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When I was growing up, my favorite cable channel was Sports News 99, a local ESPNEWS precursor that ran half-hour-long broadcasts throughout the entire day.  In the pre-Twitter (and mostly pre-Internet) world, it was the only place that relayed breaking NBA headlines, and I watched it religiously during the annual July free-agent bonanza.

The lead sports anchor was a Stacey Keach look-a-like who sported a cheesy ’stache to along with a stupid grin, and would’ve made Stuart Scott blush with his ridiculous catchphrases.  My favorite was the way he referred to Michael Jordan as, “Michael-Michael-motor-cycle” in sing-song fashion.  He would do this during every Jordan highlight, with no exceptions, and it never got old.  I had no idea what that meant at the time, nor do I get it now, but it continues to crack me up.

Yep, this almost never happened...

One day in early July 1997, he broadcast an “exclusive” report that Jordan was on the verge of signing a multi-year contract with the Denver Nuggets.  The initial sight of Jordan’s face next to a Nuggets logo made my jaw drop, and the corresponding “story” made it even more interesting.  According to Keach, Nike was pressuring the league’s best and most popular player to go to Denver for some kind of unexplained marketing purpose, and Jordan was contemplating leaving the then-five-time NBA champions for a team that won 21 games the previous season (and would go on to win 11 the following year).  Seriously.

Because I was naive enough to think that everything I saw on television had to be true, I called all of my friends and insisted that Jordan would soon be a Nugget.  No one believed me (with good reason, obviously), but I stuck to my “sources” despite not hearing or reading anything of the sort in any other publication.

Jordan, of course, went on to ink a historic one-year, $36-million extension with the Chicago Bulls, and coincidentally or not, Sports News 99 suddenly disappeared soon thereafter.  I called my cable provider and tried to find out why, but no one had any answers aside from informing me the channel would now show classic movies.  I never saw Keach again, and I sometimes wonder if it was all just a crazy dream.

With July 1, 2010 finally on the calendar, every reporter is trying to dig up new clues and information in a desperate attempt to be the first one to deliver breaking news.   I always think back to the absurd Jordan story whenever I hear a new, hot rumor that sounds completely made up or too good to be true, which probably applies to 98% of what’s on the internet (last I heard, LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, Carlos Boozer, Primoz Brezec, Brian Scalabrine,  Robert “Tractor” Traylor, D.J. Mbenga, and Dirk Nowitzki are having a top-secret meeting as they plot to end up in New York…).

Ah, we’ll always have “Michael-Michael-motor-cycle.”

Jordan:  C’mon, Santa. Let’s go bang some chicks.

Claus:  Hoes! Hoes! Hoes!

Henry’s just planting the seeds..

(Harold Miner, Las Vegas real estate investor and former Next Jordan, is showing a house..)

Miner: And if you come in here, I’ll show you the master bath.

Peter: Wait a minute..

Miner: This is all real marble.

Peter: Hold on, shut up for a second.

Miner: The fixtures are brand new.

Peter: (claps hands)  Next Jordan!

Miner: (sighs) (more…)

Well, now that Dan Shaughnessy & Bob Ryan are in full Red Sox/Look-At-How-These-Caucasians-Play-The-Game-The-Right-Way Mode; I need someone else to unleash my copyright infringing scorn upon. And since I live in Los Angeles now, walking upon streets paved with dead dreams and deader souls, I might as well spread that scorn around. Like a freshly-composted garden.

And who is the impetus of compost-like LA sportswriting? One Mr. Bill Plaschke.

To the Hatercycle! (more…)

Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.

Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.

Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.

Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.

Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.

Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).

Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)

Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.

Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.

Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.

Quick Misses:

*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.

*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.

*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.

*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.

*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.

Fifty-eight days since the last Dan Shaughnessy basketball column. He hasn’t written since Game 1 of the Chicago series when he proclaimed the Boston Celtics season officially over.

Fifty-eight days! 58! Did he fall in a well?

This week, Dan congratulates Lakers fans in the classiest way he knows how. By shitting on their parade.

Even the most diehard of Celtics fans begrudgingly gave Lakers fans their due respect. Not ‘Ol Danny Boy, though!

To the FJM/BDD plagiarism! (more…)

In the weeks leading up to the 2009 NBA Draft, Lowposts’ resident Draftologistician will be looking at NBA Drafts of the past and how they got all screwed up..

Today:  The 1993 NBA Draft.. (more…)