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It’s common knowledge that Robert Horry-Will Smith is up there with Stan Van Gundy-Ron Jeremy and Omar Epps-Mike Tomlin as the most uncanny athlete-celebrity resemblance of all-time.   But as it also turns out, Smith and Horry are hardly the only NBA player and famous rapper lookalikes.  Let’s take a look at a few notable examples from recent history.

Kenyon Martin

Method Man

I’ve also always thought that Marcus Camby looked like Method Man, even though he looks nothing like Kenyon Martin. I have no idea how that makes sense.

Ricky Davis

Andre 3000

Hey ya…look just like each other!

Corey Maggette

Xzibit

Pretty sure Mr. X to the Z’s crew represents the West Coast a little better than Maggette’s team…

Josh Smith

The Game

The bigger question is, who’s more overrated?

Devean George

Ice Cube

Fittingly, Ice Cube is as much a rapper nowadays as Devean George is an NBA player…

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When Kenner, the maker of some fantastic Starting Lineups, lost its contract with the NBA in 1998, I stopped collecting sports figures entirely.  Sure, Mattel and later McFarlane released their own lines of “more realistic” products, but none of them could hold a candle to the 6″ SLUs that looked nothing like the players and had some questionable basketball poses (case in point: Jason Kidd).  But while searching the internet for gift ideas the other week, I came across some rather interesting players chosen by McFarlane for their very own action figures.  Let’s take a look at some of their worst moves.

Kwame Brown, Wizards (2002):  Okay, so maybe no one could’ve foreseen that the player who Michael Jordan drafted first overall in 2001 (and soon thereafter called a “flaming f****t”) would become a mediocre journeyman best known for somehow getting dealt for Caron Butler in one of the most lop-sided trades of the decade. Wait, you mean everyone did?  Either way, McFarlane really dropped the ball by not releasing a cake-throwing collectors’ edition five years later.

DaJuan Wagner, Cavaliers (2003): It’s not that Wagner had a horrible rookie season (13.4 points) or never showcased any future potential before having his career deranged by a colon.  It’s that Yao Ming, Amare (I refuse to put the apostrophe) Stoudemire, and Caron Butler, to name a few, were all chosen in the same draft and didn’t get their figures released as quickly.  And hell, even the great Skita Tskitishvili played more games in the NBA.

J.R, Smith, Hornets / Sabastian Telfair, Trail Blazers (2006) -  Figures of Smith and Telfair were released under an exclusive McFarlane series called “Young Guns.”  No really, they were.  I have absolutely absolutely nothing to add to this.

Michael Finley, Spurs (2006) - I’m sure there was a long line outside of every sports memorabilia shop to pick up a figure of the 33-year-old Michael Finley, years removed from his All-Star days in Dallas and barely putting up double-digit points as a reserve with the Spurs.  Rumor has it, McFarlane’s was furiously working on a Kevin Willis figure when he un-retired at age 44 during the same year.

Steve Francis, Knicks (2006) - Apparently someone at McFarlane felt that Francis’ New York tenure, a disaster in every which way imaginable that essentially led to the end of his pro career and forever tarnished Larry Brown’s reputation, needed to be commemorated with a highly coveted “Chase” piece (or rather, a repaint of his 2002 Rockets release).  A Grizzlies figure can’t be far behind.

Adam Morrison (2008) - It would be one thing if this figure come out in 2006, after Morrison finished a stellar collegiate career and was expected to emerge into a NBA star, or even in 2007, following his somewhat decent rookie campaign (11.8 PPG).  But no, it came out a full year later, while Morrison sat out the season with a knee injury, only to return to post 4.0 PPG in 2008/2009 with the Bobcats and Lakers. I can’t wait to see how McFarlane commemorates Morrison for winning a championship.

