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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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We’ve seen some epic collapses in the sports world, from the Houston Oilers’ overtime meltdown against the Buffalo Bills in 1993 to the Boston Red Sox historic comeback against the New York Yankees in 2004. While no team in NBA history has ever blown a 3-0 series lead, eight teams have battled back from a 3-1 deficit, and an eighth seed once made it all the way to the Finals. Let’s take a look at some of the biggest choke jobs in recent NBA playoff history.

1. Seattle vs. Denver (1994): Yes, it was a five-game series, but no one gave the eighth seed Nuggets any chance of beating the 63-win Sonics. Seattle went up 2-0, and then had approximately 1,243 shots blocked by Dikembe Mutombo in the next three games.  And of course, we’ll always have that wonderful image of Mutombo clutching the ball while laying on the court; it sexed him later on that evening.

2. Dallas vs. Golden State (2007): The Warriors became the first eighth seed to beat the one seed in a seven-game series, though it wasn’t completely unexpected after Golden State matched up so well against the Dallas during the regular season.  Still, there’s no question that the Mavs fell apart and lost their confidence, especially MVP Dirk “No-win-ski,” who scored 8 points on 2 or 13 shooting in the deciding Game 6. But please, Nellie, control yourself!

3. New York vs. Indiana (1995): The Knicks held a six-point lead with less than 20 seconds left in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals, before Miller hit a three, stole a sloppy Anthony inbounds pass, and tied the game with another three-ball. John “2 for 19″ Stars then missed two free throws, before Miller, inexplicably fouled by Mason, hit both foul shots and ran into the locker room screaming, “Chokers! Chokers!” Yep, that about says it all right there. And if you’re wondering, this game just barely edges out Teresa Witherspoon’s half-court buzzer beater in the 1999 WNBA Finals for my favorite playoff finish of all-time. I’m completely serious.

4. Orlando vs. Detroit (2003): The eighth-seed Magic took a shocking 3-1 series lead over the heavily-favored Pistons, leading Tracy McGrady to note that it was “nice to finally be in the second round.” Maybe he didn’t know about the rule change? Orlando lost the next three games by an average of twenty points and T-Mac has still not played on a team that has advanced past the first round. Tracy, it’s not on you, and maybe it’s time to give it up?

5. Portland vs. Los Angeles Lakers (2000): You can find Portland under “choke” in the dictionary — no, really, you can. The Blazers held a 15-point lead at the start of the fourth quarter in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals and threw it all away. Wait, does anyone realize that we were minutes away from the Jail Blazers going to the Finals and likely winning the championship? And watching Kobe and Shaq man-hug and pretend to like each other was awkward back then, but it’s on a whole different level now.

6. Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston (2008): The Lakers led by 24 points in the third quarter of Game 4, but lost the game after the Celtics completed the biggest comeback in the NBA Finals since 1971. After winning Game 5, Los Angeles missed their flight to Boston and forfeited Game 6. Oh, right, Kobe and company were drubbed by 39 points, the biggest margin of victory in an NBA championship-clinching game (laughs manically).

7. Dallas vs. Miami (2006): The Mavs won the first two games of the Finals, and Mark Cuban started planning a championship parade. Dallas was up by 13 points with under seven minutes left in Game 3, but ended up blowing the lead and the next three games on a series of missed free throws and botched timeouts. And Dwyane Wade may have gotten a call or two in South Beach…along with herpes.

7. Los Angeles Lakers vs. Phoenix (2006): After losing Game 1, the seventh-seed Lakers won the next three, and looked to close out the Suns in five games. Raja Bell would have none of that, and became the hero of Laker-haters everywhere after clothes-lining Kobe Bryant in Game 5. Kobe, afraid of another ass-kicking, took only three shots in the second half of the deciding seventh game, a 31-point Phoenix win (continues to laugh).

