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We’ve previously touched upon fascinating tie-ins between hip-hop and the NBA, where ballers want to be rappers and rappers want to be ballers. Yet another example of the connection between the two cultures comes courtesy of LeBron James’ brief cameo in Jay-Z’s video for “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-tune),” which is by no means random or unexpected, since the Cavaliers superstar just happens to be best buds with the part owner of the New Jersey (Brooklyn) Nets. The real fun comes when our favorite NBA players make very odd and at times completely inexplicable appearances in popular music videos.

Shaquille O’Neal, Alonzo Mourning, Larry Johnson, Tom Gugliotta, LaPhonso Ellis, Harold Miner, Steve Smith, Christian Laettner — Naughty by Nature, “Hip Hop Hooray (NBA Remix):” Okay, so it’s not an official music video, but a basketball-themed remix recorded for NBA Inside Stuff. Meh, close enough. Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta’s fake punching is hilarious in itself, but this is an unintentional comedy classic thanks to Christian Laettner, decked out in a beige turtleneck and waving his arms as he lip syncs, “I live and die for hip hop.” This can never be topped.

Alonzo Mourning, Alex English, Walt Williams, Muggsy Bogues, Charles Smith — Hootie and The Blowfish, “I Only Wanna Be with You:” Hooping with the spectacular NBA Jam: T.E. combo of Zo and Muggsy is one thing, but what in the world are Alex English, who’d been retired for three years, and Charles Smith, notorious for his four straight missed lay-ups, doing there? Was Cherokee Parks not available? Anthony “Pig” Miller? Zan Tabak? On the other hand, Hootie gets major props for showcasing Walt Williams, one of very few wins for the mid-90’s Kings.

Magic Johnson — Michael Jackson, “Remember the Time:” This must’ve been the moment when Michael Jackson made Magic a better point guard. Playing one of the Pharaoh’s (Eddie Murphy) bare-chested guards — or aids, if you’re as bad a person as I am — Magic for once escapes without completely butchering the English language in his four lines of dialogue. As is our custom, let’s now take a few minutes to watch a classic clip from the brilliance that was and always will be ”The Magic Hour.”

Larry Hughes — Nelly, “Dilemma:” Kelly Rowland of Destiny’s Child is seeing Hughes, but can’t stop creeping with Nelly on the side…hence the dilemma in the title. True story: Nelly started wearing his trademark band-aid after repeatedly getting hit in the face by errant Hughes bricks on the basketball court.

Kobe Bryant — Destiny’s Child, “Bug A Boo:” Beyonce and the ladies (they really like ballers, apparently) walk into a male locker room, stroll past a few half-naked men, and then get a stare-down from Kobe Bryant, who’s furiously tying his shoes on the bench. Much like Bryant’s ill-fated rap career, there’s no rhyme or reason to it whatsoever, though thankfully Mr. K.O.B.E. doesn’t pick the up mic here.

Corey Maggette, Baron Davis — Common, “Drivin’ Me Wild:” Okay, so maybe the NBA cameos sort of makes sense, since Common raps about a woman being with “the ball player from the Clippers,” Maggette’s team at the time, and in a bit of a stretch, Baron Davis became a Clipper himself a year later. I’m just disappointed that Chris Kaman couldn’t land this part…that would’ve been epic.

Jalen Rose — Styles P,“Good Times (I Get High):” I mentioned this once before, but are my eyes deceiving me, or is that Jalen Rose DJing at the 2:41 and 3:06 marks? I’m sure David Stern was ecstatic that one of his players was in a song promoting smoking marijuana on a daily basis.

UPDATE: Anthony Mason tears it up on the court in some short shorts in Diamond D’s “Best Kept Secret:”

Fifty-eight days since the last Dan Shaughnessy basketball column. He hasn’t written since Game 1 of the Chicago series when he proclaimed the Boston Celtics season officially over.

Fifty-eight days! 58! Did he fall in a well?

This week, Dan congratulates Lakers fans in the classiest way he knows how. By shitting on their parade.

Even the most diehard of Celtics fans begrudgingly gave Lakers fans their due respect. Not ‘Ol Danny Boy, though!

To the FJM/BDD plagiarism! (more…)

Imagine my disappointment when the Celtics season came to a close and I realized one thing: No more Dan Shaughnessy/Bob Ryan slamfests. Non-basketball-related zingers can still be found here all summer long at the crappiest website in Crapland (where’d you learn to format? back of a cereal box), but no clean-cut pretty Wordpress posts with awesome photoshops and Bob Ryan’s trademark windbag grin.

