In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii. If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.
There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer. My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.
Without further ado, I present the three players – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis. I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves. Whoops, bad choice of words there.
(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson. Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.) (more…)
It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!
Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)
Nine days ago, Bob slurped Doc’s son. But not his other son, who sucks. This week, it’s Eddie House slurping time. I’ve been guilty of this as well but hey, I’m not a fat load. But I do drop fat loads..
Now that’s what I call Nightmare Fuel.
To the mockery van!
At Last, Eddie Is Steadied
HARTFORD - Eddie has found a home.
Well, that’s a relief. I was beginning to get worried about him..
I mean, really. It was getting ridiculous.
He was living in a cardboard box! What a maroon!
After spending his first three years in Miami, Eddie House hit the road,
Begrudgingly.
playing for six teams in four years,
Slut.
always good enough to be wanted but never good enough to be considered indispensable.
So he was unindispensable? Inindispensable?
And it would be an exaggeration to say that he is indispensable.
What I’m trying to say is he’s been released.
But he is beginning his third year as a Boston Celtic for the very simple reason that he is a specialist who knows exactly who he is
Eddie House.
and who he isn’t,
Eddie Money.
and that clearly appeals to Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers.
That’s why they got rid of Mikki Moore. He thought he was Eddie Money.
“I don’t care how many snakes you have, you’re no rock star!”
“Boy, he can shoot, and he scares the hell out of other teams,’’ declares Rivers. “He used to scare the hell out of me when I was coaching elsewhere. I kid him that he’s on the All-Scare Team.’’
Rude thing to say to Shelden William’s face.
There are no secrets with Eddie.
He told everyone about my secret crush!
Mr. House doesn’t enter the game seeking to assess the game temperature or flow or tempo, or any of that stuff. When Eddie comes into the game, the ball is going up.
Send me in, Coach! I’m just gonna start huckin’ it!
“He knows his role,’’ says Rivers, “and his teammates know his role. They do whatever they can to free him up.’’
They will KILL for him!
Eddie House is a proven jump shooter. Everyone in the league knows that.
Except for Ruben Patterson, ’cause he’s a friggin’ idiot.
Patterson: Hey, man. Feelings!
But there is a second reason that helps explain why Eddie House’s nationwide perambulations
Bob Ryan’s column today has been brought to you by Thesaurus.com, for all your thesaurusing needs.
(Miami to Los Angeles (Clippers) to Charlotte to Milwaukee to Sacramento to Phoenix to New Jersey) finally ceased when he came to Boston.
Right when he was getting settled in New Jersey!
Danny Ainge is a paid-up member of his fan club.
Unfortunately, to be a member of the Eddie House Fan Club, you have to pay in heart attacks.
“First of all, I fell in love with Eddie when he was in college,’’ Ainge says.
Curry: lol, gay.
It seems that Eddie House was playing for Arizona State while Danny was playing and coaching in Phoenix. “I watched him play at Arizona State. He’s definitely a guy I’d pay to watch play. And I followed his NBA career closely.’’
A little too closely..
“I knew he was at a lot of our games,’’ says House,
I mean legally he had to tell me. Least that’s what the judge said.
who had 11 points and 4 assists in Boston’s 106-90 exhibition dispatch of the Toronto Raptors at the XL Center last night. “He used to sit courtside.
..under the bleachers.
I’d see him and it would inspire me.
..to hire security.
I’d say, ‘Man, if he’s here to see me, maybe I can play in the league.’ ’’
..and get raped by Danny Ainge.
Eddie House is not a great player.
HE’S THE GREATEST PLAYER!
He is a great shooter.
And a great dinosaur.
House: Raar! Houseasaurus!
He has never averaged 10 points a game, in part because he has never averaged 20 minutes a game. He’s a 6-foot-1-inch shooting guard masquerading, on occasion, as a point guard. His job is to enter the game and change it with long-range jumpers, almost every one of which is fired up from about 2 feet in front of the 3-point arc to 2 feet behind it.
He just happens to be very good at it. Last year, for example, he shot .444 from the 3-point line, or .001 lower than his overall average. The Celtics would gladly take that again.
“He’s a scary shooter,’’ Ainge says (no, he and Doc did not compare notes).
They both called him a scary shooter independently of one another!!!
And neither man has ever met!
“Eddie can shoot as well as anybody in the game. He’s right there with a Ray Allen, that kind of guy. But he’s not as big, so he doesn’t get his shot off as easily. But no one has a quicker trigger.’’
I hear Delonte’s a pretty quick shot..
Eddie’s technique is something young players should study.
But not with their briefs around their ankles like Danny Ainge studies.
“He’s very sound technically,’’ says Ainge, who knows a thing or two about shooting. “He has a very consistent rotation. The ball comes off his hand very consistently.
