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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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I'm not sure Brent Price got the memo here... (Image courtesy of SactownRoyalty.com)

While Hedo Turkoglu shouldn’t quit his day job to start a rap career, he certainly wouldn’t be the first former Sacramento King to venture into a new area of business.  In fact, Eze of A Royal Pain and I have once again joined forces to uncover what some of the teams’ best players have been up to in their post-Kings days.  Let’s take a look.

Jason Williams:  Williams couldn’t stay retired for long, and soon became a respected professor of Chinese Studies at a local university. “I went from confused to Confucius, homes!” he shouted when reached by phone. Word has it that J-Will refuses to allow his students to call him by his last name, and instead prefers to be called, “Professor White Boy.”

Read the knuckles to find out Professor Williams' name of choice.

Mike Bibby:  Bibby finally combined his two loves, basketball and manicures, to release “Bibbalicious Nail Clippers,” a grooming set designed to be used during games.  ”There were times when Rick [Adelman] would sub me back in, but I had to tell him, ‘Nah, man, not ’til I finish the acrylic tips.  I didn’t want someone to have to go through that again.”

Vlade Divac:  Vlade had a difficult time after leaving Sacramento, and his smoking habit was out of control.  ”I was smoking five packs a day, and needed help,” he confesses in his latest commercial for “Vlade’s Patch,” Nicoderm’s biggest rival.  He adds, “this is the only nicotine patch you can trust, because you know it won’t flop,” with a wink to the camera.

Vlade's Patch won't ever flop...

Scot Pollard:  Pollard opened a barbershop that specialized in Color Me Badd hairstyles and goatees, but was forced to shut down operations when Kevin Love was his best and only customer.  He then began moonlighting as a D.A.S.E. (Drug Abuse Submission Education) officer, encouraging kids to do drugs.

Brad Miller: Although he doesn’t remember how he came up with the idea, Brad’s line of snack products, “Miller’s Munchies,” has become one of the best sellers on the market. “It’s because it’s high on flavor,” he claims, before giggling uncontrollably. “Just don’t tell them who my best customer is, or he’ll end up confistacting this tape.”

Miller's Munchies are high on flavor...

Chris Webber: Still fuming after a rehabilitation center used his name without permission — “Webber’s Wehab: Knee Braces & More” — C-Webb declined to take time out for an interview.

Doug Christie: After the Christies left Sacramento, Doug’s wife was no longer able to keep tabs on her husband’s every move.  Out came, “Doug Jackie Christie’s Dog Leashes,” designed to “keep your man in check when he’s actin’ wild…like talking to some hoochie.”

This is an actual promo shot from their reality show, "Committed." I kid you not.

Bonzi Wells:  Wells took his contract negotiating skills to the financial world.  He turned down a multi-year offer from Goldman Sachs to become a Lehman Brothers intern.  When that failed to work out, he opened his own Goodwill store and is waiting for your donation.

Lawrence Funderburke:  Funderburke opened “Fundy’s Bench & Chair Shop,” the only local retailer specializing in making custom benches.  ”It’s what I know best from my time with the Kings.  I’m actually recruiting Mateen [Cleaves] to come cheer for us.  No one waves a towel like that dude.”

I'm too sexy for my shirt...

We Also Hear:

*Ronnie Price: Capitalizing on his own 15 minutes of fame, Price is now working as a celebrity acting coach for reality stars.

*Cuttino Mobley:  Mobley, along with co-founder Steve Francis, opened a highly profitable male strip club, “Anal Gleen’s.” Peja Stojakovic is their top dancer.

Steal, steal, steal, all day long. Steal, steal, steal, as I sing this song...

Almost exactly one year ago, the Sacramento Kings re-signed Beno Udrih to a five-year, $32-million contract. He promptly guided the team to the worst record in franchise history, cementing his place amongst the worst signings in franchise history. After a pain-staking amount of research, Eze of ARoyalPain.com and I have discovered than Beno not only ruined the Kings cap situation for the foreseeable future, but is also responsible for some of the world’s worst evils.   We’ve collaborated to present 19 little known but indisputable facts about the Kings’ grossly overpaid backup point guard.

