I Think This Says, “One Of Us Has AIDS,” In Portuguese..
Aug
11
2009
11
2009
Aug
10
2009
10
2009
Jul
13
2009
13
2009
Bob Ryan Also Sucks..
Over the weekend, Bob Ryan wrote an article about the Celtics’ acquisition of Rasheed Wallace. The word ‘thug’ was not used. The word ‘technical’ was not used. The word ‘diet’ was not used. The word ‘facesplosion’ was not used.
Let’s hurt his feelings anyway..
Winning At Home Has New Meaning
Now it means losing.
WALTHAM - Rasheed Wallace has been around and back again.
He is such a slut.
He figured it would be the standard executive sales pitch.
“It was definitely great,’’ he explains.
It was definitely not good.
It was definitely great.
“I went around the little conference room
He can’t even leave Detroit without belittling the size of their conference room? No class.
and I saw them there. I really wasn’t expecting them.’’
In hindsight, I should’ve worn pants.
And it wasn’t as if Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen just happened to be in the neighborhood.
‘Cause nobody fuckin’ goes to Detroit.
There was some serious schedule rearranging going on.
Wasn’t that an Elvis song? “Whole Lotta Schedule Rearrangin’ Goin’ On”
“Me, Danny, and Wyc,’’ says Doc Rivers. “We’re not really the Big Three.’’
The head coach, the executive director of basketball operations/general manager, and the managing partner/governor
Franchises have governors? Do they have state’s rights too? Can Big Baby get an abortion if Tyrus knocks him up?
do wield a bit of power in the organization. Let’s not get carried away.
I don’t think you’ll ever have to worry about that, Bob. Forklifts have payload limits.
But if you’re a 34-year old veteran of 14 NBA seasons, are you going to be more influenced by a coach, a GM, and a businessman or by a trio of ring-bearing veterans who are here to tell you that joining forces with them to play some high-level basketball is going to make for a very fulfilling experience, and might even produce another championship ring for your collection?
Ring-bearing veterans!
Ring-bearing veterans!
We have our answer.
Ring-bearing veterans!
That was indeed Rasheed Wallace sitting underneath the 1957 and 1959 championship banners at the Celtics’ HealthPoint practice facility yesterday.
‘Cause there ain’t no room in the garden for every championship banner..
/cracks knuckles
//reclines in desk chair
///falls on ass
He was being introduced to the world
TO THE WORLD!
as the newest member of the Boston Celtics.
I’ll always remember where I was for the Rasheed Wallace Boston press conference. I’ll admit I got alittle teary-eyed when John Mayer came out and did an acoustic version of “Ball Don’t Lie.”
And this is a man who had choices once the season ended.
He could’ve gotten a sex change.
He could’ve gone back in time and fought in the Civil War.
He could’ve exploded.
He tells us, in fact, there were five places where he thought he could be playing next season: San Antonio, Dallas, Cleveland, Orlando, and Boston.
Boston, he says, made the most sense.
Fucks yeah, it did.
“I felt as though this was a good fit,’’ he explains.
The thong doesn’t hug the junk too much. Lets ‘em breathe..
“One thing these guys do is play defense.
Another thing these guys do is play offense.
Sometimes they do both.
During basketball games.
And they have a team scheme.
TEAM SCHEME!
The bottom line is that they play to win, and that is pretty much what swayed me to come here.’’
Stupid other teams, playing to lose.
This is a man who knows he’s wanted.
Dead or Alive.
(guitar solo)
He’s not the fifth choice, the fourth choice, the third choice, or the first runner-up.
He’s the second runner-up. Which, I guess, would make him the third choice..
“When the season ended we looked at the free agent list, and the name that popped up right away was Rasheed Wallace,’’ says Rivers.
Shouldn’t've bought that pop-up free agent list.
“It was clear for our team that who he was, and how he plays, he was the perfect fit for our team.’’
Him?
