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It’s common knowledge that Robert Horry-Will Smith is up there with Stan Van Gundy-Ron Jeremy and Omar Epps-Mike Tomlin as the most uncanny athlete-celebrity resemblance of all-time.   But as it also turns out, Smith and Horry are hardly the only NBA player and famous rapper lookalikes.  Let’s take a look at a few notable examples from recent history.

Kenyon Martin

Method Man

I’ve also always thought that Marcus Camby looked like Method Man, even though he looks nothing like Kenyon Martin. I have no idea how that makes sense.

Ricky Davis

Andre 3000

Hey ya…look just like each other!

Corey Maggette

Xzibit

Pretty sure Mr. X to the Z’s crew represents the West Coast a little better than Maggette’s team…

Josh Smith

The Game

The bigger question is, who’s more overrated?

Devean George

Ice Cube

Fittingly, Ice Cube is as much a rapper nowadays as Devean George is an NBA player…

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Key Offseason Additions: Blake Griffin, Sebastian Telfair, Sebastian Telfair’s handgun, Rasual Butler, Craig Smith, Quentin Richardson’s boarding pass, Mark Madsen’s $2.8-million salary cap hit

Picture all the possibilities...

The Lowdown: After adding two overpaid and injury-prone All-Stars in Baron Davis and Marcus Camby to a young nucleus of Al Thornton and Eric Gordon last summer, many analysts considered the Clippers to be a sleeper playoff team. Well, we all know how that turned out — the same old Clippers finished with the second-worst record in the league, placing among the leaders in worst team field goal percentage and worst opponents’ field goal percentage. Trading for Zach Randolph mid-season tends to do that to a team.

Of course, the basketball gods apparently reward incompetence, since the Clippers were blessed on two fronts. First came the number one pick in an NBA Draft that had one consensus top selection that even Mike Dunleavy couldn’t possibly screw up, as much as he undoubtedly tried. And then came the jaw-dropping trade of Zach Randolph’s two-year, $33-million contract to a GM with even less common sense than Dunleavy (Chris Wallace) in Memphis. It should also be noted that the Clippers flirted with the idea of pairing Allen Iverson with Davis in the backcourt and forming the first ever team that never passes.

The Good: I can’t believe I’m about to write this, but the Clippers actually ended up having one of the best offseasons of any team in the NBA. In fact, the first key offseason addition above shouldn’t even be Rookie of the Year favorite Blake Griffin, but team chemistry, via the aforementioned subtraction of Randolph (though they do still have Ricky Davis).  Baron Davis has reportedly looked more like the player who once resurrected a struggling Warriors franchise than a Kimbo Slice lookalike who shot a putrid 37% from the field last season, while Bassy Telfair is a capable, if not underrated backup who’s amazingly still only 24 years old. If — and this is a big if — Marcus Camby and Chris Kaman can combine to play in 120 games, this could be a team on the rise in a suddenly weaker Western Conference.

Oh, who are we kidding — they’re still the Clippers.

Fantasy Sleeper Alert: Once again, because they are the Clippers, and this bears repeating over and over again, bad things can will happen. Camby and Kaman are obvious threats to go down at any time, and Griffin is already banged up with knee and shoulder injuries. Keep an eye on Craig Smith and DeAndre Jordan, both of whom have been able to produce serviceable numbers when given starter’s minutes.

Prediction: 25-57 — 5th in Pacific Division, 15th in Western Conference

Last week’s look at the strangest NBA player free throw routines touched on a related topic — some of the league’s ugliest shots.  Now, keep in mind that an unorthodox shooting form, such as Reggie Miller’s jumper or even Rick Barry’s underhand free throws, doesn’t neccessarily have to be ugly. But let’s just say that you’d never want the following players to teach your kid how to shoot a basketball.

1. Chuck Hayes: It takes a special kind of ugly to knock Shawn Marion’s flick shot down to number two, but Hayes has earned that right. It would almost be cute if this was a video of a fourth-grader nervously shooting his free throws in front of a big crowd. But, no, this is an NBA player, and its downright disgraceful (although shockingly, he’s a 58% career foul shooter). Before it’s all said and done, he’ll shatter Anthony Mason’s record for most lane violations drawn.