Now, imagine my jubilant surprise when I open up the Globe this morning (the inkless version) to find…dun dunaNA! A Bob Ryan basketball column!

Must be about the Celtics somehow.. KG’s knee? Big Baby’s contract? Doc Rivers’ plummet back to mortal Earth? Rajon Rondo’s ascension to godliness?

Nope. It’s about the failure that is Lebron Cornelius James.

It’s been twenty days since I’ve hurt Irishmen’s feelings. Lemme see if I remember how..

Let the hate flow from your fingers like a thousand crystal shards.. (more…)

One of my favorite hobbies as a kid was collecting Kenner Starting Lineups (SLUs).  First released in 1988, these were typically four-inch figures of the biggest stars in the four major sports.  At one point, I had over 100 of them hanging up in my old room, carefully kept in their original packages. I can only hope my parents didn’t throw them away when they remodeled the house after I moved out.  Generally, only the best and most popular players in the league were rewarded with SLUs, but once in a while, Kenner would inexplicably release a figure of someone who clearly didn’t belong on the same shelf as Jordan, Shaq, and Magic.  Here are some of the most questionable NBA Starting Lineups ever made.

1. Luc Longley (1997): Okay, so Longley was the default starting center on three Chicago Bulls championship teams, but how does a guy with career averages of 7 points and 5 rebounds get his very own action figure? I’d understand it if it was an Australia-only release, since according to Wikipedia, Luc “is widely regarded as one of the best Australian basketballers ever,” amongst such other greats as Chris Anstey, Andrew Bogut, Shane Heal, and Luke Schenscher. But none of those guys have SLUs!

2. Eric Montross (1995): The only reason Montross doesn’t get the top spot on the list is because the figure came out prior to his first NBA season, in which he averaged a respectable 10 points and 7 rebounds. But of course, he’d go on to become the poor-man’s Shawn Bradley — in fact, I’m pretty sure they just painted over his original 1994 SLU — without the blocks (think about that statement for a second). Seriously, how does a seven-footer average less than a block a game?

3. Pooh Richardson (1996): Jerome “Pooh” Richardson had a few good years in the early ’90s with the Timberwolves, but by the time this figure came out, Pooh (that nickname fits perfectly) was on his way out of the league. In 1996, he was a backup on the Clippers behind the incomparable Darrick Martin — I don’t know which of those statements is harder to believe — and averaged less than five points per game over his final three seasons. But on the other hand, his nickname still makes me giggle.

4. Loy Vaught (1997): I’m all for giving obscure and underrated players a little attention…but Loy Vaught? First of all, there should’ve been a ‘No Clipper’ policy after the, um, Pooh fiasco. And second, does anyone actually have any idea who he is? Much like Richardson, Vaught had a few solid but unspectacular years, and then sharply fell off, barely averaging three points over the next four seasons. And like the old saying goes, if a Clipper averages 16 points and 10 rebounds and no one is around to hear it…

5. Todd Day (1993): Sure, Day was a solid NBA role player who averaged 12 points over his career and would blossom into an All-ABA 1st Teamer with the Arkansas Rimrockers.  The figure was released during his rookie season, but even if the 1992 NBA Draft wasn’t too spectacular after the first three picks, how does he make the cut over Jim Jackson, LaPhonso Ellis, and Tom Gugliotta? Then again, maybe we should be thankful that no one at Kenner was a huge Adam Keefe fan at the time.

6.  Stacey Augmon (1993 & 1994): One Augmon figure would’ve probably been one too many, but two SLUs of a guy who put up less than 15 points and 5 rebounds from 1992 to 1995 and never made an All-Star Team?  Was the first one such a huge seller — it can now be yours for $0.97 — that the the public demanded more Augmon? On another note, I’ve always been mad at Kenner for missing out on a fantastic marketing opportunity with stretchable “Plastic Man” dolls.

7. Rik Smits (1998): Since 1998 marked the final year of NBA Starting Lineups, Kenner decided to go out with a bang, releasing figures of the league’s brightest stars — Shaq, Kobe, Garnett, Iverson, a throwback Magic Johnson…and Smits. Now, the Dunkin’ Dutchman had a solid NBA career and all, and also made his first and only All-Star Game appearance that season, but why in the world was he one of the 16 players in the final SLU set, especially since it’s actually his second piece?

