www.lowposts.com

Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)

(Late Monday night, Matt Carroll & Josh Howard are in their San Antonio hotel room with a Spurs phone directory..)

Carroll: Let’s dial Matthew Bonner first!

Howard: Tell him his face is killin’ me! (giggles)

Carroll: Oh!  (chortles, dials)

Bonner: (drowsy)  Hrm…hello?

Carroll: Matthew Robert Bonner?

Howard: (stifled giggle) (more…)

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 1: #3 San Antonio Spurs vs. #6 Dallas Mavericks.. (more…)

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)

It’s easy to understand why athletes choose to date famous celebrities.  The simple answer is because, well, they can.  These women understand their lifestyle, aren’t after money, and of course, are very attractive.  But does it ever work out well for both sides, with difficult travel schedules and no shortage of groupies on the road?  Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe divorced within a year due to the singer’s promiscuous ways; Mike Tyson made Robin Givens’ life a “living hell;” and Andre Rison would still have a house if he never met Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez.  Let’s see how NBA stars have fared over the years.  Without further adieu, here are the top 10 player-celebrity relationships, plus a few bonus extras to ponder.

1. Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra/Madonna:  Rodman dated the equally freaky Madonna in the early ’90’s, and supposedly ended that relationship because he didn’t want to be known as her “boy toy.”  In 1998, “The Worm” married Electra, the former Playboy model and Baywatch star, after dating her for six months. Nine days after the wedding, Rodman filed for an annulment, claiming that he was tricked into marriage, and had been of an “unsound mind” at the time. Somehow, this didn’t carry much weight coming from a man who dyed his hair every color of the rainbow, tattooed and pierced his entire body, and of course, married himself in full makeup and a wedding dress. While Rodman later rescinded the request, Electra then filed for divorce. The two were arrested on domestic violence charges the following year.

2. Chris Webber & Tyra Banks: The enigmatic Kings forward dated the supermodel/actress/talk show host for three years in the early 2000’s.  Both parties denied they were ever engaged, and Banks later admitted their respective careers kept them apart. An irate, shirtless Webber unleashed a classic, expletive-filled rant in the Kings locker room, after being repeatedly asked about the relationship by the Sacramento media (a short sample can be found at the 2:30 mark here).

3. Quentin Richardson/Kobe Bryant & Brandy: Does this make Brandy the Alyssa Milano of the NBA? Kobe briefly dated the Moesha star in 1998, and famously took her to his high school prom. Richardson and Brandy were engaged in July 2004, but split up in October of the following year, allegedly due to Q-Rich’s infidelity. The singer ended up transforming her back tattoo of Richardson’s face into a cat. So, yes, Knicks fans, Brandy literally turned Q-Rich into a pussy.

4. Steve Nash and Geri Halliwell/Elizabeth Hurley: Nash was reportedly dating Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell in 2000, though he insisted she was just a friend. He later upgraded to Elizabeth Hurley, and while Nash would once again decline to comment, his agent confirmed the relationship (seriously). He’s now married with twins, but (false?) rumors of an affair with Nelly Furtado flared up when the singer name-dropped him on her hit song, “Promiscuous:” Is that the truth or are you talkin’ trash? / Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?

5. Rick Fox & Vanessa Williams: The former Laker married “Miss America” in 1999…and then blew it. In 2004, The National Enquirer published photos of Fox kissing another woman at a bar, and Williams ended up filing for divorce later that year. No truth to the rumor that he pleaded, “I’m bad, but not as bad as Eric Benet!” Oh, and Doug Christie, of all people, beat him down in 2002…yes, I had to throw that in there.

6. A.C. Green & Jenna Jameson: In the spring of 1997, the NBA ironman and long-time opponent of premarital sex, met porn queen Jenna Jameson at a downtown Los Angeles nightclub and secretly broke his vow of abstinence.  Green paid the media thousands of dollars to keep the forbidden romance under wraps.  Okay, okay…so this never happened. But admit it, I had you going there.  We won’t count this one.

