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NORTH WEST IN THE HEEZY

I volunteered to put together a preview for the NW division because I’m a Blazer fan.  When I began the process, I did what anybody else would do: I turned to Wikipeida. What if they already had 2009-2010 previews already banged out? My work is 97% done. Unfortunetly for all of us, Wikipedia’s NW division page is lacking. This preview will almost certainly be lacking as well.

Even though Wiki fell way short, I did find this awesome graph:

You’re probably wondering why it looks like shit. I can’t be sure, but I’m guessing it’s because Tom Ziller made it. Shoals gets ridiculously high and comes up with all these capricious ideas, and Mr. Ziller spends 3 seconds in Kid Pix putting  the graphs together. At least use MS Paint. C’mon man.

Wanting to push the envelope, I had John Hollinger and Kevin Pelton put their giga-heads together to give us an idea of what to expect from the NW division in the next 20 years. I’ve gotta say, the results are both awesome and undeniable:

Highlights/observations:

• MORM - Mormonism Inc. (NYSE) goes under in 2012 and Brigham Young University, Deloitte & Touche and the Utah Jazz take the plunge with them. They will not be missed.
• I’m not much better with graphs than Ziller. Maybe worse. Definitely worse.
• The Blazers and Brandon Roy run the table and go undefeated for the next 20 years.
• The Nuggets, Thunder and Timberwolves continue to play basketball. Good for them.
• Neither Hollinger or Pelton could explain the random stalactite circa 1999.

Denver Nuggets

Best off season move: Aaron Affalao?

Injury prediction: [NENE CANCER JOKE]

Player most likely to get busted with more keys than a piano: Kurt Looby. Some one has to be Carmelo’s rookie.

Breakout player: JR Smith

For this joke, let’s pretend I asked JR Smith this question on Twitter.

@trealJRSmif: If you’re sister is twice as old as you when you’re 17, how old will she be when you’re 23?

Utah Jazz

Injury prediction: Jerry Sloan admits he has Parkinson’s, but plays through it because he aint no punk bitch.

Breakout player: Kyrylo Fesenko because he makes David Thorpe hard.

Best off season move: Retaining Paul Millsap.

Player Jerry Sloan makes hold his pocket all season: Andrei Kirilenko. He doesn’t care that you’re a veteran.

Record: 52-30

Portland Trail Blazers

The most youngest, most exciting, most everything team in the history of the NBA.

Injury prediction: NONE.

Best off season move: Signing Andre Miller to guarantee Jerryd Bayless never plays.

That has NEVER happened to Steve Blake.

Another angle where you can actually SEE Andre’s laces get shaken out of his shoes here.

Blazer bench reacts to Andre getting the rug pulled out from under him here.

Breakout player: Greg Oden. Beliee dat bruta.

Record: 53-29

Oklahoma City Thunder

Best off season move: Yo’ front court’s so bad, you picked up Kevin Ollie this summer. ZING.

Breakout player: Shaun Livingston.

Every time I’m hungover I swear off drinking…Every time I watch that video I swear off basketball.

Injury prediction: Nenad Kristic gets carpel tunnel because of vicious Farm and Yo Ville addictions. Sad shit.

Felony watch: Kyle Weaver. Cornrows mean trouble. Always.

Minnesota Timberwolves

Everyone that’s drafted or traded to the Timberwolves receives this letter:

Congratulations! You’re a Minnesota Timberwolf. Your home games will be played in Minneapolis, MN. We suggest you start taking lithium ASAP.

Side note: St. Paul International is the nicest airport I’ve ever seen. I thoroughly enjoyed all 90 minutes of my layover. I will never return.

Let’s look at the Timberwolves roster. Take away Kevin Love and Al Jefferson and what do you see?

NOTHING!

Wally Szczerbiak getting kicked in the face? Why not.

Injury prediction: Ramon Sessions breaks all the fingers on his right hand. On purpose.

Best off season move: HOARDING POINT GUARDS!

Random fact about Corey Brewer: He can perform autofellatio.