1. A monkey wasn’t responsible for the virus in Outbreak. It was Beno Udrih.

2. That wasn’t an Earthquake that rumbled San Francisco in 1989 — it was God crying when he saw Beno Udrih pick up a basketball for the first time.

3. The police should stop looking for the killers of 2Pac, Notorious B.I.G., and Big L. Beno Udrih is responsible for all three murders.

4. Lorena Bobbit had just finished watching Beno Udrih commit 19 turnovers the night she sliced off her husband’s willy.

5. Bloody Mary doesn’t appear in a mirror if her name is called three times. Beno Udrih comes in her place.

6. Bernie Madoff considers Beno Udrih his hero for the fraud job he pulled on the Sacramento Kings.

7. Alanis Morissette wrote “You Oughta Know” about, you guessed it, Beno Udrih.

8. Captain Sully of of US Airways Flight 1549 that landed in the Hudson River said it was not birds that hit the engine, but rather a errant pass from Beno Udrih.

9. There’s a little-known cheat code in “Grand Theft Auto” (B-E-N-O) which gives a player $32 million for doing absolutely nothing.

10. Len Bias’ heart attack wasn’t caused by a cocaine overdose. He had a vision that Beno Udrih would make $7 million per season.

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There wasn’t supposed to be a fourth part in this series, but Kevin McHale wasn’t supposed to become one of the league’s best coaches.  Sure, he had a successful stint at the end of the 2004/05 season (19-12), but that team was a year removed from a conference finals appearance.  The 2008/09 Timberwolves were 4-15 before McHale took over, and have gone 13-19 ever since.  Remarkably, at one point in January, Minnesota was one of the hottest teams in the league, winning 10 out of 12 games. Maybe the Knicks should’ve just let Isiah coach — oh, right. While it’s too soon to tell if McHale’s poor performance as a GM was at least partly due to the team’s coaches (I wonder who’s in charge of hiring those guys?), he won’t find himself on this list anytime soon. Here are the worst coaches of the McHale era (1995-2008), ranked based on record, decision-making, and expectations.

1. Tim Floyd (93-231, .287): Perhaps not even Phil Jackson could muster more than 13 wins out of the 1998/99 Bulls featuring the likes of Rusty LaRue, Kornell David, and Dickey Simpkins (Basketball Reference insists these are real NBA players). But the Elton Brand and Ron Artest-led team went 17-65 the following season, and then regressed to only 15 wins the year after. Floyd mercifully resigned after a 4-21 start in 2001/02; he was subsequently fired after a 41-41 campaign with the 2003/04 Hornets. Fun facts: he was playfully known as “Pink” Floyd by the Chicago media, and once lashed out at being called “Jerry [Krause]’s boy.”

2.  Rick Pitino (102-146, .411) Pitino was the Celtics’ anointed savior after signing a 10-year, $50 million contract to be the GM and head coach. He vowed that he’d lead the Celtics back to the playoffs within 3 years…but hit a snag when Larry Bird, Kevin McHale (isn’t it ironic?), and Robert Parish didn’t walk through that door. In classy move in 1999, Pitino admitted that he would’ve never taken the job if he knew he wouldn’t draft Tim Duncan. He threatened to quit at the end of that season, as well as the next one, before resigning in January of 2001. The C’s never won more than 36 games in his 3+ seasons, and he further alienated players through his incompetency as a GM (see Travis Knight signing, trading rookie Chauncey Billups for Kenny Anderson’s mega contract, etc.).

3. Mike Woodson (137-243, .361): Woodson’s Hawks went 13-69 in 2004/05, but yet he stuck around through three more losing seasons. Atlanta reached the playoffs in 2007/08 with just 37 victories — and a roster stacked with lottery picks, mind you — which saved Woodson from getting the axe. The local writers called him the the worst coach in Atlanta sports history, and he’s admitted to having a tough time managing this starters’ minutes (that might be important for a head coach). The Hawks are 31-21 at the All-Star break, but I can’t help but wonder if Atlanta would be among the NBA’s elite if they had a halfway decent coach.

