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Former NBA superstar Tim Hardaway will join Lowposts throughout the 2010 offseason to break down the various free agency acquisitions in what may be the busiest contract year in recent history.

Today: Dwyane Wade & Chris Bosh

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Former NBA superstar Tim Hardaway will join Lowposts throughout the 2010 offseason to break down the various free agency acquisitions in what may be the busiest contract year in recent history.

Today:  Amare Stoudemire

(more…)

One afternoon, while in his laboratory trying to invent a gun that shoots guns, unemployed backup point guard Jamaal Tinsley discovered time travel. The only problem: He cannot control it. Now he is lost somewhere in the space-time continuum, looking for a way back to our reality and a contract with the New York Knickerbockers..

Tonight’s adventure: Serbia - 1904.. (more…)

Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.

Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.

Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.

Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.

Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.

Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).

Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)

Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.

Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.

Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.

Quick Misses:

*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.

*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.

*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.

*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.

*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.

(The ‘96 Warriors are preparing for the final minutes of a surprisingly close game against the Bulls..)

Adelman: Ok guys, these Bulls have given us a lot of trouble in the past.

Hardaway: Probably ’cause they’re queer!

Seikaly: Stop it, Tim! (slaps Hardaway) (more…)

It’s rarity for an NBA player to spend his entire career with his original team. In fact, only 20 of the NBA’s 50 Greatest Players played for just one franchise (19 if you count Julius Erving’s ABA stint). Hell, nothing can be surprising if Michael Jordan can return to the United Center as a member of the Washington Wizards (both comebacks were examined here).  And yet, some images of star athletes clad in unfamiliar uniforms just seem wrong. Whether it’s a quest for an elusive championship ring, a quick layover, or simply not knowing when to walk away from the game, here are some recent examples of known NBA players suiting up in shockingly unnatural-looking uniforms.

Hakeem Olajuwon, Raptors: Olajuwon played 17 seasons with the Rockets — and 20 years overall in Houston, including his college career — before being traded to the Toronto Raptors for draft picks. He registered career lows in almost every category, averaging just 7 points and 6 rebounds in one forgettable season north of the border. Then again, he might be the only player in NBA history to willingly report to Canada after being traded (see: Alonzo Mourning, Kenny Anderson).

Patrick Ewing, Magic: The late ’90’s Knicks were looking to rebuild and the fans had started to turn against their once franchise center. Ewing himself requested a change of scenery after 15 years without a ring in New York, and was sent to Seattle in a four-team trade. The 36-year-old put up then career-lows in points (9.6) and rebounds (7.4) in one season as a Sonic. He finished his career as seldom-used reserve in Orlando — which I’m guessing has the best Gold Clubs — in an unrecognizable #6 Magic jersey.

Karl Malone, Lakers:  Malone spent his first 18 seasons in Utah, falling just short of a title in 1997 and 1998. Desperate for a championship ring, he signed with the Lakers in 2003.  After never missing more than two games in any prior season, the 40-year-old appeared in just 42 regular season games, and sat out the deciding fifth game of the Finals against the eventual-champion Pistons.  The only good thing from his Lakers stint is that I learned my best pickup moves from the Mailman, who couldn’t quite deliver with Kobe’s wife.

Alex English: Mavericks: English ripped the nets for 11 years in Denver, becoming the franchise leader in points (12th in NBA history), assists, games, and minutes.  After averaging 18 points per game in 1989/90, he was unceremoniously unsigned by the Nuggets and inked a one-year deal with Dallas.  English put up 10 points per gave as backup on an underachieving Mavs team led by Roy “The Snowman” Tarpley in his final season. But man, that rainbow Nuggets throwback still looks so sweet!

Dominique Wilkins, Magic: Wilkins put up over 23,000 points in a Hawks uniform, before being traded to the Clippers for Danny Manning. He then bounced around the globe, playing in Boston, Panathinaikos, San Antonio, and Italy, before finishing his career with his brother Gerald in Orlando. The two-time Slam Dunk champion put up just 5 points in 9 minutes per game with the Magic — more like the Human Lowlight Film, amirite? Useless fact: Wilkins and Ewing are Orlando’s only Hall of Fame inductees.

John Starks, Bulls: Best known for his days in New York — I don’t advise saying “2 for 18″ around any Knicks fans — Starks spent two seasons apiece with the Warriors and Jazz. But during the 1999/00 season, he played four games for the Chicago Bulls, the team he used to battle in epic playoff series during the mid-90’s, and the victims of his career-defining play, “The Dunk” (left). The sight of Starks in Chicago red was almost as unfathomable as Larry Bird in purple and gold…or Chris Tucker in Rush Hour 4.

