkins: Hey, Kevin. I got this in the mail the other day.
Durant: A gift basket. Nice! You came all the way down to Oklahoma City to show off your basket?
Wilkins: Actually. This is kinda weird.. It’s for you.
Durant: Oh Damien, you shouldn’t have!
Wilkins: I didn’t. It’s from my Dad. (more…)
Jun
28
2009
28
2009
Is It the Shoes?
Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.
Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.
Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.
Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.
Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.
Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).
Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)
Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.
Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.
Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.
Quick Misses:
*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.
*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.
*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.
*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.
*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.
Apr
20
2009
20
2009
Dan Shaughnessy Sucks..
Hey! A Boston-area sports team lost! To the Shaughnessy-Mobile!
(Danny’s fatalism in bold, my insufferable homerism in plain.)
It Sure Felt Like The Beginning Of The End
Oh, we are off to a rousing start.
The Celtics’ playoff quest is just getting started, and it feels like it’s already over.
Dan Shaughnessy: Please. Hang. Yourself.
The Celtics don’t have Kevin Garnett and they are not going to repeat.
Well, at least Bob & Dan are on the same page about something.
They are in for a bloody death and it’s just a matter of who plays the executioner.
Wait, is he talking about the Globe?
It could be Cleveland or it could be Orlando.
Or Philadelphia or Detroit or Atlanta or Miami or any of the eight Western Conference teams, or perhaps even a wayward meteor..
But Chicago? The 41-41 Bulls?
As if!
The Celtics dropped a stinkbomb on North Station yesterday.
No, that was just Joakim Noah’s hair.
Coming out flatter than Tommy Heinsohn’s rookie haircut,
Now that’s the kind of reference that keeps the youth of America elbow-deep in newspaper ink and not turning to blogs for superior sports reporting! (Lowposts, notwithstanding..)
the champs lost the first game of their title defense, 105-103, in overtime against Chicago.
Remember draft night, 2007?
Bringing up bad memories. A Shaughnessy Staple.
That was when everybody around here was moaning about not getting Greg Oden or Kevin Durant and we were wondering what was the point of trading for Ray Allen?
Actually Dan, a lot of us were pumped about getting Allen; he being the best guard we’ve seen in Boston since the freaking Dee Brown era.
It was all doom and destruction.
Shaughnessy’s wife must be one happy, lucky lady.
A team with Paul Pierce, Allen, Rajon Rondo, and Kendrick Perkins? How good could the Celtics possibly be?
Better than the year before?
Say hello to your 2009 playoff team.
Hello.
Without Garnett, the Celtics yesterday looked like candidates for a first-round bounce, and coach Doc Rivers was steaming after the loss.
Ooh, I’m super-steamed! I just wanna slap somebody right on the cheeks!
“To think that we worked on transition ‘D’ for two days and the first play of the game [Joakim] Noah gets a dunk - now, that was extremely disappointing,” said Rivers. “You’d think, first playoff game, you’d be ready and up. And I just thought we kind of showed up and played the game. And then all of a sudden we got into a fight. And one thing I’d say about our guys, they join in. But at home, you’re supposed to start it.”
Next time: headbutt somebody in the nuts, Perk.
It was a tad embarrassing.
Tad Embarrassing. That would be my pen name if I wrote for the Globe.
The defending champs started this season 27-2. They won 19 consecutive games. They were indomitable at home and up until about three days ago we all thought they might make another magic run.
Fuck you, Dan. Some of us actually still believe in our team. If you’re gonna give up at the first sign of trouble, go root for the Mets.
But that was when Garnett was part of the picture. And now his absence is killing them, physically and emotionally.
Spiritually and psychologically.
Defensively and environmentally.
Structurally and Italy.
KG sat on the bench for the first half of the game. Then he was gone. Rivers didn’t like it when he was asked about Garnett leaving the scene. The ever-affable coach delivered a latter-day version of Rick Pitino’s infamous “not walking through that door” nutty.
Urban Dictionary tells me a ‘nutty’ is a hissy fit. The first & hopefully last time I will ever have to go to Urban Dictionary for a Shaughnessy article.
Seriously, is that a common term?
“Guys, Kevin is not playing in this playoffs,” said the good doctor, repeating what he first announced Thursday.
The Good Doctor.. Does he play for the Local Nine?
“I’m not answering Kevin Garnett questions.
He’s dead to me! DEAD!