Breakout player: N/A

Record: 27-55

RECAP:

Division Champ: Portland Trail Blazers

There are two rules for being a successful NBA franchise. The first is don’t hire Isiah Thomas as your general manager. The second is steer clear of rookies who don’t want to play for your team. At least the Timberwolves got one of those right. As much as David Kahn wants to insist that drafting Ricky Rubio was the right move, it’s strikingly reminiscent of the Clippers drafting Danny Ferry in 1989, who immediately bolted to Italy (best decision he’s ever made), and more recently, the Magic drafting Fran Vázquez in 2005, who much like Rubio, gave no initial indication that he’d return to Spain rather than play in the NBA. The fact is, history has shown that drafting players against their wishes rarely ends well for teams who try to test their luck.

The Grizzlies selected Steve Francis second overall in the 1999 NBA Draft (over Baron Davis, Lamar Odom, and Shawn Marion) despite the fact that the Maryland guard publicly announced that he had no intention of playing in Vancouver. After nearly convincing him to sign with the team — Francis even filmed a shelved ESPN commercial where he revealed that his holdout was over his dislike of Canadian bacon — the Grizzlies were forced to trade the future three-time All-Star to the Rockets. In return, Vancouver acquired the poo-poo platter of Michael Dickerson, Othella Harrington, Antoine Carr and Brent Price, and shockingly began losing fan support and money. The team moved to Memphis within two years, all because “The Franchise” ruined, well, the franchise. In an ironic twist of fate, Francis was dealt by Houston back to the Grizzlies last season, but once again never suited up after immediately getting bought-out and waived.

Two years ago, the Bucks decided to draft Yi Jianlian, even after his agent Dan “Jack Woltz” Fegan insisted that his client would never play in Milwaukee. Yi eventually received an offer he couldn’t refuse — a guaranteed starting job and significant playing time. He put up a paltry 8.6 points on a 26-win Bucks team, and turned out to be (at least) three years older than the listed age on his Chinese documents. Milwaukee traded Yi to the Nets for Richard Jefferson after one disappointing season, and a year later, managed to turn the sixth pick in a strong 2007 draft class into three expiring contracts.

Going back further, in 1992, Jim Jackson, drafted fourth overall by the Mavericks, refused to report to the team and missed the majority of his rookie season after a lengthy contract dispute (this was, of course, before the days of the rookie salary cap, implemented after Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson demanded a ludicrous 13-year, $100 million contract). Jackson and Jason Kidd, two of the three “J’s” who were supposed to lead the Mavs back to prominence, allegedly became involved in a love triangle with R&B singer Toni Braxton and insisted they’d never breathe again on the same team. Jackson, along with Sam Cassell, was traded to the Nets for Shawn Bradley and Ed O’Bannon. Needless to say, the Mavs received the short end of that deal and would go on to have five consecutive losing seasons.

Which brings us back to Rubio. By drafting a player who, by all indications, doesn’t want to play in Minnesota, Kahn has all but guaranteed that his team will suffer, even if Rubio eventually ends up donning the green and blue. Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy or a final destination, but Minnesota’s fate was decided the moment David Stern announced the fifth pick in the 2009 Draft. Need more proof? How about those same lovable Clippers finally convincing their 1988 top pick, Danny Manning, to sign his contract, only to watch him blow out his knee 26 games into his rookie season and never live up to expectations?

Then again, it might be fun reading Kevin Love’s angry Twitter updates about the floppy-haired Spanish kid macking on his girlfriend…

The NBA season is almost halfway over, but it’s never too late to revisit team slogans for 2008/09 (and no, we had no idea they had these either). As you’ll see below, most of them lack originality (shocker!), and go with something bland like, “Watch Us Play,” “On the Ball,” or best of all, “None.”  To help fix this problem, we’ve either added one of our own or a quick thought about the current slogan for each team. If you have any ideas of your own, feel free to add them in the comments.

Atlanta Hawks: Atlanta Hawks Basketball – Now You Know Huh…and all this time I thought I was watching the Falcons.

Boston Celtics: 17 Time World Champions I believe the actual slogan is “17-Time World Fucking Champions!”

Charlotte Bobcats: Play the Right Way That’s what she said!

Chicago Bulls: Love It Live! Where Vinny-ing Happens!