Desmond Mason (2008, 2009):  Mason does hold a 12.2 points per game career scoring average and has won a couple of Slam Dunk Contests, so one figure is perhaps excusable.  But someone at McFarlane must have a crush on Mr. Mason, since the same piece was repainted and re-released in 2009 after he was traded to the Thunder.  McFarlane called it a “Surprise” release — as in, “Surprise!  A guy who averaged less than eight points in 39 games has his own figure.”

Zach Randolph (2009) - I don’t even know what to say anymore.  An Eddy Curry figure in 2010?  Count on it.

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 1: #3 San Antonio Spurs vs. #6 Dallas Mavericks.. (more…)

The NBA All-Star game is supposed to showcase the league’s best players, but deciding who should be selected is hardly an exact science.  Top teams are generally rewarded with multiple All-Stars, while conversely, players who put up good numbers on losing teams are oftentimes overlooked.  In addition, position scarcity (most notably at center), sometimes leads to otherwise undeserving players getting chosen by the two sweetest words in the English language — default.  All that being said, some names just look wrong in the All-Star game boxscore under any circumstances.  I present to you, the Non-All-Star Team.

1. Jamal Magloire (2004): Magloire had a career year in 2003/04, averaging 14 points and 10 rebounds per game, which was enough to make the ridiculously weak Eastern Conference squad. He’s since played for five other teams, and convinced the Heat to sign him to a two-year contract after coming off a season in which he put up a whopping 2 points and 3 rebounds for the Nets and Mavericks. All because he’s a “former NBA All-Star.”

2. Dale Davis (2000): I guess this is a “lifetime achievement award,” where coaches decide a player deserves to be recognized for doing the dirty work on a bunch of good teams over the last decade. Right, Dale Davis, who averaged exactly 10 points and 10 rebounds in 1999/00, was one of the top forwards in the Eastern Conference. Since I don’t have much more to add here, let’s all laugh at Davis getting Tasered by the cops after resisting arrest in 2006.

3. Tyrone Hill (1995):  Hill averaged a respectable but unspectacular 14.5 points and 11.5 rebounds in 1994/95, which were both slightly lower than the 15.0 points and 12.4 boards he averaged the year prior…and the Cavs were around .500 in both seasons. So what gives? The only explanation I have is that the league wanted to provide Halloween costume ideas for their young fans (Black Skeletor?) .

4. Chris Gatling (1997): I remember two things about Chris Gatling — his colorful headbands and the time he shook Shawn Kemp’s hand after being viciously dunked on by the Reign Man (number five in this highly entertaining video). But Gatling is also a former NBA All-Star after being named as an injury replacement in 1997. Sure, 19 points and 8 rebounds are decent numbers, but Gatling was an energy player and the ultimate NBA journeyman (8 teams in his last 7 seasons). In fact, the Mavs traded him to New Jersey just weeks after the game — now there’s an All-Star, if I’ve seen one.

5. Theo Ratliff (2001): A poor man’s Ben Wallace, Ratliff was an exceptional shot-blocker and…um, did I mention that he was good at blocking shots?  He never averaged more than 8 boards in a single season, and was basically rewarded for playing on a Finals-bound Sixers team.  Ironically, Ben Wallace didn’t make the team that year.  Oh, and also contributing to this debacle?  You, the fan, by voting Alonzo Mourning, who hadn’t played a single game that season, as an All-Star starter.

6.  Antonio Davis (2001): I’ll never understand why the commissioner chose Antonio Davis to replace the aforementioned Ratliff, who fractured his wrist prior to the game, instead of going with say, Elton Brand, Marcus Camby, or Ben Wallace. The Raptors were a 47-win team that season, so it wasn’t the team record. It must’ve been those Magloire-esque 14 points and and 10 rebounds that sealed his case.

7. Nick Van Exel (1998): The Lakers had the best record in the league in 1997/98, but did they really need a fourth All-Star to go along with Shaq, Kobe, and Eddie Jones? And on top of that, Van Exel was averaging an uninspiring 14 points and 7 assists on 42% shooting, down from 15 points and 9 assists the year prior. Fittingly he shot 5 of 14 (36%) in the game, though at least no officials were shoved into the scorers’ table.

