Dunleavy: Mike, come in and have a seat.
Dunleavy: (sits at Mike Dunleavy’s desk)
Dunleavy: Now first of all, I’d like to thank you for your seven years of service. Your hard work has not gone unnoticed.
Dunleavy: Thanks, me.
Dunleavy: That just makes it all the harder for me to fire you.
Dunleavy: A raise? Well, I–wait, what?
Clintastic!
In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii. If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.
There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer. My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.
Without further ado, I present the three players – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis. I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves. Whoops, bad choice of words there.
(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson. Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)
Key Offseason Additions: Blake Griffin, Sebastian Telfair, Sebastian Telfair’s handgun, Rasual Butler, Craig Smith, Quentin Richardson’s boarding pass, Mark Madsen’s $2.8-million salary cap hit
Picture all the possibilities...
The Lowdown: After adding two overpaid and injury-prone All-Stars in Baron Davis and Marcus Camby to a young nucleus of Al Thornton and Eric Gordon last summer, many analysts considered the Clippers to be a sleeper playoff team. Well, we all know how that turned out — the same old Clippers finished with the second-worst record in the league, placing among the leaders in worst team field goal percentage and worst opponents’ field goal percentage. Trading for Zach Randolph mid-season tends to do that to a team.
Of course, the basketball gods apparently reward incompetence, since the Clippers were blessed on two fronts. First came the number one pick in an NBA Draft that had one consensus top selection that even Mike Dunleavy couldn’t possibly screw up, as much as he undoubtedly tried. And then came the jaw-dropping trade of Zach Randolph’s two-year, $33-million contract to a GM with even less common sense than Dunleavy (Chris Wallace) in Memphis. It should also be noted that the Clippers flirted with the idea of pairing Allen Iverson with Davis in the backcourt and forming the first ever team that never passes.
The Good: I can’t believe I’m about to write this, but the Clippers actually ended up having one of the best offseasons of any team in the NBA. In fact, the first key offseason addition above shouldn’t even be Rookie of the Year favorite Blake Griffin, but team chemistry, via the aforementioned subtraction of Randolph (though they do still have Ricky Davis). Baron Davis has reportedly looked more like the player who once resurrected a struggling Warriors franchise than a Kimbo Slice lookalike who shot a putrid 37% from the field last season, while Bassy Telfair is a capable, if not underrated backup who’s amazingly still only 24 years old. If — and this is a big if — Marcus Camby and Chris Kaman can combine to play in 120 games, this could be a team on the rise in a suddenly weaker Western Conference.
Oh, who are we kidding — they’re still the Clippers.
Fantasy Sleeper Alert: Once again, because they are the Clippers, and this bears repeating over and over again, bad things can will happen. Camby and Kaman are obvious threats to go down at any time, and Griffin is already banged up with knee and shoulder injuries. Keep an eye on Craig Smith and DeAndre Jordan, both of whom have been able to produce serviceable numbers when given starter’s minutes.
Prediction: 25-57 — 5th in Pacific Division, 15th in Western Conference
In our second installment of “Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks,” Bill implores the defending champions to re-sign their third-best player; a not-too-preposterous request.
But Mr. Plaschke decides this request isn’t enough to flesh out an entire column. So he decides to take some not-entirely-warranted potshots at free agent Allen Iverson.
It’s only too appropriate that Bill’s middle name is Homer.
To the Assbloatmobile! (more…)
Steal, steal, steal, all day long. Steal, steal, steal, as I sing this song...
Almost exactly one year ago, the Sacramento Kings re-signed Beno Udrih to a five-year, $32-million contract. He promptly guided the team to the worst record in franchise history, cementing his place amongst the worst signings in franchise history. After a pain-staking amount of research, Eze of ARoyalPain.com and I have discovered than Beno not only ruined the Kings cap situation for the foreseeable future, but is also responsible for some of the world’s worst evils. We’ve collaborated to present 19 little known but indisputable facts about the Kings’ grossly overpaid backup point guard.
1. A monkey wasn’t responsible for the virus in Outbreak. It was Beno Udrih.
2. That wasn’t an Earthquake that rumbled San Francisco in 1989 — it was God crying when he saw Beno Udrih pick up a basketball for the first time.
3. The police should stop looking for the killers of 2Pac, Notorious B.I.G., and Big L. Beno Udrih is responsible for all three murders.
4. Lorena Bobbit had just finished watching Beno Udrih commit 19 turnovers the night she sliced off her husband’s willy.
5. Bloody Mary doesn’t appear in a mirror if her name is called three times. Beno Udrih comes in her place.
6. Bernie Madoff considers Beno Udrih his hero for the fraud job he pulled on the Sacramento Kings.
7. Alanis Morissette wrote “You Oughta Know” about, you guessed it, Beno Udrih.
8. Captain Sully of of US Airways Flight 1549 that landed in the Hudson River said it was not birds that hit the engine, but rather a errant pass from Beno Udrih.
9. There’s a little-known cheat code in “Grand Theft Auto” (B-E-N-O) which gives a player $32 million for doing absolutely nothing.
