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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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When Kenner, the maker of some fantastic Starting Lineups, lost its contract with the NBA in 1998, I stopped collecting sports figures entirely.  Sure, Mattel and later McFarlane released their own lines of “more realistic” products, but none of them could hold a candle to the 6″ SLUs that looked nothing like the players and had some questionable basketball poses (case in point: Jason Kidd).  But while searching the internet for gift ideas the other week, I came across some rather interesting players chosen by McFarlane for their very own action figures.  Let’s take a look at some of their worst moves.

Kwame Brown, Wizards (2002):  Okay, so maybe no one could’ve foreseen that the player who Michael Jordan drafted first overall in 2001 (and soon thereafter called a “flaming f****t”) would become a mediocre journeyman best known for somehow getting dealt for Caron Butler in one of the most lop-sided trades of the decade. Wait, you mean everyone did?  Either way, McFarlane really dropped the ball by not releasing a cake-throwing collectors’ edition five years later.

DaJuan Wagner, Cavaliers (2003): It’s not that Wagner had a horrible rookie season (13.4 points) or never showcased any future potential before having his career deranged by a colon.  It’s that Yao Ming, Amare (I refuse to put the apostrophe) Stoudemire, and Caron Butler, to name a few, were all chosen in the same draft and didn’t get their figures released as quickly.  And hell, even the great Skita Tskitishvili played more games in the NBA.

J.R, Smith, Hornets / Sabastian Telfair, Trail Blazers (2006) -  Figures of Smith and Telfair were released under an exclusive McFarlane series called “Young Guns.”  No really, they were.  I have absolutely absolutely nothing to add to this.

Michael Finley, Spurs (2006) - I’m sure there was a long line outside of every sports memorabilia shop to pick up a figure of the 33-year-old Michael Finley, years removed from his All-Star days in Dallas and barely putting up double-digit points as a reserve with the Spurs.  Rumor has it, McFarlane’s was furiously working on a Kevin Willis figure when he un-retired at age 44 during the same year.

Steve Francis, Knicks (2006) - Apparently someone at McFarlane felt that Francis’ New York tenure, a disaster in every which way imaginable that essentially led to the end of his pro career and forever tarnished Larry Brown’s reputation, needed to be commemorated with a highly coveted “Chase” piece (or rather, a repaint of his 2002 Rockets release).  A Grizzlies figure can’t be far behind.

Adam Morrison (2008) - It would be one thing if this figure come out in 2006, after Morrison finished a stellar collegiate career and was expected to emerge into a NBA star, or even in 2007, following his somewhat decent rookie campaign (11.8 PPG).  But no, it came out a full year later, while Morrison sat out the season with a knee injury, only to return to post 4.0 PPG in 2008/2009 with the Bobcats and Lakers. I can’t wait to see how McFarlane commemorates Morrison for winning a championship.

Desmond Mason (2008, 2009):  Mason does hold a 12.2 points per game career scoring average and has won a couple of Slam Dunk Contests, so one figure is perhaps excusable.  But someone at McFarlane must have a crush on Mr. Mason, since the same piece was repainted and re-released in 2009 after he was traded to the Thunder.  McFarlane called it a “Surprise” release — as in, “Surprise!  A guy who averaged less than eight points in 39 games has his own figure.”

Zach Randolph (2009) - I don’t even know what to say anymore.  An Eddy Curry figure in 2010?  Count on it.

It’s rarity for an NBA player to spend his entire career with his original team. In fact, only 20 of the NBA’s 50 Greatest Players played for just one franchise (19 if you count Julius Erving’s ABA stint). Hell, nothing can be surprising if Michael Jordan can return to the United Center as a member of the Washington Wizards (both comebacks were examined here).  And yet, some images of star athletes clad in unfamiliar uniforms just seem wrong. Whether it’s a quest for an elusive championship ring, a quick layover, or simply not knowing when to walk away from the game, here are some recent examples of known NBA players suiting up in shockingly unnatural-looking uniforms.

Hakeem Olajuwon, Raptors: Olajuwon played 17 seasons with the Rockets — and 20 years overall in Houston, including his college career — before being traded to the Toronto Raptors for draft picks. He registered career lows in almost every category, averaging just 7 points and 6 rebounds in one forgettable season north of the border. Then again, he might be the only player in NBA history to willingly report to Canada after being traded (see: Alonzo Mourning, Kenny Anderson).

Patrick Ewing, Magic: The late ’90’s Knicks were looking to rebuild and the fans had started to turn against their once franchise center. Ewing himself requested a change of scenery after 15 years without a ring in New York, and was sent to Seattle in a four-team trade. The 36-year-old put up then career-lows in points (9.6) and rebounds (7.4) in one season as a Sonic. He finished his career as seldom-used reserve in Orlando — which I’m guessing has the best Gold Clubs — in an unrecognizable #6 Magic jersey.

