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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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A few months back, we took a look at some of the NBA’s worst and funniest plays, from Derek Harper dribbling out the clock in a tie game to Ricky Davis’ selfless attempt at recording a triple-double.  Here are a few additional moments that’ll make you scratch your head and marvel at the goofs you just saw.  Let’s just call these, ”where the anti-amazing happens.”

Eddie Jones Needs Glasses:  Uh, what just happened here?  Okay, so Jones and Bobby Jackson were teammates on the Grizzlies back in 2005/06, and Jones played for the Hornets nearly a decade earlier, but can either of those facts really explain why he’d inbound the ball to the opposing team and give away an easy layup?  Anytime you can outdo Lamar Odom, you’re entering the pantheon of bonehead plays.

Adonal Foyle is Just A Bit Outside: Yep, that’s what $42 million gets you. As the announcer informs us, it’s not as bad as it looks since he was trying to bank it off the backboard…which he missed entirely by about 10 feet. But on the bright side, he totally shook Robert Swift with that mean jab step.

Donyell Marshall Channels Janet Jackson: Marco Jaric, you’re off the hook — Marshall is the new king of the NBA wardrobe malfunction after he attempted to enter into a game without his jersey and earned a delay of game penalty.  This was his 14th season in the league.  Let’s just be thankful that Marshall was wearing an undershirt and spared us the moobs.

Jordan Shoulda Stayed Retired: Sure, everyone from Kobe to LeBron has missed a breakaway dunk in a packed arena.  You just wouldn’t expect it from the greatest of all time when he’s pushing 40 on busted knees against players nearly half his age.  Wait, you mean, you would?  We’ll always have the Chicago memories, Mike.  Ironically enough, the man who upstaged him is having a few problems of his own…

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Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.

Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.

Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.

Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.

Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.

Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).

Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)

Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.

Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.

Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.

Quick Misses:

*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.

*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.

*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.

*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.

*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.

Fifty-eight days since the last Dan Shaughnessy basketball column. He hasn’t written since Game 1 of the Chicago series when he proclaimed the Boston Celtics season officially over.

Fifty-eight days! 58! Did he fall in a well?

This week, Dan congratulates Lakers fans in the classiest way he knows how. By shitting on their parade.

Even the most diehard of Celtics fans begrudgingly gave Lakers fans their due respect. Not ‘Ol Danny Boy, though!

To the FJM/BDD plagiarism! (more…)

(The ‘96 Warriors are preparing for the final minutes of a surprisingly close game against the Bulls..)

Adelman: Ok guys, these Bulls have given us a lot of trouble in the past.

Hardaway: Probably ’cause they’re queer!

Seikaly: Stop it, Tim! (slaps Hardaway) (more…)

Once the offseason begins in a few months, basketball headlines will be dominated by news of NBA players being lured by big money in Europe.  While it still seems unlikely that superstars in their prime such as LeBron James or Kobe Bryant would seriously consider playing overseas, many key players such as Josh Childress, who averaged 10 points and 5 rebounds in 15 games for Olympiacos this season, have jumped over to the Euroleague.  The common perception has been that even unspectacular and over the hill NBA players would dominate the inferior competition.   Part I will take a look at how a few stars, as well as a couple of busts, have fared in Europe after playing in the NBA.  Part II will focus on European players who’ve come over to the US.

Dominique Wilkins: It was all Greek to ‘Nique when he signed with Panathinaikos in 1995 at the age of 35. He was named the Final Four MVP after putting  up 21 points and 7 rebounds per game and leading the team to its first European Championship.  Wilkins returned to the NBA in 1996 and led San Antonio in scoring, though Spurs fans likely appreciate him more for the 20-62 record that allowed them to draft Tim Duncan.  Wilkins played in Italy in 1997, and at 39, finished his career with one non-Highlight season in Orlando.

