(Golden State Warriors head coach Don Nelson is putting the finishing touches on his office Christmas tree..)
Nelson: Stephen, is this too many swastikas?
Curry: Jesus, Coach..
Nelson: (chuckling) Yeah, I’m tryin’ to get fired. So, you finished your Christmas shopping?
Curry: Yeah, actually I–
Nelson: Great. (thrusts a finger in the air) To the mall!
(Warriors Coach Don Nelson is in his office, gossiping with Stephen Curry..)
Nelson: And he ate the whole thing! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Curry: …
Nelson: C’mon, that’s funny!
Curry: I don’t even know what you’re talking about. All you said was ‘and he ate the whole thing’ and then you laughed for a while.
Nelson: (chuckles) Yeah, that was great.
(Warriors Coach Don Nelson is in his office, listening to Kenny Loggins’ “This Is It” & crying..)
Nelson: (sniffle)
Curry: (saunters into office) Hey Coach!
Nelson: (erupting) GO AWAY, YOUNG STEPHEN! IT ISN’T ABOUT YOU THIS WEEK!
Curry: (backs out of office slowly)
Nelson: (sniffle)
(Warriors ex-Captain Stephen Jackson is hanging out in Coach Nelson’s office..)
Nelson: I know! Let’s steal a car!
Jackson: Nah, I did that this morning.
Nelson: (crosses arms grumpily) You do everything without me!
Jackson: Coach, I got other friends that wanna do stuff. I can’t just hang out with you 24-7, like that kiss-ass Curry!
Curry: (wanders into office) Hey Coach! Hey Stephen!
Jackson: (snicker)
Nelson: (stifled guffaw)
Jackson: (eats Snickers) (more…)
Key Offseason Additions: Stephen Curry, Mikki Moore’s snake (SFW), Mikki Moore, Monta Ellis’ ankle, Acie Law, Speedy Claxton, Devean George
Life hasn't been all roller staking and boom-boxing for the Warriors lately...
The Lowdown: It’s becoming more evident that the Warriors’ magical 2007 playoff run was nothing more than a fun and exciting anomaly for a franchise that has now missed the postseason in 14 of the last 15 years. In 2008/09, Golden State was second in the league in scoring, but also finished dead last in points allowed and ninth-worst in turnovers. Ah, good ol’ Nellie Ball (notice the absence of the “d”).
Don Nelson has won 1,309 games over his storied career, but has developed just as many irreparable rifts with both players and owners through his unpredictable lineup shuffling, leading to the departures of Baron Davis, Al Harrington, and Jamal Crawford from Warrior-land. Although the team has yet to honor Stephen Jackson’s trade demand, his days in Golden State are clearly numbered, and Monta “Pinocchio” Ellis is likely not far behind. If Nellie pushes Anthony Randolph out of town, there will be a violent uproar in Oakland…well, a bigger one than usual.
After a head-scratching trade that sent third-year guard Marco Belinelli to Toronto for a Spice Girls CD and the Contra cheat code Devean George, the biggest question centers around the Warriors’ direction for the future. Is this a team in the midst of rebuilding or trying to win now? For all of the talent, Nellie’s style of play makes a deep playoff run highly improbable, while the team can’t fully rebuild with so many long-term contracts still on the books.
The Good: The Warriors are certainly not lacking firepower, and we’re not just talking about what’s in Stephen Jackson’s glove compartment. With the addition of sharp-shooter Stephen Curry and the continued development of Ellis, Randolph, and Andris Biedrins, Golden State will rarely struggle to score over 100 points (while giving up 120), and remains one of the most entertaining teams to watch on the court.
Even after losing Brendan Wright to injury, the Warriors are still arguably the deepest and most versatile team in the league. Nelson’s bread and butter over the years (and the man knows his bread and butter) has been creating match-up difficulties for his opponents, and with a roster full of athletic swingmen, Golden State will continue to surprise teams with different offensive schemes and unconventional lineups.
Fantasy Sleeper Alert: In 16 starts last season, Anthony Morrow averaged 15.6 points (47% FG), 4.1 rebounds, 2.1 threes, and 1.1 steals per game. The world-renowned record-holder for most points in a Summer League game (47) is slated to come off the bench behind Corey Maggette, but should have a bigger role on offense as the Warriors’ best outside shooter after the departure of Belinelli. Plus, Maggette just pulled a hamstring reading this post.
Prediction: 32-50 — 3rd in Pacific Division, 12th in Western Conference
(Warriors rookie Stephen Curry runs into Coach Don Nelson’s office..)
Curry: Coach!
Nelson: (swivels around in chair) Gahhh–I wasn’t masturbating!!
Curry: Um..
Nelson: (looks down, zips up fly)
Curry: Coach, Andris is hitting people over the head with a mallet. Says it’s for some sort of Latvian holiday, but it really hurts!
Nelson: Now, Young Stephen. Nobody likes a tattletale.
Curry: But Coach, Rony Turiaf is on the floor bleeding!
Nelson: Probably just his dreadlocks. What did you want to see me for?
Curry: Um, that. What I just told you.
Nelson: Right, now my thing. (more…)
(One afternoon, in Coach Don Nelson’s office..)
Jackson: I wanna trade!
Ellis: No, I wanna trade!
Jackson: I wanna trade more! (more…)
Nelson: Easy boy. Easy..
Crocodile: Hissssssssss!
Nelson: Bad Croc! Bad!
Crocodile: Hisssssssssssss!
Curry: Hey Coach, I–oh, c’mon! (leaps back)
Nelson: Watch out, Young Stephen. Croc’s angry. (more…)
(Warriors Coach Don Nelson is in his office when Stephen Curry enters..)
Curry: Hey Coach, you wanted to–what in the world?
Nelson: (hollering) HEY STEPHEN, CHECK OUT MY ROBOT!
Robot: (whirs loudly) Beep boop.
Curry: Wow, is that where all that noise has been coming from?
Nelson: (hollering) SORRY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU YOUNG STEPHEN! THIS ROBOT’S LOUD AS HELL!
Robot: (whirs even louder) Beep beep boop.
Nelson: (hollering) SHUSH, ROBOT! (more…)
(Warriors Coach Don Nelson is playing the NASCAR pinball machine in his office, when rookie Stephen Curry enters..)
NASCAR Pinball Machine: TILT! TILT! TILT!
Nelson: (incredulous) What? I’ll show you a tilt! (tips pinball machine over, glass shatters everywhere)
Curry: (standing awkwardly in doorway) Uhhh…
Nelson: Ah! Young Stephen! Come in, come in..
Curry: (sits down) What’s up, Coach?
Nelson: We’ve got badgers. (more…)
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