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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!

Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)

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Ming: (pouting)  My anchor!

McGrady: Christ, will you shut up already? Nobody cares about your flippin’ anchor.

(A mother, holding her baby, glares at T-Mac and he glares back..)

Ming: Tracy, rub my anchor.

McGrady: Fuck no! (more…)

A few months back, we took a look at some of the NBA’s worst and funniest plays, from Derek Harper dribbling out the clock in a tie game to Ricky Davis’ selfless attempt at recording a triple-double.  Here are a few additional moments that’ll make you scratch your head and marvel at the goofs you just saw.  Let’s just call these, ”where the anti-amazing happens.”

Eddie Jones Needs Glasses:  Uh, what just happened here?  Okay, so Jones and Bobby Jackson were teammates on the Grizzlies back in 2005/06, and Jones played for the Hornets nearly a decade earlier, but can either of those facts really explain why he’d inbound the ball to the opposing team and give away an easy layup?  Anytime you can outdo Lamar Odom, you’re entering the pantheon of bonehead plays.

Adonal Foyle is Just A Bit Outside: Yep, that’s what $42 million gets you. As the announcer informs us, it’s not as bad as it looks since he was trying to bank it off the backboard…which he missed entirely by about 10 feet. But on the bright side, he totally shook Robert Swift with that mean jab step.

Donyell Marshall Channels Janet Jackson: Marco Jaric, you’re off the hook — Marshall is the new king of the NBA wardrobe malfunction after he attempted to enter into a game without his jersey and earned a delay of game penalty.  This was his 14th season in the league.  Let’s just be thankful that Marshall was wearing an undershirt and spared us the moobs.

Jordan Shoulda Stayed Retired: Sure, everyone from Kobe to LeBron has missed a breakaway dunk in a packed arena.  You just wouldn’t expect it from the greatest of all time when he’s pushing 40 on busted knees against players nearly half his age.  Wait, you mean, you would?  We’ll always have the Chicago memories, Mike.  Ironically enough, the man who upstaged him is having a few problems of his own…

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Well, now that Dan Shaughnessy & Bob Ryan are in full Red Sox/Look-At-How-These-Caucasians-Play-The-Game-The-Right-Way Mode; I need someone else to unleash my copyright infringing scorn upon. And since I live in Los Angeles now, walking upon streets paved with dead dreams and deader souls, I might as well spread that scorn around. Like a freshly-composted garden.

And who is the impetus of compost-like LA sportswriting? One Mr. Bill Plaschke.

To the Hatercycle! (more…)

Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.

Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.

Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.

Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.

Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.

Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).

Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)

Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.

Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.

Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.

Quick Misses:

*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.

*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.

*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.

*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.

*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.

From early on his career, Kobe Bryant has tried to sound like Michael Jordan in his interviews, pump his fist in the same manner after hitting a big shot, and stick his tongue out as he drove to the basket. Hell, he’ll probably come back as number 46 after a year on the Dodgers’ AA affiliate. Although Bryant won’t ever match Jordan’s six championships, five MVPs, and 10 league scoring titles, his forth title cements him as the greatest “Air” apparent the NBA has seen to date, with LeBron James and Dwyane Wade trailing closely behind.

Over the last two decades, nearly a dozen players have been labeled as “the next Michael Jordan,” and predictably, very few have come close to living up to such high expectations. Whether it was luck, determination, or pure drive to be the best, Jordan was remarkably durable and consistent, playing in all 82 games in his final season at the age of 40. Here are some players who never materialized into the second coming of MJ, despite oftentimes having excellent NBA careers in their own right.

Harold Miner: Baby Jordan’s two Slam Dunk title are the only thing he has in common with MJ.  Following a stellar career at USC, Miner averaged nine points and 2.2 rebounds in 19 minutes per game over four in the NBA, failing to impress coaches with poor defense and shot selection. After being waived by Cleveland in 1996 (this beauty is a bargain), Miner retired from basketball and now lives in seclusion as a Las Vegas real estate investor. I wonder if he ever runs into Ed O’Bannon.