4. P.J. Carlesimo (204-296, .408): Take away his three seasons with the Blazers, and Carlesimo’s winning percentage drops to a Floyd-esque .263.  Carlesimo bombed in Golden State, where he ran into conflicts with management and wasn’t respected by the players. You might be even say, he choked under the pressure (sorry, I couldn’t resist). He won 19 games in his first year, 2 in his second, and was fired after a 6-21 start in 1999/00. He resurfaced with Seattle a staggering eight years later, and guided the team to the worst record in franchise history (20-62). The Thunder were off to a league-worst 1-12 record when he was fired in November, and have gone 12-28 under interim-coach Scott Brooks.

5. Sam Mitchell (156-189, .452): Once voted the worst coach in the league in a poll of 248 NBA players, Mitchell became notorious for his head-scratching lineups, questionable substitution patterns, and inability to call timeouts in key situations. But I’ll give credit where it’s due — the man sure knew how to rock a designer suit. Interestingly enough, he was named Coach of the Year in 2007 while the Toronto fans were calling for his head, and he was dismissed a little over a year later. That day was declared a Canadian national holiday.

6. Brian Hill (248-283, .467): Yes, Hill is a three-time 50-game winner in Orlando, where he stood back and watched Shaq and Penny lead the Magic to NBA Finals in 1995. But he was also a terrible decision maker on the sidelines and botched many games for a supremely talented team. And of couse, he was notoriously disliked by his players, to the point where Penny and company demanded that that he be fired after a players’ only meeting. He then compiled an uninspiring 31-123 record in two+ years with the Grizzlies, before coming back to Orlando in 2005. The Magic went 40-42 games in his final season, and then improved by 12 games under Stan Van Gundy.

7. Bill Hanzlik (11-71, .134): Hanzlik’s first and only head coaching season came with 1997/98 Denver Nuggets, who came within two games of tying the 1972/1973 Philadelphia 76ers for the worst record in NBA history. Don’t get me wrong, 11 wins is horrific no matter how you cut it, but I mean, would you be able to pick five of these players out of a lineup? From the useless stat department: Handzlik holds the NBA record for fewest wins in full season by a rookie coach.  I’m sure he pops the champagne whenever a new coach wins his 12th game.

8. Lon Kruger (69 -122, .361): Kruger is another example a good collegiate coach who wasn’t cut out for the NBA (damn the Hawks for playing on Philips Drive, so I can’t make a Nightmare of Elm Street reference!). He was over-matched on the sidelines, and faced disconnect and a lack of respect from his players. After the Hawks won 33 games in his second season, Kruger guaranteed season-ticket holders a $125 refund if the Atlanta wouldn’t make the playoffs next year. Kruger was fired after an 11-16 start…but at least some people got paid.

9. John Lucas (79-209, .274): Lucas was coming off 55-win season with the Spurs in 1993/94, where his successor, Bob Hill won 62 games the following season. Hired as the coach and GM of the 76ers (this never fails), Lucas won 24 and 18 games, respectively, in his two seasons in Philly. He won 29 games with Cleveland in 2001, but was fired after failing to show progress with a young team in the midst of a disastrous 8-34 start in 2002/03. Then again, his efforts translated into a league-worst 17-65 record, which landed the Cavs LeBron James. So, there’s that.

10. Eric Musselman (108-138 , .439):  While he led the Warriors to their most successful two-year stint in 12 years, “Mussel-head” — Erick Dampier’s affectionate nickname — didn’t impress players with his gameplan or rotation, and his lone season in Sacramento is enough to put him over the top like Lincoln Hawk. After wooing the Maloofs with a PowerPoint slideshow (hey, I’m good at those, too!), Muss was arrested for a DUI in the preseason and never gained the players’ trust. He’s responsible for the Kings’ downfall after leading Sacramento to its worst season in nine years, and plus he’s somehow dating the lovely Danyelle Sargent — come on!

Dishonorable Mention:

*M.L. Carr (48-116, .293):  C’s tanked to get Duncan
*Randy Wittman (100-207, .326): His GM helped…
*Brian Winters (36-148, .196): coached expansion Vancouver
*Don Chaney (100-166, .376)
*John Calipari (72-112, .391):
*Mike Dunleavy (437-486, .473):  I dont want to step on Bill Simmons territory…

The NBA season is almost halfway over, but it’s never too late to revisit team slogans for 2008/09 (and no, we had no idea they had these either). As you’ll see below, most of them lack originality (shocker!), and go with something bland like, “Watch Us Play,” “On the Ball,” or best of all, “None.”  To help fix this problem, we’ve either added one of our own or a quick thought about the current slogan for each team. If you have any ideas of your own, feel free to add them in the comments.