Rivers, Danny Ainge, and Wyc Grousbeck were perfectly capable of delivering that message, checkbook in hand.
Sheed only takes cash, though.
But Danny reasoned it wouldn’t hurt to take out an insurance policy.
On his heart!
Ba dum chh!!
He had three pretty satisfied employees on his payroll and he asked them if they wouldn’t mind turning back the clock a bit and acting as if they were in college (KG could pretend)
Cuz he dumb.
and the coach was bringing in Mr. All-State from somewhere on his recruiting visit. You know, lay it on a little.
Like Bob does with Dijonaise on his morning toast.
Tell him how much you’d like to play with him, and don’t forget to mention how great the fans and city are, too.
You know, lie a little.
“I think us being there really made a statement to him,’’ maintains Ray Allen. “A player can hear things from Danny and Doc, but he heard it from our mouths, face to face.’’
Starring Tom Skerritt.
Doc likes the college recruiting analogy.
Ubuntu U?
“I talk to John Calipari a lot,’’ Rivers says,
Alienating his entire fanbase in one fell swoop.
“and when I told him what was happening he said, ‘Just make sure you don’t leave the campus without his commitment.’ And he never did go to another campus.’’
Ainge, the orchestrator of this whole thing, is now downplaying it.
Rasheed? Meh, he sucks.
“I don’t think that was the difference,’’ he insists. “He was on an emotional high right afterward, but he didn’t make his decision for a few days. I think it came down to who these guys are on the court. He had witnessed it from afar, and he wanted to be part of it.’’
He wanted to be a part of our old, injured action.
The GM also claims there is nothing very unusual about players being part of personnel discussions, at least in Boston.
“Red [Auerbach] would talk with Larry [Bird], Kevin [McHale], and DJ [Dennis Johnson] about players,’’ Ainge says. “We would all say, ‘We don’t want to play with this guy,’ or “We’d like to play with that guy.’ ’’
And then he’d just go out and sign some white guy, anyway.
Red was always ahead of the curve. The main reason he plucked Don Nelson off waivers was that Tom Heinsohn, among others, told Red they did not like to play against him.
He was always trying to bite us and screaming “Nnnnnellie Ball!” And don’t get near that guy at a cockfight.
But that was Red, and this is Boston. It’s not like that everywhere, as he knows, Doc knows, and the players know.
And you know. And I know. And the moon knows. Goodnight, moon.
This organization sees the management-player relationship as a partnership.
LOL, gay..
“They understand our needs and we understand their needs,’’ Allen says.
Goodness!
In all candor, it’s easy for everyone to say this now, one championship later. It wasn’t all that long ago that Pierce was afraid he’d be playing out his career as the best player on a bad, or, at best, mediocre, team. Then Ainge was able to trade for Allen, and thus KG, who would never have remotely entertained a move to Boston otherwise, agreed to come here and - Voila! - a Big Three and championship No. 17.
You might even say that anything is possible.
Now Paul, KG, and Ray are senior members of the firm, and are included in policy planning.
Teehee! It’s like their businessmen!
“My belief is that players know a lot,’’ Ainge says.
Oh, Danny! What a card!
“They’re bright, very bright.
He’s on a roll!
They have great insights.
I’d be stupid not to listen to Kevin, Paul, and Ray. I may not always agree, but I’ve got to listen.’’
You know, Ubuntu and all that shit.
There weren’t any disputes on this one. The Big Three wanted Rasheed. The coach, the GM, and the managing partner wanted Rasheed. And Rasheed decided that joining the Celtics was likewise in his best interest.
“He was only going to a team he thought could win,’’ Rivers says. “So I hope he’s right. I hope he’s a good talent evaluator.’’
Because if he isn’t, HE’S FUCKIN’ FIRED!
But those other teams are all pretty good. There was really only one big thing separating them.
“San Antonio, Cleveland, Orlando, none of those other teams brought players,’’ points out Allen.