8. Manute Bol (1992): I’m willing to bet that Bol is the only player in SLU history who averaged less than a basket that season, and has embarrassed himself on a nationally-televised celebrity boxing show (though Bryant Reeves and Harold Miner can’t be too far behind). Bol also holds the distinction of being the first and only player who freaked me out when I first saw his picture (I refuse to believe this is real), and I would’ve needed serious therapy if Kenner altered the figure’s body shape to his likeness.

Mattel Superstars of the NBA / NBA Jams: I was originally only going to focus on Kenner SLUs, but I came across a list of players from Mattel’s two follow-up releases from 1999 and 2000. ‘Superstars‘ were slightly slimmer SLU-like figurines, while ‘Jams’ put over-sized heads on the player’s bodies a la NBA Jam; personally, I think they’re some of the scariest toys ever made. Once again, most of the names in each set make sense (Kobe, Garnett, Iverson, etc), but there were a few oddities.

Shawn Kemp, Cavs: Using the words “Kemp,” “Cavaliers,” and “jams” in the same sentence is just cruel.

Shawn Bradley, Mavs: How exactly does a backup center who averages 8 points and 6 rebounds qualify as a superstar? Unless they meant, “NBA Jams…on Bradley.”

Rodney Rogers, Clippers: No insensitive jokes here (best wishes, Rodney), but  another Clipper? What’s this world coming to?

Dishonorable Mention:

Mark Eaton (1988): There were quite a few players I don’t even know in the 1988 set (Johnny Dawkins, Winston Garland, Dennis Hopson), but Eaton stands out because his figure was short-printed, making it one of the most valuable NBA SLUs ever made. That’s right, Mark Eaton’s figure is worth more than any of Michael Jordan’s.

B.J. Armstrong (1994): Which was more undeserved — the SLU or the All-Star selection?

Jeff Hornacek (1988, 1995): Two Horny’s, seven years apart…I’d make a joke here, but I’m already on thin ice with the Mormons.

Calbert Cheaney (1994): Another one of those predictions that didn’t quite pan out.

Kurt Rambis (1995): Oh, if only…

Once the offseason begins in a few months, basketball headlines will be dominated by news of NBA players being lured by big money in Europe.  While it still seems unlikely that superstars in their prime such as LeBron James or Kobe Bryant would seriously consider playing overseas, many key players such as Josh Childress, who averaged 10 points and 5 rebounds in 15 games for Olympiacos this season, have jumped over to the Euroleague.  The common perception has been that even unspectacular and over the hill NBA players would dominate the inferior competition.   Part I will take a look at how a few stars, as well as a couple of busts, have fared in Europe after playing in the NBA.  Part II will focus on European players who’ve come over to the US.

Dominique Wilkins: It was all Greek to ‘Nique when he signed with Panathinaikos in 1995 at the age of 35. He was named the Final Four MVP after putting  up 21 points and 7 rebounds per game and leading the team to its first European Championship.  Wilkins returned to the NBA in 1996 and led San Antonio in scoring, though Spurs fans likely appreciate him more for the 20-62 record that allowed them to draft Tim Duncan.  Wilkins played in Italy in 1997, and at 39, finished his career with one non-Highlight season in Orlando.

Magic Johnson: After Magic retired from the Lakers for a second time in 1996, he bought and played for Magic M7, a team from the Swedish town of Borås (high-five!). Two seasons later, the 42-year-old bought a Denmark team, the Great Danes, and always the modest one, once again renamed it after himself. Johnson suited up for two games on the Magic Great Danes, averaging 9 points, 12 rebounds, 13 assists and 9 turnovers.  It doesn’t look like anyone was going for that ball-fake though.

Scottie Pippen: When Pippen failed to land with an NBA team in 2007 after a three-year retirement, he took his game to Finland at the age of 42. He averaged 11 points and 8 rebounds in two games for ToPo, going a Starks-esque two for 16 from behind the arc, and then put up 21 points, 12 rebounds, six assists in his final game for the Sundsvall Dragons. Pippen said his motivation was to “inspire young Scandinavians.”  I’m sure it had nothing to do with trying to avoid bankrupcy.