Atlanta Hawks: Atlanta Hawks Basketball – Now You Know Huh…and all this time I thought I was watching the Falcons.

Boston Celtics: 17 Time World Champions I believe the actual slogan is “17-Time World Fucking Champions!”

Charlotte Bobcats: Play the Right Way That’s what she said!

Chicago Bulls: Love It Live! Where Vinny-ing Happens!

Cleveland Cavaliers: Get Pumped! Because he’s still ours until 2010!

Dallas Mavericks: Rowdy Proud and Loud Shh…just not when the SEC is around…

Denver Nuggets: Can You Feel It?  Feel what exactly? Melo’s bitch slap?

Detroit Pistons: We Work As One You mean the royal ‘we,’ right?”  — Allen Iverson

Golden State Warriors: N/A Moped-al to the Metal!

Houston Rockets: Get Red Whoops, that’s a typo. It should’ve read: “Get Injured.”

Indiana Pacers: Passion. Pride. Pacers. …Punches.

Los Angeles Clippers: Play Loud Home of That “Malcolm in the Middle” Kid (and Billy Crystal, but We’d Rather Not Talk About That)

Los Angels Lakers: None Where Our Ticket Prices Won’t be the Only Things to Rape You!

Memphis Grizzlies: Young & Hungry Commemorating the Bryant Reeves era…

Miami Heat: Something2Prove Why not go all out with “2Legit2Quit?”

Milwaukee Bucks: Ready To Rise Dear Asian population of Milwaukee: Yes, we traded Yi, but we still sorta have a Chinese guy in Joe Alexander! Hey…where are — don’t leave!

Minnesota Timberwolves: See What They Can Do Lose 40 games before the All-Star break?

New Jersey Nets: More Than A Game Jayson Williams’ chauffeur found out the hard way…

New Orleans Hornets: Passion. Purpose. Pride. You know, if they didn’t have a purpose, I’d swear they’re just jacking the Pacers’ slogan…

New York Knicks: None Yep, no arguments here…

Oklahoma City Thunder: N/A Hey, look over there, Seattle! *moving vans drive off*

Orlando Magic: 20 FAN-tastic Seasons Robert Deniro and Wesley Snipes will be on hand for every home game.

Philadelphia 76ers: Run With Us Yeah, we’re not that good, but the Phillies already won you a title, so ease up on the booing, okay?

Phoenix Suns: N/A Where Defense Is Optional Since 2002.

Portland Trail Blazers: Rise With Us Or what? You’ll sue me? Oh…okay then.

Sacramento Kings: None Because You Have Nothing Better To Do in Cow-town..

San Antonio Spurs: Come Together Nothing says our team isn’t old and boring like a song from1969.

Toronto Raptors: My Game Is Raptors Basketball It’s not like the Maple Leafs are any better, eh?

Utah Jazz Life Off. Game On. …but no home games on Sundays.

Washington Wizards: Washington Wizards…Character. Commitment. Connection. What are three words that have never been associated with Andray Blatche?

A logo is supposed to define a team and represent its best qualities.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like most NBA franchises ever received that memo. Why go with any semblance of creativity when you can opt for generic and unoriginal?  The better question might be, why fix it when it ain’t broke? If the throwback fad has taught us anything, it’s that old-school jerseys rocked…but not always.  Here’s a look back at the worst logo decisions in league history.

Detroit Pistons (1996-2001):  For some inexplicable reason, the Pistons ditched the classic blue uniforms and went with a hideous teal color scheme, changing the original logo into what appears to be red basketball giving birth to a flaming horse head. Apparently, it was supposed to represent “horsepower,” to keep with the whole “pistons” car theme. Ugh…a carburetor would’ve been better . Not coincidentally, once the team went back to an “updated” version of the original blue-and-red basketball in 2001, they soon won a title…probably because the players were no longer embarrassed to step out of the locker room.