Magic Johnson: After Magic retired from the Lakers for a second time in 1996, he bought and played for Magic M7, a team from the Swedish town of Borås (high-five!). Two seasons later, the 42-year-old bought a Denmark team, the Great Danes, and always the modest one, once again renamed it after himself. Johnson suited up for two games on the Magic Great Danes, averaging 9 points, 12 rebounds, 13 assists and 9 turnovers.  It doesn’t look like anyone was going for that ball-fake though.

Scottie Pippen: When Pippen failed to land with an NBA team in 2007 after a three-year retirement, he took his game to Finland at the age of 42. He averaged 11 points and 8 rebounds in two games for ToPo, going a Starks-esque two for 16 from behind the arc, and then put up 21 points, 12 rebounds, six assists in his final game for the Sundsvall Dragons. Pippen said his motivation was to “inspire young Scandinavians.”  I’m sure it had nothing to do with trying to avoid bankrupcy.

Bob McAdoo: A three-time scoring champ in his early years, McAdoo averaged less than 12 points per game over his final six injury-plagued NBA seasons. At the age of 35, he signed with Tracer Milan and went on to average over 25 points and 8 rebounds per game, winning two league titles in six seasons.  When he retired in 1992 at the age of 41, McAdoo worked as the basketball technical adviser (whatever that means) for the classic Kevin Bacon movie, “The Air Up There” (seriously).

Trajan Langdon: The most famous Alaskan athlete of all-time (sounds like an oxymoron), Langdon was drafted by the Cavs in 1999 and averaged five points per game on 41% shooting over three seasons . He’s since played in Italy, Turkey, and Russia, where he was named Euroleague Finals MVP in 2008. Langdon was cut by the Clippers in training camp in 2004, which pretty much sums up his chances of making an NBA comeback at the age of 31.

Anthony Parker: Parker was out of the NBA by 2000 after averaging just two points per game in three seasons with the 76ers and Magic. He signed with the Israeli club Maccabi Tel Aviv, where he led the team to numerous titles, including two Euroleague championships,and won two MVPs. He returned to the NBA in 2006 after a six-year absence, and has become one of the league’s best shooters with the Raptors. However, he’ll always have to live with the shame of not being able to beat his little sister in a game of one-on-one.

Bonzi Wells: Wells put up 12 points per game in 10 NBA seasons before signing a $40-thousand contract (you read that correctly) with a team in China. The 32-year-old quickly became a Chinese Basketball Association legend, averaging over 34 points in 14 games. However, ‘Banzai’ became an unfortunate victim of the Chinese Sports Illustrated cover jinx (yes, that’s a real magazine) when he failed to return to the team after the Chinese New Year and lost his roster spot to Tim Pickett.

Dennis Rodman: Where hasn’t the Worm been? And we’re just talking about basketball here. Rodman played three games for the UK Brighton Bears in 2006, one game for Pippen’s Finland team the following year, and two exhibition games in the Philippines in 2006. Not to mention, that since appearing in 12 games with the Mavericks in 2000, he’s had brief stints with three different ABA teams and was negotiating with another club as recently as last season at age 46 (!). In a completely unrelated story, he’s broke.

Quick Hits:

*Roy Tarpley: was twice banned from the NBA for cocaine and alcohol abuse, and put up solid numbers over seven years in Greece and Cyprus. He again filed for reinstatement in 2003, but was denied reentry. In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to list Vin Baker as his sponsor.

*Reggie Theus: spent one year in Italy in between 13 years in the NBA and four with the Deering Tornadoes.

*Kenny Anderson: was released by the Clippers and then the Zalgiris Kaunas (Lithuania) in successive seasons. I’m not sure which is the bigger insult.

*Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf: played in Russia, Italy, and Greece, and is currently in the Saudi Arabian league. Apparently none of those countries’ flags are symbols of oppression and tyranny.

*Eddie Johnson:  led Olympiakos to the Greek Championship in 1994/95, before playing four more years in the NBA and debating a name change, .

*Tom Chambers: played for Maccabi Tel Aviv during the 1995/96 season before returning to the NBA for two more years, and is um, currently planning a comeback at the age of 49.

