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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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Legendary soul-singer Nappy Brown is not only a basketball aficionado; he’s a bit of a football buff as well. Every week Nappy will make his NFL predictions..

Week Eleven

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She’ll be there. WILL YOU?????

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We’ve previously touched upon fascinating tie-ins between hip-hop and the NBA, where ballers want to be rappers and rappers want to be ballers. Yet another example of the connection between the two cultures comes courtesy of LeBron James’ brief cameo in Jay-Z’s video for “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-tune),” which is by no means random or unexpected, since the Cavaliers superstar just happens to be best buds with the part owner of the New Jersey (Brooklyn) Nets. The real fun comes when our favorite NBA players make very odd and at times completely inexplicable appearances in popular music videos.

Shaquille O’Neal, Alonzo Mourning, Larry Johnson, Tom Gugliotta, LaPhonso Ellis, Harold Miner, Steve Smith, Christian Laettner — Naughty by Nature, “Hip Hop Hooray (NBA Remix):” Okay, so it’s not an official music video, but a basketball-themed remix recorded for NBA Inside Stuff. Meh, close enough. Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta’s fake punching is hilarious in itself, but this is an unintentional comedy classic thanks to Christian Laettner, decked out in a beige turtleneck and waving his arms as he lip syncs, “I live and die for hip hop.” This can never be topped.

Alonzo Mourning, Alex English, Walt Williams, Muggsy Bogues, Charles Smith — Hootie and The Blowfish, “I Only Wanna Be with You:” Hooping with the spectacular NBA Jam: T.E. combo of Zo and Muggsy is one thing, but what in the world are Alex English, who’d been retired for three years, and Charles Smith, notorious for his four straight missed lay-ups, doing there? Was Cherokee Parks not available? Anthony “Pig” Miller? Zan Tabak? On the other hand, Hootie gets major props for showcasing Walt Williams, one of very few wins for the mid-90’s Kings.

Magic Johnson — Michael Jackson, “Remember the Time:” This must’ve been the moment when Michael Jackson made Magic a better point guard. Playing one of the Pharaoh’s (Eddie Murphy) bare-chested guards — or aids, if you’re as bad a person as I am — Magic for once escapes without completely butchering the English language in his four lines of dialogue. As is our custom, let’s now take a few minutes to watch a classic clip from the brilliance that was and always will be ”The Magic Hour.”

Larry Hughes — Nelly, “Dilemma:” Kelly Rowland of Destiny’s Child is seeing Hughes, but can’t stop creeping with Nelly on the side…hence the dilemma in the title. True story: Nelly started wearing his trademark band-aid after repeatedly getting hit in the face by errant Hughes bricks on the basketball court.

Kobe Bryant — Destiny’s Child, “Bug A Boo:” Beyonce and the ladies (they really like ballers, apparently) walk into a male locker room, stroll past a few half-naked men, and then get a stare-down from Kobe Bryant, who’s furiously tying his shoes on the bench. Much like Bryant’s ill-fated rap career, there’s no rhyme or reason to it whatsoever, though thankfully Mr. K.O.B.E. doesn’t pick the up mic here.

Corey Maggette, Baron Davis — Common, “Drivin’ Me Wild:” Okay, so maybe the NBA cameos sort of makes sense, since Common raps about a woman being with “the ball player from the Clippers,” Maggette’s team at the time, and in a bit of a stretch, Baron Davis became a Clipper himself a year later. I’m just disappointed that Chris Kaman couldn’t land this part…that would’ve been epic.

Jalen Rose — Styles P,“Good Times (I Get High):” I mentioned this once before, but are my eyes deceiving me, or is that Jalen Rose DJing at the 2:41 and 3:06 marks? I’m sure David Stern was ecstatic that one of his players was in a song promoting smoking marijuana on a daily basis.

UPDATE: Anthony Mason tears it up on the court in some short shorts in Diamond D’s “Best Kept Secret:”

In our second installment of “Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks,” Bill implores the defending champions to re-sign their third-best player; a not-too-preposterous request.

But Mr. Plaschke decides this request isn’t enough to flesh out an entire column. So he decides to take some not-entirely-warranted potshots at free agent Allen Iverson.

It’s only too appropriate that Bill’s middle name is Homer.

To the Assbloatmobile! (more…)

In a sport where players get extreme close-ups on every trip to the foul line (although Hedo Turkoglu might single-handedly put a stop to that), the NBA still manages to maintain some highly questionable grooming habits. Whether it’s a fashion statement, a gentleman’s bet, or just pure laziness, we’ve seen some truly awful facial hair over the years. But before we get to the league’s worst offenders, let’s take a quick look at some of the smoothest, best-groomed, and most big pimpin’ beards in NBA history.