Karl Malone, Lakers:  Malone spent his first 18 seasons in Utah, falling just short of a title in 1997 and 1998. Desperate for a championship ring, he signed with the Lakers in 2003.  After never missing more than two games in any prior season, the 40-year-old appeared in just 42 regular season games, and sat out the deciding fifth game of the Finals against the eventual-champion Pistons.  The only good thing from his Lakers stint is that I learned my best pickup moves from the Mailman, who couldn’t quite deliver with Kobe’s wife.

Alex English: Mavericks: English ripped the nets for 11 years in Denver, becoming the franchise leader in points (12th in NBA history), assists, games, and minutes.  After averaging 18 points per game in 1989/90, he was unceremoniously unsigned by the Nuggets and inked a one-year deal with Dallas.  English put up 10 points per gave as backup on an underachieving Mavs team led by Roy “The Snowman” Tarpley in his final season. But man, that rainbow Nuggets throwback still looks so sweet!

Dominique Wilkins, Magic: Wilkins put up over 23,000 points in a Hawks uniform, before being traded to the Clippers for Danny Manning. He then bounced around the globe, playing in Boston, Panathinaikos, San Antonio, and Italy, before finishing his career with his brother Gerald in Orlando. The two-time Slam Dunk champion put up just 5 points in 9 minutes per game with the Magic — more like the Human Lowlight Film, amirite? Useless fact: Wilkins and Ewing are Orlando’s only Hall of Fame inductees.

John Starks, Bulls: Best known for his days in New York — I don’t advise saying “2 for 18″ around any Knicks fans — Starks spent two seasons apiece with the Warriors and Jazz. But during the 1999/00 season, he played four games for the Chicago Bulls, the team he used to battle in epic playoff series during the mid-90’s, and the victims of his career-defining play, “The Dunk” (left). The sight of Starks in Chicago red was almost as unfathomable as Larry Bird in purple and gold…or Chris Tucker in Rush Hour 4.

Robert Parish, Bulls: Parish played 14 seasons and won three titles in Boston after four years with the Warriors. Unfortunately, he’s the definition of not knowing when to hang it up, playing riding the bench until the age of 43 just to get his name into the record books. Parish was a reserve in Charlotte for two years, and averaged just 4 points and 2 rebounds in his final season as a third-string center on the 1997 NBA champion Bulls. Parish finally retired after the season, announcing, “I think it’s time…to walk away.” Only three years too late, Chief.

Scottie Pippen, Rockets: Pippen will always be remembered as Jordan’s sidekick on the six-time champion  Bulls.  But after 11 seasons in Chicago, he was dealt to Houston for Roy Rogers (Jerry Krause is a roast beef man) and a future pick. He played 50 games for the Rockets in a lockout- shortened season, before getting traded to Portland (these parting shots at Charles Barkley imply it didn’t go so well). Pip was instrumental in the Blazers’ 2000 playoff collapse against the Lakers, perhaps because he saw old pal Toni Kokuc in the crowd.

Rasheed Wallace, Hawks: Remember Sheed’s rookie season with the Bullets — a fitting team name for the aspiring rapper — way back in 1995?  He was traded to Portland after one season, where he soon became king of Jailblazers and master of the technical foul. Before helping the Pistons win the title in 2004, Wallace played a single game for the Hawks, a 98-92 loss to the Nets. One thing’s for sure — both teams definitely didn’t play hard.

Mitch Richmond, Lakers: While it may not be as traitorous as Johnny Damon signing with the Yankees or Clay Bennett stealing the Sonics, Richmond, who spent seven All-Star seasons with the Sacramento Kings, signed a one-year deal with the Lakers in 2001 after three years in Washington. He settled for a reduced role in Los Angeles, and unlike Malone and Ewing, won a ring in his final season, even though it meant selling his soul to the devil and beating his former team in the process.

Honorable Mention:

*Chauncey Billups, Raptors:  His tattoo reminds him of 51 games in Boston.
*Tim Hardaway, Indiana Pacers and Denver Nuggets?
*Gary Payton, Bucks:  His first of four stops after 12 and half seasons in Seattle.
*Glen Rice, Los Angeles Clippers
*Christian Laettner, 1992 Dream Team: What was the selection committee thinking?
*Sean Elliott, Detroit Pistons
*Ben Wallace, Orlando Magic and bald on the Bullets!
*Dikembe Mutombo, New Jersey Nets
*Steve Smith, Charlotte Bobcats: Not sure if he punched any teammates in the face.
*Alonzo Mourning, New Jersey Nets
*Rod Strickland, Toronto Raptors
*Glenn Robinson, San Antonio Spurs
*Jay Williams, New Jersey Nets
*Jayson Williams, Prison Orange: Maybe one day…

The NBA season is almost halfway over, but it’s never too late to revisit team slogans for 2008/09 (and no, we had no idea they had these either). As you’ll see below, most of them lack originality (shocker!), and go with something bland like, “Watch Us Play,” “On the Ball,” or best of all, “None.”  To help fix this problem, we’ve either added one of our own or a quick thought about the current slogan for each team. If you have any ideas of your own, feel free to add them in the comments.