2. Shawn Marion: I don’t think Marion needs an introduction here, since his name came to mind the second you read the title. He shoots the ball from below his shoulders, flinging the ball at the basket with his fingertips like a chest pass. It reminds me of someone playing hot potato with the basketball. But while it makes me cringe every time I see it, it’s also hard to argue with the results — Marion shoots a respectable 48% from the field and 34% from downtown.

3. Bill Cartwright:  How bad was Cartwright’s free throw form?  He retired in 1995, and Lil’ Wayne rapped about it a full decade later. Cartwright raises the ball with both of his arms outstretched, almost as if he’s about to shoot it underhanded, and then places it high over his head. He then goes into his two-handed release, just barely flicking his wrist on the follow-through. Amazingly, he once held the NBA record for most free throws made in a game without a miss (19).

4.  Jamaal Wilkes / Marcus Camby:  I’m grouping these two players together, since their forms are similar in a lot of aspects.  Most notably, each shoots from behind his head, resembling a projectile fired from a catapult.  Marcus Camby’s is slightly more pronounced, and he also takes the ball from the left side of his body, even though he’s a right-handed shooter. It feels like it takes a good 10 seconds for the ball to get from his hands to the rim.

5. Andris Biedrins: Biedrins has developed into a very solid player, perhaps even a borderline All-Star. But he really needs to work on that foul shooting stroke. Not only is his shot missing any semblance of an arc or backspin, but he also appears to just be pushing the ball forward with his left hand; there’s no visible guidance from his right hand whatsoever.  And I don’t think I’ve seen a player get on tippy-toes to reach the basket. Maybe that’s the way they teach it in Latvia?

6. Charles Barkley’s golf swing: Yeah, I know it doesn’t take place on the court, but here’s a Hall of Fame NBA player, an exceptionally coordinated professional athlete, hacking away on the golf course. I’ve barely even touched a club and I’m pretty sure I could do better than that. It brings back memories of watching Tony Batista take a couple of check swings at the plate before grounding out to third base. Or even the immortal Chuck Hayes at the foul line.

7. Josh Childress: Study that photo for a minute, and tell me if Childress’ form doesn’t go against everything you’ve ever learned about shooting a basketball. His right elbow sticks way out to the side, and he ends up releasing the ball with one arm, refusing to use his left hand for guidance. It’s like an ‘if they mated’ mash-up of Shawn Marion’s chest pass and Andris Biedrins’ one-handed push shot.

8. Kevin Martin: Martin is one of the best up-and-coming players in the NBA, but his shot is as awkward as they come.  The release at the top of his jumper appears to be almost picture-perfect, if only he didn’t shoot the ball from his side and swivel his hips as he stepped into his shot.  Please allow me this opportunity to relive past Sacramento Kings glory and watch him go coast to coast for an incredible buzzer-beater against the Spurs in the 2006 NBA Playoffs.

9. Joakim Noah: Noah is certainly no stranger to ugly (cheap joke, but it is what it is). At the free throw line, he puts both of his hands on the side of the ball, and practically passes it towards the rim, a la Marion. He kinda shoots the way I used to when I was eight years old and didn’t have the strength to release the ball with only my right hand. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any video, so here’s the Noah stock photo we had on file.

10. Ronnie Brewer: Stop me if you’ve heard this story before: Brewer broke his arm as a kid in a terrible accident and developed an unusual shooting style because he can no longer fully extend his right elbow. The funny thing is, his stroke is highly effective, as he’s shooting at a 53% clip through his first 2+ seasons in the NBA. Then again, judging from this official team highlight video, he only scores on driving lay-ups and uncontested dunks (shot at the 1:20 mark).

Quick Hits:

*Manute Bol: Sure, you remember Manute Bol. But do you remember Manute Bol shooting threes? It’s best that you don’t…

*Bo Outlaw: Bo would be ranked higher if I could find any video of his horrid jumper.

*Desmond Mason:  I saw him shoot free throws once and I don’t think I’ve been the same since.

*Shaquille O’Neal: obligatory.

Putting my favorite NBA quote into words wouldn’t do it justice. Even if you’ve heard it before, go ahead and play Mark Madsen’s speech from the Lakers’ championship parade.  If a better one-minute clip exists on the interwebs, I’ve yet to see it.  Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to the funniest and dumbest NBA quotes of all-time. In honor of Stephon Marbury, the Tracy Jordan of the NBA, we’ll dish out 14 dimes…and add another 6 assists for good measure.  And please read this post — we’ve got families to feed!