6.  Jason Kidd/Jim Jackson & Toni Braxton: Ranked lower only because Braxton won’t “kiss and tell,” and Kidd and Jackson deny there was ever a love triangle.  The “Three J’s” of mid-90’s Dallas Mavericks didn’t last three years, apparently because Kidd felt Jackson was a selfish player.  But the juicier story is that the R&B singer was dating Kidd, and came to the Mavs’ hotel to pick him up one evening…but ended up leaving with Jackson instead.  When Braxton didn’t unbreak his heart, Kidd demanded a trade, and was soon shipped to the Phoenix Suns.

7. Tony Parker & Eva Longoria: The San Antonio Spurs guard left his longtime girlfriend for the stunning “Desperate Housewife” in 2005.  The pair wed two years later, in spite of numerous breakup rumors, as well as a model’s false claims that Parker was cheating.  According to Longoria, “when the lights are out, he’s the teacher and I’m the student,” making Tony the envy of men everywhere…well, if only he weren’t French.

8. Carmelo Anthony and LaLa Vasquez Melo proposed to the MTV VJ on Christmas 2004, and it’s good to see that engagement and a child have turned him into a better man. Since that time, he’s been cited for marijuana possession, suspended for fighting during the Knicks-Nuggets brawl in 2006, and most recently arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and suspended for two games by the team. But LaLa will straighten him out yet…you just wait.

9. Grant Hill & Tamia: A token “nice guy,” Hill married Tamia in 1999, and their relationship has been predictably stable and scandal-free. In fact, the pair was recently featured on Oprah’s “greatest love stories” episode after supporting each other’s careers and dealing with personal issues for almost a decade….not that I watched it or anything. Useless fact: they were introduced by R&B singer Anita Baker.

10. Kenyon Martin & Trina: Let’s see if we can get all of these facts straight.  Kenyon Martin is married, but his wife supposedly gave him a cellphone just for his groupies. In the meantime, rapper Trina has introduced Martin as her boyfriend at parties, and helped plan his 30th birthday party. Just a few months ago, Martin and Trina were involved in a minor traffic accident in Belize, when they were on their way to a “peace rally.” Yep…there’s no way this can end badly.

Honorable Mention:

*Karrine “Superhead” Steffans & the entire NBA…and NFL, MLB, NFL, Nascar circuit, Screen Actors Guild, music industry, your local Pep Boys, and so on.

*Dwyane Wade & Star Jones/Gabrielle Union:  Wade has sworn the Star Jones stuff isn’t true and he’s insists they’re only friends (let’s hope).   Rumor has it, he filed for divorce from his wife of five years, and has recently been spotted with actress Gabrielle Union (who may have also dated Jason Kidd).

*Baron Davis & Lauren London:  Another case of unconfirmed rumors…in addition to Davis, the actress/video vixen has been linked to rappers Lil’ Wayne and T.I., as well as R&B singer Cassie (!).

*Marko Jaric & Adriana Lima: Yes, she’s famous and beautiful, but which NBA player hasn’t slept with a supermodel? Isn’t that a contractual provision of some sort?

I wish I knew why NBA players continue to put out rap albums.  Over the last 15 years, we’ve heard over a dozen prominent athletes disgrace themselves on the microphone for our enjoyment. To be fair, not all of them are terrible…and hell, I’d take any of these guys over Lil’ Wayne. Let’s take a look back at the worst of the worst, starting with the man who started it all…Shaq-Fu.

1992: Shaquille O’Neal — For the life of me, I’ll never understand how Shaq’s first album went platinum and his second went gold. Sure, he’s one of the most recognizable athletes in the world, but he’s embarrassingly bad on mic. I’m not even going to say his lyrics are as bad as his foul shooting – that’s being too kind. Don’t let the infamous freestyle Kobe diss fool you; look no further than his debut, Shaq Diesel to get, um, a taste.