And that’s a fact.
And that’s..
Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist and host of Globe 10.0 on Boston.com. He can be reached at ryan@globe.com. 
~~~
Welp. Another Bob Ryan drivelin’ devil down. I was shocked & mildly appalled that Bob Ryan wasn’t shocked & mildly appalled by the ‘Sheed trade. But I guess, after last season, as a Celtics fan you’ll talk yourself into a lotta things. I just hope next season we stay a little more healthy and nobody gets sick. Because that could be…
…fatal.
Jun
17
2009
17
2009
Dan Shaughnessy Sucks..
Fifty-eight days since the last Dan Shaughnessy basketball column. He hasn’t written since Game 1 of the Chicago series when he proclaimed the Boston Celtics season officially over.
Fifty-eight days! 58! Did he fall in a well?
This week, Dan congratulates Lakers fans in the classiest way he knows how. By shitting on their parade.
Even the most diehard of Celtics fans begrudgingly gave Lakers fans their due respect. Not ‘Ol Danny Boy, though!
To the FJM/BDD plagiarism! (more…)
Mar
09
2009
09
2009
The Inevitable End of an Era..
(The Warriors are hanging out in their practice gym, thinking about the future..)
Watson: Okay, we’re tenth in the West. Only two spots out of the playoffs and seventeen games behind the eight-seed Mavs. Corey, you went to Duke; what do we have to do to make the playoffs?
Maggette: (clicks buttons on calculator, adjusts spectacles, calculator explodes in Corey’s face) Good heavens!
Biedrins: Playoffs?
Watson: (looks down glumly) No Andris, no playoffs.
Maggette: ‘Fraid not, old chum!
Jackson: Mothafucka, this yo fault!
Ellis: (pouts) Sorry.. (breaks hip)
(Coach Nelson comes careening into the gym and hucks a basketball directly at Monta’s face..)
Nelson: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnellie ball!!!!!!!!! (more…)
Mar
02
2009
02
2009
Bob Ryan Also Sucks..
Bob Ryan sucks, Bob Ryan sucks, Bob Ryan sucks, bla bla bla…
No time for lenghty intros today. Bob Ryan wrote two Marbury defenses this weekend, so I decided to mash them into one big ol’ Ryan-bashing; ’cause I’m too lazy for multiple posts..
On to the windbaggery! (more…)
Feb
15
2009
15
2009
The McHale Files: Part IV (Worst Coaches)
There wasn’t supposed to be a fourth part in this series, but Kevin McHale wasn’t supposed to become one of the league’s best coaches. Sure, he had a successful
stint at the end of the 2004/05 season (19-12), but that team was a year removed from a conference finals appearance. The 2008/09 Timberwolves were 4-15 before McHale took over, and have gone 13-19 ever since. Remarkably, at one point in January, Minnesota was one of the hottest teams in the league, winning 10 out of 12 games. Maybe the Knicks should’ve just let Isiah coach — oh, right. While it’s too soon to tell if McHale’s poor performance as a GM was at least partly due to the team’s coaches (I wonder who’s in charge of hiring those guys?), he won’t find himself on this list anytime soon. Here are the worst coaches of the McHale era (1995-2008), ranked based on record, decision-making, and expectations.
1. Tim Floyd (93-231, .287): Perhaps not even Phil Jackson could muster more than 13 wins out of the 
1998/99 Bulls featuring the likes of Rusty LaRue, Kornell David, and Dickey Simpkins (Basketball Reference insists these are real NBA players). But the Elton Brand and Ron Artest-led team went 17-65 the following season, and then regressed to only 15 wins the year after. Floyd mercifully resigned after a 4-21 start in 2001/02; he was subsequently fired after a 41-41 campaign with the 2003/04 Hornets. Fun facts: he was playfully known as “Pink” Floyd by the Chicago media, and once lashed out at being called “Jerry [Krause]’s boy.”
