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Now that Candace Parker is out with a uterus, the WNBA is in serious trouble. After struggling to gain credibility and national attention, the league finally found its face and hitched its wagon on her shining star (I think I really screwed up those expressions).  Say what you will, but when male fans aren’t ashamed to wear WNBA jerseys, when ESPN features a WNBA player in a SportsCenter commercial, and when companies such as Adidas and Gatorade choose a WNBA player as one their spokespeople, the league has something going for it. Except that you can now scratch that entire last sentence, since it’s back to square one for the upcoming season. Sure, Parker will be back, maybe even as early as July, but will the new fans stick around that long and still care? That is why I’m proposing several ways to help fix the WNBA, without relying on Candace Parker’s popularity or her oversized pregnant rack (you’re welcome).

Marketing: If the WNBA is serious about expanding its product, then its time to step their game up. The commercials shouldn’t ask questions like, “would you ever say the WNBA sucks?” when 90% of the people watching would nod their head in agreement. How about, oh, I don’t know, showing some great basketball plays? Market the game with 30 seconds of great shots, buzzer beaters, blocks, and maybe one Parker dunk for good measure, and viewers might start to take notice.  The thing is, as much as guys insist they won’t watch the WNBA because it’s ‘inferior,’ any basketball fan will stick around for the final seconds of a close game or watch the replay of a great pass or ridiculous shot, whether it’s in the pros or middle school. If you think I’m wrong, then check out this play — you know you can’t resist clicking on the link now.

Oh, and please stop using that annoying Alicia Keys song during every broadcast, and pay John Tesh whatever he wants for the rights to the NBA on NBC theme song.  Anyone who watched basketball in the ’90’s will tune in for that reason alone. (Quick side note:  One of my boys calls his bedroom the NBA, because it’s “where amazing happens.”  That made me laugh.)

Gameplay:  I know what you’re thinking — that’s good and all, but I’m still not watching the games because they’re so boring.  So, here’s what I suggest: first, get rid of zone defense and open up the floor.  And more importanly, lower the rims to 9′ (or 9′5″) feet.  The most embarrassing moment in league history, the impromptu ‘dunk contest’ — and I’m being kind by calling it that — during the 2005 All-Star Game, at least showed that a few players can come close to the rim. It’s time to take the full experience to an arena near you. I mean, look, the WNBA basketball is already smaller and the three-point line is closer because men are generally bigger and stronger. So why not compensate for the shorter height and vertical jump? Two women have dunked a WNBA ball in 13 years, when two men dunk in every quarter of an NBA game — isn’t it time to change that?  It’s not a flawless plan (I’m not sure if or how the college game would be adjusted, for one), but it would be a big step into making the games more entertaining and getting fans into the seats. And hey, if it doesn’t work out, then at least Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry will finally have a chance to slam it down with ease (sigh…it’s just not the same anymore).

I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson. OOOH!

Uniforms:  This idea isn’t very original, but it deserves to be mentioned: making the uniforms more pleasing to the eye…or in other words, show a little skin for the male viewers. No one really cares about professional volleyball, but seeing beautiful women run around in thong bikinis will make a guy pay attention like it’s Game 7 of the World Series. Now, as I’ve said before, WNBA players aren’t models for guys to ogle, but I do think that something needs to be done about the baggy and sloppy-looking shorts. The uniforms should highlight that their femininity and flatter their figures. I’m not saying they should go all Australia on us (though that certainly wouldn’t hurt), but instilling a tighter wardrobe wouldn’t hurt. And if Candace comes back early and still has some of the baby weight…aw, shit.

Advertising: And finally, it’s time to spend more money on prime advertising times. Apparently, the league has ads that run on NBA TV, which half of the country doesn’t get…so that’s helpful. Why not upgrade to a few ads during the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy or the 11 o’clock SportsCenter?  How about making every game and full replays available on webcast for free?  And, please get rid of these terrible slogans like “We Got Next” and “Expect Great” that make English teachers bang their heads against their desks. Just go with something honest for people on the fence, like “Because You’re Not Doing Anything Else Tonight” or “It’s Either Us or Baseball.”  And if all of that fails, there’s always subliminal messages…