*Byron Scott:  led Panathinaikos to a Euroleague title and won the Finals MVP award in 1997 after his final season in the NBA with the Lakers.  Then again, just about anything would’ve be better than playing with Kobe Bryant again.

*Darryl Dawkins: Chocolate Thunder barely drizzled in Italy for five years after retiring from the NBA in 1989. He later attempted two unsuccessful comebacks with the Nuggets in 1994 and the Celtics in 1995.

*Rolondo Blackman: won the Italian Champion with Stefanel Milano in 1996 after a short stint in Greece. Contrary to popular belief, he and Renaldo Balkman are two different people.

It’s rarity for an NBA player to spend his entire career with his original team. In fact, only 20 of the NBA’s 50 Greatest Players played for just one franchise (19 if you count Julius Erving’s ABA stint). Hell, nothing can be surprising if Michael Jordan can return to the United Center as a member of the Washington Wizards (both comebacks were examined here).  And yet, some images of star athletes clad in unfamiliar uniforms just seem wrong. Whether it’s a quest for an elusive championship ring, a quick layover, or simply not knowing when to walk away from the game, here are some recent examples of known NBA players suiting up in shockingly unnatural-looking uniforms.

Hakeem Olajuwon, Raptors: Olajuwon played 17 seasons with the Rockets — and 20 years overall in Houston, including his college career — before being traded to the Toronto Raptors for draft picks. He registered career lows in almost every category, averaging just 7 points and 6 rebounds in one forgettable season north of the border. Then again, he might be the only player in NBA history to willingly report to Canada after being traded (see: Alonzo Mourning, Kenny Anderson).

Patrick Ewing, Magic: The late ’90’s Knicks were looking to rebuild and the fans had started to turn against their once franchise center. Ewing himself requested a change of scenery after 15 years without a ring in New York, and was sent to Seattle in a four-team trade. The 36-year-old put up then career-lows in points (9.6) and rebounds (7.4) in one season as a Sonic. He finished his career as seldom-used reserve in Orlando — which I’m guessing has the best Gold Clubs — in an unrecognizable #6 Magic jersey.

Karl Malone, Lakers:  Malone spent his first 18 seasons in Utah, falling just short of a title in 1997 and 1998. Desperate for a championship ring, he signed with the Lakers in 2003.  After never missing more than two games in any prior season, the 40-year-old appeared in just 42 regular season games, and sat out the deciding fifth game of the Finals against the eventual-champion Pistons.  The only good thing from his Lakers stint is that I learned my best pickup moves from the Mailman, who couldn’t quite deliver with Kobe’s wife.

Alex English: Mavericks: English ripped the nets for 11 years in Denver, becoming the franchise leader in points (12th in NBA history), assists, games, and minutes.  After averaging 18 points per game in 1989/90, he was unceremoniously unsigned by the Nuggets and inked a one-year deal with Dallas.  English put up 10 points per gave as backup on an underachieving Mavs team led by Roy “The Snowman” Tarpley in his final season. But man, that rainbow Nuggets throwback still looks so sweet!

Dominique Wilkins, Magic: Wilkins put up over 23,000 points in a Hawks uniform, before being traded to the Clippers for Danny Manning. He then bounced around the globe, playing in Boston, Panathinaikos, San Antonio, and Italy, before finishing his career with his brother Gerald in Orlando. The two-time Slam Dunk champion put up just 5 points in 9 minutes per game with the Magic — more like the Human Lowlight Film, amirite? Useless fact: Wilkins and Ewing are Orlando’s only Hall of Fame inductees.

John Starks, Bulls: Best known for his days in New York — I don’t advise saying “2 for 18″ around any Knicks fans — Starks spent two seasons apiece with the Warriors and Jazz. But during the 1999/00 season, he played four games for the Chicago Bulls, the team he used to battle in epic playoff series during the mid-90’s, and the victims of his career-defining play, “The Dunk” (left). The sight of Starks in Chicago red was almost as unfathomable as Larry Bird in purple and gold…or Chris Tucker in Rush Hour 4.