Baron Davis

Walt Frazier

Larry Johnson

Baron Davis: Boom-Dizzle took cues from fellow bay-area players Ice Cube and Rick Ross, and sported a well-groomed beard that would make Kimbo Slice proud.

Walt “Clyde” Frazier: There’s no way Clyde would get “re-jected” when he was shakin’ and bakin’ with that classic ’80s specimen of a beard. No play for gray, indeed.

Larry Johnson: I truly believe the famous four-point play never happens without this beauty. Even Grandmama wishes she had one like that back in the day.

Kurt Rambis: Because when has a caterpillar mustache ever not looked good?

And now, without further adeu, it’s time to introduce the pantheon of the ugliest NBA facial hair of all-time. Players received bonus points for multiple beard styles and/or blatant disregard for hygiene.

Drew Gooden: The Osama Bin Gooden was one thing, but this half-Dave-Navarro-rocker, half-octopus concoction is outrageous…ly awesome. But at least he, um, “won” the beard-growing contest with Deshawn Stevenson (more on him later).

Pau Gasol: I’m curious to know what inspired Pau to go from clean-shaven straight to Eurotrash. Maybe he saw Castaway for the first time that summer. At least his brother Marc is somewhat trying not to look like the Geico caveman’s body double. Okay, on second thought, not really.

Scot Pollard: We covered the many looks of Scot Pollard once before, from the crazy mutton chops to the colorful dye jobs, but this monstrosity warrants another look. It’s a beard and it’s braided. Need I say more?

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Big Z sported a massive playoff beard in 2006, until he “got [tired of having] to comb it” in the morning.  Gross. It looked like the combined forces of time and gravity gradually pulled the hair off his head and onto his face.

Brian Skinner: Is Skinner’s King Tut-throwback, Ying Yang Twins-approved, half-blond goatee enough to officially make him the Black Scot Pollard? I say, yes. And that’s not a compliment by any stretch of the imagination.

Bill Walton: Walton himself proclaimed it was “the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan’s beard look good.” Little known fact: the character of Teen Wolf was actually inspired by Walton’s fire-red Abe Lincoln beard.

DeShawn Stevenson: Clearly, DeShawn couldn’t feel his face because it was covered with a used Brillo pad. But perhaps he should grow it back after shooting a putrid 31% from the field when he finally shaved last season.

Gregg Popovich: Pop was either trying to intimidate Spurs’ opponents and arch-nemesis Joey Crawford by looking like the Unabomber on the sidelines, or simply decided to grow a Chia pet on his chin.

Yao Ming: Yao promised he’d shave his patchy um, “beard” if the Chinese team made it to the Olympic semifinal, but inexplicably believing scraggly, prepubescent peach-fuzz was en vogue, continued to sport it during the following NBA season (as much as he tried to cover it up).

Mark Eaton: Sure, Eaton kept his thick beard clean and neatly-trimmed, but it’s not often that a seven-footer gets routinely mistaken for a lumberjack off the court.

Dishonorable Mention:

*Adam Morrison: Speaking of wispy mustaches, we don’t want to get on (NBA champion!) Morrison yet again, but that barely-visible lip sweater made him look like a sixth-grader who desperately wanted to look “grown up” in middle school.

*Brian Winters: I’m not sure I understand what’s going on here, but I believe Winters’ chin gave birth to a beehive.

*Phil Jackson: Phil may have more rings than Popovich, but his Colonel Sanders beard doesn’t hold candle to Pop’s masterpiece. Although this old school look sure comes close.

*World B. Free: Much like Big Z, Free’s wasn’t actually losing hair on his head…it was just migrating down his cheeks and resting on his face.

*Greg Oden: slowly on its way to reaching Gooden proportions.

In the weeks leading up to the 2009 NBA Draft, Lowposts’ resident Draftologistician will be looking at NBA Drafts of the past and how they got all screwed up..

Today:  The 1992 NBA Draft.. (more…)

Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.

Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about CIA drug trafficking! (more…)

As much as I like a few current NBA player commercials, such as the Charles Barkley and Dwyane Wade T-Mobile spots, they just don’t have the same charm as the late ’80s and mid-’90’s classics. Today’s generation of NBA stars dream of being actors and global icons, and as a result, the more polished and better-written advertisements often end up being less interesting and memorable. Instead of showcasing the ‘best’ commercials of all-time, here’s a list of the funniest ones ever made.

