Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Happy Alcoholic Christmas from the most Irish man in the NBA!
Mar
17
2010
17
2010
Jan
07
2010
07
2010
BOOM-SHAKALAKA!!
Clintastic!
In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii. If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.
There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer. My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.
Without further ado, I present the three players – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis. I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves. Whoops, bad choice of words there.
(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson. Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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Nov
02
2009
02
2009
Dan Shaughnessy Sucks..
Dan Shaughnessy hasn’t graced the pages of our fine editorial literary review in four and a half months. Somebody’s been doggin’ it..
“Blah, we’re big pink idiots! Feed us potatoes!”
This week, Dan Shaughnessy finally takes Tim Donaghy down a peg. HE’S BEEN ON TOP FOR TOO LONG!
Can’t Buy His Latest Call
‘Cause I’m broke, ’cause I work for a newspaper!
Tim Donaghy is back in the news.
Didja hear? He withdrew from the race for President of Afghanistan!
Serving time in federal prison, the former NBA official is once again trying to take down the NBA and its corps of referees.
A corps of referees? I always thought you referred to them as a gaggle..
The dirty zebra has written a book
But how? With his filthy hooves?
- which may or may not be published - and he’s again claiming that the games are not on the level. He’s naming names,
Names like Frank, Tyler & Gary!
and some of the stuff found its way to the Internet.
The Internet? However did it do that? And what will this global system of interconnected computer networks hold for the future of our modern society?
The NBA has delivered Donaghy’s latest allegations to a former federal prosecutor who reviewed league officiating when Donaghy’s crimes first came to light.
That former prosecutor? George Mitchell.
There is probably some truth in Donaghy’s new charges.
Like the part where he says he used to be a referee in the National Basketball Association.
The ref rat
RAT REF!
“Yer out!…OF CHEESE!”
claims stars get special treatment - not exactly a “stop the presses’’ bulletin.
It’s not hard to imagine refs playing parlor games regarding who might make the first call of the night. Maybe a guy did T-up Rasheed Wallace in order to make his fellow refs responsible for tipping the ball boys. Some refs don’t like some players. It’s only human.
It’s only human to not do your job.
But fixing games and gambling on games is another matter. Making sure a series goes seven games is corrupt.
And profitable!
Helping the Celtics and Lakers at the expense of the Cavaliers and Spurs is consumer fraud.
Seriously, c’mon. Who cares about Texas?
It’s criminal.
It’s worse than rape. WORSE THAN RAPE!
And I’m not buying it.
Yeah Dan, we read the column title already.
Donaghy is a crook and a rat.
RAT REF!
He’s also broke and back in prison.
Back in prison? Was he in there before? Did the NBA hire him through some sort of ex-con program? And c’mon. NBA refs get paid pretty well. You should see Crawford’s house in Philly. You’re telling me Donaghy is out of work for one year and all of a sudden he’s flat broke? I’m not buying your not buying it, Dan! DOUBLE NOT-BUY!
And he’s trying to make a buck.
Despicable human being. Trying to earn money after being freed from prison. Why won’t him and Michael Vick just crawl into a ditch together somewhere and DIE!
His claims got some traction yesterday on the local talk shows.
Especially mine!
The unsubstantiated charges make great Internet fodder. And I am writing about it because, well, people are talking about it.
But I simply refuse to believe that the games we watch are not on the level.
Oh, Dan. Simple pretty Dan.
Call me naive.
You are naive.
It won’t be the first time. Certainly those of us who bought into the Sosa-McGwire home run chase of 1998 were snookered.
Is that anything like getting nose-fucked? ‘Cause I don’t like getting nose-fucked.
I never thought Pete Rose would have bet on baseball while he was managing the Reds.
He always looked so trustworthy!
If I’d covered the 1919 World Series, I’d have probably written at great length about the White Sox choking and underperforming.
Shoeless Joe only hit .375? What a bum!
But tanking?
Say it ain’t so.
I went to the Garden last night to watch the Celtics and the Bulls. I kept my eyes on Tom Washington, Eric Lewis, and Zach Zarba.
Especially Zach Zarba! Me-Ow!
I saw nothing suspicious.
Zach would never cheat on me!
There are going to be bad calls, suspect calls. I just don’t think the refs are in the bag.
Donaghy’s allegations that referees managed games late in the season in order to reward large markets with playoff spots and network television revenue has been unfounded in the first two weeks of the regular season!
I talked with players, coaches, and ex-players, and naturally no one was buying into Donaghy’s premise.
Because David Stern will fucking shoot them in the goddam motherfucking head.
Seriously, Stern’s got bodies on him.
Not on the record, anyway. NBA players are not fools and only a fool would slander the men who make the calls that impact their livelihood.