Robert Parish, Bulls: Parish played 14 seasons and won three titles in Boston after four years with the Warriors. Unfortunately, he’s the definition of not knowing when to hang it up, playing riding the bench until the age of 43 just to get his name into the record books. Parish was a reserve in Charlotte for two years, and averaged just 4 points and 2 rebounds in his final season as a third-string center on the 1997 NBA champion Bulls. Parish finally retired after the season, announcing, “I think it’s time…to walk away.” Only three years too late, Chief.

Scottie Pippen, Rockets: Pippen will always be remembered as Jordan’s sidekick on the six-time champion  Bulls.  But after 11 seasons in Chicago, he was dealt to Houston for Roy Rogers (Jerry Krause is a roast beef man) and a future pick. He played 50 games for the Rockets in a lockout- shortened season, before getting traded to Portland (these parting shots at Charles Barkley imply it didn’t go so well). Pip was instrumental in the Blazers’ 2000 playoff collapse against the Lakers, perhaps because he saw old pal Toni Kokuc in the crowd.

Rasheed Wallace, Hawks: Remember Sheed’s rookie season with the Bullets — a fitting team name for the aspiring rapper — way back in 1995?  He was traded to Portland after one season, where he soon became king of Jailblazers and master of the technical foul. Before helping the Pistons win the title in 2004, Wallace played a single game for the Hawks, a 98-92 loss to the Nets. One thing’s for sure — both teams definitely didn’t play hard.

Mitch Richmond, Lakers: While it may not be as traitorous as Johnny Damon signing with the Yankees or Clay Bennett stealing the Sonics, Richmond, who spent seven All-Star seasons with the Sacramento Kings, signed a one-year deal with the Lakers in 2001 after three years in Washington. He settled for a reduced role in Los Angeles, and unlike Malone and Ewing, won a ring in his final season, even though it meant selling his soul to the devil and beating his former team in the process.

Honorable Mention:

*Chauncey Billups, Raptors:  His tattoo reminds him of 51 games in Boston.
*Tim Hardaway, Indiana Pacers and Denver Nuggets?
*Gary Payton, Bucks:  His first of four stops after 12 and half seasons in Seattle.
*Glen Rice, Los Angeles Clippers
*Christian Laettner, 1992 Dream Team: What was the selection committee thinking?
*Sean Elliott, Detroit Pistons
*Ben Wallace, Orlando Magic and bald on the Bullets!
*Dikembe Mutombo, New Jersey Nets
*Steve Smith, Charlotte Bobcats: Not sure if he punched any teammates in the face.
*Alonzo Mourning, New Jersey Nets
*Rod Strickland, Toronto Raptors
*Glenn Robinson, San Antonio Spurs
*Jay Williams, New Jersey Nets
*Jayson Williams, Prison Orange: Maybe one day…

A smile came across my face the other day, when I saw my favorite phrase in sports among the headlines — “planning an NBA comeback.” This time, it was Bryon “Don’t Call Me Byron” Russell — best-known for getting used and abused by Michael Jordan in the 1998 NBA Finals — claiming that he could still help a contender in limited minutes.  I’m not sure why, but I still get a little excited to hear a familiar name and “return” in the same sentence. The list of recent player comebacks is surprisingly limited, but many have given serious consideration to “scratching that itch” one last time.

Of course, the king of comebacks both on and off the court, Michael Jordan, has given us three retirement speeches. The first one came in 1993, when Jordan cited a loss of desire to play basketball — or as rumor has it, was suspended by the commissioner for gambling problems — and tried his hand at minor league baseball. His subsequent comeback in 1995 was certainly memorable. I’ll never forget the ‘I’m Back’ newspaper headlines, the “Sports Illustrated” issue that’s still sitting somewhere in my parents’ attic, and all of the red #45 jerseys in the hallways of my middle school. I stared at the TV wide-eyed, as a rusty Jordan dropped 55 points against the Knicks, and then donned the familiar #23 during the conference semi-finals against Orlando.   But by the time next season rolled around, when the Bulls were on their way to winning 72 games and Jordan was coasting to another scoring title, I suddenly remembered how much I hated MJ before he retired. As a Knicks fan, I couldn’t stand the thought of facing — and losing to — Chicago in the playoffs yet again.  A painful three-peat later, I happily watched the second retirement press conference, and was even more pleased for the invention of the cigar cutter.