10. Len Bias’ heart attack wasn’t caused by a cocaine overdose. He had a vision that Beno Udrih would make $7 million per season.
(Blake Griffin is led to the Clippers locker room by a Staples Center employee..)
Employee: Welcome to the Clippers, Mr. Griffin.
Griffin: Thanks, kid.
(Blake scans the room and walks over to introduce himself to Zach Randolph..)
Griffin: Hey Zach. Blake Griffin, pleased to meet you.
Randolph: ‘Sup man. You want some of this pig? (more…)
There wasn’t supposed to be a fourth part in this series, but Kevin McHale wasn’t supposed to become one of the league’s best coaches. Sure, he had a successful
stint at the end of the 2004/05 season (19-12), but that team was a year removed from a conference finals appearance. The 2008/09 Timberwolves were 4-15 before McHale took over, and have gone 13-19 ever since. Remarkably, at one point in January, Minnesota was one of the hottest teams in the league, winning 10 out of 12 games. Maybe the Knicks should’ve just let Isiah coach — oh, right. While it’s too soon to tell if McHale’s poor performance as a GM was at least partly due to the team’s coaches (I wonder who’s in charge of hiring those guys?), he won’t find himself on this list anytime soon. Here are the worst coaches of the McHale era (1995-2008), ranked based on record, decision-making, and expectations.
1. Tim Floyd (93-231, .287): Perhaps not even Phil Jackson could muster more than 13 wins out of the 
1998/99 Bulls featuring the likes of Rusty LaRue, Kornell David, and Dickey Simpkins (Basketball Reference insists these are real NBA players). But the Elton Brand and Ron Artest-led team went 17-65 the following season, and then regressed to only 15 wins the year after. Floyd mercifully resigned after a 4-21 start in 2001/02; he was subsequently fired after a 41-41 campaign with the 2003/04 Hornets. Fun facts: he was playfully known as “Pink” Floyd by the Chicago media, and once lashed out at being called “Jerry [Krause]’s boy.”
2. Rick Pitino (102-146, .411) Pitino was the Celtics’ anointed savior after signing a 10-year, $50 million contract to be the GM and head coach. He vowed that he’d lead
the Celtics back to the playoffs within 3 years…but hit a snag when Larry Bird, Kevin McHale (isn’t it ironic?), and Robert Parish didn’t walk through that door. In classy move in 1999, Pitino admitted that he would’ve never taken the job if he knew he wouldn’t draft Tim Duncan. He threatened to quit at the end of that season, as well as the next one, before resigning in January of 2001. The C’s never won more than 36 games in his 3+ seasons, and he further alienated players through his incompetency as a GM (see Travis Knight signing, trading rookie Chauncey Billups for Kenny Anderson’s mega contract, etc.).
3. Mike Woodson (137-243, .361): Woodson’s Hawks went 13-69 in 2004/05, but yet he stuck around
through three more losing seasons. Atlanta reached the playoffs in 2007/08 with just 37 victories — and a roster stacked with lottery picks, mind you — which saved Woodson from getting the axe. The local writers called him the the worst coach in Atlanta sports history, and he’s admitted to having a tough time managing this starters’ minutes (that might be important for a head coach). The Hawks are 31-21 at the All-Star break, but I can’t help but wonder if Atlanta would be among the NBA’s elite if they had a halfway decent coach.
4. P.J. Carlesimo (204-296, .408): Take away his three seasons with the Blazers, and Carlesimo’s winning percentage
drops to a Floyd-esque .263. Carlesimo bombed in Golden State, where he ran into conflicts with management and wasn’t respected by the players. You might be even say, he choked under the pressure (sorry, I couldn’t resist). He won 19 games in his first year, 2 in his second, and was fired after a 6-21 start in 1999/00. He resurfaced with Seattle a staggering eight years later, and guided the team to the worst record in franchise history (20-62). The Thunder were off to a league-worst 1-12 record when he was fired in November, and have gone 12-28 under interim-coach Scott Brooks.
5. Sam Mitchell (156-189, .452): Once voted the worst coach in the league in a poll 
of 248 NBA players, Mitchell became notorious for his head-scratching lineups, questionable substitution patterns, and inability to call timeouts in key situations. But I’ll give credit where it’s due — the man sure knew how to rock a designer suit. Interestingly enough, he was named Coach of the Year in 2007 while the Toronto fans were calling for his head, and he was dismissed a little over a year later. That day was declared a Canadian national holiday.
6. Brian Hill (248-283, .467): Yes, Hill is a three-time 50-game winner in Orlando, where he stood
back and watched Shaq and Penny lead the Magic to NBA Finals in 1995. But he was also a terrible decision maker on the sidelines and botched many games for a supremely talented team. And of couse, he was notoriously disliked by his players, to the point where Penny and company demanded that that he be fired after a players’ only meeting. He then compiled an uninspiring 31-123 record in two+ years with the Grizzlies, before coming back to Orlando in 2005. The Magic went 40-42 games in his final season, and then improved by 12 games under Stan Van Gundy.