So what did Stephen Jackson tell you?
“I just have faith that everybody is doing what they are supposed to do,’’ said Ray Allen.
Jesus has faith.
“The refs are not always perfect.
FINED!
There are a lot of judgment calls.
FINED!
That’s why we, as players, need to have good relationships with them. We try not to let the game get to a point where it’s in the referees’ hands.’’
SUSPENDED!
I asked Allen if he ever felt an official “had it in for you?’’
“Yes,’’ he said quickly. “For sure. Sometimes we may be paranoid, you might think a guy doesn’t like you.’’
Like Zach Zarba. He can be such a snob!
Danny Ainge had the same reaction to the question.
And yet I’m going to print it anyway. Why write my column when others can write it for me?
“I felt Earl Strom had it in for me when I played,’’ said Ainge.
“He kept callin’ damn touchdowns every time the other team shot the ball.”
“One time I went up to him and asked him how much longer I was going to have to pay for something I’d done and he looked at me like he didn’t know what I was talking about.’’
Hey! You stole that from the Donaghy book!
We don’t need Donaghy going all Canseco on us to know that stuff happens.
We don’t need him “telling the truth” and giving “facts.”
In 2007, veteran official Joe Crawford was suspended by the NBA after ejecting Tim Duncan.
I bet Tim Duncan overreacted.
It was not the first time Crawford was slapped by his bosses.
But it was the first time it wasn’t on the ass.
Back in the 1980s, Celtics coach Bill Fitch was under the impression that Crawford had been punished for making too many calls against a team that failed to provide him with tickets for a game. Any time thereafter, when Fitch felt Crawford was foiling the Celtics at the Garden, Fitch would say, “What’s the matter, Joe? Didn’t you get your tickets tonight?’’
Fitch with the zinger!
None of it is OK.
All of it is not good.
Anything less than total impartiality is unacceptable, and all leagues need to be vigilant.
Even Ligas?
But game-fixing? Series-fixing?
Hinge-fixing?
I don’t think so.
Don’t even think about it!
Too many people would have to be in on it. It would get out.
Fifty-some-odd guys getting paid hundreds of thousands to millions a year? I think they could keep that under wraps.
Bettors and fans who love teams more than their own families inevitably see demons. But I’ve never understood how any fan could make an emotional (or financial) investment in games that are fixed.
Somebody’s never bet their second-born on a Warriors/Bulls preseason tilt! Nerd.
You can’t go to the Garden and write a story about officials without checking with Tommy Heinsohn.
He is Lord of the Referee Column. No referee column shall be published without his approval!
(Unless it’s about that cunt, Earl Strom.)
Part of the NBA since 1956, Tommy has said more about referees than anyone in Greater Boston. He’s battled the whistles from the court, the bench, and the broadcast booth.
Especially during his PCP phase.
“The whistles! They’re everywhere! They’re crawling under my skin!”
Did he ever think the games were fixed?
“No,’’ said Heinsohn. “Sometimes it’s subjective. You wonder what a guy thinks of you if he says you’re nothing but a showboat.
Tommy Heinsohn? A showboat??
But I never believed it wasn’t on the level.’’
Double negative. He’s concealing the truth with his clever wordplay! He knows!
“I’m not going to believe what a criminal says,’’ said Doc Rivers.
“So get away from me Dan, you date-rapist!”
“No doubt, there are times we are not happy.
Like always.
It’s a human game, just like those baseball games with the umpires last night.
With the umpires and the baseballs and the jello and the Theo!
There’s always going to be stuff like that.’’
“I read the excerpts [from Donaghy’s book],’’ said Ainge. “You have to consider the source. It’s easy to write and say things and blow it out of proportion. I just played in too many big games to believe all that. I believe they’re doing the best they can and that the players decide the outcome.’’
Players decide the outcome. If you don’t believe that, why bother watching the games?
Because I bet Earl Strom’s kidneys on this Knicks/Blazers nightcap, you Rat Ref!
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com. 
Oct
23
2009
23
2009
Sep
15
2009
15
2009
Martin Müürsepp Travels
Hellos.
I am the Martin Müürsepp, formerly of the Nationalized Basketball Associates.
When I was playing for the Miami Heats and the Dallas Maverick of the Americas, I was known for the traveling.
Now I’m taking my great knowledge of the travels and bringing the savings onto you! The consumer!