My personal favorite comeback, and one that doesn’t get mentioned nearly as much as it should, was Magic Johnson’s return during the 1995/96 season.  Magic retired in 1991 after contracting HIV, and the most notable opponent of Magic’s failed comeback attempt in 1992/93, was of course, a championship-hungry Karl Malone (who played with Johnson on the Olympic team, mind you).  A few years later, Magic finally returned to the hardwood to help the struggling Lakers.  I remember everything about his first game back against the Warriors, from his crazy old-school ball fake in Joe Smith’s face, to wondering whether fat Magic could now fit into his own over-sized Lakers jersey hanging in the rafters.  It still amazes me that at 36,  after not playing competitive basketball for five years, he narrowly missed a triple double with 19 points, 8 rebounds, and 10 assists in 27 minutes.  He would finish the season with averages of 15 points, 6 rebounds, and 7 assists, leading the team to a 22-10 finish.  Unfortunately, his return caused tension among the young Lakers, and despite Pat Riley’s best efforts to convince him to sign with the Miami Heat (how crazy would that have been?), Magic retired for good after Los Angeles lost to Houston in the the playoffs.   He would, however, give us more joy than he could ever imagine on The Magic Hour.  Let’s all take this time to watch a mesmerizing clip of Howard Stern’s appearance on the show.

While Jordan’s first comeback was all but inevitable, the second one caught most people by surprise.  I never thought it would actually happen, but I still refreshed the ESPN homepage countless times, hoping to see those two magic words across the screen once again.   When he stepped on the court in 2001, I found myself feeling a little sorry for the greatest player of all-time.  While he had a few Jordan-like performances, seeing him linger up and down the court on 40-year-old knees and embarrass himself on the grand stage was like watching Al Pacino in “88 Minutes” or Joaquin Phoenix trying to rap. When he finally called it quits in 2003, I figured no former NBA star would risk the same fate after witnessing Jordan’s failures.

While that hasn’t exactly been the case, many comeback attempts have ended before they’ve had a chance to begin.  After Clyde Drexler was voted into the Hall of Fame in 2004, he contemplated coming back as a 42-year-old sixth man.  Scottie Pippen, 41, announced his intentions to return after a three-year hiatus during last season’s All-Star weekend.  Charles Oakley was reportedly serious about playing for the first time in four seasons at age 44 — I’m sure it was just a coincidence that he was writing a book at the time.  Dennis Rodman toiled in the ABA and overseas as recently as 2006, hoping to get a call-up from a desperate contender.  Even Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon wanted to get into the act last season at the age of 45.  Okay, so that last one isn’t real, but it fooled me for a second.   None of these players drew serious interest from NBA teams, probably because there’s only so much Centrum Silver and calcium supplements to go around; and in Scottie’s case, I don’t think anyone wants to see his bald head ever again.

It’s almost hard to believe that Shawn Kemp was 33 when he last played in the NBA in 2002/03, 50 pounds overweight and battling a well-publicized cocaine addiction. He came close to making a comeback in 2006, when the Mavericks agreed to give the slimmed-down Kemp a private workout, and then again in 2007, when the Denver Nuggets gave him serious consideration. I never understood why some team wouldn’t offer him a minimum contract to get more fans in attendance — and I don’t mean all of his children. Kemp ended up signing with an Italian team last summer, but was later cut after failing to arrive on time. At almost 40, it’s not likely we’ll ever see the Reign Man play basketball on TV again…unless it’s on Pros vs. Joes.

