www.lowposts.com

Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)

Key Offseason Additions: Tyreke Evans, Kevin Martin’s ankle, Omri Casspi, Jon Brockman, Eddie Murphy as “The Nutty Professor” Sean May, Desmond Mason, Francisco Garcia’s cast, Paul Westphal, Sergio Rodriguez

Why do the Kings love unathletic, white centers so much?

The Lowdown: Much like the Clippers and Warriors (Good God this division is awful), the Kings gave up a staggering 109.3 points per game, finished dead-last in opponents’ field goal percentage (48.3%), and committed the fifth-most turnovers in the league. Add in the fact that Sacramento played half the season without the services of one of the league’s best scorers in Kevin Martin, and were coached by Mike Brown’s evil twin, and suddenly 17 begins to actually sound impressive.

While Jason Thompson and Spencer Hawes should continue to improve, the Kings haven’t had a true low-post scoring threat since the days of Webber and Vlade. The front court depth is also alarmingly thin, with the ghost of Kenny Thomas and Sean May serving as the only backup big men (and yes, that’s the first and only time that “Sean May” and “thin” will be used in the same sentence).

It would be funny if Michael Scott broke his arm by having an exercise ball explode underneath his body on an episode of “The Office.” For a professional basketball team (well, in theory) coming off the worst season in franchise history, Francisco Garcia’s freak injury, which will sideline him for four months, is just disheartening. It’s still hard to believe that Eddy Curry’s ass has never destroyed a physio-ball…oh, wait.

The Good: Kevin Martin is finally healthy after rigorously working out during the offseason, and his return should be big shot in the arm for an anemic offense. While questions remain about Tyreke Evans’ ability to play the point, his athleticism, long wingspan and exceptional play-making skills should (hopefully) keep him on the floor in favor of Beno Udrih.  Although the team’s defense still leaves much to be desired, Evans, along with the recently-signed Desmond Mason, will help improve last season’s league-worst defensive unit.

After hiring an experienced and proven head coach in Paul Westphal and drafting a player who several experts believe could win Rookie of the Year, the Kings have clearly cemented themselves as contenders…for the first pick in the 2010 NBA Draft.  Let’s not kid ourselves — it’s going to be a long year in Sac-town.

Fantasy Sleeper Alert: Since Coach Westphal said he prefers Andres Nocioni to come off the bench, Garcia’s injury opens the door for second-year man Donte Greene or rookie Omri Casspi to play significant minutes off the bat, and possibly seize the starting small forward spot from the veteran Mason. Based on their performances in the preseason, Casspi (8 points per game, 7-8 FG) has the early edge. Let’s just hope he doesn’t get attacked by any vindictive exercise balls.

Prediction: 28-54 — 4th in Pacific Division, 13th in Western Conference

Since you can never get enough of LowPosts on your computer screen, check out our my second appearance on The Phoenix Pub podcast with First Derivative and James Brown.  Yep, ebooker and FEAST flaked as always.  Among the topics we discussed on the show, which can be found in the sidebar (Episode 7), as well downloaded on iTunes:

• Michael Beasley’s horrific tattoo and the curious timing of his “rehab”
• Could Allen Iverson become the Brett Favre of the NBA?
• Are the Denver Nuggets for real and is it really possible to get enough of watching the Birdman fly? (That was a rhetorical question, of course.)
• My uncomfortable man crush on Ricky Rubio…
• Taking bets on the disaster Isiah Thomas will inflict on Florida International
• Stephen Jackson’s trade request and the roots of his ever-growing insanity
• Five good minutes on the good guys of the NBA, including Tim James and Kevin Martin.

Last week’s look at the strangest NBA player free throw routines touched on a related topic — some of the league’s ugliest shots.  Now, keep in mind that an unorthodox shooting form, such as Reggie Miller’s jumper or even Rick Barry’s underhand free throws, doesn’t neccessarily have to be ugly. But let’s just say that you’d never want the following players to teach your kid how to shoot a basketball.

1. Chuck Hayes: It takes a special kind of ugly to knock Shawn Marion’s flick shot down to number two, but Hayes has earned that right. It would almost be cute if this was a video of a fourth-grader nervously shooting his free throws in front of a big crowd. But, no, this is an NBA player, and its downright disgraceful (although shockingly, he’s a 58% career foul shooter). Before it’s all said and done, he’ll shatter Anthony Mason’s record for most lane violations drawn.

