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Well well well. If it isn’t my old friend, Bill.
It’s been two months since ‘Ol One Word Paragraph got the Lowposts treatment. But he’s gone and done it now. Defending the Ron Artest signing. In our two previous installments of Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks, Bill told the Lakers not to trade Lamar Odom - who’s now marrying a crazy person - and he … defended the Ron Artest signing.
To the Repetitive Machine! (more…)
(Lakers forward Luke Walton rushes into the Staples Center locker room, excitedly jumping up & down..)
Walton: Guys! Look what I learned over summer vacation!
Walton: (hacky sacks)
Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.
Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.
Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.
Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.
Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.
Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).
Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)
Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.
Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.
Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.
Quick Misses:
*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.
*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.
*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.
*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.
*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.
The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..
Conference Finals: #1 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #3 Orlando Magic.. (more…)
Many children follow in their fathers’ footsteps, looking to uphold a family tradition of excellence. Perhaps the most well-known father-son duo in sports is the Griffeys, who not only played on the same major league team, but also famously hit back-to-back home runs. The NBA’s had its fair share of familiar surnames, and will soon see a new wave of former players’ sons once Stephen Curry, Ralph Sampson III, and Shawn Kemp Jr. (pretty good odds on at least one), among others, reach the next level. We’ll tackle the best father-son combos another time, but for now, let’s take a look at the least successful offspring of former NBA stars.
1. Patrick Ewing Jr.: While his father is one of the greatest centers in league history, junior is yet to play a minute in the regular season. After being drafted by the Kings in 2008, he was a throw-in to the Ron Artest trade with Houston and was then shipped to New York for the rights to Frederic Weis, who’s reportedly still spitting out Vince Carter’s pubes. Ewing averaged 3.7 points and 1.7 rebounds in three preseason games and was cut in favor of Anthony Roberson and Jerome James. He was recently waived by his D-league team after spraining his MCL.
2. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Jr.: Best as I can tell, the 32-year-old son of the NBA’s all-time scoring leader is no longer playing basketball, solely based on this informative section on Abdul-Jabbar Sr.’s Wiki page. The only other evidence of junior’s professional career is his Delta Jammers profile, which along with a terrific scouting report, gives him an ever-slight edge over Ewing Jr. by virtue of his two NBA Summer Pro League Championships. His father must be so proud.
3. Drew Barry: Rick Barry is one of the league’s 50 greatest players, a five time All-NBA team member, and an eight-time All-Star. Drew? Not so much. But he gets credit for appearing in 60 games with the Hawks, Sonics, and Warriors, averaging 2.2 points and 1.9 assists, which can’t be said for his brother Scooter. It’s a shame that he never emerged into a star, robbing the back-page sports editors of “Drew Barry-More!” headlines. And since I can’t find a picture of Barry in the pros, that’s what you’ll get.
4. Danny Schayes: His father Dolph, a 12-time All-Star and eight-time All-NBA Teamer, held the league scoring record at the time of his retirement (19,249). While Danny put up modest averages of 7.7 points and five rebounds per game in 18 seasons, the only thing I remember is getting him confused with Andrew DeClercq. Although it should be noted that both Schayes were inducted it into the ultra-exclusive Hall of Fame of Jewish Athletes.
5. Luke Walton: Yet another Hall of Fame father, Bill Walton won an MVP Award and two championships despite a multitude of injuries. Luke Walton had a career season in 2007/08, putting up 11.4 points and five rebounds per game, but has steadily regressed over the following two years, averaging just five points in 65 games last season. He’s often praised for his “basketball IQ,” which is the equivalent of saying he has a nice personality, and holds the distinction of being the worst professional athlete to ever have his own stalker.
6. Danny Ferry: Bob Ferry played 10 seasons in the NBA, averaging 16.2 points and 9.4 rebounds per game, and won a title as the general manager of the Washington Bullets in 1978. Danny is one of the biggest busts in NBA history, who spurned the Clippers after being drafted and went on to average 7.0 points and 2.8 rebounds in 13 seasons. After riding the bench on the 2003 champion Spurs, he was hired as the GM of the Cavaliers, where he promptly signed Larry Hughes to a five-year, $70 million contract.