(additional Danny Ainge gay joke)
“He’s also what I call a ‘hop shooter,’ ’’ Ainge continues.
A kangaroo assassin, if you will.
“There aren’t very many ‘hop shooters.’ By that I mean he jumps off the floor with both feet. Most guys are what I call a ‘step-step’ shooter. But he hops into it. The last really good hop shooter I remember was Ricky Pierce.’’
You mean THIS Ricky Pierce??
All this was evident in his other stops, for sure. But there appears to be a particular resonance on this team. I guess that’s what they mean by a “fit.’’
No other GM’s penis would suffice.
Perhaps it’s because, as much as he is framed as a shooter, Eddie House isn’t one-dimensional.
That would explain his existence in reality. I thought he was just a cartoon. Like you, Bob Ryan!
The Celtics do appreciate other things about him.
Got a real sweet ass.
It really goes back to draft day. The entire basketball world knew Eddie House could score. The man had 61 in an NCAA game, after all. But because he’s 6-1, and not really a point guard, people didn’t know what to do with him.
A smaller player who can really shoot and score at will. WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO WITH THIS MAN?
“It’s what we do in this business,’’ Ainge explains. “We focus on what people can’t do instead of what they can do.’’
It’s true.
Lebron:
Can’t avoid the spotlight.
Kobe:
Can’t take no for an answer.
Zach:
Can’t believe it’s not butter.
“He’ll never make the All-Defense Team,’’ says Rivers. “But he plays hard all the time. He competes. He fits for us. He clearly understands what he has to do to stay on the floor.’’
Glue his shoes to the court.
“I do think I bring more to a team than just being a shooter,’’ House says.
I’m also a hucker, a gunner and a shooter.
“I’m not the passer [Rajon] Rondo is, but I can pass the ball. I’m not the defender Rondo is, but I can get my hands on the ball and disrupt things. And being with a team now for a third year means I know what we’re trying to do out there.
Win basketball games? That took you three years? Cripes..
That’s half the battle.’’
Championship teams need stars, first and foremost, but they also need intelligent, skilled, and experienced role players.
Eddie House has already helped his team win one title. A second would not be out of the question.
Eddie House: An All-American Hero.
Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist and host of Globe 10.0 on Boston.com. He can be reached at ryan@globe.com.
Key Offseason Additions: Ron Artest, Insanity, Khloe Kardashian’s upcoming divorce papers, the curse of Sun Yue
Your title hopes rest with this man, Laker fans...
The Lowdown: If I had to choose an obscure hip-hop song to characterize the Lakers’ offseason, I’d have to go with Atmosphere’s, “Smart Went Crazy.” After winning their first championship in seven years, the Lakers opted to swap a younger and far less b-a-n-a-n-a-s Trevor Ariza for the mental case known as Ron Artest. The obvious theory is that Ron-Ron respects Kobe Bryant too much to get out of line, and Phil Jackson’s zenful therapy sessions will keep him sane enough for the Lakers to make another title run. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
Perhaps the bigger issue is that there’s little evidence to even suggest that the 29-year-old Artest is a better player than Ariza at this stage of their careers. Last year, Artest hoisted up more bad shots than all of Jack Bauer’s enemies combined to the tune of 40% from the field, and was also noticeably slower on the defensive end, posting the fewest number of steals per game since his rookie season . Clearly on the downside of his career, he’ll now be forced to share the ball with Kobe Bryant (ha!), while the steadily-improving, 24-year-old Ariza plays with T-MacYao Brent Barry in Houston. Oh, and Artest is signed for five years. Good luck with that one, L.A.
In other offseason Laker news, chocaholic Lamar Odom married the Kardashian sister without the big ass, and is all set to make his acting reality show debut on the E! network. There’s no way this will be a distraction or negative influence — anyone who’s owned Reggie Bush in a fantasy league over the last few years can attest to this.
The Good: It goes without saying that the Lakers would be serious contenders regardless of whether Ron Artest or Brian Scalabrene started alongside Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol. Be that as it may, they remain the consensus title favorites by essentially retaining the same roster as last season, and at least on paper, improving their arsenal.
Fantasy Sleeper Alert: It doesn’t seem logical to put Jordan Farmar in this spot, despite the fact that Derek Fisher retired three years ago, since he hasn’t progressed the way the Lakers have expected and was outplayed by Shannon Brown at the end of last season. Nonetheless, he’ll get minutes when the Lakers are forced to go with a smaller lineup during the inevitable Andrew Bynum injury, and there is no way D.J. Mbenga can be recommended anywhere besides a Goonies fantasy league.