9. Miami vs. New York (1999): The Knicks made an improbable run all the way to the Finals as an eighth seed, defeating the Heat in the first round on an Allan Houston running jumper, though it should be noted that this happened during the fat player lockout shortened season. It’s a little ironic that Latrell Sprewell was on the other side of the choke. And was it all worth it when you consider that it led to Houston’s cap-killing contract? I say, no.

10. New Jersey vs. Boston (2002): The Nets were leading by 21 points in the fourth quarter of Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals, and were then outscored 41-16 by the Celtics the rest of the way.  It’s ranked lower because New Jersey surprisingly rebounded to win the series after going down 2-1, and earned a trip to a Finals sweep at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers (stops laughing).

Honorable Mention:

*Sacramento vs. Los Angeles Lakers (2002): Conspiracy theories aside, the Kings were visibly nervous in Game 7 and missed 14 out of 30 free throws. I’d rather not talk about this.

*Orlando vs. Houston (1995): More of an individual career collapse since the Magic were woefully outmatched in Finals, but has there ever been a more stunning breakdown than Nick Anderson missing four consecutive free throws in the closing seconds of Game 1?

The NBA season is almost halfway over, but it’s never too late to revisit team slogans for 2008/09 (and no, we had no idea they had these either). As you’ll see below, most of them lack originality (shocker!), and go with something bland like, “Watch Us Play,” “On the Ball,” or best of all, “None.”  To help fix this problem, we’ve either added one of our own or a quick thought about the current slogan for each team. If you have any ideas of your own, feel free to add them in the comments.

Atlanta Hawks: Atlanta Hawks Basketball – Now You Know Huh…and all this time I thought I was watching the Falcons.

Boston Celtics: 17 Time World Champions I believe the actual slogan is “17-Time World Fucking Champions!”

Charlotte Bobcats: Play the Right Way That’s what she said!

Chicago Bulls: Love It Live! Where Vinny-ing Happens!

Cleveland Cavaliers: Get Pumped! Because he’s still ours until 2010!

Dallas Mavericks: Rowdy Proud and Loud Shh…just not when the SEC is around…

Denver Nuggets: Can You Feel It?  Feel what exactly? Melo’s bitch slap?

Detroit Pistons: We Work As One You mean the royal ‘we,’ right?”  — Allen Iverson

Golden State Warriors: N/A Moped-al to the Metal!

Houston Rockets: Get Red Whoops, that’s a typo. It should’ve read: “Get Injured.”

Indiana Pacers: Passion. Pride. Pacers. …Punches.

Los Angeles Clippers: Play Loud Home of That “Malcolm in the Middle” Kid (and Billy Crystal, but We’d Rather Not Talk About That)

Los Angels Lakers: None Where Our Ticket Prices Won’t be the Only Things to Rape You!

Memphis Grizzlies: Young & Hungry Commemorating the Bryant Reeves era…

Miami Heat: Something2Prove Why not go all out with “2Legit2Quit?”

Milwaukee Bucks: Ready To Rise Dear Asian population of Milwaukee: Yes, we traded Yi, but we still sorta have a Chinese guy in Joe Alexander! Hey…where are — don’t leave!

Minnesota Timberwolves: See What They Can Do Lose 40 games before the All-Star break?

New Jersey Nets: More Than A Game Jayson Williams’ chauffeur found out the hard way…

New Orleans Hornets: Passion. Purpose. Pride. You know, if they didn’t have a purpose, I’d swear they’re just jacking the Pacers’ slogan…

New York Knicks: None Yep, no arguments here…

Oklahoma City Thunder: N/A Hey, look over there, Seattle! *moving vans drive off*

Orlando Magic: 20 FAN-tastic Seasons Robert Deniro and Wesley Snipes will be on hand for every home game.

Philadelphia 76ers: Run With Us Yeah, we’re not that good, but the Phillies already won you a title, so ease up on the booing, okay?

Phoenix Suns: N/A Where Defense Is Optional Since 2002.

Portland Trail Blazers: Rise With Us Or what? You’ll sue me? Oh…okay then.

