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(Mavericks swingman/benchwarmer Matt Carroll logs on to Chatroulette..)

Carroll: How’s it going, web-stranger?

Mason: S’good.

Carroll: You seem like a kind fellow.

Mason: Show me yo tit-tays!

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(Caron Butler & Matt Carroll are suiting up in the Mavericks’ locker room..)

Carroll: So the NBA banned you from chewing straw, Caroniel?

Butler: Yeah, it sucks. I love straw!

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(Matt Carroll is helping new Maverick DeShawn Stevenson unpack his things in Josh Howard’s old room..)

Carroll: Man! Lotta white tees!

Stevenson: Jeeyah.

Carroll: Maybe I’ll start callin’ you “White TeeShawn!”  (chortles)

Stevenson: You call me that, I’ll kill you.

Carroll: (nervous chortle)  Fair enough!

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Carroll: I can’t believe you’re gosh-darn leavin’, Joshua J. Howard the Third!

Howard: Belee dat.

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Legendary soul-singer Nappy Brown is a bit of a football buff. Every week Nappy will make his NFL predictions..

Super Bowl Sunday

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(Maverick Eduardo Najera meets his new teammates..)

Najera:  ¡Ola!

Howard:  Fuck you call me?

Carroll:  (eyes light up)  Oh! A Mexican!

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Merry Christmas, ya gosh-darned boondoggles!

(chortles)

(snarfs eggnog onto fake beard)

(chortles again)

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(Josh Howard & Matt Carroll are sitting Indian-style on the floor of the Mavericks locker room..)

Howard: And then Black Santa’s like “Hoes, Hoes, Hoes!”

Carroll: (chortles)  That’s one colorful joke, Joshua!

Howard: (scowls)  Ay, man..

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And now, the 2009 return of The Absolute Zero Award, brought to you by various colas, in which I try to get all statistically analytical. Going by Efficiency Rating, which is really the only stat that matters (It says Lebron is #1! It must be true!), we try to figure out who the worst basketball players are in the league that actually still get playing time. I’ve added a new wrinkle this year, where they have to play in nearly every game. I take the team who’s played the least games this season (18, as of today) and only select players who have played that many games or more.

Just to put it all in perspective, Lebron’s got a rating of 30.0. That’s good. Tony Allen’s got a rating of -2.0 (through one game). That’s not good. Somewhere in the middle is Anthony Parker with a rating of 8.6, which is average-ish. The five men listed below are below average. The closer to zero, the better (or worse).

So. Who’s the worst in the league? Who’s the Absolute Zero? To the abacus!

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