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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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There are two rules for being a successful NBA franchise. The first is don’t hire Isiah Thomas as your general manager. The second is steer clear of rookies who don’t want to play for your team. At least the Timberwolves got one of those right. As much as David Kahn wants to insist that drafting Ricky Rubio was the right move, it’s strikingly reminiscent of the Clippers drafting Danny Ferry in 1989, who immediately bolted to Italy (best decision he’s ever made), and more recently, the Magic drafting Fran Vázquez in 2005, who much like Rubio, gave no initial indication that he’d return to Spain rather than play in the NBA. The fact is, history has shown that drafting players against their wishes rarely ends well for teams who try to test their luck.

The Grizzlies selected Steve Francis second overall in the 1999 NBA Draft (over Baron Davis, Lamar Odom, and Shawn Marion) despite the fact that the Maryland guard publicly announced that he had no intention of playing in Vancouver. After nearly convincing him to sign with the team — Francis even filmed a shelved ESPN commercial where he revealed that his holdout was over his dislike of Canadian bacon — the Grizzlies were forced to trade the future three-time All-Star to the Rockets. In return, Vancouver acquired the poo-poo platter of Michael Dickerson, Othella Harrington, Antoine Carr and Brent Price, and shockingly began losing fan support and money. The team moved to Memphis within two years, all because “The Franchise” ruined, well, the franchise. In an ironic twist of fate, Francis was dealt by Houston back to the Grizzlies last season, but once again never suited up after immediately getting bought-out and waived.

Two years ago, the Bucks decided to draft Yi Jianlian, even after his agent Dan “Jack Woltz” Fegan insisted that his client would never play in Milwaukee. Yi eventually received an offer he couldn’t refuse — a guaranteed starting job and significant playing time. He put up a paltry 8.6 points on a 26-win Bucks team, and turned out to be (at least) three years older than the listed age on his Chinese documents. Milwaukee traded Yi to the Nets for Richard Jefferson after one disappointing season, and a year later, managed to turn the sixth pick in a strong 2007 draft class into three expiring contracts.

Going back further, in 1992, Jim Jackson, drafted fourth overall by the Mavericks, refused to report to the team and missed the majority of his rookie season after a lengthy contract dispute (this was, of course, before the days of the rookie salary cap, implemented after Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson demanded a ludicrous 13-year, $100 million contract). Jackson and Jason Kidd, two of the three “J’s” who were supposed to lead the Mavs back to prominence, allegedly became involved in a love triangle with R&B singer Toni Braxton and insisted they’d never breathe again on the same team. Jackson, along with Sam Cassell, was traded to the Nets for Shawn Bradley and Ed O’Bannon. Needless to say, the Mavs received the short end of that deal and would go on to have five consecutive losing seasons.

Which brings us back to Rubio. By drafting a player who, by all indications, doesn’t want to play in Minnesota, Kahn has all but guaranteed that his team will suffer, even if Rubio eventually ends up donning the green and blue. Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy or a final destination, but Minnesota’s fate was decided the moment David Stern announced the fifth pick in the 2009 Draft. Need more proof? How about those same lovable Clippers finally convincing their 1988 top pick, Danny Manning, to sign his contract, only to watch him blow out his knee 26 games into his rookie season and never live up to expectations?

Then again, it might be fun reading Kevin Love’s angry Twitter updates about the floppy-haired Spanish kid macking on his girlfriend…

(Yi Jianlian is suiting up for practice early Tuesday morning when he is approached by a reporter)

Wong: Mr. Jianlian. Wing Wang Wong, Hong Kong Gazette. I’d like to ask you a few questions.

Yi: I must practice.

Wong: Just a second, Yi. Is it true you may not actually be 21 years old? That you may in fact be older, perhaps 24?

Yi: (adjusting his dentures) That is incorrect.

Wong: Is it true you lied about your age in order to play on the Chinese national team at an earlier age?

Yi: (chugs Metamucil) You are wrongful and misguided.

Wong: Mr. Jianlian, I have elementary school records here proving otherwise..

Yi: (turning up his hearing aid) Your research has proven infactual.

Wong: Mr. Jianlian, if you could just give me a straight answer..

(Yi Jianlian stands up with the aid of his walker and immediately falls to the ground, frantically pressing his LifeAlert bracelet)

Yi: Help! I have become prone…and I cannot, of my own accord, become vertical again!