One 40-year-old who was heavily courted by NBA teams, Reggie Miller, wisely decided against coming out of his two-year retirement.  In 2000, the Suns convinced Kevin Johnson, who retired after the 1997/98 season, to return after Jason Kidd went down with an injury; Phoenix won its first playoff series in five years. A handful of others have had moderate success at coming back to the NBA — and no, I’m not just talking about Aaron McKie and Keith Van Horn here.  Penny Hardaway, who last appeared in four games with the Knicks in 2005, signed with the Miami Heat last year.  He was released a month into the season, and Lil’ Penny has a better chance of getting another contract.  Allan Houston has twice been cut by the Knicks (that says it all right there) after coming out of retirement in 2007.  Darius Miles returned to play for the Memphis Grizzlies this year, after missing more than two seasons with what the Portland doctors considered to be a career-ending knee injury.  As the accompanying video shows, he hasn’t exactly lit the world on fire.  But sadly, the man with the family to feed, Latrell Sprewell, has been conspicuously quiet despite some recent financial concerns.  Wouldn’t it be fun to watch Spree come back at 38 to help a choking, er, struggling team in the stretch run?

When the Lakers faced the Bulls on February 2, 1996, Magic and Michael appeared on the same court for the first time since 1991 NBA Finals.  I remember a fan in the crowd held up a sign that read, “First Michael, then Magic, how about it Larry?”  Hey, it might not be too late…on second thought, maybe that’s pushing it.  I guess this was all just a long way of saying, I’m pulling for you, Bryon Russell.

Putting my favorite NBA quote into words wouldn’t do it justice. Even if you’ve heard it before, go ahead and play Mark Madsen’s speech from the Lakers’ championship parade.  If a better one-minute clip exists on the interwebs, I’ve yet to see it.  Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to the funniest and dumbest NBA quotes of all-time. In honor of Stephon Marbury, the Tracy Jordan of the NBA, we’ll dish out 14 dimes…and add another 6 assists for good measure.  And please read this post — we’ve got families to feed!

1. “Sam is an idiot. I-D-O-U-T. Idiot.” — Shaquille O’Neal, responding to Chicago Tribune columnist Sam Smith’s suggestion that the Miami Heat should trade the big man. And now we know that Shaq takes spelling lessons from Homer J. Simpson.

2. “I’ve had to overcome a lot of diversity.” — Drew Gooden, on the ups and downs of his NBA career. Damn that diversity, always getting in the way of progress — what’s up with Title IX anyway?

3. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd, after being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks.  And he turned out to be exactly right — the team won 19 games before he arrived, and 26 games in his final season.  Oh, the irony!

4. “I don’t want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.” –Sherman Douglas. If I understood that correctly, Sherm has a detachable mouth?

5. “It’s almost like we have ESPN.” — Magic Johnson, on his relationship with James Worthy.  I’ll bet Magic wouldn’t say that if Stephen A. Smith was on the air back then.  And, man, do I miss The Magic Hour…

6. “He’s one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him.” –- Scottie Pippen, on Tim Duncan.  Now we know the secret to Pippen’s defensive prowess — Scottie is actually Mr. Potato Head.

7.  “I’m like the Pythagorean theorem. Not too many people know the answer to my game.” — Shaquille O’Neal. I don’t understand why NBA teams haven’t hired more high school math teachers to stop him in the paint.

8.  “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” — Doug Collins. See, now this is exactly the kind of stuff Vinny Del Negro should be teaching his young Bulls team.  If you don’t turn the ball over and score more points than your opponent, you’ll win the game…almost always.

9.  “Not really. I’m not a fan of Chinese food” — Bobby Simmons, on whether he’s looking forward to playing in Japan.  On the other hand, Bobby was ecstatic to go travel to Turkey because Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday.

10. “Play some Picasso.” — Chris Morris, to a piano player while trying to impress a date.  Have you hear the “Guernica” remix?  It’s got that neoclassical-soul vibe…

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