2. Shawn Marion: I don’t think Marion needs an introduction here, since his name came to mind the second you read the title. He shoots the ball from below his shoulders, flinging the ball at the basket with his fingertips like a chest pass. It reminds me of someone playing hot potato with the basketball. But while it makes me cringe every time I see it, it’s also hard to argue with the results — Marion shoots a respectable 48% from the field and 34% from downtown.

3. Bill Cartwright:  How bad was Cartwright’s free throw form?  He retired in 1995, and Lil’ Wayne rapped about it a full decade later. Cartwright raises the ball with both of his arms outstretched, almost as if he’s about to shoot it underhanded, and then places it high over his head. He then goes into his two-handed release, just barely flicking his wrist on the follow-through. Amazingly, he once held the NBA record for most free throws made in a game without a miss (19).

4.  Jamaal Wilkes / Marcus Camby:  I’m grouping these two players together, since their forms are similar in a lot of aspects.  Most notably, each shoots from behind his head, resembling a projectile fired from a catapult.  Marcus Camby’s is slightly more pronounced, and he also takes the ball from the left side of his body, even though he’s a right-handed shooter. It feels like it takes a good 10 seconds for the ball to get from his hands to the rim.

5. Andris Biedrins: Biedrins has developed into a very solid player, perhaps even a borderline All-Star. But he really needs to work on that foul shooting stroke. Not only is his shot missing any semblance of an arc or backspin, but he also appears to just be pushing the ball forward with his left hand; there’s no visible guidance from his right hand whatsoever.  And I don’t think I’ve seen a player get on tippy-toes to reach the basket. Maybe that’s the way they teach it in Latvia?

6. Charles Barkley’s golf swing: Yeah, I know it doesn’t take place on the court, but here’s a Hall of Fame NBA player, an exceptionally coordinated professional athlete, hacking away on the golf course. I’ve barely even touched a club and I’m pretty sure I could do better than that. It brings back memories of watching Tony Batista take a couple of check swings at the plate before grounding out to third base. Or even the immortal Chuck Hayes at the foul line.

7. Josh Childress: Study that photo for a minute, and tell me if Childress’ form doesn’t go against everything you’ve ever learned about shooting a basketball. His right elbow sticks way out to the side, and he ends up releasing the ball with one arm, refusing to use his left hand for guidance. It’s like an ‘if they mated’ mash-up of Shawn Marion’s chest pass and Andris Biedrins’ one-handed push shot.

8. Kevin Martin: Martin is one of the best up-and-coming players in the NBA, but his shot is as awkward as they come.  The release at the top of his jumper appears to be almost picture-perfect, if only he didn’t shoot the ball from his side and swivel his hips as he stepped into his shot.  Please allow me this opportunity to relive past Sacramento Kings glory and watch him go coast to coast for an incredible buzzer-beater against the Spurs in the 2006 NBA Playoffs.

9. Joakim Noah: Noah is certainly no stranger to ugly (cheap joke, but it is what it is). At the free throw line, he puts both of his hands on the side of the ball, and practically passes it towards the rim, a la Marion. He kinda shoots the way I used to when I was eight years old and didn’t have the strength to release the ball with only my right hand. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any video, so here’s the Noah stock photo we had on file.

10. Ronnie Brewer: Stop me if you’ve heard this story before: Brewer broke his arm as a kid in a terrible accident and developed an unusual shooting style because he can no longer fully extend his right elbow. The funny thing is, his stroke is highly effective, as he’s shooting at a 53% clip through his first 2+ seasons in the NBA. Then again, judging from this official team highlight video, he only scores on driving lay-ups and uncontested dunks (shot at the 1:20 mark).

Quick Hits:

*Manute Bol: Sure, you remember Manute Bol. But do you remember Manute Bol shooting threes? It’s best that you don’t…

*Bo Outlaw: Bo would be ranked higher if I could find any video of his horrid jumper.

*Desmond Mason:  I saw him shoot free throws once and I don’t think I’ve been the same since.

*Shaquille O’Neal: obligatory.

The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of Lebron James, advertiser of the Lebronsketball (different colors to be released by 2010). All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.

Today: The Sacramento Kings.. (more…)

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)