8.  B.J. Armstrong (1994):   Was Armstrong (16 points and 4 assists) one of the top five point guards in the NBA?  Top 10?  Top 20?   The only reason I put him this low, is that the fans voted him in as starter, and plus, 1994 was just a weird year for All-Stars, with first and only appearances from John Starks, Horace Grant, Mookie Blaylock, and Charles Oakley. But even Phil Jackson was surprised at Armstrong’s selection, joking that there must’ve been All-Star ballots in teen magazines.

9. Wally Szczerbiak (2002): It’s a sad day for the NBA when a spot-shooting specialist can call himself an All-Star.  There’s still a chance, J.J. Redick!  Not only were Wally World’s 19 points and 5 rebounds mediocre at best, but he was chosen over the likes of Shawn Marion and Michael Finley. And plus, I’m pretty sure there was more defense played in the 135-120 Western Conference win than in Szczerbiak’s entire career.

10.  Anthony Mason (2001):  Yet another questionable selection for the East in 2001.  Mason developed into a solid all-round player, and put up his usual 16 points, 10 boards, and 4 assists that season, but would anyone consider him as All-Star-caliber?  He was a bruising enforcer who’s more remembered for shaving logos and slogans into the side of his head and having the ugliest foul shooting form known to man.  Just kidding, Mr. Mason!

Unforgivable!

Dishonorable Mention: A few other slightly more justifiable examples of white guys being picked because they’re very tall.

Rik Smits (1998)
Vlade Divac (2001)
Brad Miller (2003, 2004)
Zydrunas Ilgauskas (2005)
Mehmet Okur (2007)

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)

This is Part 1 of Act Like You Know .  Part 2 can be found here.

I watched Love And Basketball for the fourth time the other day, and one thing continues to bother me — the casting of Omar Epps in the lead role.  I have nothing against Epps as an actor, but I don’t buy him as a professional basketball player.  There’s just something off about him every time he steps out on the court, especially with the Lakers.  It’s even worse now that I associate him with Dr. Foreman on House.  So, I started thinking — would the movie be any better if the part of Quincy McCall went to say, Will Smith…or how about Ray Allen?  Actually, can any NBA players be good (or even passable) as movie actors?  We know that Paul Pierce, for one,  deserves an Oscar for his stunning performance in Game 1 of the NBA Finals.

Now, of course, it’s not a big stretch for a basketball player to play himself or another athlete in a movie…or so we’d hope.  Part I of this two-part set will focus on movies that feature NBA players “acting” as basketball players, while Part II will look at those who’ve branched out into bigger roles, including Allen in He Got Game.

1. Eddie (1996): John Salley, Rick Fox, Malik Sealy (RIP), Mark Jackson, Dwayne Schintzius, Greg Ostertag, Gary Payton, plus assorted NBA players (49 total) as themselves.

I’m sure every NBA fan has seen this one — Whoopi Goldberg goes from an obnoxious Knicks fan to the team’s coach, and puts the Isiah Thomas era to shame in the process. The best of the NBA players are Ostertag, who plays a dimwitted yokel of a player (yeah, this was a big reach for him); Sealy, who channels his inner Rickey Henderson and refers to himself in the third person; and Schintzius, who plays (?) a moron that speaks only three words of English. The rest of the bunch do just fine in minor roles — Olden Polynice, for instance, shows off his scientific knowledge of a black hole…nah, too easy.

2. Space Jam (1996): Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Shawn Bradley, Larry Bird, Vlade Divac, Cedric Ceballos, A.C. Green, Derek Harper, Alonzo Mourning, Charles Oakley — all as themselves.

If you’re like me and saw this movie when you were younger, you probably liked it enough to not question the acting abilities of the stars.  Jordan isn’t really asked to do anything out of the ordinary here — he plays basketball and exhibits good sportsmanship, even if he’s sometimes as stiff as the hardwood. After aliens take away the NBA players’ skills, we get to see them do their best Brian Scalabrene impressions. Of course, the cheap laughs again come at the expense of the tall white guy: Shawn Bradley becomes awkward and uncoordinated on the court…in other words, the directors just told him to act natural.

