Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.
Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.
Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!
Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Terrorism!
“Join me tonight at 9:35 PM Eastern Chortle Time on Noggin for The Gosh-Darned Decision Special starring myself, Matthew W. Carroll the First. Will I choose hamburgers or cheeseburgers? Stay tuned!
Spoiler Alert: I’m allergic to beef. (chortles)”
(Sorry, Chicago..)
After the jump, Lowposts has the latest scoop on where LeBron James plans to sign at 9:01 PM PST!
Nappy’s in trouble with the Feds! And the Mob! When Nappy needs some quick cash, he turns to his good friends at Lowposts and types up some dumb shit for them. Here we go!
Clintastic!
In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii. If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.
There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer. My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.
Without further ado, I present the three players – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis. I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves. Whoops, bad choice of words there.
(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson. Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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And now, the 2009 return of The Absolute Zero Award, brought to you by various colas, in which I try to get all statistically analytical. Going by Efficiency Rating, which is really the only stat that matters (It says Lebron is #1! It must be true!), we try to figure out who the worst basketball players are in the league that actually still get playing time. I’ve added a new wrinkle this year, where they have to play in nearly every game. I take the team who’s played the least games this season (18, as of today) and only select players who have played that many games or more.
Just to put it all in perspective, Lebron’s got a rating of 30.0. That’s good. Tony Allen’s got a rating of -2.0 (through one game). That’s not good. Somewhere in the middle is Anthony Parker with a rating of 8.6, which is average-ish. The five men listed below are below average. The closer to zero, the better (or worse).
So. Who’s the worst in the league? Who’s the Absolute Zero? To the abacus!
It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!
Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)
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