Washington Wizards (1997-): Okay, so Bullets wasn’t a great name for a team playing in one of the most crime-infested cities in the country…but the Wizards? That’s the best they could do? Nothings screams intimidation like a children’s cartoon character and “I love gooooooold” alternate jerseys.  The other names in the mix were apparently the Dragons, Express, Cauliflower, Stallions, and Sea Dogs — I only made up one of those. By the way, if Washington had chosen ‘Stallions,’ I would’ve been a fan for life, just for the “Rocky” connotations. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, then all terrible logos and team names can change!

Toronto Raptors: Toronto has kept the same logo since entering the NBA in 1995, and it’s a damn shame. I guess the creators were trying to capitalize on the success of “Jurassic Park,” since I can’t think of any other connection between Canada and dinosaurs (well, aside from Oliver Miller). Not to mention, the creepy red raptor is wearing a jersey with a capital ‘R’ on the front, just in case you forget which team you were rooting for, and sneakers that thoughtfully leave enough room for two claws to stick out in the front. In fairness, I always thought this alternate logo was kinda cool, but of course, that hasn’t been around since 1998.

Denver Nuggets (1982-1993): It’s supposed to be the Denver skyline across a colorful pattern, but it looks more like a couple of grazing camels to me. Are those supposed to be Lego bricks? Stacks of Tetris blocks? The makers were either on a crazy acid trip or…no, there’s no other possible explanation.

Atlanta Hawks (1995-): I don’t consider the new “bluer” Hawk to be any different than the old one, and it loses extra points for reminding me of those awful “they turned blue!” Coors commercials. Anyways, the old-school logo is probably the most incredible and absurd logo in all of sports. I didn’t even realize it was a hawk outlined by a red circle until a few years ago. Did the makers realize that it looks like Pac-Man eating a pac-dot, or was that done on purpose? Either way, it’s infinitely more creative that some angry bird clutching a child-drawn basketball in its claws.

Oklahoma City Thunder: If the only other choices for the team name were Marshalls, Energy, Wind, Baron, or Bison, I would’ve just gone with the latter and used a picture of  (the late)? Mr. Dele as the logo…but alas. To make matters worse, the Thunder decided that their logo needs to look like the illegitimate bastard child of the New Jersey Nets and New York Liberty.  What the hell does it have to do with thunder?  Shouldn’t there be a lightning bolt in there somewhere?  Or maybe a Storm, just to stick to Seattle even more?

Golden State Warriors (1997-): The only good thing stemming from the OKC Thunder was supposed to be the demise of the Warriors “Thunder” mascot and logo.  What kind of franchise puts their spandex-covered mascot in the logo anyway?  But instead of going back to the classic city logo from the Run-TMC days, the Warriors have changed just about nothing.  Okay, so they use the alternate logo a little more now…which still has a freaking thunderbolt going through a capital ‘W.’  How does this make sense?

Cleveland Cavaliers (1995-2003): Let your imagination go wild, Cleveland!  I’m pretty sure this logo was created using only Clip Art images and a Microsoft Works textbox.  It’s a basketball going through a net in black box, with a streaking blue line that looks like someone screwed up with a highlighter.  And just in case the capital CAVS font wasn’t awkward enough, the thin black lines going through the center give it that special touch.  Cleveland wore these uniforms until 2003 — think about that for a second.

Milwaukee Bucks: I don’t think Milwaukee has ever gotten it quite right. The original logo looks like a female reindeer dressed in an ugly Christmas sweater, but at least it has that ‘classic’ look. The new logo, which was introduced in 1993, isn’t all bad, except for one thing — those creepy purple eyes!   But of course, Milwaukee couldn’t live without the Christmas theme for long, so they introduced a green and red color scheme in 2006, but thankfully changed the deer’s eye color….just don’t bring back those alternate ‘roadkill‘ jerseys, please.

Sacramento Kings (1986-1994):  I guess it’s supposed to be some kind of badge, or maybe the bottom of a blue basketball with a red crown on top of it.  It’s amazing that the franchise used the exact same horrid logo for almost 25 years, even back when the team was known as the Cincinnati Royals.  Although I still don’t understand where the light-blue jerseys with the player names written underneath the numbers came from, since that was never even one of the team’s primary colors.  Let’s just pray we’ll never see that monstrosity again.

Dishonorable Mention:

*Houston Rockets:  Anything is better than the cartoon spaceman/shark or the bleeding R.

