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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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Rashard Lewis has been victimized. And there is only one man that can get to the bottom of this. And that man…is Rashard Lewis.

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(Captain Stan Van Gundy is standing at the bow of the HMS Orlando, proudly looking out at the sea ahead, when he is approached by Acting Lieutenant Vince Carter..)

Carter: Captain, what’s the purpose of this voyage anyway?

Van Gundy: We are sailing to Tahiti to find the elusive breadfruit.

Howard: (smiling)  Mmm, breadfruit!

Carter: The fuck?.. (more…)

From early on his career, Kobe Bryant has tried to sound like Michael Jordan in his interviews, pump his fist in the same manner after hitting a big shot, and stick his tongue out as he drove to the basket. Hell, he’ll probably come back as number 46 after a year on the Dodgers’ AA affiliate. Although Bryant won’t ever match Jordan’s six championships, five MVPs, and 10 league scoring titles, his forth title cements him as the greatest “Air” apparent the NBA has seen to date, with LeBron James and Dwyane Wade trailing closely behind.

Over the last two decades, nearly a dozen players have been labeled as “the next Michael Jordan,” and predictably, very few have come close to living up to such high expectations. Whether it was luck, determination, or pure drive to be the best, Jordan was remarkably durable and consistent, playing in all 82 games in his final season at the age of 40. Here are some players who never materialized into the second coming of MJ, despite oftentimes having excellent NBA careers in their own right.

Harold Miner: Baby Jordan’s two Slam Dunk title are the only thing he has in common with MJ.  Following a stellar career at USC, Miner averaged nine points and 2.2 rebounds in 19 minutes per game over four in the NBA, failing to impress coaches with poor defense and shot selection. After being waived by Cleveland in 1996 (this beauty is a bargain), Miner retired from basketball and now lives in seclusion as a Las Vegas real estate investor. I wonder if he ever runs into Ed O’Bannon.

Isaiah Rider: After winning the 1994 Slam Dunk Contest as high-hopping rookie (pun intended), Rider clashed with coaches and scored four arrests, including assault for kicking a female bar manager. Appropriately traded to the Jail Blazers for super-scrub Bill Curley, he bounced around the league before being released by Denver in 2002.  Rider ultimately matched Jordan’s six titles with six post-NBA arrests, including charges of kidnapping and cocaine possession.

Jerry Stackhouse: A similarly-built 6′6″ prolific scorer out of North Carolina, Stack put up five 20-point seasons over the course of his career, but unlike Jordan, barely shot over 40% from the field and appeared in only 18 playoff games before settling for a reserve role in Dallas. His scoring sharply declined after knee surgery, limiting him to just 4.2 points in 10 games last season. Ever the fashion icon, Stack endorsed the ugliest Fila sneakers ever, and is credited for starting the infamous ballerina tights trend.

Anfernee Hardaway: Penny quickly emerged as a superstar in Orlando, all while his little puppet macked on Tyra Banks by the pool. But after four knee surgeries cost Hardaway much of his athleticism, he became an injury-riddled role player on Phoenix and eventually an afterthought on New York and Miami. Perhaps Penny’s career could’ve turned out differently with a little more luck, and I could’ve been rich for investing $30 in his Topps Finest rookie card.

Grant Hill: It’s easy to forget that as a Piston, Hill was once one of the best all-around athletes in the league, and had endorsement deals with Sprite, McDonald’s, and Fila.  After six seasons in Detroit, he helped the Pistons win a title in 2004 by netting them Ben Wallace in a sign-and-trade with Orlando. Hill missed 374 games over the next seven years, before discovering the benefits of HGH — excuse me, the Suns’ medical staff. He put up 12 points per game in the first 82-game season of his 14-year career.

Tracy McGrady: An all-around amazing athlete, T-Mac captured two scoring titles before back and knee injuries hampered the later stages of his career. But while Jordan made nine All-Defensive Teams, Sleepy’s been routinely exploited by opposing coaches for his lack of focus. And of course, since McGrady is synonymous with playoff failure, it was only fitting that Houston made it past the first round as he sat in street clothes, leading many to question whether the Rockets are a better team without him.

Vince Carter: Another 6′6″ Tar Heels alum, Carter quickly mesmerized fans and media with his ferocious windmill slams and hasn’t put up less than 20 points per game since his rookie season. And yet after demonstrating an embarrasing lack of effort in Toronto and allegedly giving away his team’s plays, he’s earned a reputation as a quitter and chronic underachiever who shies away from pressure. In fact, Vince is clutching his knee in agony after reading this paragraph.