7. Sean May: Scott played seven seasons in the NBA, averaging 10.4 points and 4.1 rebounds per game, and won a gold medal in the 1976 Summer Olympics. Sean has nearly matched his father’s production with career averages of 8.5 points and five rebounds, but has played in 82 out of a possible 246 games because of injuries and “conditioning issues.” Let’s put it this way: there’s a huge problem when the first suggested Google search result for your name isn’t your NBA profile, but that you’re fat. I’m serious — go ahead and check.
8. Jon Barry: Forget his father Rick, Jon couldn’t even measure up to his younger brother Brent, whose 2005 championship with the Spurs made the Barrys only the second father-son duo to win NBA titles. Jon had an unspectacular career as an NBA journeyman, averaging 5.7 points over 14 NBA seasons with eight teams, after refusing to report to the Celtics over a contractual dispute (seriously).
9. Damien Wilkens: Though he’s shown flashes of solid play, Damien’s career has been marred by inconsistency. After registering a career-best 9.3 points per game in 2007/08, he shot only 36% from the field on his way to just 5.3 points in 41 appearances this year (maybe it was that kidnap attempt). It must get pretty uncomfortable at family dinners when your father is Gerald Wilkins, who averaged 13 points per game in 13 seasons, and your uncle is legendary Hall of Famer Dominique Wilkins.
10. Coby Karl: Although it’s very hard to imagine now, George Karl was once a 185-pound point guard on the Spurs, and put up 6.5 points and three assists per game in six pro seasons. Coby averaged just 1.8 points in 17 games with the Lakers in 2007/08 and was cut prior to the start of last season. Here’s hoping that Coby, who’s overcome two thyroid cancer surgeries, makes it back to the NBA in time for his father’s next playoff collapse.
Dishonorable Mention:
*Dajuan Wagner: Milt Wagner lasted two seasons in the NBA, averaging 4.1 points in 53 games and winning a title with the 1988 Lakers. Dajuan’s once promising career was derailed by a serious illness and he’s appeared in just 12 games since being out with a colon.
*Matt Guokas, Jr.: Matt Jr. put up 5.8 points per game in 10 seasons, while his father averaged 1.7 points in one year in the the Basketball Association of America (later absorbed into the NBA). The Guokases were technically the first father-son duo to win (undeserved) NBA championships.
The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..
Round 2: #1 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #5 Houston Rockets.. (more…)
The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..
Round 1: #1 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #8 Utah Jazz.. (more…)
The 2009 NBA-NCAA Challenge, Brought to you by Pepperidge Farm, first round matchup between three-seed Arizona & six-seed Texas here on Saturn. That certainly has a ring to it!
Get it? Get it?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT?
Seriously, I can’t hear if you get it or not. Reception on Saturn friggin’ sucks. (more…)
I grew up in the Great State of Maine. Vacationland! The air was clean, the people were pleasant and the moose were always standing in the middle of the road like dolts. Get out of the damn road, moose! 
The Bangor Daily News was how we got our updates on the daily goings-on of this wonderful world we live on (or in, if you’re one of those dastardly Mole People; Damn you Mole People!!!). It’s not exactly a high-powered journalistic machine. I believe the headline today has something to do with an ‘igloo expert.’ But it got the job done, and it had bright colorful pictures to delight the eyes.
When it came to sports coverage, the BDN left much to be desired. Our biggest editorialist/columnist was Bangor’s own Gary Thorne. A fantastic announcer. Not the greatest writer, though. And he’s the asshole who furthered the whole Curt Schilling’s bloody sock was fake conspiracy theory. So screw him. Nope, when Mainers needed real sports coverage we needed to head all the way down I-95 to Beantown; home of The Most Giantest Douche In All The Land, Dan Shaughnessy.
Dan Shaughnessy is a douche. This has been said before. It was actually said in that last paragraph. But it needs to be said again. Dan Shaughnessy is a douche. He comes from the old school of New England sports fans, steeped in overnegativity and pessimism. I’ve still got my fair share of that stuff too, but I do my best to conceal it to the outside world. (Probably explains that giant tumor erupting out of the back of my skull..)
Carl Everett once referred to him as the Curly-Haired Boyfriend. I’m just gonna stick with “Douche.”
