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Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.

Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Jesus!

Now I ain’t here to preach to you.

I’m just here for the facts, Jack.

Haley: You rang?

Mason: Get outta here, towel-waver!

Now, I know a lotta you good folks out there believe in our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ of Labor Day Saints. But I’m here to tell you that Y’ALL DON’T KNOW!

Now I’m not sayin’ that Jesus didn’t exist. That’s crazy talk! I’m just sayin’ he might not have been all he’s been cut out to be.

Oh, Joey Gladstone! You hilarious!!

For instance, the whole Mary Magdalene thing. The girl was a hooker! You know he was hittin’ that!

Some scholars say he married Mary and she carried his children. And I believe scholars, ’cause they read books & shit! THAT TAKES COMMITTMENT!

Sorta like the committment between a man and his wife. Like Jesus & Mary. Or me and my wife, Barbara.

Dat’s one fine soul groove! Love ya, Babs!

The Church suppressed this information of a Christ bloodline, ’cause it would’ve torn their livelihoods to shreds! They make a lot of money with all that Church stuff. What a racket! You see all the cash in that donation basket every Sunday? They bilkin’ more dopes than Keith Van Horn & Todd MacCulloch combined!

The Christ bloodline was the Church’s deepest, darkest secret until Dan Brown & Tom Hanks exposed it to the world. Good job, Big!

Speaking of hilarious slobbery police sidekick dogs, there are even scholars who claim Jesus Christ was just a myth created by secret societies in order to unify the Roman Empire under one state religion. Those I-talians! First they invent one-state religions based on mythical man-gods and then Pasta Bread Bowls! What will they think of next?

Mmm, bowls!

In late 2008, I conducted an archaeological dig in the Holy Land in order to further investigate this incredible conspiracy. My men uncovered a small entombed library holding papyri dating back to the year 33 AD. I don’t speak fluent Aramaic, so I’m just gonna assume that the papyri held world-rocking information on the political context of Jesus’ birth, death and the migration of Jesus’ descendants and their impact on the world at large.

Incredible stuff.

Incredible stuff that Y’ALL DON’T KNOW!

Then there’s the concept of Jesus’ miracles. What kinda man can walk on water? No man I know! I tried it once and nearly drowned! CAN’T SWIM!

And as far as turning water into wine, well…I don’t know about all that. Lemme try real quick..

(uncorks bottle of wine)

Nope! Tastes like wine to me!

Our guest tonight is none other than Jesus Christ, Himself!

Mason: Christ, great to have you on the show.

Christ: It is an honor, my son.

Mason: So Jesus, why you such a liar?

Christ: (rises up, unclips microphone, walks off)

Mason: (turns to camera)  We’ll be right back..

~~~

Hello, I’m Milwaukee Buck Joe Alexander..

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Australian Milwaukee Buck & superstar NBA center Andrew Bogut has been preaching to the masses his messages of hope for years. And now you too can share in his awesome magnificence.

On prayer in schools:

Bogut: Bogut!

On gay marriage:

Bogut: Bogut? Bogut!

On the separation of Church & State:

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So come on down to the First Church of Holy Bogut today. We’ll cure what ails ya!

Heh… Pope Alexander!

~~~

Well there you have it. Another conspiracy in the books. Jesus Christ wasn’t killed on a big ‘ol cross after all. In fact, he’s still around today and he wears Cosby sweaters!

I hope you all learned valuable lessons today about Jesus & wine & stuff. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my AA meeting at the First Church of the Holy Bogut. OFF THE WAGON!

Join us next time as we delve into more mysteries that…

Audience: Y’all! Don’t! Know!