2. Rick Pitino (102-146, .411) Pitino was the Celtics’ anointed savior after signing a 10-year, $50 million contract to be the GM and head coach. He vowed that he’d lead
the Celtics back to the playoffs within 3 years…but hit a snag when Larry Bird, Kevin McHale (isn’t it ironic?), and Robert Parish didn’t walk through that door. In classy move in 1999, Pitino admitted that he would’ve never taken the job if he knew he wouldn’t draft Tim Duncan. He threatened to quit at the end of that season, as well as the next one, before resigning in January of 2001. The C’s never won more than 36 games in his 3+ seasons, and he further alienated players through his incompetency as a GM (see Travis Knight signing, trading rookie Chauncey Billups for Kenny Anderson’s mega contract, etc.).
3. Mike Woodson (137-243, .361): Woodson’s Hawks went 13-69 in 2004/05, but yet he stuck around
through three more losing seasons. Atlanta reached the playoffs in 2007/08 with just 37 victories — and a roster stacked with lottery picks, mind you — which saved Woodson from getting the axe. The local writers called him the the worst coach in Atlanta sports history, and he’s admitted to having a tough time managing this starters’ minutes (that might be important for a head coach). The Hawks are 31-21 at the All-Star break, but I can’t help but wonder if Atlanta would be among the NBA’s elite if they had a halfway decent coach.
4. P.J. Carlesimo (204-296, .408): Take away his three seasons with the Blazers, and Carlesimo’s winning percentage
drops to a Floyd-esque .263. Carlesimo bombed in Golden State, where he ran into conflicts with management and wasn’t respected by the players. You might be even say, he choked under the pressure (sorry, I couldn’t resist). He won 19 games in his first year, 2 in his second, and was fired after a 6-21 start in 1999/00. He resurfaced with Seattle a staggering eight years later, and guided the team to the worst record in franchise history (20-62). The Thunder were off to a league-worst 1-12 record when he was fired in November, and have gone 12-28 under interim-coach Scott Brooks.
5. Sam Mitchell (156-189, .452): Once voted the worst coach in the league in a poll 
of 248 NBA players, Mitchell became notorious for his head-scratching lineups, questionable substitution patterns, and inability to call timeouts in key situations. But I’ll give credit where it’s due — the man sure knew how to rock a designer suit. Interestingly enough, he was named Coach of the Year in 2007 while the Toronto fans were calling for his head, and he was dismissed a little over a year later. That day was declared a Canadian national holiday.
6. Brian Hill (248-283, .467): Yes, Hill is a three-time 50-game winner in Orlando, where he stood
back and watched Shaq and Penny lead the Magic to NBA Finals in 1995. But he was also a terrible decision maker on the sidelines and botched many games for a supremely talented team. And of couse, he was notoriously disliked by his players, to the point where Penny and company demanded that that he be fired after a players’ only meeting. He then compiled an uninspiring 31-123 record in two+ years with the Grizzlies, before coming back to Orlando in 2005. The Magic went 40-42 games in his final season, and then improved by 12 games under Stan Van Gundy.
7. Bill Hanzlik (11-71, .134): Hanzlik’s first and only head coaching season came 
with 1997/98 Denver Nuggets, who came within two games of tying the 1972/1973 Philadelphia 76ers for the worst record in NBA history. Don’t get me wrong, 11 wins is horrific no matter how you cut it, but I mean, would you be able to pick five of these players out of a lineup? From the useless stat department: Handzlik holds the NBA record for fewest wins in full season by a rookie coach. I’m sure he pops the champagne whenever a new coach wins his 12th game.
8. Lon Kruger (69 -122, .361): Kruger is another example a good collegiate coach 
who wasn’t cut out for the NBA (damn the Hawks for playing on Philips Drive, so I can’t make a Nightmare of Elm Street reference!). He was over-matched on the sidelines, and faced disconnect and a lack of respect from his players. After the Hawks won 33 games in his second season, Kruger guaranteed season-ticket holders a $125 refund if the Atlanta wouldn’t make the playoffs next year. Kruger was fired after an 11-16 start…but at least some people got paid.