7. Bill Hanzlik (11-71, .134): Hanzlik’s first and only head coaching season came 
with 1997/98 Denver Nuggets, who came within two games of tying the 1972/1973 Philadelphia 76ers for the worst record in NBA history. Don’t get me wrong, 11 wins is horrific no matter how you cut it, but I mean, would you be able to pick five of these players out of a lineup? From the useless stat department: Handzlik holds the NBA record for fewest wins in full season by a rookie coach. I’m sure he pops the champagne whenever a new coach wins his 12th game.
8. Lon Kruger (69 -122, .361): Kruger is another example a good collegiate coach 
who wasn’t cut out for the NBA (damn the Hawks for playing on Philips Drive, so I can’t make a Nightmare of Elm Street reference!). He was over-matched on the sidelines, and faced disconnect and a lack of respect from his players. After the Hawks won 33 games in his second season, Kruger guaranteed season-ticket holders a $125 refund if the Atlanta wouldn’t make the playoffs next year. Kruger was fired after an 11-16 start…but at least some people got paid.
9. John Lucas (79-209, .274): Lucas was coming off 55-win season with the Spurs 
in 1993/94, where his successor, Bob Hill won 62 games the following season. Hired as the coach and GM of the 76ers (this never fails), Lucas won 24 and 18 games, respectively, in his two seasons in Philly. He won 29 games with Cleveland in 2001, but was fired after failing to show progress with a young team in the midst of a disastrous 8-34 start in 2002/03. Then again, his efforts translated into a league-worst 17-65 record, which landed the Cavs LeBron James. So, there’s that.
10. Eric Musselman (108-138 , .439): While he led the Warriors to their most successful two-year stint 
in 12 years, “Mussel-head” — Erick Dampier’s affectionate nickname — didn’t impress players with his gameplan or rotation, and his lone season in Sacramento is enough to put him over the top like Lincoln Hawk. After wooing the Maloofs with a PowerPoint slideshow (hey, I’m good at those, too!), Muss was arrested for a DUI in the preseason and never gained the players’ trust. He’s responsible for the Kings’ downfall after leading Sacramento to its worst season in nine years, and plus he’s somehow dating the lovely Danyelle Sargent — come on!
Dishonorable Mention:
*M.L. Carr (48-116, .293): C’s tanked to get Duncan
*Randy Wittman (100-207, .326): His GM helped…
*Brian Winters (36-148, .196): coached expansion Vancouver
*Don Chaney (100-166, .376)
*John Calipari (72-112, .391):
*Mike Dunleavy (437-486, .473): I dont want to step on Bill Simmons territory…
We’ve all made bad fashion choices here and there. Watch any TV show from the mid-90’s, and you can’t help but get distracted by some of the unbelievably bad outfits. I recently came across a picture of myself in middle school, in which I’m dressed in a purple Larry Johnson Hornets jersey with the matching shorts. I now realize that wasn’t a good look. And of course, the NBA has seen its own share of forgettable trends…
1. Who Wears Short Shorts? Okay, so this one isn’t really fair. That was the style in the ’80’s, and plus, the NBA has always frowned on (and fined) shorts that extended below the knee. I only mention it for two reasons.
Worst. Idea. Ever.
Tight Night!
2. Men In Tights: To the untrained eye, these look absolutely ridiculous, but what do we know? Megastars such as Kobe, Wade, and LeBron donned multi-colored tights on a regular basis during the 2005/06 season — the trend became so big, that ESPN even kept a tidy list of offenders. Supposedly, they help prevent injuries, though even LeBron once admitted that it was more of a fashion statement for most players. The NBA predictably banned wearing full-length tights under uniform shorts, but really, isn’t looking like a ballerina punishment enough?
3. Long Beautiful Hair: …or not. Look, I have nothing against long hair (especially the ‘fro), but as they say, everything ain’t for everybody. Mike Miller looks (ever more) like a middle school girl with his hairband, while Walter “Fabio” Herrmann belongs on the cover of a trashy romance novel with those golden locks. Thankfully, Chris Kaman cut his thinning “I Married an Axe Murder” hair, though I strongly advise you to not click on the thumbnail for your own safety.
Honorable mention goes to Sasha Vujacic’s hair net and Mike Dunleavy Jr., Miller’s hair apparent (ha).
Mike Miller
Walter Herrmann
Chris Kaman
4. Scot Pollard: Yes, Scot(t) gets his own category — it’s like a lifetime achievement award for his body of work over the years. Sit back and enjoy the many looks of The Talented Mr. Pollard, along with my personal nickname for each (you’re welcome)…
Blond Soul Man
Semi-Samurai
Ivan Drag-o
Why So Serious?
Double Mohawk
Vlade Throwback
5. The Suits: No NBA fashion entry would be complete without mentioning the draft-day suits. There have been many instant classics over the years, and observing the draftees’ outfits remains one of, if not the most entertaining part of the evening. Here are a handful of my favorites that truly illustrate what makes the NBA so damn amazing…
Karl Malone
Hakeem Olajuwon
Jalen Rose
Samaki Walker
Drew Gooden
Maurice Taylor
Tim Thomas
Bobby Jackson
Joakim Noah
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