1. Larry Bird, Chardon Jeans: I don’t think it’s possible to have a more awesome commercial where the star doesn’t even have to say a word. You gotta love the grinding roller-skating waitresses and cheesy ’80’s music, but is Bird’s ass pressed up against the arcade game supposed to sell jeans?  When did the hick from French Lick become a sex symbol? This Celtics restaurant ad deserves to be mentioned here, too, if only we had better quality.

2. Magic Johnson, Kentucky Fried Chicken: We already know that Magic’s attempt at a late-night talk show failed miserably, and that was after he took speech lessons. It’s actually hard to understand how his on-the-court charisma never translated to the camera. There are quite a few awful Magic commercials from the late ’80’s and early ’90’s, but this absurd KFC ad is my favorite, just barely edging out his anti-drug PSA, “Don’t Foul Out!”  Can you tell he’s reading cue-cards?

3. Shaquille O’Neal, All-Sport: Shaq commercials could take up the next seven spots, since he had several terrible Pepsi ones, and this borderline-homoerotic Taco Bell ad with Hakeem Olajuwon (whoever thought this was a good idea should be fired). But the All-Sport one takes the cake for being so corny and badly out-dated, and plus, is it just me, or does the ball not even go in on Shaq’s over-the-shoulder, full court shot at the end? They couldn’t even get that right?

4. Larry Johnson, Converse: I had a Larry Johnson “Grandmama” poster on my wall as a kid, and I remember my mom thinking it was really weird. Looking back back now, I couldn’t agree more. I mean, why in the world would you dress up an NBA superstar as an elderly drag-queen, and does anyone understand what’s going on in these commercials?  It’s just laughably bad, and I’m getting more and more creeped out every time I play it.  Let’s move on.

5. Gheorge Muresan, Snickers: One of few intentionally funny commercials on the list, this Muresan spoof on Michael Jordan cologne is absolutely brilliant — major props to the big man for being such a good sport. There’s another Muresan ad that my friends and I loved, where he misses a shot and then says, “Score one for the kids!” I would honestly buy anything this hilarious man tried to sell me…well, except a copy of “My Giant.”

6. Vince Carter, Nike: Another head-scratcher — Vince Carter doing cartwheels and somersaults down the street in a Craig Sager-esque purple suit, rescuing a cat out of a tree and shooting it back to the owner like a fade-away jumper…makes perfect sense to me.  And did Joe Budden need cash that badly to provide the music?  It’s too bad it cuts off after 59 seconds, and we don’t get to see Carter falling to the floor and clutching his leg in agony for the next 15 minutes.

7. Darryl Dawkins, Wheaties: This would’ve been higher on the list if Mr. Chocolate Thunder had more than just a single bar to rap — a gimmick which of course, never fails when it comes to athletes — but he makes the most of what he’s given. If I’m not mistaken, the line is, “Before I slam my gorilla dunkies, I get the eaties for my Wheaties.” Oh, just imagine the comedy if only Dawkins had decided to venture out into a music career…then again, he’d still be better than Shaq or Kobe.

8. Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, Mark Aguirre, Bernard King, Larry Bird, Converse: Speaking of NBA players trying to rap, this classic Converse commercial features several ’80’s stars showing off their funky flows about the Converse Weapon.  Shockingly, Kevin McHale comes the closest to actually being on-beat, while Bird doesn’t even try to rap and flat-out says his lines. And no, I have no idea what Magic is trying to do here either.

9. Penny Hardaway, Nike: I’m sure everyone loved these Lil’ Penny commercials back in the day, which featured Chris Rock’s voice and appearances from Tyra Banks (back when she was damn fine) and Spike Lee. They were all pretty funny — I’m guessing limited dialogue for Penny and a professional comedian helped a little. I remembering thinking it was so cool to say Lil’ Penny’s lines on the basketball court…I regret that decision now.

10. Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, McDonalds: No list would be complete with this classic, which is arguably the most famous NBA commercial ever made.  Two legends playing a crazy game of horse is enough to warrant a chuckle by itself, but Bird’s, um, “acting” — it’s not a coincidence that he lands in three of the top ten — and Jordan’s ridiculous shirt pattern take it to another level. Oh, and I’m not sure why, but the voice-overs in this Spanish version just kill me.

Honorable Mention:

*Dominique Wilkins, Danny Ainge, Byron Scott, Doc Rivers, Nike:  Which name doesn’t belong?
*Charles Barkley, Reebok:  Not really sure what’s going on here…
*David Robison and Gary Payton, Nike:  ‘The Glove’ always comes through.
*Shawn Kemp, Reebok: Similar to the Barkley one, but even more confusing.
*Brent Barry, HEB:  It’s a local ad, but wow…
*Classic Sprite:  No NBA players, but it’s still one of the funniest basketball-themed ads ever.