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Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, instead of the usual exploration into the loosey-goosey underworld of secret societies and cryptozoology; we’re going to go the ESPN route and do a basketball mock draft.

But this ain’t yo daddy’s mock draft! We’re gonna mock draft the conspiracy theories and find out who’s the top dog in the world of mystery!

(more…)

In the weeks leading up to the 2009 NBA Draft, Lowposts’ resident Draftologistician will be looking at NBA Drafts of the past and how they got all screwed up..

Today:  The 1993 NBA Draft.. (more…)

Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.

Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about aliens! (more…)

I’ve made an executive decision to begin limiting the number of Ryan/Shaughnessy Lowposts slam-fests to one per week, as there’s going to be an assload during the playoffs (at least for the next week..) and I don’t want this site turning into a funnier (negligible) version of CelticsHub. (CelticsBlog is better, anyway..)

(The rest of the Celtics columns and any non-basketball columns still getting lampooned on ethanbooker.com. Ethanbooker.com: Feel the power.)

But I could just not resist today’s post on Bob Ryan’s “blog.” Bob Ryan’s blog “And Another Thing…” nestles right next to his column archive, and his blog posts are basically just shorter columns. And honestly, a lot of the posts are better than his columns of late; which is really saying nothing at all.

To the satire! (more…)

(Wizards Coach Flip Saunders meets with his new team in late-August training camp..)

Saunders: Alright fellas, I ain’t gonna pussyfoot around here. I am not a very good basketball coach.

Jamison: Uh… (more…)

(Following an afternoon practice before Game Six of the 2003 first round series between the Bucks & Nets - Anthony Mason’s final professional basketball game..)

Mason: Damn, I’m feelin’ melancholic!

Redd: Why’s that, Mr. Mason?

Mason: I think this might be my last game as a professional NBA basketball player tonight!

Redd: Oh…c’mon, you’re still…you’re not that old!

Mason: (shakes his head)  Nah, I think this might be it for me. I don’t wanna turn out like The Glove. I mean look at him, he’s already losin’ it.

Payton: (talking to himself in the corner of the locker room) I like to e-nunc-i-ate my werds! EE-NUNCE-EE-EIGHT! (more…)

We’ve previously looked at one side of the unique connection between rap and basketball — NBA players who’ve tried to (unsuccessfully) release rap albums.   A much more common phenomenon in today’s hip-hop/hoops era finds rappers mentioning basketball players in their lyrics.  In fact, it’s almost impossible to listen to a rap album and not hear a musician compare himself or his counterparts to his favorite players, usually with something lame like, “I’m number one like Tracy McGrady.”  There were probably more clichéd references to Shaq missing free throws in the mid-’90’s than, well, the actual number of missed free throws by the big man.  While Michael Jordan, LeBron James, and Allen Iverson, to name a few, have been name-dropped hundreds of times (according to Slam, Jordan has been acknowledged over 150 times himself), here are some of the more original and memorable rap lyrics that mention NBA stars.

Clyde, Rick Barry, and Pistol Pete,
Now these players, could never be beat,
Isiah, and Iceman too,
Just give ‘em the ball, and then you talk up too,
Dantley and Wilkins are on the scene,
And Ralph Sampson is really mean,
Bill Russell didn’t take no junk,
And Darryl Dawkins got a monster dunk

– Kurtis Blow “Basketball” (1984)

A hip-hop pioneer and a knowledgeable NBA fan, Kurtis Blow referred to dozens of other NBA superstars such as Julius Erving, Wilt Chamberlain, and Magic Johnson in his hit single. While the lyrics and video are badly outdated — not to mention that Blow is a dead-ringer for Dave Chappelle’s Prince — the song was monumental in establishing an early connection between rap and basketball. It’s since been used in commercials, including the Lil’ Penny ads, and was unfortunately remade by Lil’ Bow Wow in 2002 . Let’s just pretend that never happened.

Max mostly, undivided, then slide in, sickenin’
Guaranteed, made em jump like Rod Strickland

– Wu-Tang Clan “Triumph” (1997)

I have no idea why rappers love Strickland so much. Not only is he also mentioned on “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing Ta F’ With,” but his name appears on Pharoahe Monch’s “Official,” (”I walk the earth with my Rod in this Strick-land”), DMX’s “Sincerity” (”straight to the hole, like Rod Strickland”), and Method Man’s “Evil Streets” (”then the plot thickens, on point like Rod Strickland”). Is it just because his name is so easy to rhyme?  It’s too bad that Strick’s propensity to puke hot dogs during Wizards games (I actually saw this live once) never made it into a song.

“Who slam harder? Onyx or Vince Carter? (ONYX!)” – Onyx, “Slam Harder” (2002)

Carter’s name is found on countless rap songs, including the chorus of this commercial single. The funny thing is that by 2002, Vince wasn’t really slamming anymore, sitting out with a knee injury and eventually declaring that he “[didn't] want to dunk anymore.” “Slam Harder” was supposed to be Onyx’s comeback anthem, a follow-up to their 1993 hit “Slam,” but never translated into good album sales. The lesson here, as Raptors fans will be quick to tell you, is don’t rely on Vince Carter for anything.

Worry, I’m not Mike Jordan, of the mic recordin’
Hovi, baby, you Kobe, maybe Tracy McGrady
Matter fact, you Harold Miner, J.R. Rider, washed up on marijuana
Even worse you a Pervis Ellis, you worthless, fella
You ain’t no athlete, you Shawn Bradley

– Jay-Z “Pump It Up [Remix]” (2003)

Jay-Z is no stranger to NBA similes, foreshadowing his own comeback on “Encore,” (”come back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5“), and likening his competitors to Sam Bowie on “Hola Hovito.”  His verse on the remix of Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up” prompted rumors of a feud between the two rappers. If Jay-Z was really battling Budden, himself no stranger to “NBA” allusions, then throwing in four of the biggest busts in league history (including, quite fittingly, Baby Jordan) in a four-bar span was a knock-out punch.

