Eggs!
Carroll: What about hard-boiled eggs?
Wallace: Nope.
Carroll: What about soft-boiled eggs?
Wallace: Nope.
Operator: AIDS hotline.
Caller: Help! I have AIDS! (chortles)
Aug
23
2010
23
2010
Aug
03
2010
03
2010
Jul
13
2010
13
2010
Jul
08
2010
08
2010
The Gosh-Darned Decision (chortle)
“Join me tonight at 9:35 PM Eastern Chortle Time on Noggin for The Gosh-Darned Decision Special starring myself, Matthew W. Carroll the First. Will I choose hamburgers or cheeseburgers? Stay tuned!
Spoiler Alert: I’m allergic to beef. (chortles)”
Jun
04
2010
04
2010
Matt Carroll Tries To Cheer Up Perk..
Carroll: Hey Perk, ‘ol buddy ‘ol pal! Sorry about last night!
Perkins: PERK SAD.
Carroll: (chortles) Couldn’t tell, Smiley!
Perkins: PERK MOCKED.
May
20
2010
20
2010
Matt Carroll Tries To Quell Korean Tensions..
Carroll: So, your name’s Ha-Seung?
Jin: Yes.
Carroll: (chortles) Wow, that must be somethin’ to have a chortle right there in the middle of your gosh-darned name!
Jin: Yes, it’s fun.
May
13
2010
13
2010
You Don’t Know My Nickname
Butt-lef...
I despised Detlef Shrempf as a kid. It wasn’t because he ever torched the Sacramento Kings or spoke with a ridiculous half-German, half-Ebonics accent, but because — and I’ll remind you again that I was 10 years old – his name sounded like “Butt-lef” to me. Although that nickname sadly never caught on with the NBA masses, hundreds of others, such as “Spud” Webb and “Muggsy” Bogues have become more common than the players’ birth names (Anthony and Tyrone). While LeBron “King” James, Kobe “The Black Mamba” Bryant and Paul “The Truth” Pierce are some of the most popular ones, here are some of the lesser-known nicknames in recent NBA history (note that these are all credible and not internet memes. And by credible, I mean “verified” by Wikipedia).
Joel Przybilla: “The Vanilla Gorilla” / “Joel Dolla-Dolla-Billa” / “White Kong” / “Ghostface Przybilla” - Pryzbilla has at least a dozen ridiculous nicknames, most of which play on his spellcheck-killing last name. He gets major props for a reference to one of the greatest and most nonsensical rappers of our generation…but “White Kong” and “Vanilla Gorilla?” Why not just go with, “Another Caucasian Guy Who’s Only in the NBA Because He’s Really Tall?” (more on this later)
Arron Afflalo:”Afflalo Creed” - Now that, my friends, is a nickname, oiginally mentioned by Chuck Klosterman in 2007. Does it make any sense? Nope, but the best nicknames usually don’t. The obvious nod to Apollo Creed, however, also comes with some serious consequences. Let’s hope Affalo doesn’t repeat the same mistake and avoids going up against Andrei “AK-47″ Kirilenko for the duration of his career.
Nick Young - “Bean Burrito” - Young explained why he chose the nickname for himself to the Washington Post:
It was passed on from generation to generation. Only the great legends were named Burrito. They used call Michael Jordan ‘Black Bean Burrito,’ because he was dark, and his head was like a bean. Kobe was called guacamole.
And in a related (and true) story, we call one of our friends “Pooter” after he eats too many bean burritos. (Image courtesy of http://www.truthaboutit.net)
Matt Carroll, Armen Gilliam, Shane Heal, and Kris Humphries - “The Hammer” - It amuses me to no end that bruising bigman Armen Gilliam, who carved out a respectable, 13-year NBA career (13.7 points, 6.7 rebounds) is grouped into the same category as lowposts favorite Carroll, Australian hoops legend Heal, and Kris “Don’t Call Me Kross” Humphries, 12th men who barely deserve to be called “Rubber Mallets” (sorry, ebooker). (more…)
May
10
2010
10
2010
In Which Elena Kagan & Stan Van Gundy Fuck.
Van Gundy: Oh yeah, that’s it!
Kagan: Give it to me, Stanny!
Van Gundy: Here it comes!
Kagan: Ungghhhh!
May
05
2010
05
2010
¡Cinco De Mayo!
(Dallas Mavericks Matt Carroll & Eduardo Najera are hanging out at Eduardo’s house on Cinco De Mayo..)
Carroll: (chowing down) Thanks for bringing in these tacos, Eduardo!
Najera: Si.
Carroll: What do you do for Cinco De Mayo when you’re in your native land?
Najera: Probably play pinata.
Apr
23
2010
23
2010
My Two Dads!
Curry: So I gathered the family here in the family room for a reason tonight.
Robinson: Then why’s Matt Carroll here, Ma?
Carroll: I’m just here for the Pizza Rolls! (chortles, scarfs Pizza Rolls)
Randolph: What you want, woman? My stories is on!
Curry: Home Improvement can wait, dear. I just wanted everyone to know I’m going to start a children’s basketball camp this summer.
Carroll: Wow, good of you to pitch in, Mrs. Curry! That shows gumption!
Randolph: What’d he say? Woman, cover up yo gumption! The white boy seen it!