Bob McAdoo: A three-time scoring champ in his early years, McAdoo averaged less than 12 points per game over his final six injury-plagued NBA seasons. At the age of 35, he signed with Tracer Milan and went on to average over 25 points and 8 rebounds per game, winning two league titles in six seasons.  When he retired in 1992 at the age of 41, McAdoo worked as the basketball technical adviser (whatever that means) for the classic Kevin Bacon movie, “The Air Up There” (seriously).

Trajan Langdon: The most famous Alaskan athlete of all-time (sounds like an oxymoron), Langdon was drafted by the Cavs in 1999 and averaged five points per game on 41% shooting over three seasons . He’s since played in Italy, Turkey, and Russia, where he was named Euroleague Finals MVP in 2008. Langdon was cut by the Clippers in training camp in 2004, which pretty much sums up his chances of making an NBA comeback at the age of 31.

Anthony Parker: Parker was out of the NBA by 2000 after averaging just two points per game in three seasons with the 76ers and Magic. He signed with the Israeli club Maccabi Tel Aviv, where he led the team to numerous titles, including two Euroleague championships,and won two MVPs. He returned to the NBA in 2006 after a six-year absence, and has become one of the league’s best shooters with the Raptors. However, he’ll always have to live with the shame of not being able to beat his little sister in a game of one-on-one.

Bonzi Wells: Wells put up 12 points per game in 10 NBA seasons before signing a $40-thousand contract (you read that correctly) with a team in China. The 32-year-old quickly became a Chinese Basketball Association legend, averaging over 34 points in 14 games. However, ‘Banzai’ became an unfortunate victim of the Chinese Sports Illustrated cover jinx (yes, that’s a real magazine) when he failed to return to the team after the Chinese New Year and lost his roster spot to Tim Pickett.

Dennis Rodman: Where hasn’t the Worm been? And we’re just talking about basketball here. Rodman played three games for the UK Brighton Bears in 2006, one game for Pippen’s Finland team the following year, and two exhibition games in the Philippines in 2006. Not to mention, that since appearing in 12 games with the Mavericks in 2000, he’s had brief stints with three different ABA teams and was negotiating with another club as recently as last season at age 46 (!). In a completely unrelated story, he’s broke.

Quick Hits:

*Roy Tarpley: was twice banned from the NBA for cocaine and alcohol abuse, and put up solid numbers over seven years in Greece and Cyprus. He again filed for reinstatement in 2003, but was denied reentry. In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to list Vin Baker as his sponsor.

*Reggie Theus: spent one year in Italy in between 13 years in the NBA and four with the Deering Tornadoes.

*Kenny Anderson: was released by the Clippers and then the Zalgiris Kaunas (Lithuania) in successive seasons. I’m not sure which is the bigger insult.

*Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf: played in Russia, Italy, and Greece, and is currently in the Saudi Arabian league. Apparently none of those countries’ flags are symbols of oppression and tyranny.

*Eddie Johnson:  led Olympiakos to the Greek Championship in 1994/95, before playing four more years in the NBA and debating a name change, .

*Tom Chambers: played for Maccabi Tel Aviv during the 1995/96 season before returning to the NBA for two more years, and is um, currently planning a comeback at the age of 49.

*Byron Scott:  led Panathinaikos to a Euroleague title and won the Finals MVP award in 1997 after his final season in the NBA with the Lakers.  Then again, just about anything would’ve be better than playing with Kobe Bryant again.

*Darryl Dawkins: Chocolate Thunder barely drizzled in Italy for five years after retiring from the NBA in 1989. He later attempted two unsuccessful comebacks with the Nuggets in 1994 and the Celtics in 1995.

*Rolondo Blackman: won the Italian Champion with Stefanel Milano in 1996 after a short stint in Greece. Contrary to popular belief, he and Renaldo Balkman are two different people.

We’ve previously looked at one side of the unique connection between rap and basketball — NBA players who’ve tried to (unsuccessfully) release rap albums.   A much more common phenomenon in today’s hip-hop/hoops era finds rappers mentioning basketball players in their lyrics.  In fact, it’s almost impossible to listen to a rap album and not hear a musician compare himself or his counterparts to his favorite players, usually with something lame like, “I’m number one like Tracy McGrady.”  There were probably more clichéd references to Shaq missing free throws in the mid-’90’s than, well, the actual number of missed free throws by the big man.  While Michael Jordan, LeBron James, and Allen Iverson, to name a few, have been name-dropped hundreds of times (according to Slam, Jordan has been acknowledged over 150 times himself), here are some of the more original and memorable rap lyrics that mention NBA stars.