Sacramento Kings: None Because You Have Nothing Better To Do in Cow-town..

San Antonio Spurs: Come Together Nothing says our team isn’t old and boring like a song from1969.

Toronto Raptors: My Game Is Raptors Basketball It’s not like the Maple Leafs are any better, eh?

Utah Jazz Life Off. Game On. …but no home games on Sundays.

Washington Wizards: Washington Wizards…Character. Commitment. Connection. What are three words that have never been associated with Andray Blatche?

A logo is supposed to define a team and represent its best qualities.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like most NBA franchises ever received that memo. Why go with any semblance of creativity when you can opt for generic and unoriginal?  The better question might be, why fix it when it ain’t broke? If the throwback fad has taught us anything, it’s that old-school jerseys rocked…but not always.  Here’s a look back at the worst logo decisions in league history.

Detroit Pistons (1996-2001):  For some inexplicable reason, the Pistons ditched the classic blue uniforms and went with a hideous teal color scheme, changing the original logo into what appears to be red basketball giving birth to a flaming horse head. Apparently, it was supposed to represent “horsepower,” to keep with the whole “pistons” car theme. Ugh…a carburetor would’ve been better . Not coincidentally, once the team went back to an “updated” version of the original blue-and-red basketball in 2001, they soon won a title…probably because the players were no longer embarrassed to step out of the locker room.

Washington Wizards (1997-): Okay, so Bullets wasn’t a great name for a team playing in one of the most crime-infested cities in the country…but the Wizards? That’s the best they could do? Nothings screams intimidation like a children’s cartoon character and “I love gooooooold” alternate jerseys.  The other names in the mix were apparently the Dragons, Express, Cauliflower, Stallions, and Sea Dogs — I only made up one of those. By the way, if Washington had chosen ‘Stallions,’ I would’ve been a fan for life, just for the “Rocky” connotations. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, then all terrible logos and team names can change!

Toronto Raptors: Toronto has kept the same logo since entering the NBA in 1995, and it’s a damn shame. I guess the creators were trying to capitalize on the success of “Jurassic Park,” since I can’t think of any other connection between Canada and dinosaurs (well, aside from Oliver Miller). Not to mention, the creepy red raptor is wearing a jersey with a capital ‘R’ on the front, just in case you forget which team you were rooting for, and sneakers that thoughtfully leave enough room for two claws to stick out in the front. In fairness, I always thought this alternate logo was kinda cool, but of course, that hasn’t been around since 1998.

Denver Nuggets (1982-1993): It’s supposed to be the Denver skyline across a colorful pattern, but it looks more like a couple of grazing camels to me. Are those supposed to be Lego bricks? Stacks of Tetris blocks? The makers were either on a crazy acid trip or…no, there’s no other possible explanation.

Atlanta Hawks (1995-): I don’t consider the new “bluer” Hawk to be any different than the old one, and it loses extra points for reminding me of those awful “they turned blue!” Coors commercials. Anyways, the old-school logo is probably the most incredible and absurd logo in all of sports. I didn’t even realize it was a hawk outlined by a red circle until a few years ago. Did the makers realize that it looks like Pac-Man eating a pac-dot, or was that done on purpose? Either way, it’s infinitely more creative that some angry bird clutching a child-drawn basketball in its claws.

Oklahoma City Thunder: If the only other choices for the team name were Marshalls, Energy, Wind, Baron, or Bison, I would’ve just gone with the latter and used a picture of  (the late)? Mr. Dele as the logo…but alas. To make matters worse, the Thunder decided that their logo needs to look like the illegitimate bastard child of the New Jersey Nets and New York Liberty.  What the hell does it have to do with thunder?  Shouldn’t there be a lightning bolt in there somewhere?  Or maybe a Storm, just to stick to Seattle even more?