I had a hard time picking out my favorite rhymes, but here are a few gems:

“I can flow like pee, coming out yo’ know what / Or some ookey diarrhea coming out yo’ butt”
“Watch out the funky hooper / I uh er-huh er-huh, sorry, I made a pooper.” (I Hate to Brag)
“I leave a bad taste in your mouth, like boogers in coffee” (Shoot Pass Slam)
“Treat you like Spielberg / You get Jur-ASS-kicked in the park” (I Know I Got Skillz)

Oh, and whatever you do, don’t click here…you won’t feel good about yourself, trust me.

1994: Immortal Records released an amazing hip-hop album called Basketball’s Best-Kept Secret, which features songs from several recognizable ‘90’s ballers. A few of these joints aren’t even half-bad: Dana Barros informs us that he “slams like Onyx, puffing on the chronic,” Brian Shaw slow-flows through a somber track about his family’s struggles, and even Gary Payton sounds decent over a funky West Coast beat. But the two absolute worst on the record are Jason Kidd, whose uses the same monotone flow from his interviews on “What the Kidd Didd;” and Cedric Ceballos, who even graced us with a fantastic music video for his corny (Warren G-produced!?) track, “Flow On.”

Typing out lyrics doesn’t even do these songs justice, but here goes:

Ceballos: “You start to Wonder, I know yo’ name is Stevie / Don’t think about it fool, cuz you know you can’t see me”
“Tickity tock, don’t stop, yeah the clock is still tickin’ / Ya booty chicken rhymes, mine are finger lickin’”

Kidd: “At St. Joe’s, the hos treated me different / But I was good on the dribble like an infant”

1999: Chris Webber — I remember spotting C-Webb’s first single, “Gangsta Gangsta (How U Do It),” at my local Sam Goody some years back. What do you do when your favorite basketball player releases a horrible rap album? You pretend it never existed. Unfortunately, Webber couldn’t let that happen – he also shot not one, but two clichéd videos.  “Gangsta” features Kurupt and Redman, though shockingly, Juwan Howard and Jalen Rose are nowhere to be found. Oh, and he rhymes “fetish for lettuce” with “Jerome Bettis.”  Ugh.

Bonus unreleased C-Webb video: “Too Much Drama”

2000: Kobe Bryant –- Allen “Jewelz” Iverson also released a few tracks during the same year, though his album was famously disallowed by Commissioner Stern for its violent and homophobic lyrics. Either way, we can give AI a pass here, since his flow doesn’t sound that forced on “40 Bars.” Kobe, however, gets no such pass. Bryant was set to release his debut album, Visions, until that project was understandably scrapped. He did, however, cut a few tracks with Fiddy and Beanie Sigel (seriously) and made a cameo on Brian McKnight’s “Hold Me (Remix)” in 1997.

Below is a live performance of his first single, “K.O.B.E.” — with a guest verse from Tyra Banks!

And here’s my personal favorite, “Thug Poet,” featuring 50 Cent and Broady Boy (courtesy of XXLMag.com).  He can’t be serious, right?

Timeless lyrics from Black Mamba:

“Kick in the do’ wavin’ the flow flow / All you heard was stop, can’t take the hits - can’t take the hits - no more” (Thug Poet)

“If you hear me say murder, that means I’m a Thug Poet / If I say my mind kills, that means I’m a Thug Poet / If I say that I’m a glock, that means that I’m a Thug Poet,”

“But I refuse to weep / Yet when I sleep, I feel tears trickling down my cheek” (Hold Me)

2006: Ron Artest & 2008: Troy Hudson – I’m gonna group these two together, since they suffer from the same problem: lack of interest. Absolutely no one cared when their respective albums were released, as Ron-Ron sold a meager 343 copies in his first week, and T-Hud managed to one-up him by selling 78 of his own. Both sound equally awkward and off beat at times, though they’re nowhere near as bad as some their predecessors…so I guess that’s progress. Their anemic sales are punishment enough, and I wouldn’t have gone any further…had I not come across this amazing video for T-Hud’s “Tru Luv” (featuring Ray J). I’m not gonna lie to you, the song is actually kinda hot — aside from Hudson’s simplistic rapping — but I’m not saying anything further. Just watch and enjoy.

Dishonorable mention – Tony Parker. This song sounds horrendous to me, but since I don’t know French, I won’t judge…for now.