Nine days ago, Bob slurped Doc’s son. But not his other son, who sucks. This week, it’s Eddie House slurping time. I’ve been guilty of this as well but hey, I’m not a fat load. But I do drop fat loads..
Now that’s what I call Nightmare Fuel.
To the mockery van!
At Last, Eddie Is Steadied
HARTFORD - Eddie has found a home.
Well, that’s a relief. I was beginning to get worried about him..
I mean, really. It was getting ridiculous.
He was living in a cardboard box! What a maroon!
After spending his first three years in Miami, Eddie House hit the road,
Begrudgingly.
playing for six teams in four years,
Slut.
always good enough to be wanted but never good enough to be considered indispensable.
So he was unindispensable? Inindispensable?
And it would be an exaggeration to say that he is indispensable.
What I’m trying to say is he’s been released.
But he is beginning his third year as a Boston Celtic for the very simple reason that he is a specialist who knows exactly who he is
Eddie House.
and who he isn’t,
Eddie Money.
and that clearly appeals to Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers.
That’s why they got rid of Mikki Moore. He thought he was Eddie Money.
“I don’t care how many snakes you have, you’re no rock star!”
“Boy, he can shoot, and he scares the hell out of other teams,’’ declares Rivers. “He used to scare the hell out of me when I was coaching elsewhere. I kid him that he’s on the All-Scare Team.’’
Rude thing to say to Shelden William’s face.
There are no secrets with Eddie.
He told everyone about my secret crush!
Mr. House doesn’t enter the game seeking to assess the game temperature or flow or tempo, or any of that stuff. When Eddie comes into the game, the ball is going up.
Send me in, Coach! I’m just gonna start huckin’ it!
“He knows his role,’’ says Rivers, “and his teammates know his role. They do whatever they can to free him up.’’
They will KILL for him!
Eddie House is a proven jump shooter. Everyone in the league knows that.
Except for Ruben Patterson, ’cause he’s a friggin’ idiot.
Patterson: Hey, man. Feelings!
But there is a second reason that helps explain why Eddie House’s nationwide perambulations
Bob Ryan’s column today has been brought to you by Thesaurus.com, for all your thesaurusing needs.
(Miami to Los Angeles (Clippers) to Charlotte to Milwaukee to Sacramento to Phoenix to New Jersey) finally ceased when he came to Boston.
Right when he was getting settled in New Jersey!
Danny Ainge is a paid-up member of his fan club.
Unfortunately, to be a member of the Eddie House Fan Club, you have to pay in heart attacks.
“First of all, I fell in love with Eddie when he was in college,’’ Ainge says.
Curry: lol, gay.
It seems that Eddie House was playing for Arizona State while Danny was playing and coaching in Phoenix. “I watched him play at Arizona State. He’s definitely a guy I’d pay to watch play. And I followed his NBA career closely.’’
A little too closely..
“I knew he was at a lot of our games,’’ says House,
I mean legally he had to tell me. Least that’s what the judge said.
who had 11 points and 4 assists in Boston’s 106-90 exhibition dispatch of the Toronto Raptors at the XL Center last night. “He used to sit courtside.
..under the bleachers.
I’d see him and it would inspire me.
..to hire security.
I’d say, ‘Man, if he’s here to see me, maybe I can play in the league.’ ’’
..and get raped by Danny Ainge.
Eddie House is not a great player.
HE’S THE GREATEST PLAYER!
He is a great shooter.
And a great dinosaur.
House: Raar! Houseasaurus!
He has never averaged 10 points a game, in part because he has never averaged 20 minutes a game. He’s a 6-foot-1-inch shooting guard masquerading, on occasion, as a point guard. His job is to enter the game and change it with long-range jumpers, almost every one of which is fired up from about 2 feet in front of the 3-point arc to 2 feet behind it.
He just happens to be very good at it. Last year, for example, he shot .444 from the 3-point line, or .001 lower than his overall average. The Celtics would gladly take that again.
“He’s a scary shooter,’’ Ainge says (no, he and Doc did not compare notes).
They both called him a scary shooter independently of one another!!!
And neither man has ever met!
“Eddie can shoot as well as anybody in the game. He’s right there with a Ray Allen, that kind of guy. But he’s not as big, so he doesn’t get his shot off as easily. But no one has a quicker trigger.’’
I hear Delonte’s a pretty quick shot..
Eddie’s technique is something young players should study.
But not with their briefs around their ankles like Danny Ainge studies.
“He’s very sound technically,’’ says Ainge, who knows a thing or two about shooting. “He has a very consistent rotation. The ball comes off his hand very consistently.
(additional Danny Ainge gay joke)
“He’s also what I call a ‘hop shooter,’ ’’ Ainge continues.
A kangaroo assassin, if you will.
“There aren’t very many ‘hop shooters.’ By that I mean he jumps off the floor with both feet. Most guys are what I call a ‘step-step’ shooter. But he hops into it. The last really good hop shooter I remember was Ricky Pierce.’’
You mean THIS Ricky Pierce??
All this was evident in his other stops, for sure. But there appears to be a particular resonance on this team. I guess that’s what they mean by a “fit.’’
No other GM’s penis would suffice.
Perhaps it’s because, as much as he is framed as a shooter, Eddie House isn’t one-dimensional.
That would explain his existence in reality. I thought he was just a cartoon. Like you, Bob Ryan!
The Celtics do appreciate other things about him.
Got a real sweet ass.
It really goes back to draft day. The entire basketball world knew Eddie House could score. The man had 61 in an NCAA game, after all. But because he’s 6-1, and not really a point guard, people didn’t know what to do with him.
A smaller player who can really shoot and score at will. WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO WITH THIS MAN?
“It’s what we do in this business,’’ Ainge explains. “We focus on what people can’t do instead of what they can do.’’
It’s true.
Lebron:
Can’t avoid the spotlight.
Kobe: 
Can’t take no for an answer.
Zach:
Can’t believe it’s not butter.
“He’ll never make the All-Defense Team,’’ says Rivers. “But he plays hard all the time. He competes. He fits for us. He clearly understands what he has to do to stay on the floor.’’
Glue his shoes to the court.
“I do think I bring more to a team than just being a shooter,’’ House says.
I’m also a hucker, a gunner and a shooter.
“I’m not the passer [Rajon] Rondo is, but I can pass the ball. I’m not the defender Rondo is, but I can get my hands on the ball and disrupt things. And being with a team now for a third year means I know what we’re trying to do out there.
Win basketball games? That took you three years? Cripes..
That’s half the battle.’’
Championship teams need stars, first and foremost, but they also need intelligent, skilled, and experienced role players.
Eddie House has already helped his team win one title. A second would not be out of the question.
Eddie House: An All-American Hero.
Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist and host of Globe 10.0 on Boston.com. He can be reached at ryan@globe.com. 