Robert Parish, Bulls: Parish played 14 seasons and won three titles in Boston after four years with the Warriors. Unfortunately, he’s the definition of not knowing when to hang it up, playing riding the bench until the age of 43 just to get his name into the record books. Parish was a reserve in Charlotte for two years, and averaged just 4 points and 2 rebounds in his final season as a third-string center on the 1997 NBA champion Bulls. Parish finally retired after the season, announcing, “I think it’s time…to walk away.” Only three years too late, Chief.

Scottie Pippen, Rockets: Pippen will always be remembered as Jordan’s sidekick on the six-time champion  Bulls.  But after 11 seasons in Chicago, he was dealt to Houston for Roy Rogers (Jerry Krause is a roast beef man) and a future pick. He played 50 games for the Rockets in a lockout- shortened season, before getting traded to Portland (these parting shots at Charles Barkley imply it didn’t go so well). Pip was instrumental in the Blazers’ 2000 playoff collapse against the Lakers, perhaps because he saw old pal Toni Kokuc in the crowd.

Rasheed Wallace, Hawks: Remember Sheed’s rookie season with the Bullets — a fitting team name for the aspiring rapper — way back in 1995?  He was traded to Portland after one season, where he soon became king of Jailblazers and master of the technical foul. Before helping the Pistons win the title in 2004, Wallace played a single game for the Hawks, a 98-92 loss to the Nets. One thing’s for sure — both teams definitely didn’t play hard.

Mitch Richmond, Lakers: While it may not be as traitorous as Johnny Damon signing with the Yankees or Clay Bennett stealing the Sonics, Richmond, who spent seven All-Star seasons with the Sacramento Kings, signed a one-year deal with the Lakers in 2001 after three years in Washington. He settled for a reduced role in Los Angeles, and unlike Malone and Ewing, won a ring in his final season, even though it meant selling his soul to the devil and beating his former team in the process.

Honorable Mention:

*Chauncey Billups, Raptors:  His tattoo reminds him of 51 games in Boston.
*Tim Hardaway, Indiana Pacers and Denver Nuggets?
*Gary Payton, Bucks:  His first of four stops after 12 and half seasons in Seattle.
*Glen Rice, Los Angeles Clippers
*Christian Laettner, 1992 Dream Team: What was the selection committee thinking?
*Sean Elliott, Detroit Pistons
*Ben Wallace, Orlando Magic and bald on the Bullets!
*Dikembe Mutombo, New Jersey Nets
*Steve Smith, Charlotte Bobcats: Not sure if he punched any teammates in the face.
*Alonzo Mourning, New Jersey Nets
*Rod Strickland, Toronto Raptors
*Glenn Robinson, San Antonio Spurs
*Jay Williams, New Jersey Nets
*Jayson Williams, Prison Orange: Maybe one day…

The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of the man who will most likely re-sign with his current team before this series is finished, Lebron James. All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.

Today: The Golden State Warriors.. (more…)

This is Part 1 of Act Like You Know .  Part 2 can be found here.

I watched Love And Basketball for the fourth time the other day, and one thing continues to bother me — the casting of Omar Epps in the lead role.  I have nothing against Epps as an actor, but I don’t buy him as a professional basketball player.  There’s just something off about him every time he steps out on the court, especially with the Lakers.  It’s even worse now that I associate him with Dr. Foreman on House.  So, I started thinking — would the movie be any better if the part of Quincy McCall went to say, Will Smith…or how about Ray Allen?  Actually, can any NBA players be good (or even passable) as movie actors?  We know that Paul Pierce, for one,  deserves an Oscar for his stunning performance in Game 1 of the NBA Finals.

Now, of course, it’s not a big stretch for a basketball player to play himself or another athlete in a movie…or so we’d hope.  Part I of this two-part set will focus on movies that feature NBA players “acting” as basketball players, while Part II will look at those who’ve branched out into bigger roles, including Allen in He Got Game.

1. Eddie (1996): John Salley, Rick Fox, Malik Sealy (RIP), Mark Jackson, Dwayne Schintzius, Greg Ostertag, Gary Payton, plus assorted NBA players (49 total) as themselves.

I’m sure every NBA fan has seen this one — Whoopi Goldberg goes from an obnoxious Knicks fan to the team’s coach, and puts the Isiah Thomas era to shame in the process. The best of the NBA players are Ostertag, who plays a dimwitted yokel of a player (yeah, this was a big reach for him); Sealy, who channels his inner Rickey Henderson and refers to himself in the third person; and Schintzius, who plays (?) a moron that speaks only three words of English. The rest of the bunch do just fine in minor roles — Olden Polynice, for instance, shows off his scientific knowledge of a black hole…nah, too easy.

