Somebody get that midget a cupcake with a candle in it!

Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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Yao Ming is by far my favorite non-Blazer in the NBA. Why? Everything he does is hilarious. Why? Because he’s 7′ 6″ and Chinese. I could go on and on about Asian stereotypes but I figure why not just use Yahoo Answers. I like Yahoo Answers because everyone that uses it is stupid.

LindaB, the reins:

HOLY SHIT.

I POUR PUS ON MY CEREAL EVERY MORNING?!

You only live once so do what I do and drink whole milk. It probably has extra pus.

Anyway, Yao’s tall and that’s why he’s funny. After the jump we examine the Chinese Unicorn.

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Ming: (pouting)  My anchor!

McGrady: Christ, will you shut up already? Nobody cares about your flippin’ anchor.

(A mother, holding her baby, glares at T-Mac and he glares back..)

Ming: Tracy, rub my anchor.

McGrady: Fuck no! (more…)

(Yao Ming enters Paramount Leader Hu Jintao’s office..)

Jintao: (playing online Chinese checkers)  How can I keep losing at this? I Chinese!

Ming: You wanted to see me, my most peaceful supreme leader?

Jintao: Ah, Yao! Good to see you, my boy. Please sit!

Ming: (sits)

Jintao: Now. You have spent the past seven years with the Americans. It is time for your report. What have you learned?

Ming: Shaq so funny! (more…)

In a sport where players get extreme close-ups on every trip to the foul line (although Hedo Turkoglu might single-handedly put a stop to that), the NBA still manages to maintain some highly questionable grooming habits. Whether it’s a fashion statement, a gentleman’s bet, or just pure laziness, we’ve seen some truly awful facial hair over the years. But before we get to the league’s worst offenders, let’s take a quick look at some of the smoothest, best-groomed, and most big pimpin’ beards in NBA history.

Baron Davis

Walt Frazier

Larry Johnson

Baron Davis: Boom-Dizzle took cues from fellow bay-area players Ice Cube and Rick Ross, and sported a well-groomed beard that would make Kimbo Slice proud.

Walt “Clyde” Frazier: There’s no way Clyde would get “re-jected” when he was shakin’ and bakin’ with that classic ’80s specimen of a beard. No play for gray, indeed.

Larry Johnson: I truly believe the famous four-point play never happens without this beauty. Even Grandmama wishes she had one like that back in the day.

Kurt Rambis: Because when has a caterpillar mustache ever not looked good?

And now, without further adeu, it’s time to introduce the pantheon of the ugliest NBA facial hair of all-time. Players received bonus points for multiple beard styles and/or blatant disregard for hygiene.

Drew Gooden: The Osama Bin Gooden was one thing, but this half-Dave-Navarro-rocker, half-octopus concoction is outrageous…ly awesome. But at least he, um, “won” the beard-growing contest with Deshawn Stevenson (more on him later).

Pau Gasol: I’m curious to know what inspired Pau to go from clean-shaven straight to Eurotrash. Maybe he saw Castaway for the first time that summer. At least his brother Marc is somewhat trying not to look like the Geico caveman’s body double. Okay, on second thought, not really.

Scot Pollard: We covered the many looks of Scot Pollard once before, from the crazy mutton chops to the colorful dye jobs, but this monstrosity warrants another look. It’s a beard and it’s braided. Need I say more?

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Big Z sported a massive playoff beard in 2006, until he “got [tired of having] to comb it” in the morning.  Gross. It looked like the combined forces of time and gravity gradually pulled the hair off his head and onto his face.

Brian Skinner: Is Skinner’s King Tut-throwback, Ying Yang Twins-approved, half-blond goatee enough to officially make him the Black Scot Pollard? I say, yes. And that’s not a compliment by any stretch of the imagination.

Bill Walton: Walton himself proclaimed it was “the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan’s beard look good.” Little known fact: the character of Teen Wolf was actually inspired by Walton’s fire-red Abe Lincoln beard.

DeShawn Stevenson: Clearly, DeShawn couldn’t feel his face because it was covered with a used Brillo pad. But perhaps he should grow it back after shooting a putrid 31% from the field when he finally shaved last season.

Gregg Popovich: Pop was either trying to intimidate Spurs’ opponents and arch-nemesis Joey Crawford by looking like the Unabomber on the sidelines, or simply decided to grow a Chia pet on his chin.

Yao Ming: Yao promised he’d shave his patchy um, “beard” if the Chinese team made it to the Olympic semifinal, but inexplicably believing scraggly, prepubescent peach-fuzz was en vogue, continued to sport it during the following NBA season (as much as he tried to cover it up).

Mark Eaton: Sure, Eaton kept his thick beard clean and neatly-trimmed, but it’s not often that a seven-footer gets routinely mistaken for a lumberjack off the court.

Dishonorable Mention:

*Adam Morrison: Speaking of wispy mustaches, we don’t want to get on (NBA champion!) Morrison yet again, but that barely-visible lip sweater made him look like a sixth-grader who desperately wanted to look “grown up” in middle school.

*Brian Winters: I’m not sure I understand what’s going on here, but I believe Winters’ chin gave birth to a beehive.

*Phil Jackson: Phil may have more rings than Popovich, but his Colonel Sanders beard doesn’t hold candle to Pop’s masterpiece. Although this old school look sure comes close.

*World B. Free: Much like Big Z, Free’s wasn’t actually losing hair on his head…it was just migrating down his cheeks and resting on his face.

*Greg Oden: slowly on its way to reaching Gooden proportions.

Well, now that Dan Shaughnessy & Bob Ryan are in full Red Sox/Look-At-How-These-Caucasians-Play-The-Game-The-Right-Way Mode; I need someone else to unleash my copyright infringing scorn upon. And since I live in Los Angeles now, walking upon streets paved with dead dreams and deader souls, I might as well spread that scorn around. Like a freshly-composted garden.

And who is the impetus of compost-like LA sportswriting? One Mr. Bill Plaschke.

To the Hatercycle! (more…)

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon (562 BC)

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The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 2: #1 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #5 Houston Rockets.. (more…)

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 1: #4 Portland Trailblazers vs. #5 Houston Rockets.. (more…)