During last season’s playoffs, a war of words between DeShawn Stevenson and LeBron James, who compared the Wizards guard to rapper Soulja Boy, led Jay-Z back in the booth.  The part owner of the New Jersey Nets recorded a Stevenson diss track, “Blow the Whistle,” and is currently working on a new record for LeBron, “To Live and Die in NJ,” to be released in the summer of 2010.

And y’all scared, I can tell / that Im’a get Bucks like Milwaukee, cause like Sam, I Cassell.  – Jadakiss, Put Ya Hands Up (2001)

It’s interesting to hear Cassell’s name pop up so often, since like Strickland, he was never a star player. He’s renowned for being clutch and looking like an alien, both of which are prominently covered by rappers: Drag-On (”And keep a guard wit ya that shoot, like Sam Cassell”); Cassidy (”And if I don’t sell, and plans should fail, man it’d get ugly like Sam Cassell”); and Redman (”Call me the Sam Cassell, shots two minute on the clock, cops know the SL handle well”). I only have one request — can someone make a testicle dance video before Sam retires?

“I’m just Kidd-in’ like Jason.” — Nelly, “Hot in Herre” (2002)

Nelly made a quick (and not particularly witty) play on words using Jason Kidd’s name on his biggest hit. Seriously though, Nelly, is that the best you could do, considering all we know about the husband of the year? How about, “I spit rhymes like J-Kidd spits french fries?” Yeah, this is probably why I’m not a rapper.

Quick Hits:

Snoop Dogg, Hoop Dreams (1999): Snoop imagines playing point guard for the Lakers and even makes a couple of transactions: “And we traded for a few players, some Pacers, Miller and Mullin, and now they Lakers.” Maybe the Clippers should consider hiring him instead of Isiah for that executive position?

Jay-Z, “La, La, La (Excuse Me Again)” (2004): “And I’m the Franchise like the Houston Rockets…” Just imagine Steve Francis’ excitement here, right before Jay finishes the line with, “…Yao Ming!”  Burn!

Wu-Tang Clan, “Starter” (2007):  “You’s starter, like Candace Parker, take flight like Skywalker, might wolf it on ya father.”  The whole first verse is about Candace Parker, and believe me, it only gets worse from here.

Wu-Tang Clan, “Soul in the Hole” (1999): “Sore losers take off they jersey, cause they ain’t James Worthy.”

Public Enemy, “Rebel Without a Pause” (1988): “I’ll throw it down your throat like Barkley.”

The Roots, “Ain’t Sayin’ Nothing New” (1999):  “I just back-slap that ass like Shaq did Ostertag.”

Nas, “These Are Our Heroes” (2004): “From OJ to Kobe, uh let’s call him Tobe … Yo, you can’t do better than that? The hotel clerk who adjusts the bathroom mat?”

Nelly Furtado: “Promiscuous,” (2006): “Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?”  It’s not rap, but it features and is produced by Timbaland.

Gnarls Barkley: the group name; Cee-Lo was a rapper in his former life.

Styles P, “Good Times (I Get High)” (2005): No rap references in the lyrics, but, um, is that Jalen Rose DJing at the 2:41 and 3:06 marks??

The only rapper who’s come close to playing in the NBA is Percy “Master P” Miller — hard as it is to believe now — who was on the preseason rosters of the Charlotte Hornets in 1998 and the Toronto Raptors in 1999.  Although he never appeared in a regular season game, he put out a mixtape in honor of his achivements.  Maybe one day, his son, Lil’ Romeo, a rap artist in his early teens who currently plays for USC will become the first true rapper-turned-baller. (Checks Romeo Miller’s stats).  Maybe not.

A Cassell-Villanueva production…

When I first started following the NBA as a kid in the early ’90s, I never paid much attention to how the players looked.  But that all changed when I came across a 1991 Upper Deck basketball card of Manute Bol.  I couldn’t believe my eyes, and had to convince myself that it was some kind of optical illusion.  But of course, the man really was 7′7″ tall and downright frightening.  While I’ve never since seen another player who scared me quite as much, the NBA has certainly had its share of ugliness.  If you’ve followed the league for the last decade, then you should already have a few names lined up in your head.  Let’s do a quick recap of the original kings of ugly.

Tyrone "Skeletor" Hill

Sam "E.T." Cassell

Popeye "Sloth" Jones

Gheorge Michael Muresan

Nick "Baby Frog" Van Exel

Chris "Murderer" Kaman

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s take a look at a few other players who may have wrongly slipped under the radar, but definitely belong in the conversation. Now, I can insult these guys, and say that Ha Seung-Jin looks like a cracked-out Kyle Korver, but I’m not here to do that. After all, they say a picture is worth a thousands words…so you’ll probably need a thesaurus.

Michael Ruffin

Jake Tsakalidis

Keith Closs

Ha Seung-Jin

Keon Clark

Mengke Bateer

And finally, here’s the moment you’ve been waiting for — the unveiling of the current NBA All-Ugly Team, with captains Kaman and Cassell:

DJ Mbenga

Luis Scola

Steve Nash

Tyronn Lue

Calvin "Braces??" Booth

Marquis Daniels

Greg Oden

Kendrick Perkins

Tayshaun Prince

Dishonorable Mention:

*Shelden Williams: He’s taken enough abuse on this blog.
*Brevin Knight: Maybe it’s just me, but doesn’t he look very creepy at times?
*Charlie Villanueva: Obviously…
*Andrei Kirilenko: I’ve always thought he looks like a 15-year-old girl.