Jan
07
2010
5

BOOM-SHAKALAKA!!

Gore-tastic!

Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)

Written by doktakra in: doktakra | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Apr
16
2009
0

Combos® Playoff Previews: #4 Blazers vs. #5 Rockets

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 1: #4 Portland Trailblazers vs. #5 Houston Rockets.. (more…)

Apr
03
2009
0
Mar
25
2009
0

The 2009 NBA-NCAA Challenge, Brought to you by Pepperidge Farm! 1st Round: #3 Arizona Wildcats vs. #6 Texas Longhorns

The 2009 NBA-NCAA Challenge, Brought to you by Pepperidge Farm, first round matchup between three-seed Arizona & six-seed Texas here on Saturn. That certainly has a ring to it!

Get it? Get it?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT?

Seriously, I can’t hear if you get it or not. Reception on Saturn friggin’ sucks. (more…)

Jan
08
2009
5

EeyOden Goes To Practice

EeyOden to self: Here we go again, another day of practice. At least there hasn’t been a Tsunami lately.

LaMarcus:  Greg! How’s it going?

EeyOden: Hello, LaMarcus. It feels good.  I should be able to go hard in a couple days.

LaMarcus: Go hard?

EeyOden: What were we talking about?

LaMarcus: [Puzzled] I just asked how you were doing.

EeyOden: My mistake. I thought you were asking about my knee, how it was, and if you could do anything to help.

EeyOden: [mumbles incoherently]

LaMarcus: [clueless] Uhhh, that wasn’t me…

EeyOden: [looking at the ground]

LaMarcus: Maybe that was Jay Jensen.

EeyOden: Yeah, maybe.

EeyOden: [kicks ground]

EeyOden: Sometimes he asks me questions.

LaMarcus: When I see Jay, I will tell him your knee is feeling better.

EeyOden: Thanks….

[LaMarcus walks away]

EeyOden: …for noticing me.

EeyOden to self: At least there hasn’t been an earthquake today.

EeyOden to self: Yet...

EeyOden: Good morning, Brandon.

Roy: Hey Big Gu-

EeyOden: [Interrupts] If it is a good morning. Which I doubt.

Roy: Why, what’s up?

EeyOden: Nothing really. It’s just, well, not everyone can.

Roy: Can what?

EeyOden: Excel. Be an all star.

Roy: Come on Greg. I know you’ll get there someday.

EeyOden: Someday. Anyway, I can’t complain.

EeyOden: [mumbles incoherently]

Roy: Well yo-

EeyOden: [Interrupts] I have friends.

Roy: That’s right Greg, we’re all friends here.

EeyOden: Was it this month or the month before that Shavlik ran into me and said ‘MOVE!’.

Roy: Yeah… that did happen.

EeyOden: You know, always something going on.

EeyOden: [mumbles incoherently]

Roy: See ya around.

EeyOden: Okay.

EeyOden to self: Thanks for noticing me.

EeyOden to self: [mumbles incoherently]

Written by FEAST in: FEAST | Tags: , , ,
Dec
14
2008
13

The McHale Files: Part I (Worst Trades)

It’s hard to believe that Kevin McHale lasted 13 seasons as the Minnesota Timberwolves’ Vice President of Basketball Operations.  Often regarded as the NBA’s worst GM this side of Isiah Thomas, he made countless terrible decisions that cost his team dearly (most notably perhaps, the infamous Joe Smith fiasco).  But we here at lowposts.com don’t kick people when they’re down — and after all, he was named the best general manager in all of sports by Forbes last season.  In honor of McHale’s firing — excuse me, “stepping down” — let’s take a look at the worst moves of his era…by other GMs.  Part I will focus on trades, and subsequent parts will explore free agent signings and draft picks.

1. Dallas Mavericks trade the draft rights to Robert “Tractor” Traylor to the Milwaukee Bucks for the rights to Dirk Nowitzki and the rights to Pat Garrity.

Yeah…that sure worked out well for the Bucks. Dirk went on to become a perennial All-Star and the first European MVP award winner, while Traylor would lead the league in Big Macs chomped per minute and tax evasion schemes. It should also be noted that the Mavs immidiately flipped the rights to Garrity — along with Martin Muursepp, Bubba Wells, and a future first round draft pick — to the Suns for Steve Nash. As horrible as that looks on paper, Phoenix made out better than exepected. The Suns selected Shawn Marion with the pick, and later brought a supposedly over-the-hill Nash back to the desert for his two MVP seasons.

2. Toronto Raptors trade Vince Carter to the New Jersey Nets for Eric Williams, Aaron Williams, Alonzo Mourning and two 1st round draft picks.

Since Alonzo “Phantom Raptor” Mourning refused to even make the trip to Canada, Toronto gave away Carter for just about nothing…unless you count Joey Graham, who was selected with one of those acquired draft picks (the other one was traded to New York). Sure, Carter wanted out and made his displeasure very obvious, but couldn’t the Raptors get a little more for a perennial All-Star? Like, I don’t know, some home-cooked food and clean drawers?

3. Chicago Bulls trade Eddy Curry and Antonio Davis to the New York Knicks for Tim Thomas, Michael Sweetney, Jermaine Jackson, and two future first round picks.