Cleveland Cavaliers: Get Pumped! Because he’s still ours until 2010!

Dallas Mavericks: Rowdy Proud and Loud Shh…just not when the SEC is around…

Denver Nuggets: Can You Feel It?  Feel what exactly? Melo’s bitch slap?

Detroit Pistons: We Work As One You mean the royal ‘we,’ right?”  — Allen Iverson

Golden State Warriors: N/A Moped-al to the Metal!

Houston Rockets: Get Red Whoops, that’s a typo. It should’ve read: “Get Injured.”

Indiana Pacers: Passion. Pride. Pacers. …Punches.

Los Angeles Clippers: Play Loud Home of That “Malcolm in the Middle” Kid (and Billy Crystal, but We’d Rather Not Talk About That)

Los Angels Lakers: None Where Our Ticket Prices Won’t be the Only Things to Rape You!

Memphis Grizzlies: Young & Hungry Commemorating the Bryant Reeves era…

Miami Heat: Something2Prove Why not go all out with “2Legit2Quit?”

Milwaukee Bucks: Ready To Rise Dear Asian population of Milwaukee: Yes, we traded Yi, but we still sorta have a Chinese guy in Joe Alexander! Hey…where are — don’t leave!

Minnesota Timberwolves: See What They Can Do Lose 40 games before the All-Star break?

New Jersey Nets: More Than A Game Jayson Williams’ chauffeur found out the hard way…

New Orleans Hornets: Passion. Purpose. Pride. You know, if they didn’t have a purpose, I’d swear they’re just jacking the Pacers’ slogan…

New York Knicks: None Yep, no arguments here…

Oklahoma City Thunder: N/A Hey, look over there, Seattle! *moving vans drive off*

Orlando Magic: 20 FAN-tastic Seasons Robert Deniro and Wesley Snipes will be on hand for every home game.

Philadelphia 76ers: Run With Us Yeah, we’re not that good, but the Phillies already won you a title, so ease up on the booing, okay?

Phoenix Suns: N/A Where Defense Is Optional Since 2002.

Portland Trail Blazers: Rise With Us Or what? You’ll sue me? Oh…okay then.

Sacramento Kings: None Because You Have Nothing Better To Do in Cow-town..

San Antonio Spurs: Come Together Nothing says our team isn’t old and boring like a song from1969.

Toronto Raptors: My Game Is Raptors Basketball It’s not like the Maple Leafs are any better, eh?

Utah Jazz Life Off. Game On. …but no home games on Sundays.

Washington Wizards: Washington Wizards…Character. Commitment. Connection. What are three words that have never been associated with Andray Blatche?

A logo is supposed to define a team and represent its best qualities.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like most NBA franchises ever received that memo. Why go with any semblance of creativity when you can opt for generic and unoriginal?  The better question might be, why fix it when it ain’t broke? If the throwback fad has taught us anything, it’s that old-school jerseys rocked…but not always.  Here’s a look back at the worst logo decisions in league history.

Detroit Pistons (1996-2001):  For some inexplicable reason, the Pistons ditched the classic blue uniforms and went with a hideous teal color scheme, changing the original logo into what appears to be red basketball giving birth to a flaming horse head. Apparently, it was supposed to represent “horsepower,” to keep with the whole “pistons” car theme. Ugh…a carburetor would’ve been better . Not coincidentally, once the team went back to an “updated” version of the original blue-and-red basketball in 2001, they soon won a title…probably because the players were no longer embarrassed to step out of the locker room.

Washington Wizards (1997-): Okay, so Bullets wasn’t a great name for a team playing in one of the most crime-infested cities in the country…but the Wizards? That’s the best they could do? Nothings screams intimidation like a children’s cartoon character and “I love gooooooold” alternate jerseys.  The other names in the mix were apparently the Dragons, Express, Cauliflower, Stallions, and Sea Dogs — I only made up one of those. By the way, if Washington had chosen ‘Stallions,’ I would’ve been a fan for life, just for the “Rocky” connotations. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, then all terrible logos and team names can change!