“I didn’t even notice, honestly, until someone told me that he wasn’t on the bench, and I could care less.
He’s a poo-poo head! Phooey on him!
Hell, he was on the bench in the first half and we were down 8 points. So this is about the players in uniform.”
On the serious tip, Kevin Garnett is the most intense human being in the history of mankind. 
He takes spreading jelly on toast serious. He once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Getting KG to sit on a bench and watch his team play an intense first round playoff game is like getting a cracked-out lion on steroids to sit on a bench and watch his team play an intense first round playoff game. 
If I’m a Celtic roleplayer on the bench, I’m much more comfortable with KG pacing in the tunnel watching the game on a monitor than sitting next to me with a jitter-leg bouncing up & down. CUT IT OUT, JIMMY-LEGS!
To act like he just left the field like T.O. is an insult to the player that just won you a damn title a year ago. Whichever Boston reporter brought that shit up to Doc should be drawn & quartered at the corner of Brimmer & Mt. Vernon.
One of those players was Ray Allen, who looked older than baby Benjamin Button,
Because that’s a hit movie that everybody’s seen!
making 1 of 12 shots, scoring 4 points in 39 minutes. Another was Paul Pierce, who scored 23 but clanged a free throw that would have won it with 2.6 seconds left in regulation.
Way to clang it, Clangy!
Boston’s star of the day was Rajon Rondo (29 points, 9 rebounds, 7 assists), but he was countered by Rookie of the Year-in-waiting Derrick Rose, who scored 36 points with 11 assists. Part of the University of Memphis’s meltdown at the free throw line in last year’s NCAA championship game (which caused many sleepless nights for John Calipari),
And The Door..
Rose went 12 for 12 from the stripe against the Green.
Yeah, but how did he do against the Celtics?
Playing in his first NBA tournament game,
Who are you Dan, my wife?
“Oh, are you watching the NBA tournament? Why did they blow that whistle? Did he score a touchdown-goal?”
Rose was absolutely fearless.
Ditto for Noah, who snatched 17 rebounds. The Bulls were not intimidated.
Not even by Big Baby? He’s so doughy, he could give them a yeast infection. Heyo!
They were not afraid. And they shocked the Garden masses, who expect only victory when the Celtics play at home in the playoffs.
Masses: “Your performance was substandard to our expectations! We are angry masses! Raar!”
It’s always convenient to blame the officials when your team loses
Which I will..
- and Bennett Salvatore certainly had his moments -
…right there.
but Rivers wasn’t having any of that, either.
I ain’t havin’ none a dat, Shaqueesha! Hold my weave, I’m-a slap this bitch!
“Our guys were complaining, and it’s the first thing I squashed,” said the coach. “It ain’t the refs. The refs had nothing,
Nothing?
nothing to do with this game. It was us. And we’ve got to compete. We’ve got to play.”
We have to play offense & defense and sometimes both. We have to play basketball better than the other team plays basketball or we will lose basketball games!
Pierce said the fellows got an earful from their coach.
Better than a mouthful.
“He just didn’t feel like the sense of urgency was there,” said the captain.
I’d rather hear Tennille’s take on this loss.
“We understood that, so we have to expect a better game [in] Game 2 and the rest of the series now that we got hit in the mouth first game.”
The whole day was a horrid reminder of just how much Garnett changed everything. Nobody was fired up about a Boston team led by Pierce and Allen
Again, we were you stupid man. Anything’s better than Ricky Fucking Davis.
- and that’s when they had a fantastic young talent in Al Jefferson. Garnett is the man who made the Celtics champs. And now he is gone and this playoff quest feels doomed.