Golden State Warriors (1997-): The only good thing stemming from the OKC Thunder was supposed to be the demise of the Warriors “Thunder” mascot and logo.  What kind of franchise puts their spandex-covered mascot in the logo anyway?  But instead of going back to the classic city logo from the Run-TMC days, the Warriors have changed just about nothing.  Okay, so they use the alternate logo a little more now…which still has a freaking thunderbolt going through a capital ‘W.’  How does this make sense?

Cleveland Cavaliers (1995-2003): Let your imagination go wild, Cleveland!  I’m pretty sure this logo was created using only Clip Art images and a Microsoft Works textbox.  It’s a basketball going through a net in black box, with a streaking blue line that looks like someone screwed up with a highlighter.  And just in case the capital CAVS font wasn’t awkward enough, the thin black lines going through the center give it that special touch.  Cleveland wore these uniforms until 2003 — think about that for a second.

Milwaukee Bucks: I don’t think Milwaukee has ever gotten it quite right. The original logo looks like a female reindeer dressed in an ugly Christmas sweater, but at least it has that ‘classic’ look. The new logo, which was introduced in 1993, isn’t all bad, except for one thing — those creepy purple eyes!   But of course, Milwaukee couldn’t live without the Christmas theme for long, so they introduced a green and red color scheme in 2006, but thankfully changed the deer’s eye color….just don’t bring back those alternate ‘roadkill‘ jerseys, please.

Sacramento Kings (1986-1994):  I guess it’s supposed to be some kind of badge, or maybe the bottom of a blue basketball with a red crown on top of it.  It’s amazing that the franchise used the exact same horrid logo for almost 25 years, even back when the team was known as the Cincinnati Royals.  Although I still don’t understand where the light-blue jerseys with the player names written underneath the numbers came from, since that was never even one of the team’s primary colors.  Let’s just pray we’ll never see that monstrosity again.

Dishonorable Mention:

*Houston Rockets:  Anything is better than the cartoon spaceman/shark or the bleeding R.

*Miami Heat: Ooh, it’s a burning ball going through a hoop! Um…didn’t the Phoenix Suns kinda have that idea back in the ’60’s?

*This Timberwolves jersey, which thankfully turned out to be some kind of prototype.  The new logo isn’t all that bad, though I still wish they’d go back to the original Wolf from the NBA Jam days.

*Every team that “tweaks” its logo and uniform every few seasons just to sell more merchandise.

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)

For a look at the worst trades of the McHale era, check out Part I of this three-part series.

As hard as it is to believe, no Kevin McHale transaction can compare to the Atlanta Hawks signing John Koncak (career averages: 4.5 points, 4.9 rebounds ) to a six-year, $13 million deal in 1989.  Sure, that doesn’t sound like a lot of money today, but at the time, it made him one of the highest paid players in the league.  Only in the NBA could Jon “Contract” be making more than Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird.  Say what you will about McHale, but he never overpaid a stiff and talentless white center.  Well, unless you count Mark Madsen, but he gets a pass for simply being awesome.  Narrowing down the list to the ten worst contracts of the McHale era (1995 - 2008) proved to be incredibly difficult, and some horrific moves from the likes of Billy King and Isiah Thomas failed to make the cut.  Let’s get to it.

1. Jim McIlvaine (5 years, $33.6 million), Seattle SuperSonics: After backing up Gheorge Muresan for two years in Washington, McIlvaine, fresh of a season in which he averaged 2.3 points, 2.9 rebounds, and 2.1 blocks per game, received a staggering contract offer from the Sonics. He responded with career-highs of 3.8 points and 4.0 rebounds the following season, and then declined statistically for the next four years while battling injuries. More importantly, the signing angered superstar Shawn Kemp, who had asked for an extension after leading Seattle to the NBA Finals.  Can you really blame him when Jim McIlvaine was making more money?  The locker room rift caused Seattle to trade Kemp to Cleveland for Vin “Hiccup” Baker (more on him later), where the former ‘Reign Man’ took his frustration out on defenseless pastries (and all the single ladies). The Sonics were never able to fully recover, and ended up moving to Oklahoma City this season…it’s all McIlvaine’s fault, Seattle fans.