1. “Sam is an idiot. I-D-O-U-T. Idiot.” — Shaquille O’Neal, responding to Chicago Tribune columnist Sam Smith’s suggestion that the Miami Heat should trade the big man. And now we know that Shaq takes spelling lessons from Homer J. Simpson.

2. “I’ve had to overcome a lot of diversity.” — Drew Gooden, on the ups and downs of his NBA career. Damn that diversity, always getting in the way of progress — what’s up with Title IX anyway?

3. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd, after being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks.  And he turned out to be exactly right — the team won 19 games before he arrived, and 26 games in his final season.  Oh, the irony!

4. “I don’t want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.” –Sherman Douglas. If I understood that correctly, Sherm has a detachable mouth?

5. “It’s almost like we have ESPN.” — Magic Johnson, on his relationship with James Worthy.  I’ll bet Magic wouldn’t say that if Stephen A. Smith was on the air back then.  And, man, do I miss The Magic Hour…

6. “He’s one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him.” –- Scottie Pippen, on Tim Duncan.  Now we know the secret to Pippen’s defensive prowess — Scottie is actually Mr. Potato Head.

7.  “I’m like the Pythagorean theorem. Not too many people know the answer to my game.” — Shaquille O’Neal. I don’t understand why NBA teams haven’t hired more high school math teachers to stop him in the paint.

8.  “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” — Doug Collins. See, now this is exactly the kind of stuff Vinny Del Negro should be teaching his young Bulls team.  If you don’t turn the ball over and score more points than your opponent, you’ll win the game…almost always.

9.  “Not really. I’m not a fan of Chinese food” — Bobby Simmons, on whether he’s looking forward to playing in Japan.  On the other hand, Bobby was ecstatic to go travel to Turkey because Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday.

10. “Play some Picasso.” — Chris Morris, to a piano player while trying to impress a date.  Have you hear the “Guernica” remix?  It’s got that neoclassical-soul vibe…

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Bird and Laimbeer share a laugh.

Back in the ’70s, NBA fights were routine, and players were rarely fined, much less suspended for their actions.  That all changed when Kermit Washington delivered “The Punch” to Rudy Tomjanovich’s skull, earning him a 60-day league-mandated suspension.  In the 80’s, Bill Laimbeer of the Detroit Pistons’ Baby Boys was known more his fighing than his rebounding (and he got his butt kicked on more than one occasion).  And of course, we all know about the “The Malice at the Palace,” which was the most serious and damaging brawl in NBA history.  But what about the most memorable minor scuffles and slap-fests of the last 20 years?  Let’s take a look.

1.  Alonzo Mourning vs. Larry Johnson (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 4/30/98:

In the final seconds of Game 4 of the 1st Round playoffs (2:35 mark in the video), Larry Johnson shoved his former Hornets teammate, and Zo retaliated by attempting to throw a punch. The two swung and missed more times than Ryan Howard, but neither was able to connect. The best part is that Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy dived to the ground and grabbed Mourning’s leg while being dragged along the court. This will never be topped. The fight came on the heels of a 1997 brawl, when P.J. Brown flipped Charlie Ward over his head and body-slammed him, resulting in a bench-clearing melee and multiple suspensions for both teams.

2. Chris Mills vs. Bonzi Wells - 12/20/02:

Oh, if only we had video. Mills and Wells were ejected after getting into a shoving match on the court as the game ended, but it didn’t stop there. After Mills couldn’t break into the Blazers’ locker room to confront his enemy, he and and his cousin parked their car in front of Portland’s team bus as it was pulling away from the stadium. He challenged Wells to come out, and then followed the bus all the way out to the airport before driving away. Mills has denied that he was carrying a gun, but would that really surprise anyone? He was suspended three games and Wells was suspended for two.

3. Shaquille O’Neal vs. Brad Miller (with Charles Oakley) - 1/12/02:

Shaq didn’t appreciate a few hard fouls by the Bulls, and took his frustrations out on an unsuspecting Brad Miller. After a flagrant foul courtesy of Charles Oakley, the Diesel reacted by throwing a haymaker at the back of Miller’s head. Luckily, he didn’t connect, or the the Kings wouldn’t have their starting center today. A brawl spilled into the stands, resulting in multiple suspensions; Shaq was suspended for three games, Oak and Miller received one game each.