Atlanta Hawks: Atlanta Hawks Basketball – Now You Know Huh…and all this time I thought I was watching the Falcons.

Boston Celtics: 17 Time World Champions I believe the actual slogan is “17-Time World Fucking Champions!”

Charlotte Bobcats: Play the Right Way That’s what she said!

Chicago Bulls: Love It Live! Where Vinny-ing Happens!

Cleveland Cavaliers: Get Pumped! Because he’s still ours until 2010!

Dallas Mavericks: Rowdy Proud and Loud Shh…just not when the SEC is around…

Denver Nuggets: Can You Feel It?  Feel what exactly? Melo’s bitch slap?

Detroit Pistons: We Work As One You mean the royal ‘we,’ right?”  — Allen Iverson

Golden State Warriors: N/A Moped-al to the Metal!

Houston Rockets: Get Red Whoops, that’s a typo. It should’ve read: “Get Injured.”

Indiana Pacers: Passion. Pride. Pacers. …Punches.

Los Angeles Clippers: Play Loud Home of That “Malcolm in the Middle” Kid (and Billy Crystal, but We’d Rather Not Talk About That)

Los Angels Lakers: None Where Our Ticket Prices Won’t be the Only Things to Rape You!

Memphis Grizzlies: Young & Hungry Commemorating the Bryant Reeves era…

Miami Heat: Something2Prove Why not go all out with “2Legit2Quit?”

Milwaukee Bucks: Ready To Rise Dear Asian population of Milwaukee: Yes, we traded Yi, but we still sorta have a Chinese guy in Joe Alexander! Hey…where are — don’t leave!

Minnesota Timberwolves: See What They Can Do Lose 40 games before the All-Star break?

New Jersey Nets: More Than A Game Jayson Williams’ chauffeur found out the hard way…

New Orleans Hornets: Passion. Purpose. Pride. You know, if they didn’t have a purpose, I’d swear they’re just jacking the Pacers’ slogan…

New York Knicks: None Yep, no arguments here…

Oklahoma City Thunder: N/A Hey, look over there, Seattle! *moving vans drive off*

Orlando Magic: 20 FAN-tastic Seasons Robert Deniro and Wesley Snipes will be on hand for every home game.

Philadelphia 76ers: Run With Us Yeah, we’re not that good, but the Phillies already won you a title, so ease up on the booing, okay?

Phoenix Suns: N/A Where Defense Is Optional Since 2002.

Portland Trail Blazers: Rise With Us Or what? You’ll sue me? Oh…okay then.

Sacramento Kings: None Because You Have Nothing Better To Do in Cow-town..

San Antonio Spurs: Come Together Nothing says our team isn’t old and boring like a song from1969.

Toronto Raptors: My Game Is Raptors Basketball It’s not like the Maple Leafs are any better, eh?

Utah Jazz Life Off. Game On. …but no home games on Sundays.

Washington Wizards: Washington Wizards…Character. Commitment. Connection. What are three words that have never been associated with Andray Blatche?

A logo is supposed to define a team and represent its best qualities.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like most NBA franchises ever received that memo. Why go with any semblance of creativity when you can opt for generic and unoriginal?  The better question might be, why fix it when it ain’t broke? If the throwback fad has taught us anything, it’s that old-school jerseys rocked…but not always.  Here’s a look back at the worst logo decisions in league history.

Detroit Pistons (1996-2001):  For some inexplicable reason, the Pistons ditched the classic blue uniforms and went with a hideous teal color scheme, changing the original logo into what appears to be red basketball giving birth to a flaming horse head. Apparently, it was supposed to represent “horsepower,” to keep with the whole “pistons” car theme. Ugh…a carburetor would’ve been better . Not coincidentally, once the team went back to an “updated” version of the original blue-and-red basketball in 2001, they soon won a title…probably because the players were no longer embarrassed to step out of the locker room.

Washington Wizards (1997-): Okay, so Bullets wasn’t a great name for a team playing in one of the most crime-infested cities in the country…but the Wizards? That’s the best they could do? Nothings screams intimidation like a children’s cartoon character and “I love gooooooold” alternate jerseys.  The other names in the mix were apparently the Dragons, Express, Cauliflower, Stallions, and Sea Dogs — I only made up one of those. By the way, if Washington had chosen ‘Stallions,’ I would’ve been a fan for life, just for the “Rocky” connotations. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, then all terrible logos and team names can change!