2. Travis Knight (7 years, $22 million), Boston Celtics:  Ah, one of Rick Pitino’s finest moves as the Celtics GM was there when Travis Knight walked through that door. Apparently, 4.8 points, 4.5 rebounds, and being 7′0″ tall, was enough to hand Knight a ridiculous seven-year contract in 1997.  He was traded back to Los Angeles after one mediocre season in Boston, and fittingly spent his final three years in bad contract heaven, New York.  He finished his career with averages of 3.4 points and 3.1 rebounds, though he does hold the NBA playoff record for quickest disqualification…seriously, he does.

3. Bryant Reeves (6 years, $61.8 million), Vancouver Grizzlies: Wait a minute — another goofy white guy getting crazy money for no discernible reason?  I’m sensing a theme here. “Big Country” put up respectable numbers in his first two seasons (a few more blocks would be nice from a seven-footer, but hey), and the Grizz decided he was in line for a huge extension.  Reeves had his best statistical season in 1997, before discovering the local buffet specials.  He reported to training camp 40 pounds (!) overweight prior to the 1998 season, and shockingly developed back problems.  His team-eating contract made him impossible to trade, and devoured much of Vancouver’s limited cap space. He retired during the 2001/02 season after being unable to fit into his warm-ups.

4.  Tariq Abdul-Wahad (6 years, $43 million), Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets rewarded Abdul-Wahad, who played all of 15 games for the team after being acquired from Orlando, with an extension prior the start of the 2000/01 season.  He averaged four points in 29 games the following season, and was then traded to the Mavericks.  So what did Mr. Abdul-Wahad do in Dallas?  He put up 3.2 points in 18 games over two seasons, and hasn’t even put a uniform since 2003.  The Mavs paid him — you might want to sit down for this — $24.75 million for those valuable services through 2007.

5. Allan Houston (6 years, $100 million), New York Knicks: Although Houston’s deal is slightly more justifiable than some of the ones above, any player who gets a rule named after his awful contract belongs high on the list.  And besides, the effect on the already dreadful Knicks’ cap situation can’t be overstated.  In 2001, GM Scott Layden inexplicably handed him a maximum extension through the 2006/07 season, when Houston would be 35.  He’d play one full season and parts of the next two, before retiring due to a chronic knee condition (he’d also fail at two subsequent comebacks).  Houston’s $19-million per year salary was among the highest in the league in 2005/06 — when he didn’t play a single game.  In fact, he “earned” nearly $40 million for barely stepping on the court.  Speaking of which…

6.  Jerome James (5 years, $30 million), New York Knicks: As we’ve seen, NBA GMs have overpaid for size above skill on numerous occasions (several more are listed in the dishonorable mentions below), but few can top the curious case of Jerome James.  After averaging 5 points and 3 rebounds during the regular season, James exploded for 13 points and 7 rebounds in 11 games in the playoffs.  Every blogger in the world joked that Isiah Thomas would be dumb enough to sign him…and, of course, he did.  James put up 3 points and 2 rebounds in 44 games the following year, and has actually regressed since then.  He played a total of 5 minutes in two games during the 2007-08 season, making his only field goal attempt and two free throws, which gave him the best field goal and free throw percentage the entire league. So, there’s that.

7.  Juwan Howard (7 years, $105 million), Washington Bullets: Howard earned his first All-Star berth in 1996, and signed a $101-million contract with the Miami Heat.  Unfortunately (for Washington), that deal violated salary cap rules and was disallowed by the NBA.  So, the Bullets — bidding against no one — decided to make Howard, the first $100-million-man in NBA history.  He averaged a semi-respectable 18 points and 8 rebounds in five seasons in DC, but was booed mercilessly for never living up to expectations of being one of the league’s highest-paid players, and tied up much of the team’s cap space.  In one of Michael Jordan’s best moves as GM (no sarcasm!), he was traded to Dallas for Christian Laettner and the poo poo platter with three years left on his deal.  Howard would finish out the last two seasons in Denver, before bouncing around more area codes than Ludacris.