Introducing Martin Müürsepp Travels. (more…)
Aug
05
2009
05
2009
How Christian Laettner Chills from ‘93 Til…
We’ve previously touched upon fascinating tie-ins between hip-hop and the NBA, where ballers want to be rappers and rappers want to be ballers. Yet another example of the connection between the two cultures comes courtesy of LeBron James’ brief cameo in Jay-Z’s video for “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-tune),” which is by no means random or unexpected, since the Cavaliers superstar just happens to be best buds with the part owner of the New Jersey (Brooklyn) Nets. The real fun comes when our favorite NBA players make very odd and at times completely inexplicable appearances in popular music videos.
Shaquille O’Neal, Alonzo Mourning, Larry Johnson, Tom Gugliotta, LaPhonso Ellis, Harold Miner, Steve Smith, Christian Laettner — Naughty by Nature, “Hip Hop Hooray (NBA Remix):” Okay, so it’s not an official music video, but a basketball-themed remix recorded for NBA Inside Stuff. Meh, close enough. Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta’s fake punching is hilarious in itself, but this is an unintentional comedy classic thanks to Christian Laettner, decked out in a beige turtleneck and waving his arms as he lip syncs, “I live and die for hip hop.” This can never be topped.
Alonzo Mourning, Alex English, Walt Williams, Muggsy Bogues, Charles Smith — Hootie and The Blowfish, “I Only Wanna Be with You:” Hooping with the spectacular NBA Jam: T.E. combo of Zo and Muggsy is one thing, but what in the world are Alex English, who’d been retired for three years, and Charles Smith, notorious for his four straight missed lay-ups, doing there? Was Cherokee Parks not available? Anthony “Pig” Miller? Zan Tabak? On the other hand, Hootie gets major props for showcasing Walt Williams, one of very few wins for the mid-90’s Kings.
Magic Johnson — Michael Jackson, “Remember the Time:” This must’ve been the moment when Michael Jackson made Magic a better point guard. Playing one of the Pharaoh’s (Eddie Murphy) bare-chested guards — or aids, if you’re as bad a person as I am — Magic for once escapes without completely butchering the English language in his four lines of dialogue. As is our custom, let’s now take a few minutes to watch a classic clip from the brilliance that was and always will be ”The Magic Hour.”
Larry Hughes — Nelly, “Dilemma:” Kelly Rowland of Destiny’s Child is seeing Hughes, but can’t stop creeping with Nelly on the side…hence the dilemma in the title. True story: Nelly started wearing his trademark band-aid after repeatedly getting hit in the face by errant Hughes bricks on the basketball court.
Kobe Bryant — Destiny’s Child, “Bug A Boo:” Beyonce and the ladies (they really like ballers, apparently) walk into a male locker room, stroll past a few half-naked men, and then get a stare-down from Kobe Bryant, who’s furiously tying his shoes on the bench. Much like Bryant’s ill-fated rap career, there’s no rhyme or reason to it whatsoever, though thankfully Mr. K.O.B.E. doesn’t pick the up mic here.
Corey Maggette, Baron Davis — Common, “Drivin’ Me Wild:” Okay, so maybe the NBA cameos sort of makes sense, since Common raps about a woman being with “the ball player from the Clippers,” Maggette’s team at the time, and in a bit of a stretch, Baron Davis became a Clipper himself a year later. I’m just disappointed that Chris Kaman couldn’t land this part…that would’ve been epic.
Jalen Rose — Styles P,“Good Times (I Get High):” I mentioned this once before, but are my eyes deceiving me, or is that Jalen Rose DJing at the 2:41 and 3:06 marks? I’m sure David Stern was ecstatic that one of his players was in a song promoting smoking marijuana on a daily basis.
UPDATE: Anthony Mason tears it up on the court in some short shorts in Diamond D’s “Best Kept Secret:”
Jun
25
2009
25
2009
Jun
17
2009
17
2009
Dan Shaughnessy Sucks..
Fifty-eight days since the last Dan Shaughnessy basketball column. He hasn’t written since Game 1 of the Chicago series when he proclaimed the Boston Celtics season officially over.
Fifty-eight days! 58! Did he fall in a well?
This week, Dan congratulates Lakers fans in the classiest way he knows how. By shitting on their parade.
Even the most diehard of Celtics fans begrudgingly gave Lakers fans their due respect. Not ‘Ol Danny Boy, though!
To the FJM/BDD plagiarism! (more…)
Jun
16
2009
16
2009
NBA Re-Drafts: 1993
In the weeks leading up to the 2009 NBA Draft, Lowposts’ resident Draftologistician will be looking at NBA Drafts of the past and how they got all screwed up..
Today: The 1993 NBA Draft.. (more…)
Jun
15
2009
15
2009
NBA Re-Drafts: 1992
In the weeks leading up to the 2009 NBA Draft, Lowposts’ resident Draftologistician will be looking at NBA Drafts of the past and how they got all screwed up..
Today: The 1992 NBA Draft.. (more…)