Toronto Raptors: Toronto has kept the same logo since entering the NBA in 1995, and it’s a damn shame. I guess the creators were trying to capitalize on the success of “Jurassic Park,” since I can’t think of any other connection between Canada and dinosaurs (well, aside from Oliver Miller). Not to mention, the creepy red raptor is wearing a jersey with a capital ‘R’ on the front, just in case you forget which team you were rooting for, and sneakers that thoughtfully leave enough room for two claws to stick out in the front. In fairness, I always thought this alternate logo was kinda cool, but of course, that hasn’t been around since 1998.

Denver Nuggets (1982-1993): It’s supposed to be the Denver skyline across a colorful pattern, but it looks more like a couple of grazing camels to me. Are those supposed to be Lego bricks? Stacks of Tetris blocks? The makers were either on a crazy acid trip or…no, there’s no other possible explanation.

Atlanta Hawks (1995-): I don’t consider the new “bluer” Hawk to be any different than the old one, and it loses extra points for reminding me of those awful “they turned blue!” Coors commercials. Anyways, the old-school logo is probably the most incredible and absurd logo in all of sports. I didn’t even realize it was a hawk outlined by a red circle until a few years ago. Did the makers realize that it looks like Pac-Man eating a pac-dot, or was that done on purpose? Either way, it’s infinitely more creative that some angry bird clutching a child-drawn basketball in its claws.

Oklahoma City Thunder: If the only other choices for the team name were Marshalls, Energy, Wind, Baron, or Bison, I would’ve just gone with the latter and used a picture of  (the late)? Mr. Dele as the logo…but alas. To make matters worse, the Thunder decided that their logo needs to look like the illegitimate bastard child of the New Jersey Nets and New York Liberty.  What the hell does it have to do with thunder?  Shouldn’t there be a lightning bolt in there somewhere?  Or maybe a Storm, just to stick to Seattle even more?

Golden State Warriors (1997-): The only good thing stemming from the OKC Thunder was supposed to be the demise of the Warriors “Thunder” mascot and logo.  What kind of franchise puts their spandex-covered mascot in the logo anyway?  But instead of going back to the classic city logo from the Run-TMC days, the Warriors have changed just about nothing.  Okay, so they use the alternate logo a little more now…which still has a freaking thunderbolt going through a capital ‘W.’  How does this make sense?

Cleveland Cavaliers (1995-2003): Let your imagination go wild, Cleveland!  I’m pretty sure this logo was created using only Clip Art images and a Microsoft Works textbox.  It’s a basketball going through a net in black box, with a streaking blue line that looks like someone screwed up with a highlighter.  And just in case the capital CAVS font wasn’t awkward enough, the thin black lines going through the center give it that special touch.  Cleveland wore these uniforms until 2003 — think about that for a second.

Milwaukee Bucks: I don’t think Milwaukee has ever gotten it quite right. The original logo looks like a female reindeer dressed in an ugly Christmas sweater, but at least it has that ‘classic’ look. The new logo, which was introduced in 1993, isn’t all bad, except for one thing — those creepy purple eyes!   But of course, Milwaukee couldn’t live without the Christmas theme for long, so they introduced a green and red color scheme in 2006, but thankfully changed the deer’s eye color….just don’t bring back those alternate ‘roadkill‘ jerseys, please.

Sacramento Kings (1986-1994):  I guess it’s supposed to be some kind of badge, or maybe the bottom of a blue basketball with a red crown on top of it.  It’s amazing that the franchise used the exact same horrid logo for almost 25 years, even back when the team was known as the Cincinnati Royals.  Although I still don’t understand where the light-blue jerseys with the player names written underneath the numbers came from, since that was never even one of the team’s primary colors.  Let’s just pray we’ll never see that monstrosity again.

Dishonorable Mention:

*Houston Rockets:  Anything is better than the cartoon spaceman/shark or the bleeding R.

*Miami Heat: Ooh, it’s a burning ball going through a hoop! Um…didn’t the Phoenix Suns kinda have that idea back in the ’60’s?

*This Timberwolves jersey, which thankfully turned out to be some kind of prototype.  The new logo isn’t all that bad, though I still wish they’d go back to the original Wolf from the NBA Jam days.

*Every team that “tweaks” its logo and uniform every few seasons just to sell more merchandise.

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)