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In a sport where players get extreme close-ups on every trip to the foul line (although Hedo Turkoglu might single-handedly put a stop to that), the NBA still manages to maintain some highly questionable grooming habits. Whether it’s a fashion statement, a gentleman’s bet, or just pure laziness, we’ve seen some truly awful facial hair over the years. But before we get to the league’s worst offenders, let’s take a quick look at some of the smoothest, best-groomed, and most big pimpin’ beards in NBA history.

Baron Davis

Walt Frazier

Larry Johnson

Baron Davis: Boom-Dizzle took cues from fellow bay-area players Ice Cube and Rick Ross, and sported a well-groomed beard that would make Kimbo Slice proud.

Walt “Clyde” Frazier: There’s no way Clyde would get “re-jected” when he was shakin’ and bakin’ with that classic ’80s specimen of a beard. No play for gray, indeed.

Larry Johnson: I truly believe the famous four-point play never happens without this beauty. Even Grandmama wishes she had one like that back in the day.

Kurt Rambis: Because when has a caterpillar mustache ever not looked good?

And now, without further adeu, it’s time to introduce the pantheon of the ugliest NBA facial hair of all-time. Players received bonus points for multiple beard styles and/or blatant disregard for hygiene.

Drew Gooden: The Osama Bin Gooden was one thing, but this half-Dave-Navarro-rocker, half-octopus concoction is outrageous…ly awesome. But at least he, um, “won” the beard-growing contest with Deshawn Stevenson (more on him later).

Pau Gasol: I’m curious to know what inspired Pau to go from clean-shaven straight to Eurotrash. Maybe he saw Castaway for the first time that summer. At least his brother Marc is somewhat trying not to look like the Geico caveman’s body double. Okay, on second thought, not really.

Scot Pollard: We covered the many looks of Scot Pollard once before, from the crazy mutton chops to the colorful dye jobs, but this monstrosity warrants another look. It’s a beard and it’s braided. Need I say more?

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Big Z sported a massive playoff beard in 2006, until he “got [tired of having] to comb it” in the morning.  Gross. It looked like the combined forces of time and gravity gradually pulled the hair off his head and onto his face.

Brian Skinner: Is Skinner’s King Tut-throwback, Ying Yang Twins-approved, half-blond goatee enough to officially make him the Black Scot Pollard? I say, yes. And that’s not a compliment by any stretch of the imagination.

Bill Walton: Walton himself proclaimed it was “the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan’s beard look good.” Little known fact: the character of Teen Wolf was actually inspired by Walton’s fire-red Abe Lincoln beard.

DeShawn Stevenson: Clearly, DeShawn couldn’t feel his face because it was covered with a used Brillo pad. But perhaps he should grow it back after shooting a putrid 31% from the field when he finally shaved last season.

Gregg Popovich: Pop was either trying to intimidate Spurs’ opponents and arch-nemesis Joey Crawford by looking like the Unabomber on the sidelines, or simply decided to grow a Chia pet on his chin.

Yao Ming: Yao promised he’d shave his patchy um, “beard” if the Chinese team made it to the Olympic semifinal, but inexplicably believing scraggly, prepubescent peach-fuzz was en vogue, continued to sport it during the following NBA season (as much as he tried to cover it up).

Mark Eaton: Sure, Eaton kept his thick beard clean and neatly-trimmed, but it’s not often that a seven-footer gets routinely mistaken for a lumberjack off the court.

Dishonorable Mention:

*Adam Morrison: Speaking of wispy mustaches, we don’t want to get on (NBA champion!) Morrison yet again, but that barely-visible lip sweater made him look like a sixth-grader who desperately wanted to look “grown up” in middle school.

*Brian Winters: I’m not sure I understand what’s going on here, but I believe Winters’ chin gave birth to a beehive.

*Phil Jackson: Phil may have more rings than Popovich, but his Colonel Sanders beard doesn’t hold candle to Pop’s masterpiece. Although this old school look sure comes close.

*World B. Free: Much like Big Z, Free’s wasn’t actually losing hair on his head…it was just migrating down his cheeks and resting on his face.

*Greg Oden: slowly on its way to reaching Gooden proportions.

There’s a lot to an athlete’s name. A professional ball player is a worldwide celebrity whose likeness appears on television, official league websites, and countless publications. While most athletes’ names sound common or “normal,” quite a few, such as Rusty Kuntz and Dick Trickle, or even Luol Deng or Rudy Gay, are hard to say with a straight face. Sometimes, even initials like B.J. end up sounding awkward and uncomfortable when they’re mentioned by TV announcers. Here are some of the coolest and funniest (non-nickname) names we’ve heard in the NBA.

1. Boniface N’Dong: I’m sure it’s not really pronounced this way (or so I hope), but I prefer to read it as “bony face and dong.” Either way, it sounds like an awful porn name or a really uncomfortable sex position.

2. God Shammgod: I’m not sure which of these things is more offensive — naming your child “God,” or guaranteeing a future identity crisis when he realizes his last name indicates that he’s, in fact, a false deity.