2. Space Jam (1996): Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Shawn Bradley, Larry Bird, Vlade Divac, Cedric Ceballos, A.C. Green, Derek Harper, Alonzo Mourning, Charles Oakley — all as themselves.

If you’re like me and saw this movie when you were younger, you probably liked it enough to not question the acting abilities of the stars.  Jordan isn’t really asked to do anything out of the ordinary here — he plays basketball and exhibits good sportsmanship, even if he’s sometimes as stiff as the hardwood. After aliens take away the NBA players’ skills, we get to see them do their best Brian Scalabrene impressions. Of course, the cheap laughs again come at the expense of the tall white guy: Shawn Bradley becomes awkward and uncoordinated on the court…in other words, the directors just told him to act natural.

3. Blue Chips (1994): Shaquille O’Neal, Anfernee Hardaway, Larry Bird, Bob Cousy, and several players as themselves, including Allan Houston, Rodney Rogers, Calbert Cheaney, Bobby Hurley, Marques Johnson, Rick Fox, George Lynch, and Chris Mills.

The movie gives a realistic (but fictional) account of behind-the-scenes cheating and corruption in college athletics.  Aside from dunking in the basketball scenes, Shaq gives his usual cringe-worthy performance (much more on this in Part II) in his acting debut.  Penny is surprisingly likable in his recruitment scenes with Nick Nolte; more impressively, he didn’t even injure himself on the set. Fortunately for us, the other players (notably Hurley and Cheaney) are not asked to do much off the court and safely fade into the background.  Cousy and Bird are, well, there.

4. Forget Paris (1995): Charles Barkley, David Robinson, Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Sean Elliott, Patrick Ewing, Tim Hardaway, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Laimbeer, Reggie Miller, Chris Mullin, Charles Oakley, Kurt Rambis, John Starks, Isiah Thomas, Spud Webb, Marques Johnson, Reggie Theus — all as themselves.

I’m almost ashamed to admit that I sort of like this movie, even though it’s a romantic comedy.  Billy Crystal plays an NBA referee, and all of the player cameos take place on the court.  As expected, these are mostly in-game action sequences, and require the players to argue with the refs (once again, this hopefully shouldn’t be too hard).  Kareem, Barkley, and Spud Webb, in particular, are very believable in their brief interactions with Crystal, while most of the other players don’t have noteworthy speaking parts.

5. The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (1979): Julius “Dr. J” Erving, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Meadowlark Lemon (Harlem Globetrotter), and several NBA/ABA players, including Connie Hawkins, Spencer Haywood, Bob Lanier, Cedric Maxwell, and Norm Nixon.

I’m willing to best that most people under 30 aren’t familiar with this one.  Dr. J plays the superstar on a terrible basketball team.  After most of the players quit, in comes an absolutely ridiculous premise; let’s just say it has to do with astrology.  The acting is minimal and beyond wooden (not just the players, either), while attempts at humor predictably fall short.  Even still, I’d recommend watching it, if only for the unintentionally hilarious disco soundtrack.

Honorable Mention:

*Heaven Is A Playground (1991):  Bo Kimble, Hakeem Olajuwon, Kendall Gill

A coach tries to keep his urban high school basketball team out of trouble — as expected, it’s to no avail. Former Clipper Bo Kimble plays a good player who later becomes a bitter loner after a serious knee injury, while Olajuwon and Gill have minor roles as his teammates. Apparently, Michael Jordan was originally supposed to be cast in the movie instead of Kimble, and was sued for by the filmmakers for breach-of-contract.

*Like Mike (2002): Michael Finley, Steve Francis, Allen Iverson, Jason Kidd, Tracy McGrady, Alonzo Mourning, Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Gary Payton, Jason Richardson, David Robinson, Rasheed Wallace, Gerald Wallace, Chris Webber — all as themselves.

I’m not gonna lie to you — I never saw this movie, but I remember watching an ‘extended preview’ in the theater, which basically showed the whole movie in five minutes. Looking at the stills (Robinson, Kidd) is making me a little nauseous, so let’s move on.  Oh, and FYI, “Like Mike 2” (I had no idea either) doesn’t have any player appearances, unless you count Mark Cuban.

*White Men Can’t Jump (1992):  You may have noticed that Marques Johnson — who had a very solid NBA career during the ’80’s — appeared in two other movies on the list.  As the only professional player in this one, he doesn’t play a big enough role to make the cut.  Side note: I watched this movie when I was 12 or 13 years old, and I remember my dad walking in during one of the sex scenes….um, very bad times.