Toronto Raptors: Toronto has kept the same logo since entering the NBA in 1995, and it’s a damn shame. I guess the creators were trying to capitalize on the success of “Jurassic Park,” since I can’t think of any other connection between Canada and dinosaurs (well, aside from Oliver Miller). Not to mention, the creepy red raptor is wearing a jersey with a capital ‘R’ on the front, just in case you forget which team you were rooting for, and sneakers that thoughtfully leave enough room for two claws to stick out in the front. In fairness, I always thought this alternate logo was kinda cool, but of course, that hasn’t been around since 1998.

Denver Nuggets (1982-1993): It’s supposed to be the Denver skyline across a colorful pattern, but it looks more like a couple of grazing camels to me. Are those supposed to be Lego bricks? Stacks of Tetris blocks? The makers were either on a crazy acid trip or…no, there’s no other possible explanation.

Atlanta Hawks (1995-): I don’t consider the new “bluer” Hawk to be any different than the old one, and it loses extra points for reminding me of those awful “they turned blue!” Coors commercials. Anyways, the old-school logo is probably the most incredible and absurd logo in all of sports. I didn’t even realize it was a hawk outlined by a red circle until a few years ago. Did the makers realize that it looks like Pac-Man eating a pac-dot, or was that done on purpose? Either way, it’s infinitely more creative that some angry bird clutching a child-drawn basketball in its claws.

Oklahoma City Thunder: If the only other choices for the team name were Marshalls, Energy, Wind, Baron, or Bison, I would’ve just gone with the latter and used a picture of  (the late)? Mr. Dele as the logo…but alas. To make matters worse, the Thunder decided that their logo needs to look like the illegitimate bastard child of the New Jersey Nets and New York Liberty.  What the hell does it have to do with thunder?  Shouldn’t there be a lightning bolt in there somewhere?  Or maybe a Storm, just to stick to Seattle even more?

Golden State Warriors (1997-): The only good thing stemming from the OKC Thunder was supposed to be the demise of the Warriors “Thunder” mascot and logo.  What kind of franchise puts their spandex-covered mascot in the logo anyway?  But instead of going back to the classic city logo from the Run-TMC days, the Warriors have changed just about nothing.  Okay, so they use the alternate logo a little more now…which still has a freaking thunderbolt going through a capital ‘W.’  How does this make sense?

Cleveland Cavaliers (1995-2003): Let your imagination go wild, Cleveland!  I’m pretty sure this logo was created using only Clip Art images and a Microsoft Works textbox.  It’s a basketball going through a net in black box, with a streaking blue line that looks like someone screwed up with a highlighter.  And just in case the capital CAVS font wasn’t awkward enough, the thin black lines going through the center give it that special touch.  Cleveland wore these uniforms until 2003 — think about that for a second.

Milwaukee Bucks: I don’t think Milwaukee has ever gotten it quite right. The original logo looks like a female reindeer dressed in an ugly Christmas sweater, but at least it has that ‘classic’ look. The new logo, which was introduced in 1993, isn’t all bad, except for one thing — those creepy purple eyes!   But of course, Milwaukee couldn’t live without the Christmas theme for long, so they introduced a green and red color scheme in 2006, but thankfully changed the deer’s eye color….just don’t bring back those alternate ‘roadkill‘ jerseys, please.

Sacramento Kings (1986-1994):  I guess it’s supposed to be some kind of badge, or maybe the bottom of a blue basketball with a red crown on top of it.  It’s amazing that the franchise used the exact same horrid logo for almost 25 years, even back when the team was known as the Cincinnati Royals.  Although I still don’t understand where the light-blue jerseys with the player names written underneath the numbers came from, since that was never even one of the team’s primary colors.  Let’s just pray we’ll never see that monstrosity again.

Dishonorable Mention:

*Houston Rockets:  Anything is better than the cartoon spaceman/shark or the bleeding R.

*Miami Heat: Ooh, it’s a burning ball going through a hoop! Um…didn’t the Phoenix Suns kinda have that idea back in the ’60’s?

*This Timberwolves jersey, which thankfully turned out to be some kind of prototype.  The new logo isn’t all that bad, though I still wish they’d go back to the original Wolf from the NBA Jam days.

*Every team that “tweaks” its logo and uniform every few seasons just to sell more merchandise.

For a look at the worst trades of the McHale era, check out Part I of this three-part series.

As hard as it is to believe, no Kevin McHale transaction can compare to the Atlanta Hawks signing John Koncak (career averages: 4.5 points, 4.9 rebounds ) to a six-year, $13 million deal in 1989.  Sure, that doesn’t sound like a lot of money today, but at the time, it made him one of the highest paid players in the league.  Only in the NBA could Jon “Contract” be making more than Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird.  Say what you will about McHale, but he never overpaid a stiff and talentless white center.  Well, unless you count Mark Madsen, but he gets a pass for simply being awesome.  Narrowing down the list to the ten worst contracts of the McHale era (1995 - 2008) proved to be incredibly difficult, and some horrific moves from the likes of Billy King and Isiah Thomas failed to make the cut.  Let’s get to it.