9. John Lucas (79-209, .274): Lucas was coming off 55-win season with the Spurs 
in 1993/94, where his successor, Bob Hill won 62 games the following season. Hired as the coach and GM of the 76ers (this never fails), Lucas won 24 and 18 games, respectively, in his two seasons in Philly. He won 29 games with Cleveland in 2001, but was fired after failing to show progress with a young team in the midst of a disastrous 8-34 start in 2002/03. Then again, his efforts translated into a league-worst 17-65 record, which landed the Cavs LeBron James. So, there’s that.
10. Eric Musselman (108-138 , .439): While he led the Warriors to their most successful two-year stint 
in 12 years, “Mussel-head” — Erick Dampier’s affectionate nickname — didn’t impress players with his gameplan or rotation, and his lone season in Sacramento is enough to put him over the top like Lincoln Hawk. After wooing the Maloofs with a PowerPoint slideshow (hey, I’m good at those, too!), Muss was arrested for a DUI in the preseason and never gained the players’ trust. He’s responsible for the Kings’ downfall after leading Sacramento to its worst season in nine years, and plus he’s somehow dating the lovely Danyelle Sargent — come on!
Dishonorable Mention:
*M.L. Carr (48-116, .293): C’s tanked to get Duncan
*Randy Wittman (100-207, .326): His GM helped…
*Brian Winters (36-148, .196): coached expansion Vancouver
*Don Chaney (100-166, .376)
*John Calipari (72-112, .391):
*Mike Dunleavy (437-486, .473): I dont want to step on Bill Simmons territory…
Jan
25
2009
25
2009
Legendary NBA Commercials
As much as I like a few current NBA player commercials, such as the Charles Barkley and Dwyane Wade T-Mobile spots, they just don’t have the same charm as the late ’80s and mid-’90’s classics. Today’s generation of NBA stars dream of being actors and global icons, and as a result, the more polished and better-written advertisements often end up being less interesting and memorable. Instead of showcasing the ‘best’ commercials of all-time, here’s a list of the funniest ones ever made.
1. Larry Bird, Chardon Jeans: I don’t think it’s possible to have a more awesome commercial where the star doesn’t even have to say a word. You gotta love the grinding roller-skating waitresses and cheesy ’80’s music, but is Bird’s ass pressed up against the arcade game supposed to sell jeans? When did the hick from French Lick become a sex symbol? This Celtics restaurant ad deserves to be mentioned here, too, if only we had better quality.
2. Magic Johnson, Kentucky Fried Chicken: We already know that Magic’s attempt at a late-night talk show failed miserably, and that was after he took speech lessons. It’s actually hard to understand how his on-the-court charisma never translated to the camera. There are quite a few awful Magic commercials from the late ’80’s and early ’90’s, but this absurd KFC ad is my favorite, just barely edging out his anti-drug PSA, “Don’t Foul Out!” Can you tell he’s reading cue-cards?
3. Shaquille O’Neal, All-Sport: Shaq commercials could take up the next seven spots, since he had several terrible Pepsi ones, and this borderline-homoerotic Taco Bell ad with Hakeem Olajuwon (whoever thought this was a good idea should be fired). But the All-Sport one takes the cake for being so corny and badly out-dated, and plus, is it just me, or does the ball not even go in on Shaq’s over-the-shoulder, full court shot at the end? They couldn’t even get that right?
4. Larry Johnson, Converse: I had a Larry Johnson “Grandmama” poster on my wall as a kid, and I remember my mom thinking it was really weird. Looking back back now, I couldn’t agree more. I mean, why in the world would you dress up an NBA superstar as an elderly drag-queen, and does anyone understand what’s going on in these commercials? It’s just laughably bad, and I’m getting more and more creeped out every time I play it. Let’s move on.