Allen Iverson: We all remember the infamous crossover that shook the great one in his shoes. The ultimate volume shooter, Iverson racked up countless fines, suspensions, and off the court controversies that earned him a me-first reputation he further compounded by refusing to come off the bench last season (something Jordan accepted in Washington). Despite winning an MVP award and capturing four scoring titles, his teams made only one Finals appearance.  Maybe he should’ve practiced a little more.

Honorable Mention:

*Tamir Goodman: Remember the The Jewish Jordan? I didn’t either until a recent NBC piece revealed that he’s now playing in Israel for Maccabi Haifa, happily fulfilling his life dream after a few down years following his high school prominence. And once you get past the money, fame, and beautiful women, isn’t that all that matters? Yeah, I didn’t think so. But at least he’s doing better than Miner.

At the suggestion of the fine gentlemen over at freedarko.com (fine in the gentlemanly sense, not in the “Goddayamn, look’t dat sweet ass!” sense), I have decided to revise the requirements for The Absolute Zero Award (Brought to you by Crystal Pepsi). Ten games simply isn’t enough of a sample size in order to properly analyze who is the worst player in the NBA. A ten-day contract here or there can get you some pretty crappy players. But we here at lowposts.com are looking for a different kind of crappy. A special kind of crappy.

Every day crappy. The kind of crappy that steps on that hardwood floor for a couple minutes every other day, just stands there and says “Man, I’m crappy.” And then gets dunked on by a 48-year-old Vince Carter. Now that’s crappy. (more…)

We’ve previously looked at one side of the unique connection between rap and basketball — NBA players who’ve tried to (unsuccessfully) release rap albums.   A much more common phenomenon in today’s hip-hop/hoops era finds rappers mentioning basketball players in their lyrics.  In fact, it’s almost impossible to listen to a rap album and not hear a musician compare himself or his counterparts to his favorite players, usually with something lame like, “I’m number one like Tracy McGrady.”  There were probably more clichéd references to Shaq missing free throws in the mid-’90’s than, well, the actual number of missed free throws by the big man.  While Michael Jordan, LeBron James, and Allen Iverson, to name a few, have been name-dropped hundreds of times (according to Slam, Jordan has been acknowledged over 150 times himself), here are some of the more original and memorable rap lyrics that mention NBA stars.

Clyde, Rick Barry, and Pistol Pete,
Now these players, could never be beat,
Isiah, and Iceman too,
Just give ‘em the ball, and then you talk up too,
Dantley and Wilkins are on the scene,
And Ralph Sampson is really mean,
Bill Russell didn’t take no junk,
And Darryl Dawkins got a monster dunk

– Kurtis Blow “Basketball” (1984)

A hip-hop pioneer and a knowledgeable NBA fan, Kurtis Blow referred to dozens of other NBA superstars such as Julius Erving, Wilt Chamberlain, and Magic Johnson in his hit single. While the lyrics and video are badly outdated — not to mention that Blow is a dead-ringer for Dave Chappelle’s Prince — the song was monumental in establishing an early connection between rap and basketball. It’s since been used in commercials, including the Lil’ Penny ads, and was unfortunately remade by Lil’ Bow Wow in 2002 . Let’s just pretend that never happened.

Max mostly, undivided, then slide in, sickenin’
Guaranteed, made em jump like Rod Strickland

– Wu-Tang Clan “Triumph” (1997)

I have no idea why rappers love Strickland so much. Not only is he also mentioned on “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing Ta F’ With,” but his name appears on Pharoahe Monch’s “Official,” (”I walk the earth with my Rod in this Strick-land”), DMX’s “Sincerity” (”straight to the hole, like Rod Strickland”), and Method Man’s “Evil Streets” (”then the plot thickens, on point like Rod Strickland”). Is it just because his name is so easy to rhyme?  It’s too bad that Strick’s propensity to puke hot dogs during Wizards games (I actually saw this live once) never made it into a song.

“Who slam harder? Onyx or Vince Carter? (ONYX!)” – Onyx, “Slam Harder” (2002)

Carter’s name is found on countless rap songs, including the chorus of this commercial single. The funny thing is that by 2002, Vince wasn’t really slamming anymore, sitting out with a knee injury and eventually declaring that he “[didn't] want to dunk anymore.” “Slam Harder” was supposed to be Onyx’s comeback anthem, a follow-up to their 1993 hit “Slam,” but never translated into good album sales. The lesson here, as Raptors fans will be quick to tell you, is don’t rely on Vince Carter for anything.