1. Jim McIlvaine (5 years, $33.6 million), Seattle SuperSonics: After backing up Gheorge Muresan for two years in Washington, McIlvaine, fresh of a season in which he averaged 2.3 points, 2.9 rebounds, and 2.1 blocks per game, received a staggering contract offer from the Sonics. He responded with career-highs of 3.8 points and 4.0 rebounds the following season, and then declined statistically for the next four years while battling injuries. More importantly, the signing angered superstar Shawn Kemp, who had asked for an extension after leading Seattle to the NBA Finals.  Can you really blame him when Jim McIlvaine was making more money?  The locker room rift caused Seattle to trade Kemp to Cleveland for Vin “Hiccup” Baker (more on him later), where the former ‘Reign Man’ took his frustration out on defenseless pastries (and all the single ladies). The Sonics were never able to fully recover, and ended up moving to Oklahoma City this season…it’s all McIlvaine’s fault, Seattle fans.

2. Travis Knight (7 years, $22 million), Boston Celtics:  Ah, one of Rick Pitino’s finest moves as the Celtics GM was there when Travis Knight walked through that door. Apparently, 4.8 points, 4.5 rebounds, and being 7′0″ tall, was enough to hand Knight a ridiculous seven-year contract in 1997.  He was traded back to Los Angeles after one mediocre season in Boston, and fittingly spent his final three years in bad contract heaven, New York.  He finished his career with averages of 3.4 points and 3.1 rebounds, though he does hold the NBA playoff record for quickest disqualification…seriously, he does.

3. Bryant Reeves (6 years, $61.8 million), Vancouver Grizzlies: Wait a minute — another goofy white guy getting crazy money for no discernible reason?  I’m sensing a theme here. “Big Country” put up respectable numbers in his first two seasons (a few more blocks would be nice from a seven-footer, but hey), and the Grizz decided he was in line for a huge extension.  Reeves had his best statistical season in 1997, before discovering the local buffet specials.  He reported to training camp 40 pounds (!) overweight prior to the 1998 season, and shockingly developed back problems.  His team-eating contract made him impossible to trade, and devoured much of Vancouver’s limited cap space. He retired during the 2001/02 season after being unable to fit into his warm-ups.

4.  Tariq Abdul-Wahad (6 years, $43 million), Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets rewarded Abdul-Wahad, who played all of 15 games for the team after being acquired from Orlando, with an extension prior the start of the 2000/01 season.  He averaged four points in 29 games the following season, and was then traded to the Mavericks.  So what did Mr. Abdul-Wahad do in Dallas?  He put up 3.2 points in 18 games over two seasons, and hasn’t even put a uniform since 2003.  The Mavs paid him — you might want to sit down for this — $24.75 million for those valuable services through 2007.

5. Allan Houston (6 years, $100 million), New York Knicks: Although Houston’s deal is slightly more justifiable than some of the ones above, any player who gets a rule named after his awful contract belongs high on the list.  And besides, the effect on the already dreadful Knicks’ cap situation can’t be overstated.  In 2001, GM Scott Layden inexplicably handed him a maximum extension through the 2006/07 season, when Houston would be 35.  He’d play one full season and parts of the next two, before retiring due to a chronic knee condition (he’d also fail at two subsequent comebacks).  Houston’s $19-million per year salary was among the highest in the league in 2005/06 — when he didn’t play a single game.  In fact, he “earned” nearly $40 million for barely stepping on the court.  Speaking of which…

6.  Jerome James (5 years, $30 million), New York Knicks: As we’ve seen, NBA GMs have overpaid for size above skill on numerous occasions (several more are listed in the dishonorable mentions below), but few can top the curious case of Jerome James.  After averaging 5 points and 3 rebounds during the regular season, James exploded for 13 points and 7 rebounds in 11 games in the playoffs.  Every blogger in the world joked that Isiah Thomas would be dumb enough to sign him…and, of course, he did.  James put up 3 points and 2 rebounds in 44 games the following year, and has actually regressed since then.  He played a total of 5 minutes in two games during the 2007-08 season, making his only field goal attempt and two free throws, which gave him the best field goal and free throw percentage the entire league. So, there’s that.

7.  Juwan Howard (7 years, $105 million), Washington Bullets: Howard earned his first All-Star berth in 1996, and signed a $101-million contract with the Miami Heat.  Unfortunately (for Washington), that deal violated salary cap rules and was disallowed by the NBA.  So, the Bullets — bidding against no one — decided to make Howard, the first $100-million-man in NBA history.  He averaged a semi-respectable 18 points and 8 rebounds in five seasons in DC, but was booed mercilessly for never living up to expectations of being one of the league’s highest-paid players, and tied up much of the team’s cap space.  In one of Michael Jordan’s best moves as GM (no sarcasm!), he was traded to Dallas for Christian Laettner and the poo poo platter with three years left on his deal.  Howard would finish out the last two seasons in Denver, before bouncing around more area codes than Ludacris.