4. Carmelo Anthony vs. Nate Robinson/Mardy Collins - 12/16/06:

Isiah warned you not to go into the lane! Marty Collins fouled J.R. Smith towards the end of the game, and the two exchanged shoves and had to be separated. And then for some reason, Nate Robinson came into the picture and tackled Smith into the stands. Just when it looked to be over, Melo decided to throw a sucker-punch at Collins, and then back-pedaled away from an irate Robinson. Don’t worry Melo, we all see the Bitch in Yoo for that one. The suspensions were lengthy (games): Anthony (15), Robinson (10), Collins (6), Jared Jeffries (4), plus one game for Jerome James and Nene for leaving the bench area.

5.  Kevin Johnson vs. Doc Rivers (with Greg Anthony) - 3/24/93:

Kevin Johnson body-blocked Doc Rivers to the floor with a stiff forearm, and Rivers charged after him. That precipitated a bench-clearing brawl, that escalated to new heights when Greg Anthony, wearing street clothes, ran in to throw a cheap shot at Johnson just when the fight was being diffused. Anthony was suspended for five games; Johnson and Rivers for two games apiece. Remember that this was 1993 — just imagine what kind of penalties they’d receive today…

6. Kenyon Martin vs. Corey Maggette - 1/6/04:

After Martin committed a hard foul on Maggette, Corey sprung back up and shoved K-Mart to the floor. So, what does Martin do to retaliate? He doesn’t run away like some punk (*cough* Melo *cough*), but jumps back up and gives Maggette a deadly right and left combination before being restrained by his teammates. Maggette, meanwhile, gets held back by Richard Jefferson and takes his beating. Both players were suspended for two games.

7. Kobe Bryant vs. Chris Childs - 4/3/00:

I could’ve put Kobe vs. Ray Allen or Reggie Miller instead but they’re really all the same. Some shoving from both sides and much more talk than action. This one is probably my favorite, just because Childs retaliated to Kobe’s weak elbow with some kind of forearm/punch to the throat (see here) that Kobe seemed to just take. A few more punches were thrown, but of course none of them landed. It’s just a typical NBA scuffle, highlighted only by the star name involved.

8. Marcus Camby vs. Danny Ferry (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 1/15/01:

After getting poked in the eye by Danny Ferry, Marcus Camby took a running start and and threw a windmill punch, despite being held back by several teammates. He ended up missing, because his coach, Jeff Van Gundy (who else), jumped between the two players to break it up. The man is like a bodyguard taking a bullet for the president. Camby was suspended for five games, Ferry for one (not really sure why), and Van Gundy ended up receiving 15…stitches.

9. Karl Malone vs. Dennis Rodman (with Hulk Hogan) - 7/12/98:

Rodman and Malone had so many memorable battles in the Bulls/Jazz Finals on 1997 and 1998, that they decided to settle it once and for all in the wrestling ring. Despite being staged and fake, it remains one of the better fights among NBA players. Here’s a clip from Bash at the Beach 1998 — um, enjoy?

10. Shareef Abdur-Rahim vs. Kenny Thomas - 1/19/02:

Punches slaps were thrown, and both players were ejected and received one-game suspensions. Only mentioned because they’d go on to be teammates in Sacramento and would fight for the starting forward job. Just imagine the locker room tension.

Honorable Mention:

*Latrell Sprewell vs. P.J. Carlesimo - 12/4/97: Spree chocked his coach and earned a 68-game suspension. It didn’t happen on the court, and it’s too bad that we’ll never know how it really went down. Also see: Sprewell vs. yacht wall.

*Matt Bonner vs. Kevin Garnett - 12/15/04:  Yeah, that doesn’t seem like a fair fight. But who knew the Red Rocket had it in him?

