Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.
Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.
Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’ALL DON’T KNOW!
Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Unidentified Flying Humanoids!
Key Offseason Additions: Channing Frye, Earl Clark, Dan Dickau, The Other Griffin Brother, Jason Richardson’s DUI, The Ghost of Sasha Pavlovic, Amar’e Stoudemire’s right eye
We found the new Pollard...
The Lowdown: Once upon a time not long ago, the Suns were one of the most fun teams to watch and the easiest to predict, with a nucleus of Steve Nash, Shawn Marion, and Amar’e Stoudemire jacking up shots in seven seconds or less and winning 55 games in the process. But of course, Steve Kerr had to go and mess that up — now why you wanna go and do that, Steve, huh?
With the Shaquille O’Neal experiment now deemed failure in Phoenix, the Suns will look to revitalize the run-and-gun days of old under of one of Mike D’Antoni’s disciples, Alvin Gentry. After barely missing the playoffs with a respectable 46-36 record — including a promising 18-13 finish under Gentry — Phoenix welcomes back a team with more questions than answers, led by a presumably two-eyed Stoudemire, a suspiciously revitalized Grant Hill (you would’ve gotten pretty good odds in Vegas on Hill playing in all 82 games last year), and a 35-year-old Nash coming off his worst season in five years.
The Good: While Goran Dragic, despite sounding like a highly formidable “Rocky” opponent, failed to show much promise in his rookie campaign, Dan Dickau was brought in to battle for the backup PG spot. So there’s that. And let’s not forget, the Suns continue to lead the league in awesome hairstyles, from Louis Amundson’s Scot Pollard-esque samurai ponytail, to Robin Lopez’s best Sideshow Bob impersonation. It may not help them get more wins (or will it?), but it sure adds to their entertainment value. At least for me.
Fantasy Sleeper Alert: Anyone who’s watched Channing Frye in Portland over the last two years has probably wondered what he’s done to deserve a guaranteed NBA contract, much less a starting job. But as it stands right now, Frye is atop the team’s depth chart at center, making the aforementioned Lopez an immediate candidate to get big minutes and emerge into a cheap source of boards and blocks.
Prediction: 44-38 — 2nd in Pacific Division, 8th in Western Conference
The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of a man cursed by puppets - Lebron James. All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.
Today: The Phoenix Suns.. (more…)
(Amare Stoudemire is changing in the locker room before the Sixers game Monday night, when he’s approached by GM Steve Kerr..)
Kerr: Amare, you know we belong together. I have no time for you to be playing with my heart like this. You’ll be mine forever baby, you just see..
Stoudemire: The…fuck? (more…)
I’ve been fascinated by afros ever since I was a little kid. When I was growing up, I wanted a ‘fro more than anything in the world, and constantly begged my mother to let me get a perm for my wavy hair. In hindsight, I’m glad she didn’t listen, because I could never pull of a cool-looking Jewfro (at least, not as well as “Fletch“).
To make up for the lack of awesome afros in the early ’90’s — the apparent peak of the flat top era — I frequented local sports card shows, searching for new, um, hair-raising items to add to my collection. The ABA was the jackpot of amazing afros during the 1970’s. Among my favorites were classic styles worn by the likes of Darnell Hillman and Julius Erving, the Chia Pet on the head of Randy Denton, and Michael Jackson’s “thriller.” The unintentionally hilarious balding ‘fro would later find its way into the NBA, courtesy of World B. Free.
Thankfully, the late ’90’s and early 2000’s marked the triumphant return of the ‘fro, starting with Ben Wallace. Big Ben was one of the first players to switch between the increasingly popular cornrows and afro hairstyles from game to game. Although the trend never caught on as much as one would’ve liked, it game us a handful of memorable appearances, such as the ones below.
Ben Wallace
Shaun Livingston
Ricky Davis
Darius Miles
Moochie Norris
Ronny Turiaf
For a short time, several NBA superstars got into the act, popularizing the ‘baby afro’ look in the mid-2000’s. It’s a shame that Gilbert Arenas may have kept his bushy hairstyle a little longer, had it not been for an unfortunate conditioning incident. Even the usually plain-vanilla Tim Duncan busted out a fantastic mini-fro for the beginning 2004/05 season, before eventually going back to his patented bald look.
Kobe Bryant
Gilbert Arenas
Tim Duncan
Unfortunately, those hairstyles are long gone, and today’s NBA has a disturbing lack of hair creativity. Ben Wallace’s ‘fro is tired, and it’s only a matter of time before he starts looking like the aforementioned World B. Free (sorry, I just can’t get enough of that photo). I don’t know what Anderson Varejao, Robin Lopez, and Joakim Noah have going right now, but those are not afros. They look more like Sideshow Bob or Corbin Bleu admirers than Dr. J fans. To top if off, the only man who’s maintained a true ‘fro since coming into the league, Josh Childress, is now representing in Greece. And it’ll be at least a year until we see Brandon Jennings’ old school flat top on the NBA hardwood. We’re close to reaching a crisis stage here, people. If David Stern needs to get involved here, I’m okay with that — whatever it takes. Just bring back the ‘fro!
Josh Childress
Anderson Varejao
Robin Lopez
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