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Jordan:  C’mon, Santa. Let’s go bang some chicks.

Claus:  Hoes! Hoes! Hoes!

Henry’s just planting the seeds..

(Harold Miner, Las Vegas real estate investor and former Next Jordan, is showing a house..)

Miner: And if you come in here, I’ll show you the master bath.

Peter: Wait a minute..

Miner: This is all real marble.

Peter: Hold on, shut up for a second.

Miner: The fixtures are brand new.

Peter: (claps hands)  Next Jordan!

Miner: (sighs) (more…)

Well, now that Dan Shaughnessy & Bob Ryan are in full Red Sox/Look-At-How-These-Caucasians-Play-The-Game-The-Right-Way Mode; I need someone else to unleash my copyright infringing scorn upon. And since I live in Los Angeles now, walking upon streets paved with dead dreams and deader souls, I might as well spread that scorn around. Like a freshly-composted garden.

And who is the impetus of compost-like LA sportswriting? One Mr. Bill Plaschke.

To the Hatercycle! (more…)

Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.

Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.

Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.

Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.

Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.

Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).

Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)

Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.

Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.

Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.

Quick Misses:

*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.

*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.

*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.

*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.

*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.

Fifty-eight days since the last Dan Shaughnessy basketball column. He hasn’t written since Game 1 of the Chicago series when he proclaimed the Boston Celtics season officially over.

Fifty-eight days! 58! Did he fall in a well?

This week, Dan congratulates Lakers fans in the classiest way he knows how. By shitting on their parade.

Even the most diehard of Celtics fans begrudgingly gave Lakers fans their due respect. Not ‘Ol Danny Boy, though!

To the FJM/BDD plagiarism! (more…)

In the weeks leading up to the 2009 NBA Draft, Lowposts’ resident Draftologistician will be looking at NBA Drafts of the past and how they got all screwed up..

Today:  The 1993 NBA Draft.. (more…)

From early on his career, Kobe Bryant has tried to sound like Michael Jordan in his interviews, pump his fist in the same manner after hitting a big shot, and stick his tongue out as he drove to the basket. Hell, he’ll probably come back as number 46 after a year on the Dodgers’ AA affiliate. Although Bryant won’t ever match Jordan’s six championships, five MVPs, and 10 league scoring titles, his forth title cements him as the greatest “Air” apparent the NBA has seen to date, with LeBron James and Dwyane Wade trailing closely behind.

Over the last two decades, nearly a dozen players have been labeled as “the next Michael Jordan,” and predictably, very few have come close to living up to such high expectations. Whether it was luck, determination, or pure drive to be the best, Jordan was remarkably durable and consistent, playing in all 82 games in his final season at the age of 40. Here are some players who never materialized into the second coming of MJ, despite oftentimes having excellent NBA careers in their own right.

Harold Miner: Baby Jordan’s two Slam Dunk title are the only thing he has in common with MJ.  Following a stellar career at USC, Miner averaged nine points and 2.2 rebounds in 19 minutes per game over four in the NBA, failing to impress coaches with poor defense and shot selection. After being waived by Cleveland in 1996 (this beauty is a bargain), Miner retired from basketball and now lives in seclusion as a Las Vegas real estate investor. I wonder if he ever runs into Ed O’Bannon.

Isaiah Rider: After winning the 1994 Slam Dunk Contest as high-hopping rookie (pun intended), Rider clashed with coaches and scored four arrests, including assault for kicking a female bar manager. Appropriately traded to the Jail Blazers for super-scrub Bill Curley, he bounced around the league before being released by Denver in 2002.  Rider ultimately matched Jordan’s six titles with six post-NBA arrests, including charges of kidnapping and cocaine possession.

Jerry Stackhouse: A similarly-built 6′6″ prolific scorer out of North Carolina, Stack put up five 20-point seasons over the course of his career, but unlike Jordan, barely shot over 40% from the field and appeared in only 18 playoff games before settling for a reserve role in Dallas. His scoring sharply declined after knee surgery, limiting him to just 4.2 points in 10 games last season. Ever the fashion icon, Stack endorsed the ugliest Fila sneakers ever, and is credited for starting the infamous ballerina tights trend.

Anfernee Hardaway: Penny quickly emerged as a superstar in Orlando, all while his little puppet macked on Tyra Banks by the pool. But after four knee surgeries cost Hardaway much of his athleticism, he became an injury-riddled role player on Phoenix and eventually an afterthought on New York and Miami. Perhaps Penny’s career could’ve turned out differently with a little more luck, and I could’ve been rich for investing $30 in his Topps Finest rookie card.

Grant Hill: It’s easy to forget that as a Piston, Hill was once one of the best all-around athletes in the league, and had endorsement deals with Sprite, McDonald’s, and Fila.  After six seasons in Detroit, he helped the Pistons win a title in 2004 by netting them Ben Wallace in a sign-and-trade with Orlando. Hill missed 374 games over the next seven years, before discovering the benefits of HGH — excuse me, the Suns’ medical staff. He put up 12 points per game in the first 82-game season of his 14-year career.

Tracy McGrady: An all-around amazing athlete, T-Mac captured two scoring titles before back and knee injuries hampered the later stages of his career. But while Jordan made nine All-Defensive Teams, Sleepy’s been routinely exploited by opposing coaches for his lack of focus. And of course, since McGrady is synonymous with playoff failure, it was only fitting that Houston made it past the first round as he sat in street clothes, leading many to question whether the Rockets are a better team without him.

Vince Carter: Another 6′6″ Tar Heels alum, Carter quickly mesmerized fans and media with his ferocious windmill slams and hasn’t put up less than 20 points per game since his rookie season. And yet after demonstrating an embarrasing lack of effort in Toronto and allegedly giving away his team’s plays, he’s earned a reputation as a quitter and chronic underachiever who shies away from pressure. In fact, Vince is clutching his knee in agony after reading this paragraph.

Allen Iverson: We all remember the infamous crossover that shook the great one in his shoes. The ultimate volume shooter, Iverson racked up countless fines, suspensions, and off the court controversies that earned him a me-first reputation he further compounded by refusing to come off the bench last season (something Jordan accepted in Washington). Despite winning an MVP award and capturing four scoring titles, his teams made only one Finals appearance.  Maybe he should’ve practiced a little more.

Honorable Mention:

*Tamir Goodman: Remember the The Jewish Jordan? I didn’t either until a recent NBC piece revealed that he’s now playing in Israel for Maccabi Haifa, happily fulfilling his life dream after a few down years following his high school prominence. And once you get past the money, fame, and beautiful women, isn’t that all that matters? Yeah, I didn’t think so. But at least he’s doing better than Miner.