It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!
Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)
It’s highly unlikely that a woman will ever play in the NBA, since even the tallest female would have trouble dealing with the size, strength, and athleticism of a men’s basketball league (picture Manute Bol guarding Shaq in the post). Even still, few would argue that WNBA superstar Candace Parker, for one, has less pure talent than the likes of Kwame Brown, Darko Milicic, and of course, her husband Shelden Williams. As 6′8″ college freshman Brittney Griner continues to dominate against female competition and spark debate over whether she could be the first woman to break the barrier, let’s take a look at some of the NBA’s female basketball pioneers (insert Joakim Noah joke here).
Nancy Lieberman: Before her storied WNBA career, which included a brief comeback as a player last season at age 50 (take that, Jordan!), Lieberman was the first woman to play against men professionally in the United States Basketball League. She later attended NBA summer camps with the Lakers and Jazz in the mid-80’s, and became the first woman to play for the Washington Generals. Unfortunately, she still couldn’t help them beat the Harlem Globetrotters. Last week, Lieberman became the first female head coach in NBDL history, and could eventually become the first woman to coach in the NBA. Not to mention, she’s still smoking hot for a 51-year-old. Um, let’s move on.
Lusia Harris: Harris remains the first and only woman to be drafted by an NBA team after she was selected in the seventh round of the 1977 Draft (137th overall) by the New Orleans Jazz. Because she was pregnant at the time, team officials believed they owned the future draft rights to her unborn child (this actually happened, I kid you not). Although she never played in the NBA, Harris became the first female inductee into the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame, and would still undoubtedly play better defense for the Jazz than Carlos Boozer.
Ann Meyers: In September 1979, Meyers inked a $50,000 contract with the Indiana Pacers, becoming the first and only woman to sign with and try out for an NBA team. She didn’t end up making the final cut, since clearly, when you have the chance to keep Corky Calhoun and John Kuester, you’ve got to do it. Many have since argued that Meyer’s invitation was largely a publicity stunt by the cash-starved Pacers, hardly surprising since Indiana reportedly lost close to $30 million last season. So, what’s Candace’s number again?
Cheryl Miller: Way before Candace Parker, there was Cheryl Miller, who is still widely considered as a better basketball player than her NBA All-Star brother, Reggie. Drafted by the USBL a few years after Lieberman, Miller’s playing career was derailed after a series of knee injuries. She’s served as an NBA broadcaster for TNT Sports, and became the first female analyst to call a nationally televised NBA game in 1996. And in case anyone was wondering if she could’ve held her own against male competition, Miller defended herself splendidly against Scot Pollard.
Violet Palmer: Palmer (along with Denise Kantner), became the first woman to referee a regular season game for any all-male professional sports league on October 31, 1997. Palmer remains the only female among the league’s 59-member officiating staff, and became the first woman to referee an NBA playoff game in 2006. While her officiating competence has come under scrutiny, any basketball fan would gladly take her over Bennett Salvatore (one of my favorite clips ever, by the way).
My fondest memory of Palmer was the time Jason Kidd slapped her on the butt during her first season. While the commentators laughed at the incident, Palmer acted as if nothing happened. It was just the right amount of awkwardness and awesomeness that always made me appreciate her style. And made me realize that Jason Kidd is a douche.
When Kenner, the maker of some fantastic Starting Lineups, lost its contract with the NBA in 1998, I stopped collecting sports figures entirely. Sure, Mattel and later McFarlane released their own lines of “more realistic” products, but none of them could hold a candle to the 6″ SLUs that looked nothing like the players and had some questionable basketball poses (case in point: Jason Kidd). But while searching the internet for gift ideas the other week, I came across some rather interesting players chosen by McFarlane for their very own action figures. Let’s take a look at some of their worst moves.
Kwame Brown, Wizards (2002): Okay, so maybe no one could’ve foreseen that the player who Michael Jordan drafted first overall in 2001 (and soon thereafter called a “flaming f****t”) would become a mediocre journeyman best known for somehow getting dealt for Caron Butler in one of the most lop-sided trades of the decade. Wait, you mean everyone did? Either way, McFarlane really dropped the ball by not releasing a cake-throwing collectors’ edition five years later.
DaJuan Wagner, Cavaliers (2003): It’s not that Wagner had a horrible rookie season (13.4 points) or never showcased any future potential before having his career deranged by a colon. It’s that Yao Ming, Amare (I refuse to put the apostrophe) Stoudemire, and Caron Butler, to name a few, were all chosen in the same draft and didn’t get their figures released as quickly. And hell, even the great Skita Tskitishvili played more games in the NBA.
J.R, Smith, Hornets / Sabastian Telfair, Trail Blazers (2006) - Figures of Smith and Telfair were released under an exclusive McFarlane series called “Young Guns.” No really, they were. I have absolutely absolutely nothing to add to this.
Michael Finley, Spurs (2006) - I’m sure there was a long line outside of every sports memorabilia shop to pick up a figure of the 33-year-old Michael Finley, years removed from his All-Star days in Dallas and barely putting up double-digit points as a reserve with the Spurs. Rumor has it, McFarlane’s was furiously working on a Kevin Willis figure when he un-retired at age 44 during the same year.
Steve Francis, Knicks (2006) - Apparently someone at McFarlane felt that Francis’ New York tenure, a disaster in every which way imaginable that essentially led to the end of his pro career and forever tarnished Larry Brown’s reputation, needed to be commemorated with a highly coveted “Chase” piece (or rather, a repaint of his 2002 Rockets release). A Grizzlies figure can’t be far behind.
Adam Morrison (2008) - It would be one thing if this figure come out in 2006, after Morrison finished a stellar collegiate career and was expected to emerge into a NBA star, or even in 2007, following his somewhat decent rookie campaign (11.8 PPG). But no, it came out a full year later, while Morrison sat out the season with a knee injury, only to return to post 4.0 PPG in 2008/2009 with the Bobcats and Lakers. I can’t wait to see how McFarlane commemorates Morrison for winning a championship.
Desmond Mason (2008, 2009): Mason does hold a 12.2 points per game career scoring average and has won a couple of Slam Dunk Contests, so one figure is perhaps excusable. But someone at McFarlane must have a crush on Mr. Mason, since the same piece was repainted and re-released in 2009 after he was traded to the Thunder. McFarlane called it a “Surprise” release — as in, “Surprise! A guy who averaged less than eight points in 39 games has his own figure.”
Zach Randolph (2009) - I don’t even know what to say anymore. An Eddy Curry figure in 2010? Count on it.
Well, now that Dan Shaughnessy & Bob Ryan are in full Red Sox/Look-At-How-These-Caucasians-Play-The-Game-The-Right-Way Mode; I need someone else to unleash my copyright infringing scorn upon. And since I live in Los Angeles now, walking upon streets paved with dead dreams and deader souls, I might as well spread that scorn around. Like a freshly-composted garden.
And who is the impetus of compost-like LA sportswriting? One Mr. Bill Plaschke.
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We’ve been doing this on the award-winning Lowposts Twitter feed for a few weeks now, but today we’re introducing our site’s newest feature — Basketball Birthday Wishes. Any time a notable basketball birthday passes us by, we’ll send our best man to wish them the very best..
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(NBA VP of Referee Operations Joe Borgia is in attendance at a Cavs-Pistons game..)
James: (crab-dribbles through lane, followed by rollicking mariachi band, rises into air for a dunk with no whistle)
Borgia: (muttering to himself) Oh, come on! (more…)
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