8.  Howard Eisley (7 years, $41 million), Utah Jazz: I’m not sure how being a mediocre, 28-year-old backup point guard equates to $41 million of guaranteed money, but I guess that’s why I’m not an NBA GM.  Eisley was signed by Utah and traded to the Mavericks prior to the 2000 season. After one season in Dallas, he was dealt to the one team that would agree to take back his cap-killing contract.  Any guesses?  Yep, New York, where Eisley averaged 7 points and 4 assists for the duration of his deal. At least they didn’t sign a one-dimensional shooting guard to a nine-figure extension around the same time — oh, right.

9.  Vin Baker (6 years, $86.7 million), Seattle SuperSonics: Baker put in a career season with Milwaukee in 1997, and was acquired by Seattle in a sign-and-trade for Kemp. He played well in his first year as a Sonic (19 points, 8 rebounds), before packing on the pounds — reportedly ballooning up to 300 lbs — and getting his Goose on during the NBA lockout.  Baker’s alcoholism ruined his career and turned him into the league’s biggest disappointment and running joke. He was traded to the Boston Celtics (for Kenny Anderson and Vitaly Potapenko), and entered into the alcohol treatment program. Boston ended up terminating his contract after Coach Jim O’Brien smelled alcohol on his breath during practice.  I’m taking it easy on the drunk jokes here, because I really do feel kinda bad for the guy…especially now that his house and restaurant have been foreclosed.

10.  Raef LaFrentz (7 years, $70 million), Dallas Mavericks: LaFrentz averaged 13 points and 7 rebounds over his first four seasons with Denver.  And then Mark Cuban gave him an enormous extension after acquiring him midway through the 2001/02 season in the same trade as Abdul-Wahad (good one, Cubes!).  LaFrentz didn’t fit in well with Don Nelson’s system, and his statistics declined across the board the following year.  He’s become more known for his salary than on-the-court contributions, getting shipped to Boston and then Portland strictly as cap filler.  LaFrentz has appeared in 65 games over the last three seasons combined (zero games in 2008/09), and is currently in the final year of that same contract — he’s entitled to $12.7 million for warming the Blazers bench.  What a life.

Dishonorable Mention (by total contract value):  How sad is it that none of these contracts — especially Cardinal and Foyle — can crack the top-10 worst of the last 13 years?

The NBA: Where Amazingly Bad Contracts Happen!

*Rashard Lewis (6 years, $110 million), Magic
*Grant Hill (7 years, $93 million), Magic
*Kenyon Martin (7 years, $91 million), Nuggets
*Penny Hardaway (7 years, $84 million), Suns
*Brian Grant (7 years, $84 million), Heat
*Erick Dampier (7 years, $73 million), Mavs
*Tim Thomas (6 years, $67 million), Bucks
*Austin Croshere (7 years, $51 million), Pacers
*Adonal Foyle (6 years, $42 million), Warriors
*Brian Cardinal (6 years, $37 million), Grizzlies
*Todd MacCulloch (6 year, $34 million), Nets
*Calvin Booth (6 years, $34 million), Sonics
*Vitaly Potapenko (6 year, $33 million), Celtics

It’s hard to believe that Kevin McHale lasted 13 seasons as the Minnesota Timberwolves’ Vice President of Basketball Operations.  Often regarded as the NBA’s worst GM this side of Isiah Thomas, he made countless terrible decisions that cost his team dearly (most notably perhaps, the infamous Joe Smith fiasco).  But we here at lowposts.com don’t kick people when they’re down — and after all, he was named the best general manager in all of sports by Forbes last season.  In honor of McHale’s firing — excuse me, “stepping down” — let’s take a look at the worst moves of his era…by other GMs.  Part I will focus on trades, and subsequent parts will explore free agent signings and draft picks.

1. Dallas Mavericks trade the draft rights to Robert “Tractor” Traylor to the Milwaukee Bucks for the rights to Dirk Nowitzki and the rights to Pat Garrity.

Yeah…that sure worked out well for the Bucks. Dirk went on to become a perennial All-Star and the first European MVP award winner, while Traylor would lead the league in Big Macs chomped per minute and tax evasion schemes. It should also be noted that the Mavs immidiately flipped the rights to Garrity — along with Martin Muursepp, Bubba Wells, and a future first round draft pick — to the Suns for Steve Nash. As horrible as that looks on paper, Phoenix made out better than exepected. The Suns selected Shawn Marion with the pick, and later brought a supposedly over-the-hill Nash back to the desert for his two MVP seasons.