Isaiah Rider: After winning the 1994 Slam Dunk Contest as high-hopping rookie (pun intended), Rider clashed with coaches and scored four arrests, including assault for kicking a female bar manager. Appropriately traded to the Jail Blazers for super-scrub Bill Curley, he bounced around the league before being released by Denver in 2002.  Rider ultimately matched Jordan’s six titles with six post-NBA arrests, including charges of kidnapping and cocaine possession.

Jerry Stackhouse: A similarly-built 6′6″ prolific scorer out of North Carolina, Stack put up five 20-point seasons over the course of his career, but unlike Jordan, barely shot over 40% from the field and appeared in only 18 playoff games before settling for a reserve role in Dallas. His scoring sharply declined after knee surgery, limiting him to just 4.2 points in 10 games last season. Ever the fashion icon, Stack endorsed the ugliest Fila sneakers ever, and is credited for starting the infamous ballerina tights trend.

Anfernee Hardaway: Penny quickly emerged as a superstar in Orlando, all while his little puppet macked on Tyra Banks by the pool. But after four knee surgeries cost Hardaway much of his athleticism, he became an injury-riddled role player on Phoenix and eventually an afterthought on New York and Miami. Perhaps Penny’s career could’ve turned out differently with a little more luck, and I could’ve been rich for investing $30 in his Topps Finest rookie card.

Grant Hill: It’s easy to forget that as a Piston, Hill was once one of the best all-around athletes in the league, and had endorsement deals with Sprite, McDonald’s, and Fila.  After six seasons in Detroit, he helped the Pistons win a title in 2004 by netting them Ben Wallace in a sign-and-trade with Orlando. Hill missed 374 games over the next seven years, before discovering the benefits of HGH — excuse me, the Suns’ medical staff. He put up 12 points per game in the first 82-game season of his 14-year career.

Tracy McGrady: An all-around amazing athlete, T-Mac captured two scoring titles before back and knee injuries hampered the later stages of his career. But while Jordan made nine All-Defensive Teams, Sleepy’s been routinely exploited by opposing coaches for his lack of focus. And of course, since McGrady is synonymous with playoff failure, it was only fitting that Houston made it past the first round as he sat in street clothes, leading many to question whether the Rockets are a better team without him.

Vince Carter: Another 6′6″ Tar Heels alum, Carter quickly mesmerized fans and media with his ferocious windmill slams and hasn’t put up less than 20 points per game since his rookie season. And yet after demonstrating an embarrasing lack of effort in Toronto and allegedly giving away his team’s plays, he’s earned a reputation as a quitter and chronic underachiever who shies away from pressure. In fact, Vince is clutching his knee in agony after reading this paragraph.

Allen Iverson: We all remember the infamous crossover that shook the great one in his shoes. The ultimate volume shooter, Iverson racked up countless fines, suspensions, and off the court controversies that earned him a me-first reputation he further compounded by refusing to come off the bench last season (something Jordan accepted in Washington). Despite winning an MVP award and capturing four scoring titles, his teams made only one Finals appearance.  Maybe he should’ve practiced a little more.

Honorable Mention:

*Tamir Goodman: Remember the The Jewish Jordan? I didn’t either until a recent NBC piece revealed that he’s now playing in Israel for Maccabi Haifa, happily fulfilling his life dream after a few down years following his high school prominence. And once you get past the money, fame, and beautiful women, isn’t that all that matters? Yeah, I didn’t think so. But at least he’s doing better than Miner.

We’ve seen some epic collapses in the sports world, from the Houston Oilers’ overtime meltdown against the Buffalo Bills in 1993 to the Boston Red Sox historic comeback against the New York Yankees in 2004. While no team in NBA history has ever blown a 3-0 series lead, eight teams have battled back from a 3-1 deficit, and an eighth seed once made it all the way to the Finals. Let’s take a look at some of the biggest choke jobs in recent NBA playoff history.

1. Seattle vs. Denver (1994): Yes, it was a five-game series, but no one gave the eighth seed Nuggets any chance of beating the 63-win Sonics. Seattle went up 2-0, and then had approximately 1,243 shots blocked by Dikembe Mutombo in the next three games.  And of course, we’ll always have that wonderful image of Mutombo clutching the ball while laying on the court; it sexed him later on that evening.