People wonder why newspapers are dying. Maybe it’s the air of negativity and pessimism surrounding everything they publish. Sports sections (the most important/popular part of any newspaper) across the nation are full of reporters who always try to find the negative in a story. They feel they aren’t producing unless they’re cutting down and exposing the evils of society (This coming from a guy ripping apart a reporter with a post full of negatives). I’m not saying we should live in Happy Disneyland; but maybe more people would read & enjoy the Globe if they employed some writers who inspired things in their readers, besides pitchforks & torches. Maybe they could sign some young talent that could write something looking ahead to the rest of the series and inciting the fans to get on their feet and believe in this team again. Maybe the Globe needs some damn positivity. A writer that looks ahead rather than behind. If you’re obsessed with bringing up the past, bring up the games we won last year in the spring, when it looked like we were on our way out. Go to celticsblog.com. Read Steve Weinman and the gang over there. Go to CelticsHub, Red’s Army; read those fellas. Maybe if these guys were getting paid to write for the Big Guy, the newspaper could at least tread water for a few more years. All Shaughnessy & Ryan do is cut down and spit on everything we New Englanders hold dear and believe in. We don’t have a lot. It’s cold & dreary half the time. The girls stay bundled up longer. All the industries that whole towns were built on are crashing down around us. Hell, most people think Maine’s in Canada. All we have are the Sox, Pats, Celts & Bruins. When they’re losing, we don’t need Shaughnessy & Ryan dwelling on every mistake and bad memory. I’d say, “Maybe if we ignore them, they’ll go away.” But that’s unrealistic. And then what would I do with this piece? The only solution to the newspaper problem is new blood. Instead of fighting the blogosphere and deriding it at every turn; embrace it and steal from it. The internet’s been stealing the best paper-men from you guys for years; it’s time to steal back. Or just go away and die. Your choice, Newspapers..
Once mighty and feared, the 2009 playoff Celtics are the Little Train That Could.
Sure, they can come back and beat the Bulls. First-round extinction remains unlikely.
Hey, some optimism! Hurrah! Hooray! Huzzah!
But the thrill is gone. No happy ending this time.
Nope, there it goes. Optimism out the window..
Cedric Maxwell, the ex-Celtic and team radio analyst, thinks he might have the answer.
A systematic carpet-bombing of the city of Chicago.
“I’ve got this stalker guy,” said Max.
In my mind!
“He’s about 47 years old and he followed me home the other night.
Doesn’t a stalker have to follow you home on more than one occasion to technically be considered a stalker?
He says he’s been hearing voices and that the voices are telling him he needs to play for the Celtics.
That narrows it down to every 47-year-old in the Greater Boston Area.
He keeps asking me for Wyc’s number and Danny’s number [managing partner Wyc Grousbeck and president Danny Ainge].
Danny’s sorta preoccupied at the moment, Stalker Guy.
He asked me if I’d pay for his mother’s apartment.
Blah! Blogger jokes!!!
“Then he showed up at my place and asked if I would shoot hoops with him.
Aww..
I keep telling him, ‘You can’t follow me home. I cannot help you.’
Help me, Cedric Maxwell. You’re my only hope!
But he says the voices are telling him to play for the Celtics. Imagine that story: ‘Max finds guy on street to replace KG.’ “
Wait a minute. Forty-seven years old. Nothing better to do than follow Cedric Maxwell around. Convinced he can still play..
GET AWAY FROM ME, CRAIG EHLO!! 
Rivers doesn’t want to hear about it. Garnett is not walking through that door. And as Game 1 demonstrated, the Celtics aren’t going anywhere. That’s what the voices in our own heads are telling us.
The voices in Dan’s head are saying, “Wow, it’s so roomy in here! I could move in my duvet!”
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com. 
~~~
Last week, Bob Ryan tells us to “stop whining.” This week, Dan Shaughnessy tells us there’s no hope. Next week, Dan-Bob Ryanessy explains how it would’ve been better if we had just let the British win..
Have some fuckin’ faith, Boston.
Apr
03
2009
03
2009
The 2009 NBA-NCAA Challenge Finally Four, Brought to you by Pepperidge Farm: #2 North Carolina Tar Heels vs. #6 Texas Longhorns
The 2009 NBA-NCAA Challenge Finally Four, Brought to you by Pepperidge Farm rolls on! Today, the #2 North Carolina Tar Heels face the #6 Texas Longhorns on Mercury. Thermometer joke! (more…)
Mar
25
2009
25
2009
The 2009 NBA-NCAA Challenge, Brought to you by Pepperidge Farm! 1st Round: #3 Arizona Wildcats vs. #6 Texas Longhorns
The 2009 NBA-NCAA Challenge, Brought to you by Pepperidge Farm, first round matchup between three-seed Arizona & six-seed Texas here on Saturn. That certainly has a ring to it!
Get it? Get it?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT?
Seriously, I can’t hear if you get it or not. Reception on Saturn friggin’ sucks. (more…)
Jan
04
2009
04
2009
UNI Vs: The NBA’s Biggest Rivalries
The NBA has been defined by rivalries since the beginning of time. Bulls vs. Pistons. Bird. vs ‘Nique. Knicks vs. Heat. Shaq vs. Kobe. Lakers vs. Celtics. LeBron vs. World Domination. Over the last few years, the playoffs have featured heated battles between the aging Spurs and run-and-gun Suns, the star-packed Wizards and the Cleveland LeBrons, and of course, the suddenly-dominant Celtics and the whiny Lakers. So what are the biggest rivalries of the 2008/09 season?