5. Gheorge Muresan, Snickers: One of few intentionally funny commercials on the list, this Muresan spoof on Michael Jordan cologne is absolutely brilliant — major props to the big man for being such a good sport. There’s another Muresan ad that my friends and I loved, where he misses a shot and then says, “Score one for the kids!” I would honestly buy anything this hilarious man tried to sell me…well, except a copy of “My Giant.”
6. Vince Carter, Nike: Another head-scratcher — Vince Carter doing cartwheels and somersaults down the street in a Craig Sager-esque purple suit, rescuing a cat out of a tree and shooting it back to the owner like a fade-away jumper…makes perfect sense to me. And did Joe Budden need cash that badly to provide the music? It’s too bad it cuts off after 59 seconds, and we don’t get to see Carter falling to the floor and clutching his leg in agony for the next 15 minutes.
7. Darryl Dawkins, Wheaties: This would’ve been higher on the list if Mr. Chocolate Thunder had more than just a single bar to rap — a gimmick which of course, never fails when it comes to athletes — but he makes the most of what he’s given. If I’m not mistaken, the line is, “Before I slam my gorilla dunkies, I get the eaties for my Wheaties.” Oh, just imagine the comedy if only Dawkins had decided to venture out into a music career…then again, he’d still be better than Shaq or Kobe.
8. Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, Mark Aguirre, Bernard King, Larry Bird, Converse: Speaking of NBA players trying to rap, this classic Converse commercial features several ’80’s stars showing off their funky flows about the Converse Weapon. Shockingly, Kevin McHale comes the closest to actually being on-beat, while Bird doesn’t even try to rap and flat-out says his lines. And no, I have no idea what Magic is trying to do here either.
9. Penny Hardaway, Nike: I’m sure everyone loved these Lil’ Penny commercials back in the day, which featured Chris Rock’s voice and appearances from Tyra Banks (back when she was damn fine) and Spike Lee. They were all pretty funny — I’m guessing limited dialogue for Penny and a professional comedian helped a little. I remembering thinking it was so cool to say Lil’ Penny’s lines on the basketball court…I regret that decision now.
10. Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, McDonalds: No list would be complete with this classic, which is arguably the most famous NBA commercial ever made. Two legends playing a crazy game of horse is enough to warrant a chuckle by itself, but Bird’s, um, “acting” — it’s not a coincidence that he lands in three of the top ten — and Jordan’s ridiculous shirt pattern take it to another level. Oh, and I’m not sure why, but the voice-overs in this Spanish version just kill me.
Honorable Mention:
*Dominique Wilkins, Danny Ainge, Byron Scott, Doc Rivers, Nike: Which name doesn’t belong?
*Charles Barkley, Reebok: Not really sure what’s going on here…
*David Robison and Gary Payton, Nike: ‘The Glove’ always comes through.
*Shawn Kemp, Reebok: Similar to the Barkley one, but even more confusing.
*Brent Barry, HEB: It’s a local ad, but wow…
*Classic Sprite: No NBA players, but it’s still one of the funniest basketball-themed ads ever.
Jan
06
2009
06
2009
The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ: The Timberwolves
The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of Lebron James, now in vinyl-form! (He looks like a ProStars character) All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.
Today: The Minnesota Timberwolves (more…)
Jan
04
2009
04
2009
UNI Vs: The NBA’s Biggest Rivalries
The NBA has been defined by rivalries since the beginning of time. Bulls vs. Pistons. Bird. vs ‘Nique. Knicks vs. Heat. Shaq vs. Kobe. Lakers vs. Celtics. LeBron vs. World Domination. Over the last few years, the playoffs have featured heated battles between the aging Spurs and run-and-gun Suns, the star-packed Wizards and the Cleveland LeBrons, and of course, the suddenly-dominant Celtics and the whiny Lakers. So what are the biggest rivalries of the 2008/09 season?