8.  Howard Eisley (7 years, $41 million), Utah Jazz: I’m not sure how being a mediocre, 28-year-old backup point guard equates to $41 million of guaranteed money, but I guess that’s why I’m not an NBA GM.  Eisley was signed by Utah and traded to the Mavericks prior to the 2000 season. After one season in Dallas, he was dealt to the one team that would agree to take back his cap-killing contract.  Any guesses?  Yep, New York, where Eisley averaged 7 points and 4 assists for the duration of his deal. At least they didn’t sign a one-dimensional shooting guard to a nine-figure extension around the same time — oh, right.

9.  Vin Baker (6 years, $86.7 million), Seattle SuperSonics: Baker put in a career season with Milwaukee in 1997, and was acquired by Seattle in a sign-and-trade for Kemp. He played well in his first year as a Sonic (19 points, 8 rebounds), before packing on the pounds — reportedly ballooning up to 300 lbs — and getting his Goose on during the NBA lockout.  Baker’s alcoholism ruined his career and turned him into the league’s biggest disappointment and running joke. He was traded to the Boston Celtics (for Kenny Anderson and Vitaly Potapenko), and entered into the alcohol treatment program. Boston ended up terminating his contract after Coach Jim O’Brien smelled alcohol on his breath during practice.  I’m taking it easy on the drunk jokes here, because I really do feel kinda bad for the guy…especially now that his house and restaurant have been foreclosed.

10.  Raef LaFrentz (7 years, $70 million), Dallas Mavericks: LaFrentz averaged 13 points and 7 rebounds over his first four seasons with Denver.  And then Mark Cuban gave him an enormous extension after acquiring him midway through the 2001/02 season in the same trade as Abdul-Wahad (good one, Cubes!).  LaFrentz didn’t fit in well with Don Nelson’s system, and his statistics declined across the board the following year.  He’s become more known for his salary than on-the-court contributions, getting shipped to Boston and then Portland strictly as cap filler.  LaFrentz has appeared in 65 games over the last three seasons combined (zero games in 2008/09), and is currently in the final year of that same contract — he’s entitled to $12.7 million for warming the Blazers bench.  What a life.

Dishonorable Mention (by total contract value):  How sad is it that none of these contracts — especially Cardinal and Foyle — can crack the top-10 worst of the last 13 years?

The NBA: Where Amazingly Bad Contracts Happen!

*Rashard Lewis (6 years, $110 million), Magic
*Grant Hill (7 years, $93 million), Magic
*Kenyon Martin (7 years, $91 million), Nuggets
*Penny Hardaway (7 years, $84 million), Suns
*Brian Grant (7 years, $84 million), Heat
*Erick Dampier (7 years, $73 million), Mavs
*Tim Thomas (6 years, $67 million), Bucks
*Austin Croshere (7 years, $51 million), Pacers
*Adonal Foyle (6 years, $42 million), Warriors
*Brian Cardinal (6 years, $37 million), Grizzlies
*Todd MacCulloch (6 year, $34 million), Nets
*Calvin Booth (6 years, $34 million), Sonics
*Vitaly Potapenko (6 year, $33 million), Celtics

It’s hard to believe that Kevin McHale lasted 13 seasons as the Minnesota Timberwolves’ Vice President of Basketball Operations.  Often regarded as the NBA’s worst GM this side of Isiah Thomas, he made countless terrible decisions that cost his team dearly (most notably perhaps, the infamous Joe Smith fiasco).  But we here at lowposts.com don’t kick people when they’re down — and after all, he was named the best general manager in all of sports by Forbes last season.  In honor of McHale’s firing — excuse me, “stepping down” — let’s take a look at the worst moves of his era…by other GMs.  Part I will focus on trades, and subsequent parts will explore free agent signings and draft picks.