Now, in the spirit of FireJoeMorgan & BDD, I’m going to tear into Mr. Shaughnessy with the feverish ravenousness of a mongoose ripping through the softened intestines of a recently-dead longshoreman..
(Shaughnessy’s doucheiness in bold, my clever rejoinders in plain.)
This Matchup Can’t Be Matched
That’s the best title to anything since Dunston Checks In..
They didn’t stick around to watch the commissioner present the gold-ball trophy to Wyc and Pags. They skipped the scene with Bill Russell hugging Kevin Garnett. They were back on the beach long before the duck boats rolled through the Back Bay.
In other words: They didn’t become the first team in the history of professional/collegiate sports to stick around on the court/field and watch the winning team receive their trophy. Those jerks!
They skipped the scene of abject homo-eroticism between KG & Russell. Now that’s what I call ‘passing the torch!’
And they decided to leave Boston for the beaches of Southern California, instead of hanging out an extra day in the town where they were so thoroughly embarrassed the night before. What a bunch of ungrateful assholes!
But how can these Los Angeles Lakers ever forget the sight of Tony Allen flushing a reverse dunk with 1:22 left to make the score 129-86 in the sixth game of the NBA Finals? It was embarrassing and humiliating. And it was just eight months ago.
And now Luke Walton is pregnant! Explain yourself, Tony Allen!!
Tonight the Lakers are back in the Garden.
We have to stop calling this place the Garden. It sickens me. I never got to go to the Garden. I was a poor country boy whose parents couldn’t afford to go to the big city on a whim. That arena was born the Fleet Center and it shall die the Fleet Center.
It’s got to feel like revisiting the place where you totaled your sports car five minutes after peeling out of the dealership. Frightening flashbacks. Like Buckner walking into Shea.
Jeez Lou-freeking-weeze. He really can’t go a week without bringing up Buckner. Where’s my bullhorn? (adjusts bullhorn volume) WE HAVE WON TWO WORLD SERIES IN FOUR YEARS. THE MASSES HAVE BEEN SATED! ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING BUCKNER REFERENCES. LET HIM DIE IN PEACE! I REPEAT, ENOUGH WITH THE MOTHERLOVING BUCKNER REFERENCES YOU RED-HEADED BIG BIRD STUNT DOUBLE!!
This is the place where something bad happened.
Where are we? The abortion clinic where Dan Shaughnessy miraculously survived?
It’s an NBA event, as big as any regular-season game. The Celtics and Lakers meet only twice (pre-playoffs), and Boston’s annual Staples Center game was the highlight of ABC’s Christmas package.
Ha, package.
We all remember that one. The Celtics walked into Los Angeles with a 27-2 record and a franchise-best 19-game winning streak and got whupped down the stretch by Pau Gasol, of all people. The loss sent the Green into a 2-7 dip that emboldened Eastern Conference challengers from Cleveland, Orlando, and Detroit.
And then Bill Buckner! And 9-11! Nazis! Ahhhh!!
Hall of Famer Bill Walton,
(my more-talented, more-laid, more-high, equally-annoying doppelganger)
enjoying a solid second act as a television analyst (and proud dad of Lakers forward Luke Walton), watched the Christmas special from home, just as he will tonight in Southern California.
The damn hippie..
“[Rajon] Rondo did not play well in that game in Los Angeles and he is such a critical component,” said the man who won a ring with the Celtics in 1985-86.
Oh, the Buckner Years?
“The Celtics were playing great ball at the time, just as they are now. They went into a two-week funk after that game when nobody was contributing. The second string, particualry Big Baby [Glen Davis], has to have an impact on every game for them. The Celtics just started that game way too slow.
I like how, in a Boston newspaper, they have to explain to you who Big Baby is. I could’ve sworn Bill was referring to a fat infant who plays professional basketball. (Dribbling joke)
Order has been restored to the universe since the Scroogey Christmas. The Celtics come into tonight’s game with a 12-game winning streak and the best record in the NBA as the basketball world braces for (hopefully) yet another Boston-LA championship series in June.
A long winning streak and the best record in the league prior to playing the Lakers? What could possibly go wrong!