Clyde, Rick Barry, and Pistol Pete,
Now these players, could never be beat,
Isiah, and Iceman too,
Just give ‘em the ball, and then you talk up too,
Dantley and Wilkins are on the scene,
And Ralph Sampson is really mean,
Bill Russell didn’t take no junk,
And Darryl Dawkins got a monster dunk

– Kurtis Blow “Basketball” (1984)

A hip-hop pioneer and a knowledgeable NBA fan, Kurtis Blow referred to dozens of other NBA superstars such as Julius Erving, Wilt Chamberlain, and Magic Johnson in his hit single. While the lyrics and video are badly outdated — not to mention that Blow is a dead-ringer for Dave Chappelle’s Prince — the song was monumental in establishing an early connection between rap and basketball. It’s since been used in commercials, including the Lil’ Penny ads, and was unfortunately remade by Lil’ Bow Wow in 2002 . Let’s just pretend that never happened.

Max mostly, undivided, then slide in, sickenin’
Guaranteed, made em jump like Rod Strickland

– Wu-Tang Clan “Triumph” (1997)

I have no idea why rappers love Strickland so much. Not only is he also mentioned on “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing Ta F’ With,” but his name appears on Pharoahe Monch’s “Official,” (”I walk the earth with my Rod in this Strick-land”), DMX’s “Sincerity” (”straight to the hole, like Rod Strickland”), and Method Man’s “Evil Streets” (”then the plot thickens, on point like Rod Strickland”). Is it just because his name is so easy to rhyme?  It’s too bad that Strick’s propensity to puke hot dogs during Wizards games (I actually saw this live once) never made it into a song.

“Who slam harder? Onyx or Vince Carter? (ONYX!)” – Onyx, “Slam Harder” (2002)

Carter’s name is found on countless rap songs, including the chorus of this commercial single. The funny thing is that by 2002, Vince wasn’t really slamming anymore, sitting out with a knee injury and eventually declaring that he “[didn't] want to dunk anymore.” “Slam Harder” was supposed to be Onyx’s comeback anthem, a follow-up to their 1993 hit “Slam,” but never translated into good album sales. The lesson here, as Raptors fans will be quick to tell you, is don’t rely on Vince Carter for anything.

Worry, I’m not Mike Jordan, of the mic recordin’
Hovi, baby, you Kobe, maybe Tracy McGrady
Matter fact, you Harold Miner, J.R. Rider, washed up on marijuana
Even worse you a Pervis Ellis, you worthless, fella
You ain’t no athlete, you Shawn Bradley

– Jay-Z “Pump It Up [Remix]” (2003)

Jay-Z is no stranger to NBA similes, foreshadowing his own comeback on “Encore,” (”come back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5“), and likening his competitors to Sam Bowie on “Hola Hovito.”  His verse on the remix of Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up” prompted rumors of a feud between the two rappers. If Jay-Z was really battling Budden, himself no stranger to “NBA” allusions, then throwing in four of the biggest busts in league history (including, quite fittingly, Baby Jordan) in a four-bar span was a knock-out punch.

During last season’s playoffs, a war of words between DeShawn Stevenson and LeBron James, who compared the Wizards guard to rapper Soulja Boy, led Jay-Z back in the booth.  The part owner of the New Jersey Nets recorded a Stevenson diss track, “Blow the Whistle,” and is currently working on a new record for LeBron, “To Live and Die in NJ,” to be released in the summer of 2010.

And y’all scared, I can tell / that Im’a get Bucks like Milwaukee, cause like Sam, I Cassell.  – Jadakiss, Put Ya Hands Up (2001)

It’s interesting to hear Cassell’s name pop up so often, since like Strickland, he was never a star player. He’s renowned for being clutch and looking like an alien, both of which are prominently covered by rappers: Drag-On (”And keep a guard wit ya that shoot, like Sam Cassell”); Cassidy (”And if I don’t sell, and plans should fail, man it’d get ugly like Sam Cassell”); and Redman (”Call me the Sam Cassell, shots two minute on the clock, cops know the SL handle well”). I only have one request — can someone make a testicle dance video before Sam retires?