Worry, I’m not Mike Jordan, of the mic recordin’
Hovi, baby, you Kobe, maybe Tracy McGrady
Matter fact, you Harold Miner, J.R. Rider, washed up on marijuana
Even worse you a Pervis Ellis, you worthless, fella
You ain’t no athlete, you Shawn Bradley

– Jay-Z “Pump It Up [Remix]” (2003)

Jay-Z is no stranger to NBA similes, foreshadowing his own comeback on “Encore,” (”come back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5“), and likening his competitors to Sam Bowie on “Hola Hovito.”  His verse on the remix of Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up” prompted rumors of a feud between the two rappers. If Jay-Z was really battling Budden, himself no stranger to “NBA” allusions, then throwing in four of the biggest busts in league history (including, quite fittingly, Baby Jordan) in a four-bar span was a knock-out punch.

During last season’s playoffs, a war of words between DeShawn Stevenson and LeBron James, who compared the Wizards guard to rapper Soulja Boy, led Jay-Z back in the booth.  The part owner of the New Jersey Nets recorded a Stevenson diss track, “Blow the Whistle,” and is currently working on a new record for LeBron, “To Live and Die in NJ,” to be released in the summer of 2010.

And y’all scared, I can tell / that Im’a get Bucks like Milwaukee, cause like Sam, I Cassell.  – Jadakiss, Put Ya Hands Up (2001)

It’s interesting to hear Cassell’s name pop up so often, since like Strickland, he was never a star player. He’s renowned for being clutch and looking like an alien, both of which are prominently covered by rappers: Drag-On (”And keep a guard wit ya that shoot, like Sam Cassell”); Cassidy (”And if I don’t sell, and plans should fail, man it’d get ugly like Sam Cassell”); and Redman (”Call me the Sam Cassell, shots two minute on the clock, cops know the SL handle well”). I only have one request — can someone make a testicle dance video before Sam retires?

“I’m just Kidd-in’ like Jason.” — Nelly, “Hot in Herre” (2002)

Nelly made a quick (and not particularly witty) play on words using Jason Kidd’s name on his biggest hit. Seriously though, Nelly, is that the best you could do, considering all we know about the husband of the year? How about, “I spit rhymes like J-Kidd spits french fries?” Yeah, this is probably why I’m not a rapper.

Quick Hits:

Snoop Dogg, Hoop Dreams (1999): Snoop imagines playing point guard for the Lakers and even makes a couple of transactions: “And we traded for a few players, some Pacers, Miller and Mullin, and now they Lakers.” Maybe the Clippers should consider hiring him instead of Isiah for that executive position?

Jay-Z, “La, La, La (Excuse Me Again)” (2004): “And I’m the Franchise like the Houston Rockets…” Just imagine Steve Francis’ excitement here, right before Jay finishes the line with, “…Yao Ming!”  Burn!

Wu-Tang Clan, “Starter” (2007):  “You’s starter, like Candace Parker, take flight like Skywalker, might wolf it on ya father.”  The whole first verse is about Candace Parker, and believe me, it only gets worse from here.

Wu-Tang Clan, “Soul in the Hole” (1999): “Sore losers take off they jersey, cause they ain’t James Worthy.”

Public Enemy, “Rebel Without a Pause” (1988): “I’ll throw it down your throat like Barkley.”

The Roots, “Ain’t Sayin’ Nothing New” (1999):  “I just back-slap that ass like Shaq did Ostertag.”

Nas, “These Are Our Heroes” (2004): “From OJ to Kobe, uh let’s call him Tobe … Yo, you can’t do better than that? The hotel clerk who adjusts the bathroom mat?”

Nelly Furtado: “Promiscuous,” (2006): “Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?”  It’s not rap, but it features and is produced by Timbaland.

Gnarls Barkley: the group name; Cee-Lo was a rapper in his former life.

Styles P, “Good Times (I Get High)” (2005): No rap references in the lyrics, but, um, is that Jalen Rose DJing at the 2:41 and 3:06 marks??