Prediction: 62-20 — 1st in Pacific Division, 1st in Western Conference
It’s been two months since ‘Ol One Word Paragraph got the Lowposts treatment. But he’s gone and done it now. Defending the Ron Artest signing. In our two previous installments of Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks, Bill told the Lakers not to trade Lamar Odom - who’s now marrying a crazy person - and he … defended the Ron Artest signing.
We’ve previously touched upon fascinating tie-ins between hip-hop and the NBA, where ballers want to be rappers and rappers want to be ballers. Yet another example of the connection between the two cultures comes courtesy of LeBron James’ brief cameo in Jay-Z’s video for “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-tune),” which is by no means random or unexpected, since the Cavaliers superstar just happens to be best buds with the part owner of the New Jersey (Brooklyn) Nets. The real fun comes when our favorite NBA players make very odd and at times completely inexplicable appearances in popular music videos.
Shaquille O’Neal, Alonzo Mourning, Larry Johnson, Tom Gugliotta, LaPhonso Ellis, Harold Miner, Steve Smith, Christian Laettner — Naughty by Nature, “Hip Hop Hooray (NBA Remix):” Okay, so it’s not an official music video, but a basketball-themed remix recorded for NBA Inside Stuff. Meh, close enough. Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta’s fake punching is hilarious in itself, but this is an unintentional comedy classic thanks to Christian Laettner, decked out in a beige turtleneck and waving his arms as he lip syncs, “I live and die for hip hop.” This can never be topped.
Alonzo Mourning, Alex English, Walt Williams, Muggsy Bogues, Charles Smith — Hootie and The Blowfish, “I Only Wanna Be with You:” Hooping with the spectacular NBA Jam: T.E. combo of Zo and Muggsy is one thing, but what in the world are Alex English, who’d been retired for three years, and Charles Smith, notorious for his four straight missed lay-ups, doing there? Was Cherokee Parks not available? Anthony “Pig” Miller? Zan Tabak? On the other hand, Hootie gets major props for showcasing Walt Williams, one of very few wins for the mid-90’s Kings.
Magic Johnson — Michael Jackson, “Remember the Time:” This must’ve been the moment when Michael Jackson made Magic a better point guard. Playing one of the Pharaoh’s (Eddie Murphy) bare-chested guards — or aids, if you’re as bad a person as I am — Magic for once escapes without completely butchering the English language in his four lines of dialogue. As is our custom, let’s now take a few minutes to watch a classic clip from the brilliance that was and always will be ”The Magic Hour.”
Larry Hughes — Nelly, “Dilemma:” Kelly Rowland of Destiny’s Child is seeing Hughes, but can’t stop creeping with Nelly on the side…hence the dilemma in the title. True story: Nelly started wearing his trademark band-aid after repeatedly getting hit in the face by errant Hughes bricks on the basketball court.
Kobe Bryant — Destiny’s Child, “Bug A Boo:” Beyonce and the ladies (they really like ballers, apparently) walk into a male locker room, stroll past a few half-naked men, and then get a stare-down from Kobe Bryant, who’s furiously tying his shoes on the bench. Much like Bryant’s ill-fated rap career, there’s no rhyme or reason to it whatsoever, though thankfully Mr. K.O.B.E. doesn’t pick the up mic here.
Corey Maggette, Baron Davis — Common, “Drivin’ Me Wild:” Okay, so maybe the NBA cameos sort of makes sense, since Common raps about a woman being with “the ball player from the Clippers,” Maggette’s team at the time, and in a bit of a stretch, Baron Davis became a Clipper himself a year later. I’m just disappointed that Chris Kaman couldn’t land this part…that would’ve been epic.
Jalen Rose — Styles P,“Good Times (I Get High):” I mentioned this once before, but are my eyes deceiving me, or is that Jalen Rose DJing at the 2:41 and 3:06 marks? I’m sure David Stern was ecstatic that one of his players was in a song promoting smoking marijuana on a daily basis.
UPDATE: Anthony Mason tears it up on the court in some short shorts in Diamond D’s “Best Kept Secret:”
In our second installment of “Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks,” Bill implores the defending champions to re-sign their third-best player; a not-too-preposterous request.
But Mr. Plaschke decides this request isn’t enough to flesh out an entire column. So he decides to take some not-entirely-warranted potshots at free agent Allen Iverson.
It’s only too appropriate that Bill’s middle name is Homer.
Well, now that Dan Shaughnessy & Bob Ryan are in full Red Sox/Look-At-How-These-Caucasians-Play-The-Game-The-Right-Way Mode; I need someone else to unleash my copyright infringing scorn upon. And since I live in Los Angeles now, walking upon streets paved with dead dreams and deader souls, I might as well spread that scorn around. Like a freshly-composted garden.
And who is the impetus of compost-like LA sportswriting? One Mr. Bill Plaschke.