Bruce Bowen vs. Unsuspecting Ankles: Is it just me, or has it been a while since a player accused Bowen of being “dirty” and unsportsmanlike? Well, rest assured, because no season can be complete without The Ankle Breaker striking another victim. He’s like the NBA’s version of Dexter — the evil inside him can’t be contained for long…well, except that everyone knows about it and hates him.
Don Nelson vs. Fantasy Owners: With Mike Shanahan now out of the NFL, Nelson becomes the de facto coach that fantasy owners can’t stand. Making sense of the Warriors’ depth chart is like trying to figure out how Keanu Reeves is still headlining movies. Who’s getting the big minutes tonight? Anthony Morrow? Kelenna Azubuike? Marco Belinelli? Marcus Williams? Okay, probably not Marcus.
DeShawn Stevenson vs. the Skita Line: What’s the Skita line, you ask? Well, you may remember Nikoloz Tskitishvili from Part III of the McHale Files. What I somehow failed to mention, is that he actually had the worst shooting season in NBA history (.293 FG% in 81 games) — that’s right, even lower than Jason Kidd. Stevenson’s field goal percentage is slightly under 32% right now, and from the way he jacks up bad shots, the record is within reach.
Charles Barkley vs. Vice: So what that he’s not an NBA player anymore — Sir Charles knows how to par-tay with the best of ‘em. From countless DUI tickets and late-night binges, to occasionally soliciting prostitutes for oral sex, Barkley is a walking Law & Order episode. Tonight on NBC: Ripped from the headlines — a former basketball player can’t control his urges, and it leads…to murder in the casino! “I swear officer, I didn’t see nothing..but I’ll bet you I know who did it. Hey, are you gon’ finish that?.” This is turrible. (That last part wasn’t Charles speaking…that was me for coming up with that awful premise.)
Chris Bosh vs. Whoopi Goldberg: No, they don’t hate each other, and probably never even met. I’m talking about the hair. At first, Bosh’s ‘twisties’ were cool and different from the same old cornrows. But since he’s refused to cut his hair for the last few years, he’s started to look more and more like Whoopi. At the rate he’s going, Bosh could fill in for her on The View and no one would bat an eye. And come to think of it, Whoopi was an awesome coach in Eddie…this could actually work out well for both sides.
Brian Scalabrine vs. basketball: At some point, it stops being a joke — and this might be the year. Scal is currently shooting a career-best from the field (.417) and averaging the fewest turnovers per game of his eight (!) pro seasons. Okay, enough — I’ll never understand how he’s earning a sizable NBA paycheck, when skilled players are forced to go overseas or rot away in the D-League. He has to have incriminating photos of every GM in the NBA…that’s the only explanation.
Tracy McGrady vs. the 2nd Round: Say it with him now, “IT’S ON ME!”
Stephon Marbury vs. Mixed Metaphors: Stephon bears gifts for bloggers every time he opens his mouth. From not letting Mike D’Antoni “walk [his] dog across the street,” to getting “shot in the head by [his] own guys in [his] foxhole,” the Mr. Intern-Lover-Lover unleashes nuggets of wisdom with every breath. I can’t wait for him to get to Boston and start comparing four leaf clovers and leprechauns to the marshmallow shapes he found in his bowl of Lucky Charms.
Darius Miles vs. the Portland Trailblazers Salary Cap: If Miles plays in 10 games this season, the Blazers will be on the hook for his $9 million salary. He was cut by the Celtics before the season started, but lo and behold, he signed with the Grizzlies and played two minutes against Dallas. If only the Blazers still had Ruben Patterson — he’d know how to take care of this situation…or at least know someone who would.
Honorable Mention:
*Kevin Durant vs. the Weightroom
*Greg Oden vs. Osteoporosis
*Ron Artest vs. Sanity
Dec
29
2008
29
2008
The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ: The Thunder
The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of the NBA’s foremost Bubblicious bubble gum shill, Lebron James (try Lebron’s new Lightning Lemonade flavor!). All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized.
First up: The Oklahoma City Thunder.. (more…)