Bruce Bowen vs. Unsuspecting Ankles: Is it just me, or has it been a while since a player accused Bowen of being “dirty” and unsportsmanlike? Well, rest assured, because no season can be complete without The Ankle Breaker striking another victim. He’s like the NBA’s version of Dexter — the evil inside him can’t be contained for long…well, except that everyone knows about it and hates him.
Don Nelson vs. Fantasy Owners: With Mike Shanahan now out of the NFL, Nelson becomes the de facto coach that fantasy owners can’t stand. Making sense of the Warriors’ depth chart is like trying to figure out how Keanu Reeves is still headlining movies. Who’s getting the big minutes tonight? Anthony Morrow? Kelenna Azubuike? Marco Belinelli? Marcus Williams? Okay, probably not Marcus.
DeShawn Stevenson vs. the Skita Line: What’s the Skita line, you ask? Well, you may remember Nikoloz Tskitishvili from Part III of the McHale Files. What I somehow failed to mention, is that he actually had the worst shooting season in NBA history (.293 FG% in 81 games) — that’s right, even lower than Jason Kidd. Stevenson’s field goal percentage is slightly under 32% right now, and from the way he jacks up bad shots, the record is within reach.
Charles Barkley vs. Vice: So what that he’s not an NBA player anymore — Sir Charles knows how to par-tay with the best of ‘em. From countless DUI tickets and late-night binges, to occasionally soliciting prostitutes for oral sex, Barkley is a walking Law & Order episode. Tonight on NBC: Ripped from the headlines — a former basketball player can’t control his urges, and it leads…to murder in the casino! “I swear officer, I didn’t see nothing..but I’ll bet you I know who did it. Hey, are you gon’ finish that?.” This is turrible. (That last part wasn’t Charles speaking…that was me for coming up with that awful premise.)
Chris Bosh vs. Whoopi Goldberg: No, they don’t hate each other, and probably never even met. I’m talking about the hair. At first, Bosh’s ‘twisties’ were cool and different from the same old cornrows. But since he’s refused to cut his hair for the last few years, he’s started to look more and more like Whoopi. At the rate he’s going, Bosh could fill in for her on The View and no one would bat an eye. And come to think of it, Whoopi was an awesome coach in Eddie…this could actually work out well for both sides.
Brian Scalabrine vs. basketball: At some point, it stops being a joke — and this might be the year. Scal is currently shooting a career-best from the field (.417) and averaging the fewest turnovers per game of his eight (!) pro seasons. Okay, enough — I’ll never understand how he’s earning a sizable NBA paycheck, when skilled players are forced to go overseas or rot away in the D-League. He has to have incriminating photos of every GM in the NBA…that’s the only explanation.
Tracy McGrady vs. the 2nd Round: Say it with him now, “IT’S ON ME!”
Stephon Marbury vs. Mixed Metaphors: Stephon bears gifts for bloggers every time he opens his mouth. From not letting Mike D’Antoni “walk [his] dog across the street,” to getting “shot in the head by [his] own guys in [his] foxhole,” the Mr. Intern-Lover-Lover unleashes nuggets of wisdom with every breath. I can’t wait for him to get to Boston and start comparing four leaf clovers and leprechauns to the marshmallow shapes he found in his bowl of Lucky Charms.
Darius Miles vs. the Portland Trailblazers Salary Cap: If Miles plays in 10 games this season, the Blazers will be on the hook for his $9 million salary. He was cut by the Celtics before the season started, but lo and behold, he signed with the Grizzlies and played two minutes against Dallas. If only the Blazers still had Ruben Patterson — he’d know how to take care of this situation…or at least know someone who would.
Honorable Mention:
*Kevin Durant vs. the Weightroom
*Greg Oden vs. Osteoporosis
*Ron Artest vs. Sanity