Let’s see — one the one hand, we have a one-dimensional, overpriced, overweight player who can’t grab a rebound and has a career-threatening heart condition. One the other, we have Tim Thomas, who played three games for the Bulls, and Jermaine Jackson who was cut. At least those draft picks didn’t amount to anything worthwhile — just LaMarcus Aldridge(#2 in 2006) and Joakim Noah (#9 in 2007). Impressive fleece job by Zeke, no?

4. Washington Wizards trade Kwame Brown and Laron Profit to the Los Angeles Lakers for Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins.

Remember that this trade comes on the heels of the widely-criticized Shaquille O’Neal trade, in which the Lakers acquired Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant, and a first round pick for the big man.  Yet, while Shaq led Miami to a title in his second season, his skills sharply declined and he would be later moved for Shawn Marion; plus, that draft pick was used on the promising Jordan Farmar.  But Kwame for Caron Butler? The Lakers really wish they could have a mulligan on that one, since “Birthday Cake” Brown would shockingly fail to impress Phil Jackson with his toughness, while Butler blossomed into one of the top forwards in the league with the Wiz.

5.  Charlotte Hornets trade the draft rights to Kobe Bryant to the Los Angeles Lakers for Vlade Divac.

At the end of the day, it’s a bad trade when you consider that Kobe would become one of the best players in the world and team up with Shaq to win three championships in Los Angeles. But if you’re wondering why this deal isn’t ranked higher, let’s remember a few key components. Kobe was expected to be a top-five pick, until he refused to workout for any teams except the Knicks and Lakers.  He even insisted that he’d play in Europe if another team were to take him — he’s grown so much since those days.   The Hornets selected him at number 13 overall, and ended up with an All-Star caliber center in Divac, who helped Charlotte reach the postseason in both of his seasons on the team.   Oh, and isn’t it fun to watch Kobe squirm uncomfortably in his Hornets cap on draft night?

6.  New Orleans Hornets send Baron Davis to the Golden State Warriors for Speedy Claxton and Dale Davis.

Read those names again, and please tell me what the Hornets were thinking here.  It’s not like Davis was an All-Star and All-NBA team member or anything (what, you mean, he was???).  Okay, so he missed a few games games and didn’t get along with Byron Scott, but that’s the best they could do?  Not-so-speedy Claxton would play 87 games over two seasons, and 35-year-old Dale Davis contributed a whopping 3.1 points in just 35 appearances.  Baron Davis, meanwhile, helped revitalize a struggling Warriors franchise, shattered Andrei Kirilenko’s confidence, and brought more of the beautiful Ms. Alba into our lives.

7.  Houston Rockets trade Richard Jefferson, Jason Collins, and Brandon Armstrong to the New Jersey Nets for Eddie Griffin.

A lot of critics felt the Nets were making a huge mistake by trading Griffin, who appeared to have an unprecedented skillset.  And yet, Jefferson and Collins were starters on back-to-back Nets Finals teams, while Griffin (RIP) never came close to realizing his full potential…well, except for that time in his SUV.

8. Washington Wizards trade Chris Webber to the Sacramento Kings for Mitch Richmond and Otis Thorpe.

The Wizards took a huge step backwards by dealing Webber in his prime for Richmond, who was entering the downside for his career.  Although Webber missed a lot of games with a dislocated shoulder, and had off the court troubles with the law in DC, he would transform the laughing stock Kings into an instant title contender.  The Wizards, captained by Richmond, Rod Strickland, and Juwan Howard, would fail to win more than 29 games in three seasons, before Michael Jordan mercifully relinquished his title of Director of Basketball Operations and destroyed his knees on the court.

9. Memphis Grizzlies trade Pau Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers for Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittendon, Marc Gasol, Aaron McKie’s corpse, and two future 1st round draft picks (2008 and 2010).

Call me crazy, but I don’t think this trade is as bad as everyone has made it out to be.  Yes, the Grizz could’ve gotten more, and Pau channeled his inner Vince Carter and started trying again in Los Angeles.  But the Grizzlies didn’t win a single playoff game during the Gasol era, and decided to rebuild: Brown’s expiring contract came off the books, Marc Gasol has played very well in his first season, and the 2008 pick turned out to be Donte Greene, who was shipped to the Rockets for Darrell Arthur and a 2009 second-rounder.  Plus, they have another 1st rounder next season.  Wait, did I just compliment Chris Wallace??

10. Minnesota Timberwolves trade Sam Cassell and a future first round draft pick for Marko Jaric

I know, I said no McHale trades, but come on! He made this deal right after the Wolves finally broke through and reached the Western Conference Finals, and then signed Jaric to a cap-killing five-year, $37 million extension. Plus, he refused to feed Latrell Sprewell’s family!


Dishonorable Mention:

*Detroit Pistons trade Grant Hill to the Orlando Magic for Ben Wallace and Chucky Atkins.

*Atlanta Hawks trade Rasheed Wallace to the Detroit Pistons for Bob Sura, Zeljko Rebraca, and a lottery-protected first round pick (Mil).

*Boston Celtics trade Joe Johnson, Randy Brown, Milt Palacio and a first round pick to the Phoenix Suns for Rodney Rodgers and Tony Delk.

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