3. Von Wafer: On the one hand, “Wafer,” a crisp, dry biscuit, is one of the least intimidating names for an NBA player (unless he had a horrifying Communion experience). On the other hand, he could really give Count Chocula a run for his money. Von Wafers sound delicious!

4. Uwe Blab: Not only does it sound like a bad euphemism for taking care of business (”Someone left a nasty Uwe Blab in the third stall”), but it also makes me think of the old school X-Men arcade game villain that yelled, “Nobody beats the Blob!” when you fought him. Little known fact — it’s Mike D’Antoni’s pet nickname for Eddy Curry.

5. Royal Ivey:  Now there’s a name I want to have when I’m picking up girls in a bar (Stromile Swift comes a close second). It sounds intriguing but still gives off that street vibe. And if that wasn’t gangster enough, his nickname is “Cheese,” a reference to the classic Pulp Fiction scene.

6. Travis Outlaw: I picture tumbleweeds rolling in the wind and a good ole fashioned gun fight in a Western. It’s also a shame he never had a chance to play on the Jail Blazers with that moniker, robbing us of some fantastic headlines.

7. World B. Free: His birth name is Lloyd Bernard Free, and I think changing it was a little gimmicky. I just wanted to use this time to once again laugh at his hilarious balding afro. This will never get old.

8. Zaza Pachulia / Kiki Vandeweghe: If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear these are the names of a couple of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. Good luck trying to get that mental image out of your head.

9. Luther Head: Do I go with a “they paid too much for Head,” a “which team will get Head,” or a simple “I used to love Head in Houston” joke here? It’s an impossible decision. I haven’t tried, but this might also work with Wang Zhizhi.

10. Chubby Cox:  Yes, he was a real NBA player. Do I really need to explain?

Honorable Mention:

*Kosta Koufos / Cheikh Samb: I like mine with vegetables and chickpeas.

The Human Beatbox

*Ruben Bomutje-Boumtje: I learned how to beatbox by repeating his name over and over again on the train to work. I think I’m ready to move on to the Kelenna Azubuike remix version.

*O.J Mayo: How did he know my favorite juice and condiment combination?

*Vinny Del Negro: Because he’s white! Ha!

*Quincy Douby: Josh Howard is a big fan.

*Carlos Boozer: Insert Vin Baker joke here.

*Zarko Cabarkapa:  Cool…

*Didier Ilunga-Mbenga: …cooler…

*Nana Papa Yaw Mensah-Bonsu:  …almost there…

*Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo: …classic.

I’ve been fascinated by afros ever since I was a little kid.   When I was growing up, I wanted a ‘fro more than anything in the world, and constantly begged my mother to let me get a perm for my wavy hair.  In hindsight, I’m glad she didn’t listen, because I could never pull of a cool-looking Jewfro (at least, not as well as “Fletch“).

To make up for the lack of awesome afros in the early ’90’s — the apparent peak of the flat top era — I frequented local sports card shows, searching for new, um, hair-raising items to add to my collection.  The ABA was the jackpot of amazing afros during the 1970’s.  Among my favorites were classic styles worn by the likes of Darnell Hillman and Julius Erving, the Chia Pet on the head of Randy Denton, and Michael Jackson’s “thriller.”  The unintentionally hilarious balding ‘fro would later find its way into the NBA, courtesy of World B. Free.

Thankfully, the late ’90’s and early 2000’s marked the triumphant return of the ‘fro, starting with Ben Wallace.  Big Ben was one of the first players to switch between the increasingly popular cornrows and afro hairstyles from game to game.  Although the trend never caught on as much as one would’ve liked, it game us a handful of memorable appearances, such as the ones below.

Ben Wallace

Shaun Livingston

Ricky Davis

Darius Miles

Moochie Norris

Ronny Turiaf

For a short time, several NBA superstars got into the act, popularizing the ‘baby afro’ look in the mid-2000’s.  It’s a shame that Gilbert Arenas may have kept his bushy hairstyle a little longer, had it not been for an unfortunate conditioning incident.  Even the usually plain-vanilla Tim Duncan busted out a fantastic mini-fro for the beginning 2004/05 season, before eventually going back to his patented bald look.

Kobe Bryant

Gilbert Arenas

Tim Duncan

Unfortunately, those hairstyles are long gone, and today’s NBA has a disturbing lack of hair creativity.  Ben Wallace’s ‘fro is tired, and it’s only a matter of time before he starts looking like the aforementioned World B. Free (sorry, I just can’t get enough of that photo).  I don’t know what Anderson Varejao, Robin Lopez, and Joakim Noah have going right now, but those are not afros.  They look more like Sideshow Bob or Corbin Bleu admirers than Dr. J fans.  To top if off, the only man who’s maintained a true ‘fro since coming into the league, Josh Childress, is now representing in Greece.  And it’ll be at least a year until we see Brandon Jennings’ old school flat top on the NBA hardwood.  We’re close to reaching a crisis stage here, people.  If David Stern needs to get involved here, I’m okay with that — whatever it takes.  Just bring back the ‘fro!

Josh Childress

Anderson Varejao

Robin Lopez