The Lakers are certainly doing their part, tied with Cleveland for the second-best record in the league, holding a six-game lead over the Spurs in the race for the best record in the West. We won’t see the Lakers at their best because they are playing their third road game in four nights
Baby’s tired..
and will be without 21-year-old mastodon Andrew Bynum,
Did you know that ‘mastodon’ is Greek for ‘nipple-tooth’? Truth..
who is out for at least a couple of months with a tear of the medial collateral ligament in his right knee.
Sampson!
Bynum was the missing ingredient last spring when the Celtics had their way with the softshell Californians.
Mmm, Softshell Californians with drawn butter..
Kobe Bryant will certainly be here tonight.
Crap.
Kobe dropped 61 on the Knicks Monday night - a Madison Square Garden record. He was outplayed by Paul Pierce in last year’s Finals and no doubt that nags him.
(Insert doofus Lakers fans ‘wheelchair’ jokes here..)
Meanwhile, the champs have won their last two games without Kevin Garnett. KG is expected to be back on the floor tonight. Who could miss this one?
Bynum will miss it..
Forget about Garnett, this game is The Big Ticket. Rich, famous, and fortunate sons are sure to be at courtside, just as they were in Los Angeles on Christmas Day,
CCR will be there? Sweet..
But it’s more than an event. It’s a regular-season game with true meaning.
That actually sounds like less than an event.
The winner gains an edge in the crucial quest for home-court advantage in the playoffs.
“This game will mean everything and it very likely could determine the championship,” said Walton, no stranger to hyperbole.
We might as well just skip the Finals altogether. Clippers, draft Blake Griffin. Now!
“That’s the way these teams have to look at it. Home-court advantage is just critical.
Kinda like how my comatose body is just critical after reading this tripe.
“One thing this young Laker team learned last year is how incredibly powerful a force home-court advantage is for the Celtics. These players grew up when the Celtics were down, so they never saw it. Now they know that Celtic fans are incredible in what they do to inspire the home team and intimidate the road team. It can be devastating, as it was to the Lakers last year.”
Holy Crap, Dan. Interview two people! Does he have anybody else’s phone numbers? I know he has Buckner’s, but that’s just for late nights and heavy breathing..
Anybody got extra tickets?
Nope.
Tonight’s game reminds me of an odd phone message from 21 winters ago.
Hoo boy.. This is beginning to turn into Taxi Cab Confessions..
And “21 winters”? Who are you, Jack Frost? Why don’t you go four score yourself..
The Lakers were coming to town to play the Celtics in their annual regular-season game and Tigers shortstop Alan Trammell called me for tickets. How crazy is that?
Soooooooooooooo crazyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! Raaaaaaarrrr!!
Shaughnessy told this story to Kevin Garnett and you know how he responded? 
Trammell had finished second in the American League MVP voting that year.
Damn you, George Bell!!!
Like the Celtics and Lakers, he was at the top of his game.
Yeah, when I think of excellence, I think of The Celtics…The Lakers…and Alan Trammell.
We barely knew one another,
But we made love deep into the night..
but he figured I might be able to help.
Oh.
The Celtics were happy to oblige, so Trammell flew from San Diego to Boston just to see one regular-season game.
You mean, he didn’t stay in town to attend the next twelve regular season matchups? What a maroon!
The Lakers won it, 115-114, on a 20-foot shot by Magic over the Chief at the buzzer.
Are you positive that’s how it ended?
Nailed it.
Here we are again. New faces, same teams, same intensity.
And yet Alan Trammell is nowhere to be found. Just doesn’t seem the same without him..
Anybody got extra tickets?
Again, nope. Aren’t you an area sports journalist or something?
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com.
Yeah, see? Right there. You’re a Globe columnist. Ask them, they might be able to help you out.
~~~
In the words of one Eli from the Class of 2005: Ah deed eet!
Christ, he’s long-winded. If this becomes a regular feature on Lowposts, please alert my next of kin.
It’s gonna be a big game tonight, let’s all enjoy it. Whether we hate the Lakers (me), hate the Celtics (probably you), or hate Bill Buckner. And let’s pray to the Gods above that somebody splurges and buys Ol’ Danny Boy that ticket he’s been needling for. Dig deep, America!
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