1. Dallas Mavericks trade the draft rights to Robert “Tractor” Traylor to the Milwaukee Bucks for the rights to Dirk Nowitzki and the rights to Pat Garrity.

Yeah…that sure worked out well for the Bucks. Dirk went on to become a perennial All-Star and the first European MVP award winner, while Traylor would lead the league in Big Macs chomped per minute and tax evasion schemes. It should also be noted that the Mavs immidiately flipped the rights to Garrity — along with Martin Muursepp, Bubba Wells, and a future first round draft pick — to the Suns for Steve Nash. As horrible as that looks on paper, Phoenix made out better than exepected. The Suns selected Shawn Marion with the pick, and later brought a supposedly over-the-hill Nash back to the desert for his two MVP seasons.

2. Toronto Raptors trade Vince Carter to the New Jersey Nets for Eric Williams, Aaron Williams, Alonzo Mourning and two 1st round draft picks.

Since Alonzo “Phantom Raptor” Mourning refused to even make the trip to Canada, Toronto gave away Carter for just about nothing…unless you count Joey Graham, who was selected with one of those acquired draft picks (the other one was traded to New York). Sure, Carter wanted out and made his displeasure very obvious, but couldn’t the Raptors get a little more for a perennial All-Star? Like, I don’t know, some home-cooked food and clean drawers?

3. Chicago Bulls trade Eddy Curry and Antonio Davis to the New York Knicks for Tim Thomas, Michael Sweetney, Jermaine Jackson, and two future first round picks.

Let’s see — one the one hand, we have a one-dimensional, overpriced, overweight player who can’t grab a rebound and has a career-threatening heart condition. One the other, we have Tim Thomas, who played three games for the Bulls, and Jermaine Jackson who was cut. At least those draft picks didn’t amount to anything worthwhile — just LaMarcus Aldridge(#2 in 2006) and Joakim Noah (#9 in 2007). Impressive fleece job by Zeke, no?

4. Washington Wizards trade Kwame Brown and Laron Profit to the Los Angeles Lakers for Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins.

Remember that this trade comes on the heels of the widely-criticized Shaquille O’Neal trade, in which the Lakers acquired Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant, and a first round pick for the big man.  Yet, while Shaq led Miami to a title in his second season, his skills sharply declined and he would be later moved for Shawn Marion; plus, that draft pick was used on the promising Jordan Farmar.  But Kwame for Caron Butler? The Lakers really wish they could have a mulligan on that one, since “Birthday Cake” Brown would shockingly fail to impress Phil Jackson with his toughness, while Butler blossomed into one of the top forwards in the league with the Wiz.

5.  Charlotte Hornets trade the draft rights to Kobe Bryant to the Los Angeles Lakers for Vlade Divac.

At the end of the day, it’s a bad trade when you consider that Kobe would become one of the best players in the world and team up with Shaq to win three championships in Los Angeles. But if you’re wondering why this deal isn’t ranked higher, let’s remember a few key components. Kobe was expected to be a top-five pick, until he refused to workout for any teams except the Knicks and Lakers.  He even insisted that he’d play in Europe if another team were to take him — he’s grown so much since those days.   The Hornets selected him at number 13 overall, and ended up with an All-Star caliber center in Divac, who helped Charlotte reach the postseason in both of his seasons on the team.   Oh, and isn’t it fun to watch Kobe squirm uncomfortably in his Hornets cap on draft night?

6.  New Orleans Hornets send Baron Davis to the Golden State Warriors for Speedy Claxton and Dale Davis.

Read those names again, and please tell me what the Hornets were thinking here.  It’s not like Davis was an All-Star and All-NBA team member or anything (what, you mean, he was???).  Okay, so he missed a few games games and didn’t get along with Byron Scott, but that’s the best they could do?  Not-so-speedy Claxton would play 87 games over two seasons, and 35-year-old Dale Davis contributed a whopping 3.1 points in just 35 appearances.  Baron Davis, meanwhile, helped revitalize a struggling Warriors franchise, shattered Andrei Kirilenko’s confidence, and brought more of the beautiful Ms. Alba into our lives.