2. Toronto Raptors trade Vince Carter to the New Jersey Nets for Eric Williams, Aaron Williams, Alonzo Mourning and two 1st round draft picks.

Since Alonzo “Phantom Raptor” Mourning refused to even make the trip to Canada, Toronto gave away Carter for just about nothing…unless you count Joey Graham, who was selected with one of those acquired draft picks (the other one was traded to New York). Sure, Carter wanted out and made his displeasure very obvious, but couldn’t the Raptors get a little more for a perennial All-Star? Like, I don’t know, some home-cooked food and clean drawers?

3. Chicago Bulls trade Eddy Curry and Antonio Davis to the New York Knicks for Tim Thomas, Michael Sweetney, Jermaine Jackson, and two future first round picks.

Let’s see — one the one hand, we have a one-dimensional, overpriced, overweight player who can’t grab a rebound and has a career-threatening heart condition. One the other, we have Tim Thomas, who played three games for the Bulls, and Jermaine Jackson who was cut. At least those draft picks didn’t amount to anything worthwhile — just LaMarcus Aldridge(#2 in 2006) and Joakim Noah (#9 in 2007). Impressive fleece job by Zeke, no?

4. Washington Wizards trade Kwame Brown and Laron Profit to the Los Angeles Lakers for Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins.

Remember that this trade comes on the heels of the widely-criticized Shaquille O’Neal trade, in which the Lakers acquired Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant, and a first round pick for the big man.  Yet, while Shaq led Miami to a title in his second season, his skills sharply declined and he would be later moved for Shawn Marion; plus, that draft pick was used on the promising Jordan Farmar.  But Kwame for Caron Butler? The Lakers really wish they could have a mulligan on that one, since “Birthday Cake” Brown would shockingly fail to impress Phil Jackson with his toughness, while Butler blossomed into one of the top forwards in the league with the Wiz.

5.  Charlotte Hornets trade the draft rights to Kobe Bryant to the Los Angeles Lakers for Vlade Divac.

At the end of the day, it’s a bad trade when you consider that Kobe would become one of the best players in the world and team up with Shaq to win three championships in Los Angeles. But if you’re wondering why this deal isn’t ranked higher, let’s remember a few key components. Kobe was expected to be a top-five pick, until he refused to workout for any teams except the Knicks and Lakers.  He even insisted that he’d play in Europe if another team were to take him — he’s grown so much since those days.   The Hornets selected him at number 13 overall, and ended up with an All-Star caliber center in Divac, who helped Charlotte reach the postseason in both of his seasons on the team.   Oh, and isn’t it fun to watch Kobe squirm uncomfortably in his Hornets cap on draft night?

6.  New Orleans Hornets send Baron Davis to the Golden State Warriors for Speedy Claxton and Dale Davis.

Read those names again, and please tell me what the Hornets were thinking here.  It’s not like Davis was an All-Star and All-NBA team member or anything (what, you mean, he was???).  Okay, so he missed a few games games and didn’t get along with Byron Scott, but that’s the best they could do?  Not-so-speedy Claxton would play 87 games over two seasons, and 35-year-old Dale Davis contributed a whopping 3.1 points in just 35 appearances.  Baron Davis, meanwhile, helped revitalize a struggling Warriors franchise, shattered Andrei Kirilenko’s confidence, and brought more of the beautiful Ms. Alba into our lives.

7.  Houston Rockets trade Richard Jefferson, Jason Collins, and Brandon Armstrong to the New Jersey Nets for Eddie Griffin.

A lot of critics felt the Nets were making a huge mistake by trading Griffin, who appeared to have an unprecedented skillset.  And yet, Jefferson and Collins were starters on back-to-back Nets Finals teams, while Griffin (RIP) never came close to realizing his full potential…well, except for that time in his SUV.

8. Washington Wizards trade Chris Webber to the Sacramento Kings for Mitch Richmond and Otis Thorpe.

The Wizards took a huge step backwards by dealing Webber in his prime for Richmond, who was entering the downside for his career.  Although Webber missed a lot of games with a dislocated shoulder, and had off the court troubles with the law in DC, he would transform the laughing stock Kings into an instant title contender.  The Wizards, captained by Richmond, Rod Strickland, and Juwan Howard, would fail to win more than 29 games in three seasons, before Michael Jordan mercifully relinquished his title of Director of Basketball Operations and destroyed his knees on the court.

9. Memphis Grizzlies trade Pau Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers for Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittendon, Marc Gasol, Aaron McKie’s corpse, and two future 1st round draft picks (2008 and 2010).

Call me crazy, but I don’t think this trade is as bad as everyone has made it out to be.  Yes, the Grizz could’ve gotten more, and Pau channeled his inner Vince Carter and started trying again in Los Angeles.  But the Grizzlies didn’t win a single playoff game during the Gasol era, and decided to rebuild: Brown’s expiring contract came off the books, Marc Gasol has played very well in his first season, and the 2008 pick turned out to be Donte Greene, who was shipped to the Rockets for Darrell Arthur and a 2009 second-rounder.  Plus, they have another 1st rounder next season.  Wait, did I just compliment Chris Wallace??