“I’m just Kidd-in’ like Jason.” — Nelly, “Hot in Herre” (2002)

Nelly made a quick (and not particularly witty) play on words using Jason Kidd’s name on his biggest hit. Seriously though, Nelly, is that the best you could do, considering all we know about the husband of the year? How about, “I spit rhymes like J-Kidd spits french fries?” Yeah, this is probably why I’m not a rapper.

Quick Hits:

Snoop Dogg, Hoop Dreams (1999): Snoop imagines playing point guard for the Lakers and even makes a couple of transactions: “And we traded for a few players, some Pacers, Miller and Mullin, and now they Lakers.” Maybe the Clippers should consider hiring him instead of Isiah for that executive position?

Jay-Z, “La, La, La (Excuse Me Again)” (2004): “And I’m the Franchise like the Houston Rockets…” Just imagine Steve Francis’ excitement here, right before Jay finishes the line with, “…Yao Ming!”  Burn!

Wu-Tang Clan, “Starter” (2007):  “You’s starter, like Candace Parker, take flight like Skywalker, might wolf it on ya father.”  The whole first verse is about Candace Parker, and believe me, it only gets worse from here.

Wu-Tang Clan, “Soul in the Hole” (1999): “Sore losers take off they jersey, cause they ain’t James Worthy.”

Public Enemy, “Rebel Without a Pause” (1988): “I’ll throw it down your throat like Barkley.”

The Roots, “Ain’t Sayin’ Nothing New” (1999):  “I just back-slap that ass like Shaq did Ostertag.”

Nas, “These Are Our Heroes” (2004): “From OJ to Kobe, uh let’s call him Tobe … Yo, you can’t do better than that? The hotel clerk who adjusts the bathroom mat?”

Nelly Furtado: “Promiscuous,” (2006): “Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?”  It’s not rap, but it features and is produced by Timbaland.

Gnarls Barkley: the group name; Cee-Lo was a rapper in his former life.

Styles P, “Good Times (I Get High)” (2005): No rap references in the lyrics, but, um, is that Jalen Rose DJing at the 2:41 and 3:06 marks??

The only rapper who’s come close to playing in the NBA is Percy “Master P” Miller — hard as it is to believe now — who was on the preseason rosters of the Charlotte Hornets in 1998 and the Toronto Raptors in 1999.  Although he never appeared in a regular season game, he put out a mixtape in honor of his achivements.  Maybe one day, his son, Lil’ Romeo, a rap artist in his early teens who currently plays for USC will become the first true rapper-turned-baller. (Checks Romeo Miller’s stats).  Maybe not.

There’s usually nothing funny about an athlete missing games with an injury.  But once in a while, a player gets hurt by doing something so stupid or humiliating, that you can’t help but laugh.   Bill Gramatica tearing his ACL after celebrating a meaningless field goal, Gus Frerotte head-butting a padded cement wall in the endzone, and Sammy Sosa blowing out his back with a violent sneeze are just a few infamous examples from other sports.  Here are some of the funniest (and dumbest) injuries from the NBA.

Pervis Ellison, Celtics: “Out of Service Pervis” (then-teammate Danny Ainge’s affectionate nickname) sure made it stressful for Boston in the late-90’s.  The oft-injured Ellison missed most of the 1996/97 season after dropping a coffee table on his foot and breaking his big toe in 11 places. He’d play 78 games over the next four seasons combined, using most of his free time to grow out those awesome dreads. Ironically, Kendrick Perkins missed time earlier this season after his bed somehow collapsed on his toe.  The Ghost of Pervis lives!

Kevin Johnson, Suns:  After Johnson hit a game-winning shot, Charles Barkley celebrated by wrapping him up in a big bear hug.  Barkley squeezed so tightly, that he popped and dislocated KJ’s shoulder.  Uh, how about you just stick to the homoerotic butt-slapping next time, guys? Then again, that was probably not the best advice for Sir Charles while he was serving his three-day jail sentence.

Tony Allen, Celtics: In January 2007, Allen decided to showboat by going up for an uncontested dunk, well after the referee blew the whistle to stop the game.  He came down awkwardly on his right leg, and ended up missing the rest of the season with a torn ACL and MCL.  Although he returned after only nine months, he still hasn’t regained the speed and quickness he once showed on the court.  And the worst part is that he didn’t even make the dunk!

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bucks:  In a 1974 pre-season game, Abdul-Jabbar was pushed and inadvertently poked in the eye by Don Nelson.  Kareem was so mad that he turned around and punched the backboard support.  He’d sit out the first 16 games of the regular season with a broken hand. It’s too bad that angry Kareem never made a cameo at the 33-second mark of this clip and decked Billy Crystal.