The only rapper who’s come close to playing in the NBA is Percy “Master P” Miller — hard as it is to believe now — who was on the preseason rosters of the Charlotte Hornets in 1998 and the Toronto Raptors in 1999.  Although he never appeared in a regular season game, he put out a mixtape in honor of his achivements.  Maybe one day, his son, Lil’ Romeo, a rap artist in his early teens who currently plays for USC will become the first true rapper-turned-baller. (Checks Romeo Miller’s stats).  Maybe not.

(Kobe Bryant enters a vortex that sends him throttling through the nexis of the universe and onto an alternate Earth where he lands at the feet of Earth-2 Kobe..)

Kobe: Holy crap.

Alternate Kobe: Are you alright?

Kobe: Are you…me? (more…)

As much as I like a few current NBA player commercials, such as the Charles Barkley and Dwyane Wade T-Mobile spots, they just don’t have the same charm as the late ’80s and mid-’90’s classics. Today’s generation of NBA stars dream of being actors and global icons, and as a result, the more polished and better-written advertisements often end up being less interesting and memorable. Instead of showcasing the ‘best’ commercials of all-time, here’s a list of the funniest ones ever made.

1. Larry Bird, Chardon Jeans: I don’t think it’s possible to have a more awesome commercial where the star doesn’t even have to say a word. You gotta love the grinding roller-skating waitresses and cheesy ’80’s music, but is Bird’s ass pressed up against the arcade game supposed to sell jeans?  When did the hick from French Lick become a sex symbol? This Celtics restaurant ad deserves to be mentioned here, too, if only we had better quality.

2. Magic Johnson, Kentucky Fried Chicken: We already know that Magic’s attempt at a late-night talk show failed miserably, and that was after he took speech lessons. It’s actually hard to understand how his on-the-court charisma never translated to the camera. There are quite a few awful Magic commercials from the late ’80’s and early ’90’s, but this absurd KFC ad is my favorite, just barely edging out his anti-drug PSA, “Don’t Foul Out!”  Can you tell he’s reading cue-cards?

3. Shaquille O’Neal, All-Sport: Shaq commercials could take up the next seven spots, since he had several terrible Pepsi ones, and this borderline-homoerotic Taco Bell ad with Hakeem Olajuwon (whoever thought this was a good idea should be fired). But the All-Sport one takes the cake for being so corny and badly out-dated, and plus, is it just me, or does the ball not even go in on Shaq’s over-the-shoulder, full court shot at the end? They couldn’t even get that right?

4. Larry Johnson, Converse: I had a Larry Johnson “Grandmama” poster on my wall as a kid, and I remember my mom thinking it was really weird. Looking back back now, I couldn’t agree more. I mean, why in the world would you dress up an NBA superstar as an elderly drag-queen, and does anyone understand what’s going on in these commercials?  It’s just laughably bad, and I’m getting more and more creeped out every time I play it.  Let’s move on.

5. Gheorge Muresan, Snickers: One of few intentionally funny commercials on the list, this Muresan spoof on Michael Jordan cologne is absolutely brilliant — major props to the big man for being such a good sport. There’s another Muresan ad that my friends and I loved, where he misses a shot and then says, “Score one for the kids!” I would honestly buy anything this hilarious man tried to sell me…well, except a copy of “My Giant.”

6. Vince Carter, Nike: Another head-scratcher — Vince Carter doing cartwheels and somersaults down the street in a Craig Sager-esque purple suit, rescuing a cat out of a tree and shooting it back to the owner like a fade-away jumper…makes perfect sense to me.  And did Joe Budden need cash that badly to provide the music?  It’s too bad it cuts off after 59 seconds, and we don’t get to see Carter falling to the floor and clutching his leg in agony for the next 15 minutes.

7. Darryl Dawkins, Wheaties: This would’ve been higher on the list if Mr. Chocolate Thunder had more than just a single bar to rap — a gimmick which of course, never fails when it comes to athletes — but he makes the most of what he’s given. If I’m not mistaken, the line is, “Before I slam my gorilla dunkies, I get the eaties for my Wheaties.” Oh, just imagine the comedy if only Dawkins had decided to venture out into a music career…then again, he’d still be better than Shaq or Kobe.

8. Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, Mark Aguirre, Bernard King, Larry Bird, Converse: Speaking of NBA players trying to rap, this classic Converse commercial features several ’80’s stars showing off their funky flows about the Converse Weapon.  Shockingly, Kevin McHale comes the closest to actually being on-beat, while Bird doesn’t even try to rap and flat-out says his lines. And no, I have no idea what Magic is trying to do here either.