7.  Houston Rockets trade Richard Jefferson, Jason Collins, and Brandon Armstrong to the New Jersey Nets for Eddie Griffin.

A lot of critics felt the Nets were making a huge mistake by trading Griffin, who appeared to have an unprecedented skillset.  And yet, Jefferson and Collins were starters on back-to-back Nets Finals teams, while Griffin (RIP) never came close to realizing his full potential…well, except for that time in his SUV.

8. Washington Wizards trade Chris Webber to the Sacramento Kings for Mitch Richmond and Otis Thorpe.

The Wizards took a huge step backwards by dealing Webber in his prime for Richmond, who was entering the downside for his career.  Although Webber missed a lot of games with a dislocated shoulder, and had off the court troubles with the law in DC, he would transform the laughing stock Kings into an instant title contender.  The Wizards, captained by Richmond, Rod Strickland, and Juwan Howard, would fail to win more than 29 games in three seasons, before Michael Jordan mercifully relinquished his title of Director of Basketball Operations and destroyed his knees on the court.

9. Memphis Grizzlies trade Pau Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers for Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittendon, Marc Gasol, Aaron McKie’s corpse, and two future 1st round draft picks (2008 and 2010).

Call me crazy, but I don’t think this trade is as bad as everyone has made it out to be.  Yes, the Grizz could’ve gotten more, and Pau channeled his inner Vince Carter and started trying again in Los Angeles.  But the Grizzlies didn’t win a single playoff game during the Gasol era, and decided to rebuild: Brown’s expiring contract came off the books, Marc Gasol has played very well in his first season, and the 2008 pick turned out to be Donte Greene, who was shipped to the Rockets for Darrell Arthur and a 2009 second-rounder.  Plus, they have another 1st rounder next season.  Wait, did I just compliment Chris Wallace??

10. Minnesota Timberwolves trade Sam Cassell and a future first round draft pick for Marko Jaric

I know, I said no McHale trades, but come on! He made this deal right after the Wolves finally broke through and reached the Western Conference Finals, and then signed Jaric to a cap-killing five-year, $37 million extension. Plus, he refused to feed Latrell Sprewell’s family!

Dishonorable Mention:

*Detroit Pistons trade Grant Hill to the Orlando Magic for Ben Wallace and Chucky Atkins.

*Atlanta Hawks trade Rasheed Wallace to the Detroit Pistons for Bob Sura, Zeljko Rebraca, and a lottery-protected first round pick (Mil).

*Boston Celtics trade Joe Johnson, Randy Brown, Milt Palacio and a first round pick to the Phoenix Suns for Rodney Rodgers and Tony Delk.

Big Baby is a huge fan of Vince Young

Boston Celtics: Ubuntu will be pushed to the limit when players realize that Brian Scalabrine’s 2008/09 salary ($3,206,897) is more than that of Rajon Rondo, Leon Powe, and Glen Davis…combined.

New Jersey Nets:  Brook Lopez has a ways to go before setting foot in the pantheon of Nets center greats: Jim McIlvaine, Todd McCullough, and Nenad Krstic.

New York Knicks:  Serious question — can Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph, and Jerome James ride the elevator at the same time?

Philadelphia 76ers:  On November 14, Mike Dunleavy Jr. will find a mysterious note in his locker prior to tip-off against Philly:  “When you see Elton, go for the Achilles.  Love, Dad.”

Toronto Raptors:  Injuries will take their toll:  Jermaine O’Neal hasn’t played a full season since Ice Cube had a jheri curl, and Jose Calderon will discover the meaning of payback courtesy of Yao, Yi, and Yue.

Next: Central Division