10. Minnesota Timberwolves trade Sam Cassell and a future first round draft pick for Marko Jaric

I know, I said no McHale trades, but come on! He made this deal right after the Wolves finally broke through and reached the Western Conference Finals, and then signed Jaric to a cap-killing five-year, $37 million extension. Plus, he refused to feed Latrell Sprewell’s family!

Dishonorable Mention:

*Detroit Pistons trade Grant Hill to the Orlando Magic for Ben Wallace and Chucky Atkins.

*Atlanta Hawks trade Rasheed Wallace to the Detroit Pistons for Bob Sura, Zeljko Rebraca, and a lottery-protected first round pick (Mil).

*Boston Celtics trade Joe Johnson, Randy Brown, Milt Palacio and a first round pick to the Phoenix Suns for Rodney Rodgers and Tony Delk.

We’ve all made bad fashion choices here and there.  Watch any TV show from the mid-90’s, and you can’t help but get distracted by some of the unbelievably bad outfits.  I recently came across a picture of myself in middle school, in which I’m dressed in a purple Larry Johnson Hornets jersey with the matching shorts.  I now realize that wasn’t a good look.  And of course, the NBA has seen its own share of forgettable trends…

1. Who Wears Short Shorts? Okay, so this one isn’t really fair.  That was the style in the ’80’s, and plus, the NBA has always frowned on (and fined) shorts that extended below the knee.  I only mention it for two reasons.

Worst. Idea. Ever.

• What will it take for someone to upload that old ‘NBA on NBC’ commercial with the women from “Friends” talking about how Stockton looked sexy in his short shorts on YouTube?  That right there, is comedy at its finest.

• Just in case someone out there wasn’t convinced that short shorts were a bad idea, the Lakers hammered home the point by bringing them back for one game last season.  The results were astonishingly bad, though at least we can all be thankful that Shaq (no stranger to the phenomenon himself) was no longer on the team.

Tight Night!

2. Men In Tights:  To the untrained eye, these look absolutely ridiculous, but what do we know?  Megastars such as Kobe, Wade, and LeBron donned multi-colored tights on a regular basis during the 2005/06 season — the trend became so big, that ESPN even kept a tidy list of offenders.  Supposedly, they help prevent injuries, though even LeBron once admitted that it was more of a fashion statement for most players. The NBA predictably banned wearing full-length tights under uniform shorts, but really, isn’t looking like a ballerina punishment enough?

3. Long Beautiful Hair: …or not.  Look, I have nothing against long hair (especially the ‘fro), but as they say, everything ain’t for everybody.  Mike Miller looks (ever more) like a middle school girl with his hairband, while Walter “Fabio” Herrmann belongs on the cover of a trashy romance novel with those golden locks.  Thankfully, Chris Kaman cut his thinning “I Married an Axe Murder” hair, though I strongly advise you to not click on the thumbnail for your own safety.

Honorable mention goes to Sasha Vujacic’s hair net and Mike Dunleavy Jr., Miller’s hair apparent (ha).

Mike Miller

Walter Herrmann

Chris Kaman

4. Scot Pollard: Yes, Scot(t) gets his own category — it’s like a lifetime achievement award for his body of work over the years. Sit back and enjoy the many looks of The Talented Mr. Pollard, along with my personal nickname for each (you’re welcome)…

Blond Soul Man

Semi-Samurai

Ivan Drag-o

Why So Serious?

Double Mohawk

Vlade Throwback

5. The Suits: No NBA fashion entry would be complete without mentioning the draft-day suits. There have been many instant classics over the years, and observing the draftees’ outfits remains one of, if not the most entertaining part of the evening. Here are a handful of my favorites that truly illustrate what makes the NBA so damn amazing…

Karl Malone

Hakeem Olajuwon

Jalen Rose

Samaki Walker

Drew Gooden

Maurice Taylor

Tim Thomas

Bobby Jackson

Joakim Noah

Dad?

Chicago Bulls: After last season’s thrilling beard-off with DeShawn Stevenson, Drew Gooden will bet Adam Morrison on who can grow the thicker Fu Manchu.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Delonte West’s favorite artist is Justin Timberlake, because he knows how to set the mood right (note:  we would’ve also accepted Johnny Gill).

Detroit Pistons: If you ever need to install new windows in your house, I know just the man to call.

Indiana Pacers: Jamaal Tinsley should be traded soon, but for now, his deadly shooting stroke is property of the Pacers.

Milwaukee Bucks: Charlie Villanueva is so used to Andrew Bogut’s self high-fives, he doesn’t even raise an eyebrow.

Next:  Southeast Division