Lionel Simmons, Kings: Simmons missed two games during the 1990/91 season with wrist tendinitis, brought on from playing too much Nintendo Gameboy. As someone who likes to sneak in an occasional game of Tetris during the workday, I feel your pain, Lionel.

Drew Gooden, Magic: Gooden: out (infected hair follicle). Those five words appeared on Orlando’s official injury report on March 7, 2004, ending the forward’s consecutive games played streak at 83.  A relapse in 2007 led an embarrassed Gooden to finally shave the ducktail on the back of his neck. Okay, so the infected hair was on right leg, and I made up that last part (at least as far as I know).

Brad Miller, Kings: Miller missed several games last season after getting stitches to repair a gash on his finger.  He sliced it while washing dishes in his own house, and no, I have no idea what a multi-millionaire athlete was doing hand-washing cups and plates. And couldn’t you come up with something just a little more manly, Brad, even if it was a large butcher knife? Everyone loves a good fight story.

Derrick Rose, Bulls: Similarly to Brad Miller, Rose needed 10 stitches last December after cutting his arm while trying to peel an apple in bed.  I’m guessing that’s not how Vinny Del Negro drew it up…but hey, even if he did, it would still go down as one of his best plays of the year.

Monta Ellis, Warriors:  Ellis severely sprained his ankle during the summer, and missed the first three months of the regular season.  After insisting that he hurt himself while working out, he finally revealed that it happened after he was involved in a low-speed moped accident.   The Warriors suspended Pinocchio for 30 games without pay and decided against hiring Jay Williams as an assistant coach.

Dishonorable Mention:

*Muggsy Bogues: missed the second half of a game after accidentally inhaling ointment fumes while getting treated at halftime.

*Jason Collins: missed the preseason and the start of the regular season after suffering an with an elbow injury when his golf cart skidded and tipped over.

*Latrell Sprewell: broke his hand either when he tripped and fell off his yacht or when he punched a wall, depending on who you ask (he was out of the league at the time).

*Magic Johnson:  having unprotect — nah, let’s not go there for once.

A smile came across my face the other day, when I saw my favorite phrase in sports among the headlines — “planning an NBA comeback.” This time, it was Bryon “Don’t Call Me Byron” Russell — best-known for getting used and abused by Michael Jordan in the 1998 NBA Finals — claiming that he could still help a contender in limited minutes.  I’m not sure why, but I still get a little excited to hear a familiar name and “return” in the same sentence. The list of recent player comebacks is surprisingly limited, but many have given serious consideration to “scratching that itch” one last time.

Of course, the king of comebacks both on and off the court, Michael Jordan, has given us three retirement speeches. The first one came in 1993, when Jordan cited a loss of desire to play basketball — or as rumor has it, was suspended by the commissioner for gambling problems — and tried his hand at minor league baseball. His subsequent comeback in 1995 was certainly memorable. I’ll never forget the ‘I’m Back’ newspaper headlines, the “Sports Illustrated” issue that’s still sitting somewhere in my parents’ attic, and all of the red #45 jerseys in the hallways of my middle school. I stared at the TV wide-eyed, as a rusty Jordan dropped 55 points against the Knicks, and then donned the familiar #23 during the conference semi-finals against Orlando.   But by the time next season rolled around, when the Bulls were on their way to winning 72 games and Jordan was coasting to another scoring title, I suddenly remembered how much I hated MJ before he retired. As a Knicks fan, I couldn’t stand the thought of facing — and losing to — Chicago in the playoffs yet again.  A painful three-peat later, I happily watched the second retirement press conference, and was even more pleased for the invention of the cigar cutter.