*Candace Parker vs. Plenette Pierson (WNBA) - 7/23/08:  I’d rather not talk about this…

The NBA is obviously a hotbed of crazy tattoos.  But while some are creative works of art, others are as generic and unoriginal as they come.  The majority of NBA tats can be grouped into several categories, ranging from standard nicknames to the increasingly-popular use of Chinese characters.  Let’s take a look at each of these and decide which player pulls it off better than the others.  You know, kinda like that US Weekly feature, Who Wore it Best?  Um, wait, forget I said that…

Cartoon Network

Greg Ostertag

Brad Miller

Tim Duncan

Thanks for playing, Brad and Greg (and Damon “Mighty Mouse” Stoudamire), but Timmy is the clear winner here. A serious Dungeons & Dragons fanatic, Duncan has a tattoo of Merlin the Magician (his “alter-ego”) on his back, and another one of Skeleton Jester on his chest. According to the San Antonio Express-News, he actually wanted the back of his NBA jersey to read, “Merlin,” but was denied by the league.  The NBA — where amazing nerdiness happens!

Esoteric Chinese Characters

Shawn Marion

Marquis Daniels

Marcus Camby

We’ll need to consult the fantastic website hanzismatter.com for help with this one. Marion’s tat is supposed to read, “Matrix,” but the literal Chinese translation is “Demon Bird Moth Balls.” Similarly, Daniels’ tattoo is supposed to be of his initials (MAD), but turns out to mean “Healthy Woman Roof.” Camby somehow managed to get his message across correctly (his tattoos mean “strive to be the best” and “clan”), but he makes the cut over a few others for choosing Chinese characters because he “was into a lot of [kung fu] movies.”  His former Nuggets teammate, Kenyon Martin, has a tattoo that’s he thinks means “never satisfied,” but actually reads something a tad less noble: ”to worry about personal gains and losses.”  Daniels gets the prize here — only because he’ll make another appearance right about now…

Fun With Guns

Stephen Jackson

Marquis Daniels

Cherokee Parks

Once again, Daniels wins easily — his tattoo features a guy blowing his head off with a shotgun, while pulling the trigger with his toe. Um…yeah, not much to add here.  Jackson added a tattoo of a pair of praying hands holding a gun on his stomach — in hopes of never using a weapon again — and Parks has an inexplicable (but somehow fitting) gun-toting naked woman on his leg.

My Neck, My Back…

Jameer Nelson

DeShawn Stevenson

LeBron James

Back: It’s a close call, because Jameer Nelson’s 2Pac shout-out scores major points here. But I’m giving it to the originator, LeBron, whose hairy back needed to be waxed four times before that modest message could be applied.

Allen Iverson

Matt Barnes

Kenyon Martin

Neck:  If we’ve learned anything here, it’s that anyone who gets a neck tattoo is not messing around.  I’m going to declare this an unprecedented three-way tie.  Iverson has A LOT of tattoos, and all of them have special meanings, but Matt Barnes is giving AI a run for his money with his staggering collection of bodily art.  Not to be outdone, the pair of lips on Kenyon Martin’s neck are apparently dedicated to his girlfriend (not sure which one).  Dishonorable mention goes to Amare Stoudemire’s choice of lame nickname, which he tattooed in script, and Delonte West, who really creeps me out for some reason.

What’s My Name?

Richard Jefferson

Jason Williams

Mike Bibby

Another tough one. As much as I like the fact that Bibby (who really likes being tattooed) has not one, but two separate tats with his name (plus a couple of others that we’ll discuss shortly), I have to give this one to “White Chocolate.”  You can’t go wrong with a guy who spells out “white boy” across his knuckles.  Props to Jefferson for busting out his etch-a-sketch to make a design, and I’m obligated to mention Lonny Baxter’s shoulder initials, just so he won’t kill me…let’s move on.

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Cover-Up

Chauncey Billups

Mike Bibby

Mike Bibby

A second pair of tats from Bibby — he may not play in Sacramento anymore, but he’s still a King…of Bad Tattoos.  Look closely on the first one, and you’ll notice that yet another “Bibby” is covered up by the cross; the second one has “Tone R.I.P” within the net in memory of a friend, which is admirable, but doesn’t really make much sense.  Nonetheless, he loses out to Billups here.  Chauncey claims the “King of the Hill” tattoo is a reference to his old neighborhood, Park Hill.  Yet, it bears a striking resemblance to the logo of the team that drafted him back in 1997 — the Boston Celtics.  Hmm…is he actually fooling anyone?

Mr. Rodman, you have company…

Robert Swift: 2005

Robert Swift: 2006

Robert Swift: 2007

Honestly, I have no words…