*Miami Heat: Ooh, it’s a burning ball going through a hoop! Um…didn’t the Phoenix Suns kinda have that idea back in the ’60’s?

*This Timberwolves jersey, which thankfully turned out to be some kind of prototype.  The new logo isn’t all that bad, though I still wish they’d go back to the original Wolf from the NBA Jam days.

*Every team that “tweaks” its logo and uniform every few seasons just to sell more merchandise.

It’s hard to believe that Kevin McHale lasted 13 seasons as the Minnesota Timberwolves’ Vice President of Basketball Operations.  Often regarded as the NBA’s worst GM this side of Isiah Thomas, he made countless terrible decisions that cost his team dearly (most notably perhaps, the infamous Joe Smith fiasco).  But we here at lowposts.com don’t kick people when they’re down — and after all, he was named the best general manager in all of sports by Forbes last season.  In honor of McHale’s firing — excuse me, “stepping down” — let’s take a look at the worst moves of his era…by other GMs.  Part I will focus on trades, and subsequent parts will explore free agent signings and draft picks.

1. Dallas Mavericks trade the draft rights to Robert “Tractor” Traylor to the Milwaukee Bucks for the rights to Dirk Nowitzki and the rights to Pat Garrity.

Yeah…that sure worked out well for the Bucks. Dirk went on to become a perennial All-Star and the first European MVP award winner, while Traylor would lead the league in Big Macs chomped per minute and tax evasion schemes. It should also be noted that the Mavs immidiately flipped the rights to Garrity — along with Martin Muursepp, Bubba Wells, and a future first round draft pick — to the Suns for Steve Nash. As horrible as that looks on paper, Phoenix made out better than exepected. The Suns selected Shawn Marion with the pick, and later brought a supposedly over-the-hill Nash back to the desert for his two MVP seasons.

2. Toronto Raptors trade Vince Carter to the New Jersey Nets for Eric Williams, Aaron Williams, Alonzo Mourning and two 1st round draft picks.

Since Alonzo “Phantom Raptor” Mourning refused to even make the trip to Canada, Toronto gave away Carter for just about nothing…unless you count Joey Graham, who was selected with one of those acquired draft picks (the other one was traded to New York). Sure, Carter wanted out and made his displeasure very obvious, but couldn’t the Raptors get a little more for a perennial All-Star? Like, I don’t know, some home-cooked food and clean drawers?

3. Chicago Bulls trade Eddy Curry and Antonio Davis to the New York Knicks for Tim Thomas, Michael Sweetney, Jermaine Jackson, and two future first round picks.

Let’s see — one the one hand, we have a one-dimensional, overpriced, overweight player who can’t grab a rebound and has a career-threatening heart condition. One the other, we have Tim Thomas, who played three games for the Bulls, and Jermaine Jackson who was cut. At least those draft picks didn’t amount to anything worthwhile — just LaMarcus Aldridge(#2 in 2006) and Joakim Noah (#9 in 2007). Impressive fleece job by Zeke, no?

4. Washington Wizards trade Kwame Brown and Laron Profit to the Los Angeles Lakers for Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins.

Remember that this trade comes on the heels of the widely-criticized Shaquille O’Neal trade, in which the Lakers acquired Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant, and a first round pick for the big man.  Yet, while Shaq led Miami to a title in his second season, his skills sharply declined and he would be later moved for Shawn Marion; plus, that draft pick was used on the promising Jordan Farmar.  But Kwame for Caron Butler? The Lakers really wish they could have a mulligan on that one, since “Birthday Cake” Brown would shockingly fail to impress Phil Jackson with his toughness, while Butler blossomed into one of the top forwards in the league with the Wiz.

5.  Charlotte Hornets trade the draft rights to Kobe Bryant to the Los Angeles Lakers for Vlade Divac.

At the end of the day, it’s a bad trade when you consider that Kobe would become one of the best players in the world and team up with Shaq to win three championships in Los Angeles. But if you’re wondering why this deal isn’t ranked higher, let’s remember a few key components. Kobe was expected to be a top-five pick, until he refused to workout for any teams except the Knicks and Lakers.  He even insisted that he’d play in Europe if another team were to take him — he’s grown so much since those days.   The Hornets selected him at number 13 overall, and ended up with an All-Star caliber center in Divac, who helped Charlotte reach the postseason in both of his seasons on the team.   Oh, and isn’t it fun to watch Kobe squirm uncomfortably in his Hornets cap on draft night?