9. Penny Hardaway, Nike: I’m sure everyone loved these Lil’ Penny commercials back in the day, which featured Chris Rock’s voice and appearances from Tyra Banks (back when she was damn fine) and Spike Lee. They were all pretty funny — I’m guessing limited dialogue for Penny and a professional comedian helped a little. I remembering thinking it was so cool to say Lil’ Penny’s lines on the basketball court…I regret that decision now.

10. Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, McDonalds: No list would be complete with this classic, which is arguably the most famous NBA commercial ever made.  Two legends playing a crazy game of horse is enough to warrant a chuckle by itself, but Bird’s, um, “acting” — it’s not a coincidence that he lands in three of the top ten — and Jordan’s ridiculous shirt pattern take it to another level. Oh, and I’m not sure why, but the voice-overs in this Spanish version just kill me.

Honorable Mention:

*Dominique Wilkins, Danny Ainge, Byron Scott, Doc Rivers, Nike:  Which name doesn’t belong?
*Charles Barkley, Reebok:  Not really sure what’s going on here…
*David Robison and Gary Payton, Nike:  ‘The Glove’ always comes through.
*Shawn Kemp, Reebok: Similar to the Barkley one, but even more confusing.
*Brent Barry, HEB:  It’s a local ad, but wow…
*Classic Sprite:  No NBA players, but it’s still one of the funniest basketball-themed ads ever.

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)

It’s hard to believe that Kevin McHale lasted 13 seasons as the Minnesota Timberwolves’ Vice President of Basketball Operations.  Often regarded as the NBA’s worst GM this side of Isiah Thomas, he made countless terrible decisions that cost his team dearly (most notably perhaps, the infamous Joe Smith fiasco).  But we here at lowposts.com don’t kick people when they’re down — and after all, he was named the best general manager in all of sports by Forbes last season.  In honor of McHale’s firing — excuse me, “stepping down” — let’s take a look at the worst moves of his era…by other GMs.  Part I will focus on trades, and subsequent parts will explore free agent signings and draft picks.

1. Dallas Mavericks trade the draft rights to Robert “Tractor” Traylor to the Milwaukee Bucks for the rights to Dirk Nowitzki and the rights to Pat Garrity.

Yeah…that sure worked out well for the Bucks. Dirk went on to become a perennial All-Star and the first European MVP award winner, while Traylor would lead the league in Big Macs chomped per minute and tax evasion schemes. It should also be noted that the Mavs immidiately flipped the rights to Garrity — along with Martin Muursepp, Bubba Wells, and a future first round draft pick — to the Suns for Steve Nash. As horrible as that looks on paper, Phoenix made out better than exepected. The Suns selected Shawn Marion with the pick, and later brought a supposedly over-the-hill Nash back to the desert for his two MVP seasons.

2. Toronto Raptors trade Vince Carter to the New Jersey Nets for Eric Williams, Aaron Williams, Alonzo Mourning and two 1st round draft picks.

Since Alonzo “Phantom Raptor” Mourning refused to even make the trip to Canada, Toronto gave away Carter for just about nothing…unless you count Joey Graham, who was selected with one of those acquired draft picks (the other one was traded to New York). Sure, Carter wanted out and made his displeasure very obvious, but couldn’t the Raptors get a little more for a perennial All-Star? Like, I don’t know, some home-cooked food and clean drawers?

3. Chicago Bulls trade Eddy Curry and Antonio Davis to the New York Knicks for Tim Thomas, Michael Sweetney, Jermaine Jackson, and two future first round picks.

Let’s see — one the one hand, we have a one-dimensional, overpriced, overweight player who can’t grab a rebound and has a career-threatening heart condition. One the other, we have Tim Thomas, who played three games for the Bulls, and Jermaine Jackson who was cut. At least those draft picks didn’t amount to anything worthwhile — just LaMarcus Aldridge(#2 in 2006) and Joakim Noah (#9 in 2007). Impressive fleece job by Zeke, no?

4. Washington Wizards trade Kwame Brown and Laron Profit to the Los Angeles Lakers for Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins.