My personal favorite comeback, and one that doesn’t get mentioned nearly as much as it should, was Magic Johnson’s return during the 1995/96 season.  Magic retired in 1991 after contracting HIV, and the most notable opponent of Magic’s failed comeback attempt in 1992/93, was of course, a championship-hungry Karl Malone (who played with Johnson on the Olympic team, mind you).  A few years later, Magic finally returned to the hardwood to help the struggling Lakers.  I remember everything about his first game back against the Warriors, from his crazy old-school ball fake in Joe Smith’s face, to wondering whether fat Magic could now fit into his own over-sized Lakers jersey hanging in the rafters.  It still amazes me that at 36,  after not playing competitive basketball for five years, he narrowly missed a triple double with 19 points, 8 rebounds, and 10 assists in 27 minutes.  He would finish the season with averages of 15 points, 6 rebounds, and 7 assists, leading the team to a 22-10 finish.  Unfortunately, his return caused tension among the young Lakers, and despite Pat Riley’s best efforts to convince him to sign with the Miami Heat (how crazy would that have been?), Magic retired for good after Los Angeles lost to Houston in the the playoffs.   He would, however, give us more joy than he could ever imagine on The Magic Hour.  Let’s all take this time to watch a mesmerizing clip of Howard Stern’s appearance on the show.

While Jordan’s first comeback was all but inevitable, the second one caught most people by surprise.  I never thought it would actually happen, but I still refreshed the ESPN homepage countless times, hoping to see those two magic words across the screen once again.   When he stepped on the court in 2001, I found myself feeling a little sorry for the greatest player of all-time.  While he had a few Jordan-like performances, seeing him linger up and down the court on 40-year-old knees and embarrass himself on the grand stage was like watching Al Pacino in “88 Minutes” or Joaquin Phoenix trying to rap. When he finally called it quits in 2003, I figured no former NBA star would risk the same fate after witnessing Jordan’s failures.

While that hasn’t exactly been the case, many comeback attempts have ended before they’ve had a chance to begin.  After Clyde Drexler was voted into the Hall of Fame in 2004, he contemplated coming back as a 42-year-old sixth man.  Scottie Pippen, 41, announced his intentions to return after a three-year hiatus during last season’s All-Star weekend.  Charles Oakley was reportedly serious about playing for the first time in four seasons at age 44 — I’m sure it was just a coincidence that he was writing a book at the time.  Dennis Rodman toiled in the ABA and overseas as recently as 2006, hoping to get a call-up from a desperate contender.  Even Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon wanted to get into the act last season at the age of 45.  Okay, so that last one isn’t real, but it fooled me for a second.   None of these players drew serious interest from NBA teams, probably because there’s only so much Centrum Silver and calcium supplements to go around; and in Scottie’s case, I don’t think anyone wants to see his bald head ever again.

It’s almost hard to believe that Shawn Kemp was 33 when he last played in the NBA in 2002/03, 50 pounds overweight and battling a well-publicized cocaine addiction. He came close to making a comeback in 2006, when the Mavericks agreed to give the slimmed-down Kemp a private workout, and then again in 2007, when the Denver Nuggets gave him serious consideration. I never understood why some team wouldn’t offer him a minimum contract to get more fans in attendance — and I don’t mean all of his children. Kemp ended up signing with an Italian team last summer, but was later cut after failing to arrive on time. At almost 40, it’s not likely we’ll ever see the Reign Man play basketball on TV again…unless it’s on Pros vs. Joes.

One 40-year-old who was heavily courted by NBA teams, Reggie Miller, wisely decided against coming out of his two-year retirement.  In 2000, the Suns convinced Kevin Johnson, who retired after the 1997/98 season, to return after Jason Kidd went down with an injury; Phoenix won its first playoff series in five years. A handful of others have had moderate success at coming back to the NBA — and no, I’m not just talking about Aaron McKie and Keith Van Horn here.  Penny Hardaway, who last appeared in four games with the Knicks in 2005, signed with the Miami Heat last year.  He was released a month into the season, and Lil’ Penny has a better chance of getting another contract.  Allan Houston has twice been cut by the Knicks (that says it all right there) after coming out of retirement in 2007.  Darius Miles returned to play for the Memphis Grizzlies this year, after missing more than two seasons with what the Portland doctors considered to be a career-ending knee injury.  As the accompanying video shows, he hasn’t exactly lit the world on fire.  But sadly, the man with the family to feed, Latrell Sprewell, has been conspicuously quiet despite some recent financial concerns.  Wouldn’t it be fun to watch Spree come back at 38 to help a choking, er, struggling team in the stretch run?

When the Lakers faced the Bulls on February 2, 1996, Magic and Michael appeared on the same court for the first time since 1991 NBA Finals.  I remember a fan in the crowd held up a sign that read, “First Michael, then Magic, how about it Larry?”  Hey, it might not be too late…on second thought, maybe that’s pushing it.  I guess this was all just a long way of saying, I’m pulling for you, Bryon Russell.