6.  New Orleans Hornets send Baron Davis to the Golden State Warriors for Speedy Claxton and Dale Davis.

Read those names again, and please tell me what the Hornets were thinking here.  It’s not like Davis was an All-Star and All-NBA team member or anything (what, you mean, he was???).  Okay, so he missed a few games games and didn’t get along with Byron Scott, but that’s the best they could do?  Not-so-speedy Claxton would play 87 games over two seasons, and 35-year-old Dale Davis contributed a whopping 3.1 points in just 35 appearances.  Baron Davis, meanwhile, helped revitalize a struggling Warriors franchise, shattered Andrei Kirilenko’s confidence, and brought more of the beautiful Ms. Alba into our lives.

7.  Houston Rockets trade Richard Jefferson, Jason Collins, and Brandon Armstrong to the New Jersey Nets for Eddie Griffin.

A lot of critics felt the Nets were making a huge mistake by trading Griffin, who appeared to have an unprecedented skillset.  And yet, Jefferson and Collins were starters on back-to-back Nets Finals teams, while Griffin (RIP) never came close to realizing his full potential…well, except for that time in his SUV.

8. Washington Wizards trade Chris Webber to the Sacramento Kings for Mitch Richmond and Otis Thorpe.

The Wizards took a huge step backwards by dealing Webber in his prime for Richmond, who was entering the downside for his career.  Although Webber missed a lot of games with a dislocated shoulder, and had off the court troubles with the law in DC, he would transform the laughing stock Kings into an instant title contender.  The Wizards, captained by Richmond, Rod Strickland, and Juwan Howard, would fail to win more than 29 games in three seasons, before Michael Jordan mercifully relinquished his title of Director of Basketball Operations and destroyed his knees on the court.

9. Memphis Grizzlies trade Pau Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers for Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittendon, Marc Gasol, Aaron McKie’s corpse, and two future 1st round draft picks (2008 and 2010).

Call me crazy, but I don’t think this trade is as bad as everyone has made it out to be.  Yes, the Grizz could’ve gotten more, and Pau channeled his inner Vince Carter and started trying again in Los Angeles.  But the Grizzlies didn’t win a single playoff game during the Gasol era, and decided to rebuild: Brown’s expiring contract came off the books, Marc Gasol has played very well in his first season, and the 2008 pick turned out to be Donte Greene, who was shipped to the Rockets for Darrell Arthur and a 2009 second-rounder.  Plus, they have another 1st rounder next season.  Wait, did I just compliment Chris Wallace??

10. Minnesota Timberwolves trade Sam Cassell and a future first round draft pick for Marko Jaric

I know, I said no McHale trades, but come on! He made this deal right after the Wolves finally broke through and reached the Western Conference Finals, and then signed Jaric to a cap-killing five-year, $37 million extension. Plus, he refused to feed Latrell Sprewell’s family!

Dishonorable Mention:

*Detroit Pistons trade Grant Hill to the Orlando Magic for Ben Wallace and Chucky Atkins.

*Atlanta Hawks trade Rasheed Wallace to the Detroit Pistons for Bob Sura, Zeljko Rebraca, and a lottery-protected first round pick (Mil).

*Boston Celtics trade Joe Johnson, Randy Brown, Milt Palacio and a first round pick to the Phoenix Suns for Rodney Rodgers and Tony Delk.

"I was born to be an American TV star!"

Can it be true?  The Maloofs are considering making a Sacramento Kings televised reality series with Mark Burnett, the creator of hit shows such as “The Survivor” and “The Apprentice.” I haven’t been this excited since Woody Allen became my hero — er, I mean Mitch Richmond won All-Star Game MVP.  Why, you ask?  Well, let’s see…

*Listing Shelden Williams’ name in the final credits will secure the team’s first W in the closing seconds.

*Kings fans can always blame Vlade Divac if the show flops.