3. Blue Chips (1994): Shaquille O’Neal, Anfernee Hardaway, Larry Bird, Bob Cousy, and several players as themselves, including Allan Houston, Rodney Rogers, Calbert Cheaney, Bobby Hurley, Marques Johnson, Rick Fox, George Lynch, and Chris Mills.

The movie gives a realistic (but fictional) account of behind-the-scenes cheating and corruption in college athletics.  Aside from dunking in the basketball scenes, Shaq gives his usual cringe-worthy performance (much more on this in Part II) in his acting debut.  Penny is surprisingly likable in his recruitment scenes with Nick Nolte; more impressively, he didn’t even injure himself on the set. Fortunately for us, the other players (notably Hurley and Cheaney) are not asked to do much off the court and safely fade into the background.  Cousy and Bird are, well, there.

4. Forget Paris (1995): Charles Barkley, David Robinson, Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Sean Elliott, Patrick Ewing, Tim Hardaway, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Laimbeer, Reggie Miller, Chris Mullin, Charles Oakley, Kurt Rambis, John Starks, Isiah Thomas, Spud Webb, Marques Johnson, Reggie Theus — all as themselves.

I’m almost ashamed to admit that I sort of like this movie, even though it’s a romantic comedy.  Billy Crystal plays an NBA referee, and all of the player cameos take place on the court.  As expected, these are mostly in-game action sequences, and require the players to argue with the refs (once again, this hopefully shouldn’t be too hard).  Kareem, Barkley, and Spud Webb, in particular, are very believable in their brief interactions with Crystal, while most of the other players don’t have noteworthy speaking parts.

5. The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (1979): Julius “Dr. J” Erving, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Meadowlark Lemon (Harlem Globetrotter), and several NBA/ABA players, including Connie Hawkins, Spencer Haywood, Bob Lanier, Cedric Maxwell, and Norm Nixon.

I’m willing to best that most people under 30 aren’t familiar with this one.  Dr. J plays the superstar on a terrible basketball team.  After most of the players quit, in comes an absolutely ridiculous premise; let’s just say it has to do with astrology.  The acting is minimal and beyond wooden (not just the players, either), while attempts at humor predictably fall short.  Even still, I’d recommend watching it, if only for the unintentionally hilarious disco soundtrack.

Honorable Mention:

*Heaven Is A Playground (1991):  Bo Kimble, Hakeem Olajuwon, Kendall Gill

A coach tries to keep his urban high school basketball team out of trouble — as expected, it’s to no avail. Former Clipper Bo Kimble plays a good player who later becomes a bitter loner after a serious knee injury, while Olajuwon and Gill have minor roles as his teammates. Apparently, Michael Jordan was originally supposed to be cast in the movie instead of Kimble, and was sued for by the filmmakers for breach-of-contract.

*Like Mike (2002): Michael Finley, Steve Francis, Allen Iverson, Jason Kidd, Tracy McGrady, Alonzo Mourning, Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Gary Payton, Jason Richardson, David Robinson, Rasheed Wallace, Gerald Wallace, Chris Webber — all as themselves.

I’m not gonna lie to you — I never saw this movie, but I remember watching an ‘extended preview’ in the theater, which basically showed the whole movie in five minutes. Looking at the stills (Robinson, Kidd) is making me a little nauseous, so let’s move on.  Oh, and FYI, “Like Mike 2” (I had no idea either) doesn’t have any player appearances, unless you count Mark Cuban.

*White Men Can’t Jump (1992):  You may have noticed that Marques Johnson — who had a very solid NBA career during the ’80’s — appeared in two other movies on the list.  As the only professional player in this one, he doesn’t play a big enough role to make the cut.  Side note: I watched this movie when I was 12 or 13 years old, and I remember my dad walking in during one of the sex scenes….um, very bad times.