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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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Key Offseason Additions: Tyreke Evans, Kevin Martin’s ankle, Omri Casspi, Jon Brockman, Eddie Murphy as “The Nutty Professor” Sean May, Desmond Mason, Francisco Garcia’s cast, Paul Westphal, Sergio Rodriguez

Why do the Kings love unathletic, white centers so much?

The Lowdown: Much like the Clippers and Warriors (Good God this division is awful), the Kings gave up a staggering 109.3 points per game, finished dead-last in opponents’ field goal percentage (48.3%), and committed the fifth-most turnovers in the league. Add in the fact that Sacramento played half the season without the services of one of the league’s best scorers in Kevin Martin, and were coached by Mike Brown’s evil twin, and suddenly 17 begins to actually sound impressive.

While Jason Thompson and Spencer Hawes should continue to improve, the Kings haven’t had a true low-post scoring threat since the days of Webber and Vlade. The front court depth is also alarmingly thin, with the ghost of Kenny Thomas and Sean May serving as the only backup big men (and yes, that’s the first and only time that “Sean May” and “thin” will be used in the same sentence).

It would be funny if Michael Scott broke his arm by having an exercise ball explode underneath his body on an episode of “The Office.” For a professional basketball team (well, in theory) coming off the worst season in franchise history, Francisco Garcia’s freak injury, which will sideline him for four months, is just disheartening. It’s still hard to believe that Eddy Curry’s ass has never destroyed a physio-ball…oh, wait.

The Good: Kevin Martin is finally healthy after rigorously working out during the offseason, and his return should be big shot in the arm for an anemic offense. While questions remain about Tyreke Evans’ ability to play the point, his athleticism, long wingspan and exceptional play-making skills should (hopefully) keep him on the floor in favor of Beno Udrih.  Although the team’s defense still leaves much to be desired, Evans, along with the recently-signed Desmond Mason, will help improve last season’s league-worst defensive unit.

After hiring an experienced and proven head coach in Paul Westphal and drafting a player who several experts believe could win Rookie of the Year, the Kings have clearly cemented themselves as contenders…for the first pick in the 2010 NBA Draft.  Let’s not kid ourselves — it’s going to be a long year in Sac-town.

Fantasy Sleeper Alert: Since Coach Westphal said he prefers Andres Nocioni to come off the bench, Garcia’s injury opens the door for second-year man Donte Greene or rookie Omri Casspi to play significant minutes off the bat, and possibly seize the starting small forward spot from the veteran Mason. Based on their performances in the preseason, Casspi (8 points per game, 7-8 FG) has the early edge. Let’s just hope he doesn’t get attacked by any vindictive exercise balls.

Prediction: 28-54 — 4th in Pacific Division, 13th in Western Conference

The 2009 NBA Draft is nearly upon us.

‘Tis nigh. ‘Tis nigh!

And what better way to ring in draft week than with our very own Anthony Charles Xavier Mason.

Let the mocking and drafting begin.. (more…)