Remember that this trade comes on the heels of the widely-criticized Shaquille O’Neal trade, in which the Lakers acquired Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant, and a first round pick for the big man.  Yet, while Shaq led Miami to a title in his second season, his skills sharply declined and he would be later moved for Shawn Marion; plus, that draft pick was used on the promising Jordan Farmar.  But Kwame for Caron Butler? The Lakers really wish they could have a mulligan on that one, since “Birthday Cake” Brown would shockingly fail to impress Phil Jackson with his toughness, while Butler blossomed into one of the top forwards in the league with the Wiz.

5.  Charlotte Hornets trade the draft rights to Kobe Bryant to the Los Angeles Lakers for Vlade Divac.

At the end of the day, it’s a bad trade when you consider that Kobe would become one of the best players in the world and team up with Shaq to win three championships in Los Angeles. But if you’re wondering why this deal isn’t ranked higher, let’s remember a few key components. Kobe was expected to be a top-five pick, until he refused to workout for any teams except the Knicks and Lakers.  He even insisted that he’d play in Europe if another team were to take him — he’s grown so much since those days.   The Hornets selected him at number 13 overall, and ended up with an All-Star caliber center in Divac, who helped Charlotte reach the postseason in both of his seasons on the team.   Oh, and isn’t it fun to watch Kobe squirm uncomfortably in his Hornets cap on draft night?

6.  New Orleans Hornets send Baron Davis to the Golden State Warriors for Speedy Claxton and Dale Davis.

Read those names again, and please tell me what the Hornets were thinking here.  It’s not like Davis was an All-Star and All-NBA team member or anything (what, you mean, he was???).  Okay, so he missed a few games games and didn’t get along with Byron Scott, but that’s the best they could do?  Not-so-speedy Claxton would play 87 games over two seasons, and 35-year-old Dale Davis contributed a whopping 3.1 points in just 35 appearances.  Baron Davis, meanwhile, helped revitalize a struggling Warriors franchise, shattered Andrei Kirilenko’s confidence, and brought more of the beautiful Ms. Alba into our lives.

7.  Houston Rockets trade Richard Jefferson, Jason Collins, and Brandon Armstrong to the New Jersey Nets for Eddie Griffin.

A lot of critics felt the Nets were making a huge mistake by trading Griffin, who appeared to have an unprecedented skillset.  And yet, Jefferson and Collins were starters on back-to-back Nets Finals teams, while Griffin (RIP) never came close to realizing his full potential…well, except for that time in his SUV.

8. Washington Wizards trade Chris Webber to the Sacramento Kings for Mitch Richmond and Otis Thorpe.

The Wizards took a huge step backwards by dealing Webber in his prime for Richmond, who was entering the downside for his career.  Although Webber missed a lot of games with a dislocated shoulder, and had off the court troubles with the law in DC, he would transform the laughing stock Kings into an instant title contender.  The Wizards, captained by Richmond, Rod Strickland, and Juwan Howard, would fail to win more than 29 games in three seasons, before Michael Jordan mercifully relinquished his title of Director of Basketball Operations and destroyed his knees on the court.

9. Memphis Grizzlies trade Pau Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers for Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittendon, Marc Gasol, Aaron McKie’s corpse, and two future 1st round draft picks (2008 and 2010).

Call me crazy, but I don’t think this trade is as bad as everyone has made it out to be.  Yes, the Grizz could’ve gotten more, and Pau channeled his inner Vince Carter and started trying again in Los Angeles.  But the Grizzlies didn’t win a single playoff game during the Gasol era, and decided to rebuild: Brown’s expiring contract came off the books, Marc Gasol has played very well in his first season, and the 2008 pick turned out to be Donte Greene, who was shipped to the Rockets for Darrell Arthur and a 2009 second-rounder.  Plus, they have another 1st rounder next season.  Wait, did I just compliment Chris Wallace??

10. Minnesota Timberwolves trade Sam Cassell and a future first round draft pick for Marko Jaric

I know, I said no McHale trades, but come on! He made this deal right after the Wolves finally broke through and reached the Western Conference Finals, and then signed Jaric to a cap-killing five-year, $37 million extension. Plus, he refused to feed Latrell Sprewell’s family!

Dishonorable Mention:

*Detroit Pistons trade Grant Hill to the Orlando Magic for Ben Wallace and Chucky Atkins.

*Atlanta Hawks trade Rasheed Wallace to the Detroit Pistons for Bob Sura, Zeljko Rebraca, and a lottery-protected first round pick (Mil).

*Boston Celtics trade Joe Johnson, Randy Brown, Milt Palacio and a first round pick to the Phoenix Suns for Rodney Rodgers and Tony Delk.