*We can finally see footage of those priceless locker room conversations between a blazed Brad Miller and Kings rookie Bobby Brown:

“Dude! Did you, like, bring Whitney with you?”
“Nah, Brad. It’s not funny anymore. For the last time, I’m not that Bobby Brown!”
“Pssshht — stop playing, son!  [Starts singing off-key] AND IIIIIIIII EEEEE IIIIIIIIII EEEEE IIIIII will always love YOOOUUUUUUUU…”

Brown rolls his eyes and walks away in disgust. [End scene]

*Cameos from those naughty Kings cheerleaders (here’s the NSFW version)…

*It’s the Tribal Council’s best chance to vote Kenny Thomas’ cap-killing contract off the island…

*They already have a catchy theme song:

*The Maloofs’ company also produces the E! reality show “Living Lohan” — just three more years, and Ali can be all yours, Beno!

*Rumor has it that Spencer Hawes‘ Michael Phelps imitation is uncanny…

*I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I only wish the Kings still had Ron Artest…happy four-year anniversary!

I will never forgive you for this, Brad.

Golden State Warriors: Serious question — who would you rather encounter in a dark alley: Marlo Stanfield or Stephen Jackson?

Los Angeles Clippers: Replacing Elton Brand with Marcus Camby is like replacing Michael Keaton with George Clooney — epic fail.

Los Angeles Lakers: Reason #3,547 why you should hate Kobe Bryant…

Phoenix Suns: Hiring a defensive-minded coach (Terry Porter) for an aging team that couldn’t guard a fat man in a phone booth — or Eddy Curry, for that matter — makes perfect sense.

Sacramento Kings: It’s only a matter of time before Candace Parker storms into Coach Theus’ office and demands that her Shelden get equal playing time with the rest of the boys.

Next: Southwest Division

We like to think that our basketball heroes are infinitely more talented than average human being and live like kings.  As kids, we thought these guys were simply invincible.  Unfortunately – or maybe fortunately, depending on how you look at it — NBA life comes with highs and lows, and even the best players in the world are susceptible to embarrassment.  Just ask Carmelo Anthony.  On the left, Melo “That Ain’t Right’s” The Junkyard Dog and life is good.  But over here, he gets kneed in the groin by Yao, or as my girl Candice (um, not that one) called it, “a shock to the baby maker.”  Without further adieu, I present to you, a few recent instances of NBA stars — though I use this term rather loosely – getting done dirty on the court.

Beno Udrih must’ve been studying Tim Hardaway’s killer crossover tapes.   It took one awesome spin move to shatter Kobe’s ankles and win over the hearts of Kings fans everywhere.  That’s our point guard, man!

Udrih after the game  (via SacBee): “It was fun, but I didn’t see it because I spun off him and he was behind me. I heard the reaction from the fans and our bench, so I didn’t know he fell down.”  Major props to Beno — I would’ve laughed hysterically in Kobe’s face.

While I’m at it, more of Kobe looking like a damn fool:

“Too Hard to Guard ” lives up to his moniker and makes former Defensive Player of the Year, the always entertaining Ron Artest, resort to grabbing the dude’s jersey to stop him.

This has been posted in a few places, most notably by Henry Abbott on TrueHoop and Skeets, but it still amazes me.  A random white dude in jeans and a Mr. Rogers sweater — okay, so he’s apparently a London streetball legend — embarrasses the Nets’ Devin Harris to the extreme.  This shouldn’t happen to an NBA player, I don’t care what Devin’s excuse is or who the opponent might be.  My favorite part is what the guy does at the end…maybe I’m the only one who found that funny:

A 7′6″ center getting blocked by a 5′9″ guard?  Remember the lows I was talking about?  Well, here’s Yao’s, courtesy of Nate Robinson, who is currently the shortest player in the league:

Travis Outlaw posterizes Rodney Carney….that just about says it all (courtesy of our resident Blazers fanatic, FEAST):

Personally, I’m partial to Ricky Davis abusing Steve Nash. He also gets a little excited about the jam, which only adds to its greatness:

And just for good measure, here is quite possibly my favorite YouTube video of all time — “SportsCenter’s Top 10 Dunks On Shawn Bradley.”  I could watch this all day…great background music, too:

Honorable mention:  The Vince Carter Dunk — incredible, but a tad overplayed…