2. Dallas vs. Golden State (2007): The Warriors became the first eighth seed to beat the one seed in a seven-game series, though it wasn’t completely unexpected after Golden State matched up so well against the Dallas during the regular season.  Still, there’s no question that the Mavs fell apart and lost their confidence, especially MVP Dirk “No-win-ski,” who scored 8 points on 2 or 13 shooting in the deciding Game 6. But please, Nellie, control yourself!

3. New York vs. Indiana (1995): The Knicks held a six-point lead with less than 20 seconds left in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals, before Miller hit a three, stole a sloppy Anthony inbounds pass, and tied the game with another three-ball. John “2 for 19″ Stars then missed two free throws, before Miller, inexplicably fouled by Mason, hit both foul shots and ran into the locker room screaming, “Chokers! Chokers!” Yep, that about says it all right there. And if you’re wondering, this game just barely edges out Teresa Witherspoon’s half-court buzzer beater in the 1999 WNBA Finals for my favorite playoff finish of all-time. I’m completely serious.

4. Orlando vs. Detroit (2003): The eighth-seed Magic took a shocking 3-1 series lead over the heavily-favored Pistons, leading Tracy McGrady to note that it was “nice to finally be in the second round.” Maybe he didn’t know about the rule change? Orlando lost the next three games by an average of twenty points and T-Mac has still not played on a team that has advanced past the first round. Tracy, it’s not on you, and maybe it’s time to give it up?

5. Portland vs. Los Angeles Lakers (2000): You can find Portland under “choke” in the dictionary — no, really, you can. The Blazers held a 15-point lead at the start of the fourth quarter in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals and threw it all away. Wait, does anyone realize that we were minutes away from the Jail Blazers going to the Finals and likely winning the championship? And watching Kobe and Shaq man-hug and pretend to like each other was awkward back then, but it’s on a whole different level now.

6. Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston (2008): The Lakers led by 24 points in the third quarter of Game 4, but lost the game after the Celtics completed the biggest comeback in the NBA Finals since 1971. After winning Game 5, Los Angeles missed their flight to Boston and forfeited Game 6. Oh, right, Kobe and company were drubbed by 39 points, the biggest margin of victory in an NBA championship-clinching game (laughs manically).

7. Dallas vs. Miami (2006): The Mavs won the first two games of the Finals, and Mark Cuban started planning a championship parade. Dallas was up by 13 points with under seven minutes left in Game 3, but ended up blowing the lead and the next three games on a series of missed free throws and botched timeouts. And Dwyane Wade may have gotten a call or two in South Beach…along with herpes.

7. Los Angeles Lakers vs. Phoenix (2006): After losing Game 1, the seventh-seed Lakers won the next three, and looked to close out the Suns in five games. Raja Bell would have none of that, and became the hero of Laker-haters everywhere after clothes-lining Kobe Bryant in Game 5. Kobe, afraid of another ass-kicking, took only three shots in the second half of the deciding seventh game, a 31-point Phoenix win (continues to laugh).

9. Miami vs. New York (1999): The Knicks made an improbable run all the way to the Finals as an eighth seed, defeating the Heat in the first round on an Allan Houston running jumper, though it should be noted that this happened during the fat player lockout shortened season. It’s a little ironic that Latrell Sprewell was on the other side of the choke. And was it all worth it when you consider that it led to Houston’s cap-killing contract? I say, no.

10. New Jersey vs. Boston (2002): The Nets were leading by 21 points in the fourth quarter of Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals, and were then outscored 41-16 by the Celtics the rest of the way.  It’s ranked lower because New Jersey surprisingly rebounded to win the series after going down 2-1, and earned a trip to a Finals sweep at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers (stops laughing).

Honorable Mention:

*Sacramento vs. Los Angeles Lakers (2002): Conspiracy theories aside, the Kings were visibly nervous in Game 7 and missed 14 out of 30 free throws. I’d rather not talk about this.

*Orlando vs. Houston (1995): More of an individual career collapse since the Magic were woefully outmatched in Finals, but has there ever been a more stunning breakdown than Nick Anderson missing four consecutive free throws in the closing seconds of Game 1?

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 1: #4 Portland Trailblazers vs. #5 Houston Rockets.. (more…)